Feel like I'm reaching breaking point with my family

[LollipopViolet]

And it's all over completely stupid stuff.

Background, I came on here a couple of years back after some advice re: my family, found it a nice place to be and stuck around. No kids yet, still live at home.

Although this situation will be changing ASAP after university.

I am fed up of being treated like a child. I get moaned at about my room, my weight, my social activities. Prime example of this, I went to a couple of bingo sessions on Thursday. Thursday is free bingo at Gala clubs, so I'm no losing anything. My mum has this HUGE issue with me going, even though I've been to all of 2 sessions.

Anyway, we're in Tesco today getting some stuff, and I need to draw some cash out to pay back my uncle (he lives with me, my mum and her parents) because I went out last night and hadn't been near a cashpoint.

I ended up paying for my night mostly on my card (had forgotten they accepted cards) so still had £30 of the £40 I was loaned. Well, when she found out I'd paid on MY OWN DEBIT CARD for something, she flipped out!

"Don't EVER do something like that again."
"Erm, mum, I'm 20 years old"
"I DON'T CARE, YOU DON'T DO THAT!"
"Why's it such an issue?"
"Because first you go gambling, going off to this bingo business, then you're using your card all over the place, and it's not even all your money!"

This is true, she did put about £700 into my bank when we opened the account when I was 16. She said she'd always intended for that money to go me. She also put in another £100 or so when she came into some money (I asked for NONE of it!). The rest, I've earned, EMA, jobs, DLA etc etc. So what business of hers is it if I use my card?

Anyway, she's told me if I'm planning to go out but don't have cash, I'm not to go out. Like that's going to stop me. She also said if I kept paying for things on card she'd take my card off me. Pathetic to be honest.

This is all before we get my granddad involved. His main concern is also my money, but he doesn't know how much I've got (a few thousand), and keeps moaning "Get a job, get a job, stop going out, you've got no money."
I've TRIED to get a summer job, there's no temporary work in the area, Alton Towers have turned me down, after working for them for the past 2 summers, and I can't get a permanent job because my uni course (film production) means my schedule changes a lot and I can be called onto people's shoots last minute.

So I'm trying to save money, and get as much work experience as I can. He's just generally controlling and also treats me like a kid.

Oh, I also have to be home by 11 because my mum wakes up if she hears a key in the door. This seriously affects my uni life, I feel I have no real friends on the course because they all bond on big nights out.

I am MISERABLE. I can't move out, because I can't earn money, so I'm trapped til next July at the earliest. Then it's off to Manchester I go and they can try and stop me if they want but I'll just go anyway.

Sometimes they can be great but then things like the Tesco incident make me remember how awful they can be.

Sorry, just needed to vent Feel really stupid posting on here

[MortaIWombat]

I do think your mum has your best interests at heart.

"Anyway, she's told me if I'm planning to go out but don't have cash, I'm not to go out. Like that's going to stop me. She also said if I kept paying for things on card she'd take my card off me. "

I think she wants to avoid you becoming the kind of person who gets everything on the never never, and ends up being chased by bailiffs and with a terrible credit rating.

However, you are 20, so if you want to, why not sit down and explain to your mum that you don't feel she's treating you like an adult, and that you'd like to continue living in her house until you've saved enough to move out (giving her an estimated year would be kind), and that until then, you'll spend your money as you see fit, and you promise you won't come crying to her (or your uncle) if you end up in debt.

Personally, I'd just suck it up and be grateful I was allowed to live at home when I was of an age to look after myself, but your mileage may vary...

[ZZZenAgain]

lol belle

it's true, my mother never went to sleep until we were all home. Used to get on my nerves, now I understand it. I'm sure I won't fall asleep until I know my dc are back either.

sigh more sleepless nights ahead then!

