Is separation from DP the only answer?

[TeddyRuckspin]

I wasn't sure whether I should ask this in aibu, dadsnet, here or if at all...but I chose here because I think its a more complicated relationship issue overall and would hope to get a lot more responses here...

I'm trying to gage opinions and advice really. I've had a little trawl through some threads but have not come across any situations similar to mine where the man feels victimised..

a bit of background, been with DP for nearly 5 yrs, we have 11month old beautiful twins who I adore and we've been living together for about a year and a half. As usual in the beginning things between us were peachy, we spent a lot of time together, laughed and joke all the time, I felt we had a lot of common ground and shared similar interest etc

fast forward about 3 years, cracks started to appear in our relationship. One of the many issues was trust I reckon. I consider myself to be very sociable and have a largish group of close mates, when I met DP she also had a fair amount of friends too and appeared to be quite sociable, but sooner became more recluse and distant with her friends. I always believed this was potentially going to be a problem, but at the time she seemed to be comfortable with her choice and as such viewed me as her best friend, I on the other hand remained in close contact with my friends.

When it came to going out with mates, I noticed DP would become very irritated to the point of getting into a right mood whenever I was making meeting up arrangements, she once said she resented the fact of me going out, but I've never been able to get to the bottom of her resentment other than thinking it was maybe jealousy. Now, I 'd like to point out, I'm not like a lot of men who spend most evenings down the local boozer, or have an active interest in sports e.g football, rugby. I do however workout at the gym, no more than 3x a week mind (not so much in recent times due to baby care). Anyway I would probably meet up with friends roughly twice a month, cut down from maybe once a week, this to me was a big compromise as I missed the regular catch up with friends.

A lot of the issues we had, our way of tackling them was to brush them under the carpet! I know I know not a good way of dealing with things...and we soon realised this, as after a very short break up due to the rising hump in the carpet... we agreed to seek a counsellor.

At this time, DP was heavily pregnant, so a very critical and worrying time to be going through with all this...but if there was any hope in saving our relationship we needed this help quickly.

The sessions brought about some serious concerns, such as lost sex drive (me), general resentment (her) and lack of respect (both) It was very hard coming to terms with the truth. But the good thing about it was that it gave us a chance to air out our differences with one and other without locking horns, as we both have strong opinions, which only lets up with someone giving in...which I believe was usually me...no doubt DP would disagree but ultimately we both wanted to try and save the relationship. Unfortunately the sessions with the counsellor were brought to a premature stop due to DP pregnant condition, so we never really had any real closure, other than to go away with a couple of useful tips.

So four years in to the relationship, the tension is creeping back in, as we're finding it more and more difficult to get along. For the life of me I don't know why things have turned out like this, as sometimes we are fine and then next minute we can't stand the sight of each other. It was just only last month we had a lovely short break to Italy. DP is now off maternity leave and gone back to work and DC go to grandparents in the day. Like I said we have been living together for about 18 months and are renting a smallish one bed flat, before that we were both renting separately. Having DC had uplift the mood greatly but generally I find being a parent of two young babies extremely difficult and sometimes tiring, although now that they're a little older, things have gotten easier. I am not perfect but I like to think I'm doing the best I can as a father in providing for my family and I know I do a damn sight more for my DC than some other dads around I know. I'm working F/T in a pretty secured job that's paying me enough to get by and make contributions to shopping, rent and bills but its not the ideal situation I would like us to be in and would love like anybody else to have more disposable income. I use to squander money but with the help and advice from DP who's more stringent with cash I've since wised up and gotten serious about the future. e.g saving for a mortgage, saving for the childrens well being and general all round happiness such as nice holidays etc

But heres the glumness, I feel me and DP are not on the same page anymore. Not only that but I also find her a tad controlling, likes to order me about and does not give me enough credit and support for the effort I put in. I give her credit as a mother but I don't think we are equal parents when it comes to raising the kids...its normally she's right and I'm wrong, and any input of mine is usually turned down in a very condescending way, so often that it leaves me feeling like this useless person hanging around being ignored. But then if you asked her what she thought of me as a father, she would most likely say I cope very well at being a father, however I think that translates to; I cope very well at taking orders from her and as long as I continue to, we shouldn't encounter any problems!

I'm struggling to live like this and it's really making me feel dejected and unhappy I also don't want to make DP unhappy. It's the DC I'm most concerned about, due to the crap atmosphere I don't want them to feel the negative impact so much so that I often close myself away in opposite rooms away from DP just to prevent us winding each other up over petty things, and remember I said its a very small flat IYSWIM. DP just seems to have a constant chip on her shoulder. I also fear that should we were to part she would be a right b about things, judging from her personality... there is a prominent side to her that comes across as very stern, she most definitely has a sting in her tail! although jokingly she's mentioned before, if we were to split I wouldn't have a problem seeing the kids ...I'm not so sure I believe her. albeit she'd makes things a little difficult (I hope I'm wrong).


But wait there's more!... and here is where it gets even more complex, we've been very silly and irresponsible, as just found out yesterday there is a possible third child on the way! I don't know what to think anymore... but really don't think I/we could cope mentally, financially or physically with another baby right now, especially when the relationship is on the verge of collapse, but DP is indicating otherwise....and of course I understand it's up to her to decide. But just the thought of having had 2 kids with a woman I'm no longer with anymore is very unsettling, let alone three!. Life is like pooey nappies right now!

[probonbon]

Hi Teddy, I know what you mean. I do not flame you.

Trying to think what would have helped with me. I'm thinking: standing back, doing stuff quietly and without expecting praise (sorry!), saying -- "if you need some help I'm here but I don't want to interfere, you are doing so well".

I know, I know, what you are thinking. It just would have helped with me when I was controlling and sensitive.

[FrazzledDad]

Teddy, haven't spotted if you answered the question about whether you spend much time looking after the DCs by yourself?

Whilst I agree in principle with your outlook, life is not always ideal.

My DCs are 3 and 6. It is only now that I am starting to do some exercise again and picking up old friendships after being a bit or a recluse for the past 6 years. I really missed both in that time.

The kids mother really struggled for the first few years. I had to give pretty much all the time I was not at work over to the kids and domesticities which meant I didn't really get 'me time'. I probably met a friend in the pub a couple of times a year and I was careful not to get a hangover as I found these to be incompatible with the early mornings.

I don't know whether you do this already but it may help if you periodically offer to look after the twins by yourself. Similarly with domestic chores - just try doing as much as you can without being prompted. It sounds to me like your DP is struggling and she may be needing to see a level of practical commitment to her and the DCs.

Regarding the counseling, if she wants to go alone rather than with you, you should let her. Don't worry about not being there to 'defend' yourself. Hopefully it will help her address her issues with you/herself/your relationship - which is what you are looking for, is it not?

Hopefully you will start to see some improvement in your situation. Remember though, that she will probably be a bit ratty whilst pregnant and won't be able to help it. Good luck.

[flooziesusie]

Your DP sees the twins as priority and puts them first, and I bet she thinks that you don't. You have the 'time' to think about putting yourself first - she doesn't, because it's not her priority. Really, you should put yourself in her shoes. I bet she does majority of day to day managment of the babies? You don't, you have time to think about other stuff... BIG no no for her.

I think you are doing the damage by being short sighted and a bit selfish. It's not jelousy that causes resentment it's the simple fact that for her - the twins are first. All else second. You should see things the same in her opinion.

Probably not the most sensitive post, but I get a bit frustrated with this sort of attitude. Glad you want to get help with your relationship, but try getting a real idea of what she must be going though eh?