No libido whatsoever - am a freak or unique?

[seriouslylackinglibido]

Laydeez,
Following today's thread on sex after children, I am wondering if I can have some view points.

Have been with my husband for 6 years, married for two, have no DC's yet (meant to be 'working on it') and I have no libido whatsoever. None! I realise that passion does or can fade after a while and it's important to take time out sometimes etc etc but I, frankly, can't be arsed with any of it.

I do fancy my DH, our relationship is good, we have no major worries etc, I am just not interested. If I never had to have sex again I'd be fine with that.

Is this normal or is there something wrong with me to the extent that I ought to see if there is something amiss (physically more than mentally, pretty sure I am fine mentally.)

This is starting to wind DH up a bit, I think, as he has mentioned that I never want to do it any more quite a few times recently.

Oh yes, and I am 35.

Views welcome (I think!)

[sparkle10]

I was exactly the same ladies, thought for years I had no libido and was so sad about it because I used to love sex.
I think its a chemical thing to do with raising children etc because since I left my husband mine is back with a vengeance.
It never left me it was just hiding for all those years. I'm with a new man now and can honestly say I think about sex all the time and crave it, I can't get enough, yum yum yum! And I think it's because we are having it for the fun of it not to start a family. If my ex knew how into it I am now he would be so shocked, I'm sure he thought I was frigid!

[TDiddy]

Obviously an important area of partnership/marriage. Two points:
1)Exercise especially if you can manage to do sport, game, walk, jog, tennis, badminton together can really help this area

2)If you can talk about it then you could turn the sexual mismatch into a positive with both parties demonstrating compromise for the other. There are different ways that you could achieve compromise if you think about it.

[jtop]

I am also in a relationship where my libido is lower than my husbands. We are both 47. We both have busy jobs and we have a young child (7) so a lot of the time its just easier not to bother. the other problem is I tend to get tired a lot earlier in the evening (about 11pm) and he can't sleep until later. He says he is lyihng there awake for ages. Then every so often DH gets all het up about the fact that we dont have sex more than about once a fortnight. He is convinced other people are doing it every day ! We do try to have a weekend by ourselves every now and then and usually have good sex then. I think we are fairly normal to be honest but he is not convinced.

[OrmRenewed]

bertie - I can really enjoy sex. I can have the most amazing mind-blowing time. And sometimes I really want it. But not that often. I don't see myself as damaged. It's just me.

[BertieBotts]

I know Orm I had a lot of awful sad thoughts about this when I was a teenager, I have always had a low sex drive. The aven website was great at just helping me realise I was not alone and although I do enjoy sex when I actually want it in the first place, I have still felt abnormal in relationships etc (Though I think that most of my exes are just twats TBH)

[CrystalQueen]

I have the same thing going on. I just can't really be bothered. I remember my mum (who is really old fashioned and doesn't hold with sex before marriage, and just about disowned me for staying overnight with DH before we got married) asking me what was so great about it anyway. "You must be doing it wrong," I thought. Here I am 15 years later and - what's so great about it anyway? Like other posters, I do enjoy it when I can be bothered, but often I'm just lying back and thinking of Scotland. Or the housework.

What makes it worse is that DH has various health issues which affect his 'performance'. So he has finally gone to the doctor who has referred him to the Erectile Dysfunction Unit. So now I feel even more guilty about not wanting to have sex more.

[OrmRenewed]

You see this saddens me a little. All these women who aren't fussed about sex. And the last few posts are about getting them 'fixed' as if asexual humans are somehow broken

[Coldhands]

So grateful for this thread. I have the exact problem too where I am never 'up for it'. I can sort myself out but I just can't be bothered with sex at all. It has been a long time now and I know my DH gets fed up although he has stopped asking and I know he isn't getting it elsewhere as he is either at home or at work.

Sometimes I do wonder if it would be different with someone else even though I don't want to split up with DH at all.

I have been referred for counselling though as I am not sure if I have underlying issues really. I have had a few bad experiences and I was brought up by my nan and step grandad where sex was a totally taboo subject. I don't think this has helped my attitude at all tbh.

[minipie]

desperatelylacking

do you enjoy sex when you have it, once you're into the swing of things (so to speak)? it's just that the initial urge isn't there?

or do you not enjoy it "during" as well?

if the former, then I guess I'd advise you to try making yourself give it a go even if not in the mood, in the knowledge that you'll enjoy it once started.

if the latter, maybe a little lot of self-exploration to find out what works... possibly a visit to the doc?

whilst I do think it's possible to have a happy sex free marriage, it's going to be difficult if your DH doesn't agree.

[Miggsie]

I'd quite like to get my libido back, but I also feel "middle aged" and wear long skirts or leggings.
I used to wear really short skirts and whacky tights. I still have all the tights but even when I wore a pair recently I wore a long skirt and boots so you couldn't see them!

I keep expecting my menopause followed by the urge to get a blue rinse and wear knickers down to my knees.

[wubblybubbly]

Riven, is there a particular reason why you're afraid of GA? (love the abbreviation - it's a bugger to spell)

I used to be fine but a recent experience my Mum had worried me massively. When I went for the last one I found myself thinking I might not come around again

[2010Dad]

wheresmypaddle - I believe it's a very small dose that goes into your system (the normal amount a woman should have - if you're lacking it), not enough for those sorts of changes. I really don't know much about it though but it sounds like it could warrant further investigation.

[wheresmypaddle]

Do you think there could be any unwanted side affects from testosterone patches for a woman?

DP would love me to be more 'up for it' but this would be a big price to pay for my voice breaking or my already small boobs shrinking further??!!

[wubblybubbly]

ouch Riven, that sounds awful! Is there anything they can do, or do you just have to live with it?

[2010Dad]

Yep, the testosterone thing works for men too. I'd definitely look into it.

[cantstopthinkingaboutsex]

Does the testosterone work for men too? My OH has no interest in sex whatsoever and we haven't had sex for years

I don't think I have a really high sex drive but it's got to the stage where I can't stop thinking about sex, get crushes on the most unlikely men and have to erm sort myself out whenever I get the urge/opportunity.

Reading all the previous comments I wonder whether he might be asexual. Trouble is I'm not and at 40 I'm not sure I'm happy for this to be my lot for life but he just doesn't seem bothered.

[2010Dad]

Just googled, it's a skin patch for women called 'Intrinsa' and releases low levels of testosterone.

I believe it's only available on the NHS for ladies who have had an early menopause because of surgery, but it's available on private prescription.