Another MIL question... WWYD?

[Lamazed]

My son has had constipation issues for some time. My helpful MIL has always maintained that this is my fault for starting him on solids too early (5 months) and for giving him too much food!!?!! The GP and paediatrician maintain that this is not the case and that many children have issues with constipation. Both the GP and paediatrician have also suggested that sometimes, this can be a hereditary issue.

On an aside FIL is always eating prunes and swigging sirup of figs... coincidence?

Anyway, this morning, PIL on skype, DH mentions that DD (6 months and just starting solids) may be constipated, cue MIL making usual comments. I left the room but listened in and overheard MIL telling DH that he should tell me to take her off the food before I do the same to 2nd DC.

DH, as per usual, said nothing.

WWYD?

I went bonkers and have been rowing with DH for most of the day. Not sure this was the right approach!

[countingto10]

If you can you should rise above it, it's just not worth it. If my MIL steps way out of line my DH will say something, likewise when my mum steps out of line I do the same. I've had some choice things from my MIL "Your breastmilk's too rich " (WTF), "Oh but you had such lovely colour hair" (after spending a fortune on lowlights) and asking what type of cake DS2 wanted for his birthday (actually I'm making one myself). Best just to let it all go.

BTW DS4 has constipation problems, been on disimpaction regime and now on Movicol long term. Nothing to do with weaning IMHO (well at least our peadiatrician didn't mention it ). Apparently very common .....

[wahwah]

It may not be possible, but can you talk to your MIL and explain how hard it is to hear what she has to say over and over again and that you find it very difficult. Can you explain it's even harder as she appears to be saying that it is your fault and the medical opinion is that this is not the case, so it's hard for you to understand why she persists in this view, but as it is so upsetting, ask her to keep it to herself from now on.

Obviously, you need to speak with your dh, but the two of you shouldn't be rowing about this- the source of the conflct needs ti be addressed IMO, but you'll have to decide if doing something will make the situation worse.

[Lamazed]

Oh crap. I have wasted spent the whole day arguing about this. Took the kids to my mums so that they wouldn't be subjected to it and actually none of it matters really in the scheme of things.

My MIL is an ill-educated, opinionated, silly moo who clearly finds social etiquette difficult and I am an over-sensitive, paranoid, silly moo who is off to make up with DH and spend the evening on the couch watching crap on the TV and drinking wine.

Sorry folks, as you were.

[mumblechum]

If it's any consolation, my dh wouldn't bother saying anything to his mum, either, he just nods and waves and ignores everything she says rather than waste energy on arguing.

[Lamazed]

Thanks for the advice thumbchick, TBH we've done the lot, dietary changes, lactulose, now movicol, he's 2.5 now and we're trying unsuccessfully to wean him back off the movicol, we read 'Mr poo goes to pooland' alot on this house.

And usually, this is fine and I am cool about the whole thing and am a rational, intelligent person with a sense of perspective, just today, I saw red and probably because I'm worried that DD is heading in the same direction and I'm being over sensitive and I expected DH to support me rather than the usual head in sand routine.

[thumbchick]

poor little soul, that's a bugger to deal with.
I would still give the dietary changes a go to see if they help, if you haven't done them before - because they will only make the stools softer and therefore easier to pass.

[Lamazed]

He's had blood tests for food allergies and to check that the thyroid was normal - all came back fine. He's on Movicol. There isn't a 'medical' reason. My son witholds. The explanation being that at some point when he was a baby he found it uncomfortable to go so he tries not to, therfore creating a cycle where he witholds and therefore makes it more uncomfortable to go when he can no longer hold it in etc.

[thumbchick]

TBH, if she does it to your face again, never mind that "DH should do it", he's obviously not going to, so you just tell her that the docs have said it's nothing to do with that.

With a bit of luck she'll be one of those who thinks docs' words are Law and she'll shut up.

Lots of men won't stand up to their mothers because they can't, or because they don't want the aggro when it doesn't directly affect them - it's not an excuse, it's pretty pathetic, but your DH is not alone in his patheticness.

