No libido whatsoever - am a freak or unique?

[seriouslylackinglibido]

Laydeez,
Following today's thread on sex after children, I am wondering if I can have some view points.

Have been with my husband for 6 years, married for two, have no DC's yet (meant to be 'working on it') and I have no libido whatsoever. None! I realise that passion does or can fade after a while and it's important to take time out sometimes etc etc but I, frankly, can't be arsed with any of it.

I do fancy my DH, our relationship is good, we have no major worries etc, I am just not interested. If I never had to have sex again I'd be fine with that.

Is this normal or is there something wrong with me to the extent that I ought to see if there is something amiss (physically more than mentally, pretty sure I am fine mentally.)

This is starting to wind DH up a bit, I think, as he has mentioned that I never want to do it any more quite a few times recently.

Oh yes, and I am 35.

Views welcome (I think!)

[BertieBotts]

It might help to look up some stuff about asexuality. There is a fantastic forum called Aven (though I got flamed a bit when I posted because I don't think I am actually 100% asexual ) - fascinating to read through though, if you have a very low/non existant sex drive, because a lot of the feelings are very similar. (And also, they refer to themselves as "ace" and eat a lot of cake )

Being asexual doesn't mean that you can't love someone romantically - it just means that you have no desire for sex. Some asexual people like masturbating and prefer to "deal with things" themselves, and some asexual people just don't like sex at all in any form. I have pondered a few times now whether I am asexual, but I don't think that I am, because when I am in a new relationship I am up for it, quite a lot! But I have never really had that feeling of "I NEEEED SEX NOW" and my state of arousal is often quite delicate - the slightest thing can turn me off and then I can't get back into the mood at all. I have never seen the appeal of casual sex and have to be really into someone before I can find them sexually attractive.

This has caused problems for me in relationships in the past, but TBH, looking back, my desire for that person sexually has just gone way down when there have been things that weren't right elsewhere in the relationship. I am not saying this is what is happening for you, but it has happened to me in the past.

[justgaveup]

ooo thanks for that, i'm definately going to check that site out. I am interested to know how the partners of the asexual people cope.

A question for those of you with no sex drive: do you think it is fair to expect your partner not to have a fulfilling sex life because you don't want one? (ie: basically remain celibate)

(not flaming or accusing at all, just really trying to understand the other side of the coin)

[WorzselMummage]

I had a friend who would get really stressed if she hadn't had sex recently.

Used to baffle me completly!

[2old4thislark]

Not bothered either. Used to be but we've been together so long that it's all become a bit routine. My Dh is rather lazy too - think he'd rather sort himself out .

When we do bother it's still good which makes me wonder why I can't be arsed - though we do make up for it on holiday.

[desperatelylackinglibido]

Am going to book up the Aven site too and see what the score is.

I guess that no, it's not fair to expect your partner to have a non-existent sex life just because their DW isn't bothered but I am not sure how I'd cope if DH had an affair. Sometimes I feel as if I might be even a bit relieved but that is probably wishful thinking and the reality would be totally different. Although, strangely, I find the idea of him shagging someone else vaguely arousing (although not arousing enough unfortunately.)

You would not believe how glad I am that I am not the only one! Thank you!

[OrmRenewed]

Same here.

We compromise. Once or twice a week usually. I know it's good for our relationship so I tend to regard it as marriage maintenance. Romantic eh?

But I am what I am. I can't change that.

[RunningOutOfNames]

Bloody hell, Orm, that's impressively high! Don't think we've done it that often since before DDs came along.

[OrmRenewed]

Well I think so too. Dh thinks it's OK ..... would prefer more. But there we go.

[wubblybubbly]

My libido has disappeared completely in the last year.

I always wanted sex more than DH before DS was born, then it all changed and hasn't really ever come back for me. It was a lot better when DS was a baby, but he's 3 now and a couple of times a month really is as good as it gets really.

The other weird thing is, although I do orgasm, it's not anywhere near as powerful as before. Not sure if that's a mental issue or something to do with a CS? I thought orgasms were supposed to get stronger after childbirth?

Anyway, just had a mastectomy now so feeling about as sexy as a broken brick. We haven't had any sexy business this year

[OptimistS]

Bertie Botts has described me dead on. When I want sex, I enjoy it very much, but I just don't seem to want it that much. Haven't had any for 3 years now and can't say that's a problem. Sometimes I think it would be nice, and then I think of all the steps I'd have to take to get there (choosing someone, organising babysitters etc) and just can't be bothered. It's a night in with a glass and wine and CSI or a good book instead.