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I stayed at my mum's last week so that she could look after DD (2.8) while I went to an evening function in London for work. I got home at 00:30. My mum was waiting up for me. I'll be 45 in September. It never really ends thank heavens

[shelscrape]

Lollipop - I've been there in your exact situation. Some 20 years ago now I must admit. I used to get this from my mum all the time, I lived a home for a few months after I left uni. It used to really get to me, the comments about money, "what time do you call this" when I'd been out for friends, etc. etc. It was very claustrophobic. It will pass, you will get a job and you will move out. Ignore it .... or as I did just smile sweetly say "yes mother" and go on and do your own sweet thing anyway. Yes, I felt shite too, but remember it's not for ever. I think some mum's find it hard to see us as anything other than a 10 year old .... my mum still has that problem.

[NewbieT]

Don't feel silly for posting on here, I really feel for you, sounds like a really tough situation. I think some of the comments are a bit harsh, if you haven't much money a couple of sessions at the free bingo nights sounds like a laugh to me, pretty harmless fun. Maybe your mum needs reassurance that you're not going to turn into some gambling addict! I'd suggest offering to bring her along to demystify it a bit, but you probably need to have that space.

Your living situation does sound claustrophobic, and a bit unusual having all the extended family living together - maybe it's not surprising the boundaries have become blurred about what is acceptable interference. Because your mum and your grandad sound like they're going way over that line.

I know it's no fun racking up debt as a student but it's a special time in your life when you should be young and carefree and getting used to being independent, would it be worth getting a student loan and finding a cheap flat share? Sorry if this isn't financially possible. Just sounds like you relly need to move out!

I know your family no doubt loves you loads and wants the best for you but no wonder you're at breaking point.

Best of luck in your studies.

T

[BigBadMummy]

This may sound very simplistic.

But ignore her.

Repeat "mother I am 20. I have earned this money, I will spend it how and when I see fit".

And repeat whenever she brings it up.

Do not get into an argument with her. In fact, dont engage.

She is being irrational.

Do not let her make you miserable.

[ZZZenAgain]

couldn't really follow the money set-up so they don't want you going out at night so long as you don't have a job and some money coming in?

Well if you cannot pay for it, I suppose they are right you can't go anywhere that costs money. I don't know why you have to be back at 11 though if you are 20.

If they're moaning about your room, I take it you don't keep it tidy or aret hey just very picky? I don't know why they're moaning about your weight either. If you are desperately thin and not eating healthily tbh I would understand them bringing it up, otherwise not really appropriate with a 20 year old

[LollipopViolet]

Thanks guys, I am actually looking for paid work, but unfortunately with media jobs it's all freelance and you have to do expenses only jobs for a while before the pay comes in. My goal is to work in some form or another, but whether it's freelance media stuff, a paid job or voluntary work is the unknown factor.

I know they're looking out for me, just needed to vent, think the heat got to both me and my mum today

To be fair, I usually use my card in cash machines and the odd shop, so I can kinda see why she'd be a bit funny about me doing it, maybe she'll think it's gonna lead to insane spending, which I doubt it will.

We were being friendly within minutes so it wasn't too bad. I'll probably move out and miss her loads!

[issysmilkbottle]

I really feel for you, they sound like they think you are still 13! It will all change when you go to manchester but I see that its quite a way away!

Does your mum know the difference between a debit and a credit card? Sounds like she's worried its a credit card and your racking up debt....

Would you be at all able to move out, a room in a shared house perhaps? A student loan might help or your college/uni's hardship fund?

Any paid work related to your course? Anything you could do with skills at home in your own time such as typing etc?

Good luck

[MakemineaGandT]

hmmmmm. You are living at home so have to put up with a certain amount of interference. Your mum and other family members might be a bit controlling, but I bet they have your best interests at heart. If you don't agree (and feel strongly about it) just make your point calmly, keep a good sense of humour and keep it all in perspective. You won't be living at home forever - and there are lots of things about it you are bound to miss.

As for the job thing - I can't believe there is nothing you can do. And if you don't work, just what are you going to do? A summer mooching about and going to the odd bingo night sounds like a waste of being 20 to me.......