Rather than row at him, give him the ultimatum - either he says something the next time she starts on about it, or you will.

Good luck with it and hope something works out for your DS (I'm sure you've tried lots of things already but if you haven't done this already, you could always try cutting wheat out for a couple of weeks and see if it helps) Feed him on oats, rice, Genius bread from Tesco, corn pasta instead. And see if he'll eat stewed apple. Plus lots of fluids (which I'm sure you already do)

[mumblechum]

Is your paediatrician suggesting any investigative tests, eg food allergies?

[jafina]

You are not pathetic, your MIL is being totally unsupportive and you are reacting to it. Remember that your DH is her DS, if that makes sense, and he can only say so much to his own mother. It is very hard but ignore her, and don't let her hurt your r'ship with DH.

As an aside, has your GP put your DS on lactulose? My DS had bad constipation around the age of 2.5 and this was the only thing that helped.

[Lamazed]

You're probably right. I know it's crap, I know she is full of it and should be ignored. It's just that I have watched DS suffer for almost 2 years, and he's still suffering a opinind it breaks my heart and I know that this isn't because of anything that I have done, but sometimes I feel so guilty that he is suffering like this and this bloody woman keeps telling me that it's my fault.

I think I just want DH to back me up rather than let her keep having a go at me.

Im being a bit pathetic really.

[thumbchick]

You appear to have some confidence issues, whereas your MIL has no such problems - that does NOT mean she knows any better than you do.

Lots of children have constipation for various reasons - my DS has it sometimes but mostly when he doesn't drink enough fluids. I had a terrible time with my guts throughout my childhood and adulthood until I was about 33, when I stopped eating wheat and life became a whole lot pleasanter. Consequently I keep DS off wheat as well, in case he has similar probs to me - and he still manages to get constipation sometimes.

Your MIL is talking rubbish - you know she is, your doc has given you better advice - just ignore it and let your DH ignore it as well. There is no point having a fight over it.

[mumblechum]

I agree with Fab.

[FabIsGettingThere]

WHy do you feel she needs putting in her place? She has an opinion, she has offered it, you don't have to act on it.

[thumbchick]

bloody hell, if even you are thinking she might have a point, don't beat up your DH for possibly thinking the same, especially if he hasn't even said he does!!

It doesn't matter how many times the mad old bat says it, IGNORE HER!

[Lamazed]

Sorry - I failed to add that this is about the 27th time she has offered this advice, and the first time I have heard her saying anything when I'm not there - usually she says it to me, and I don't really respond, because it's not my place to put her in her place, I think DH should do it.

Instead, I go away feeling awful, questioning whether or not she is right and generally beating myself up over the fact that she thinks that I am responsible for the discomfort my DS has suffered forever and questioning whether I actually did do something wrong.

And DH knows how upset I get, and he's never said anything and today I overheard him being given the opportunity to stop this nonsense and he didn't and I feel so let down, to the point that I'm not sure whether he thinks she is right.

[jafina]

IMHO, it doesn't sound like it is worth a row with your DH. He is caught between his wife and mother and that is a difficult place for him to be.

If he agrees with his mother then you need to sort that out with him separately; but if he doesn't agree with her then you should both just ignore her comments and get on with sorting out the actual problem. She is not medically trained and it is really none of her business. Just smile and nod, smile and nod and then IGNORE.

If you think your DD is ready for solid food then give her solid food, but remember the Mumsnet mantra - Food is just for fun until you're one!!

[FabIsGettingThere]

Ignore her and stop rowing with your dh.

[thumbchick]

If your DH didn't try to palm his ma's weirdo advice off onto you, I can't see why you would be rowing with him, tbh.

If he got off skype and immediately told you that his ma said you had to do X, then the row becomes obvious.

Your DH does not have to have a row with his ma if he has no intention of passing on her crap words of advice, especially if you weren't even in the room.