I'd like to say that I think the whole idea that we must all be at it like rabbits is a complete and utter con, perpetuated by celebrity obsessed, male-dominated media who are well aware sex sells, or at least the idea of it does (and that's an important distinction). I think it gives us this idea that sex makes the world go round, and for most people it's just not true (though I accept that the fact that as the human race continues some people must be having sex).

If you're single, it's irrelevant. If you want it you can get it, if you don't it doesn't matter. If you're in a relationship I think most people just muddle along with some sort of compromise. From male friends I have talked to, I suspect that a lot of people who frequently say they want more sex say so because they actually want more intimacy and excitement in their relationship and a combination of media expectations and social banter have led them to believe that this is the only way they can express it.

[WatchingWaiting]

I feel the exact same about my DP.

We're both still quite young, (24) and have been together for 2years (no DC, we're thinking about starting TTC). In the beginning, we did nothing but have sex. Many times a day, and it was frequently initiated by me. We've been living together for a year now, and our sex life has changed so dramatically. I still fancy him... I can see what a good looking man he is, he's utterly gorgeous, he's funny, he's smart, and we get on amazingly. But I just have no libido. We have sex, maybe once a week, but thats only because I feel so guilty about the lack of it. If it was left up to me, I could go forever without it. I enjoy sex whilst we're doing it, and I do orgasm, but I just never get that initial urge to do it. Its more a case of thinking "gosh its been a while, i can see how hurt he is, i should grin and bear it" and then when we're doing it, im glad we did, but I just have no libido at all.

Its really sad TBH... I can see how hurt he gets, he honestly thinks I dont fancy him, and he cant understand how I used to love it so much and I dont know. and i cant explain it.

I know its 'easier said than done' to just fake it and do it, but I think thats what you just need to do? There are a lot of jobs no-one likes doing, but you understand you have to do them! As horrible as it sounds, I think you just need to start thinking of it as a 'job' that has to be done around the house, much like ironing and dusting etc! Surely you love you DH, and would do anything to make him happy, so even if you have no libido, I guess I see sex as a 'duty' to them to continue making them happy?

I sound terrible, I know, but I havent found a way to resolve my situation, and I desparately want to keep DP happy, and its the only way that seems to work for us. I wish you all the best in everything.x

[Malificence]

Would it help all you ladies who don't feel the "urge" to have sex, (but enjoy it when it does happen), to understand that recent research has shown that , for a lot of people ( mainly women) desire follows arousal, so to be in the mood, you have to be physically aroused before you can feel the urges?

It makes perfect sense when you think about it.

There can't be very many people who don't enjoy sex at all.

[2010Dad]

There was a couple on Embarrassing Bodies recently who had no libido whatsoever. They were prescribed testosterone supplements (I think they come as patches that release it into the skin as well as tablet form).

Most people think testosterone is only important for men, but it's crucial for women too and if you're lacking in it, you completely lose your sex drive.

Anyway, this couple ended up having more sex at 50-60 years old than they had ever had in their life. They were literally at each other every day as if they'd just met and it completely transformed their lives for the better.

I'm not suggesting this is the answer for everyone but thought it might be worth mentioning in case anyone wanted to do some research on the net.

[2010Dad]

Just googled, it's a skin patch for women called 'Intrinsa' and releases low levels of testosterone.

I believe it's only available on the NHS for ladies who have had an early menopause because of surgery, but it's available on private prescription.

[cantstopthinkingaboutsex]

Does the testosterone work for men too? My OH has no interest in sex whatsoever and we haven't had sex for years

I don't think I have a really high sex drive but it's got to the stage where I can't stop thinking about sex, get crushes on the most unlikely men and have to erm sort myself out whenever I get the urge/opportunity.

Reading all the previous comments I wonder whether he might be asexual. Trouble is I'm not and at 40 I'm not sure I'm happy for this to be my lot for life but he just doesn't seem bothered.

[2010Dad]

Yep, the testosterone thing works for men too. I'd definitely look into it.

[wubblybubbly]

ouch Riven, that sounds awful! Is there anything they can do, or do you just have to live with it?

[wheresmypaddle]

Do you think there could be any unwanted side affects from testosterone patches for a woman?

DP would love me to be more 'up for it' but this would be a big price to pay for my voice breaking or my already small boobs shrinking further??!!

[2010Dad]

wheresmypaddle - I believe it's a very small dose that goes into your system (the normal amount a woman should have - if you're lacking it), not enough for those sorts of changes. I really don't know much about it though but it sounds like it could warrant further investigation.

[wubblybubbly]

Riven, is there a particular reason why you're afraid of GA? (love the abbreviation - it's a bugger to spell)

I used to be fine but a recent experience my Mum had worried me massively. When I went for the last one I found myself thinking I might not come around again