Is it too late?

[Birdistheword]

Hi, am not exactly a regular, but not a troll either just need to get my thoughts out really, am very confused and wondering if any of you could give me thoughts/advice. Thanks.

-Me and DP have been together for 5 years and have a 2yo DD.

-Last year me and DP nearly split up after i told him i was leaving (i had threatened it many times but had never meant it IYSWIM)He had been extremely emotionally abusive for a while, a couple of examples- He said our DD was the best thing to ever happen to him but he wished her mum was someone else, he called me fat, would say awful things to me and then ask why i was sulking, i would say i was upset at what he had said to me and he would say 'why do you always bring up the past' etc etc etc.

-When i said i was leaving he was very upset, apologised constantly for weeks. I said he had a month to prove he meant it, that was nearly a year ago.

-Since then he has not said one bad thing, still says he is very sorry for how he treated me, feels very ashamed of himself.

I believe that he is sorry, i don't doubt that, but i think it might be too late. I feel like i have lost all respect for him, what kind of person could speak to their girlfriend like that,even when she is crying and begging him to please stop.I wish i had ended it back then but i felt like i needed to try my hardest to make it work for DD's sake.

I ask him why he did it and he doesn't have an answer for me.

Our sex life in non-existant, i don't desire him like i think i should.

How can i tell him i think i want to go when he has tried so hard to change, and succeeded?

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

You both have behaved badly and I think it would be an idea to have a trial separation.

[Lulumaam]

see, there are just some things that you can't take back/apologise for

asking for a DNA test is foul , as the implication clearly is he thinks you are unfaithful and not trustworthy

i would be struggling to move on with someone who said such despicable things

[Birdistheword]

You are right of course, that comment broke my heart.

He also asked me for a DNA test in the middle of one argument, he had no reason at all to think i had been sleeping with someone else, he just said it because he knew it would hurt me (he admitted as much) that hurt me so much.

[NicknameTaken]

It's good that the negative stuff has gone, but you need more than that - you need positive stuff too. It's a bit American, but it might be worth reading Harville Hendrix "Getting the Love You Want" together and seeing if your H would be willing to work through the exercises, which are all about making your relationship a loving and positive thing to experience.

I also agree with mimi - you're not obliged to stay just because he's making an effort. It can be exhausting to be continually on the lookout to make sure he doesn't slip back.

[Lulumaam]

as has been said, you are not obliged to stay.

he has said some nasty things

you have also wanted to leave many times which would indicate you are not happy

you coiuld try couples counselling/relate,. but if the deisre is gone and you don't seem to want to be with him, it seems a bit pointless

the key thing is you need to make a firm decision and stick to it.. you can't leave, come back, leave come back, threaten to levae, then leave, then come back ad infinitum

your words and ultimatum will be worthless

what do YOU want ?

long and short term?

emotional abuse is a good reason not to stay, i would find it very hard to get past what he said about wishing DD had a different mother

[Birdistheword]

bump

[Birdistheword]

Many times he has said 'i'm trying' and i have screamed said 'but shouldn't have to try to be nice to me!'

[minibmw2010]

The thing is, I think, that he had to try hard to change your perception of him and this is where he's failed ?? Just because he's made "an effort" doesn't mean you are tied into him forever if that's not what you want.

You could tell him you appreciate his trying but that you are sorry, its not enough and you need him to go.