wwyd - tell friend she has hurt you or just let it go...

[luckyblackcat]

Long, I'm afraid.

At NCT met and got on well with other mum, saw each other several times per week, swapping childcare etc.

My DD big, brave and outgoing, her DD tiny and shy - we'll call her A.

Start at nursery same day, my dd holding her dd by the hand and 'looking after her' - which yes I encouraged.

To this end DD ivested much in this friendship (ditto me with mother) but both child and mother A met another mother and child - B. Family A and Family B got on really well, both outgoing DHs, lots of dinners together, eventually holidays too.

By end of Reception child B was manouvering my DD out of the friendship, all other friendship bonds were formed (the nursery feeds the school, so all dc have had 2 yrs together) so dd pretty lonely and sad - also the target of class bully (I did not deal with this well to my eternal shame as had just had Ds who was very seriously unwell for first few years and has N)

This continued up through school, although due to my friendship with mother A DD and A still had some joint birthday parties and lots of playdates. But by yr 3 it was all v bad and I felt mother A was not doing quite enough to stop A being so unkind to DD, she told me she couldn't force her dd to like mine (very true).

Anyway between Yr 3 and 4 Family A moved overseas, I skyped and emailed etc.

Towards end of yr 4, at a large school social event, Mother B said all surprised, "Oh guess who turned up at my house and is babysitting the dc? Mother A and her 2 dc, I didn';t know she was coming she just arrived." (yeah, yeah I came down in the last shower.) "Come over to mine on Mon am and have coffee with her."

Actually it turned out, from another parent that was at 'do' that mother and A were at school pick up the day before and said she wasn't coming to 'do' as would be sitting for mother b.

Anyway, my DS developed hand foot and mouththat weekend, so when mother A called (from mother Bs) house on Monday am to invite me there for coffee I was unable to go, but tiold her that I would happily drive and meet her halfway between her MILs (a few hours drive) in a week or so when he was better.

I didn't hear from her again until I got an email in Sept saying that she had spent 5 week in uk (and still not bothered to meet with me).

I was very upset by this, she had agreed to be DS' godmother and guardian for the Dc should anything happen to us and our will and financial stuff reflects this. We were really close I am not jealous of her friendship with family B - as adults I think you can have many friends.

I am hurt by the fact she was obviously more important to me than I was to her, but mostly by the insult to my intelligence of 'just turned up' lie.

Should I email and tell her how I feel, she must know I'm pissed off as I haven't emailed since Sept.

Or should I just chalk it up to experience?

Sorry that is long, never mind if you've fallen asleep and cannot reply!

[luckyblackcat]

Thanks, yes will get appt with the solicitor asap - and try to stay healthy!

I couldn't let DH's family have my dc, even if they wanted them, The way they parent is too damaging imho.

SIL is so obsessed with being thin/apperances - I think she genuinely has an issue - that she watches like a hawk every mouthful they eat, the are only allowed jam (on toast for brekkie) on Sundays and then they cannot have butter, her DD's have been on skimmed milk since they were 2, the older one (8 nmths older than my dd) will not either go to the dentist or have her eyes tested because wearing glasses or braces would make her ugly - also things like if, when the dd were less than 2-3, they fell and hurt themselves they couldn't have a cuddle until they had stopped crying - his whole family are rather cold and unemotional.

Also she is a super pushy parent who expects greatness - she would be very disappointed with my two, DD has serious dyspraxia and DS may never live independently.

If I die when my DC are young I wanted them to go to someone nurturing with a similar positive parenting approach like me.

But I suppose I have little choice, a good friend - and DD's godmother - who is a city banker (mid 40s) with no dc has told me that if anything happens she would give up her job to care for my dc, but since then her brother has had 2 dc and I'm not so sure she still feels the same way.

Well this has turned into a legal to do list

1. appt guardians 2) change will) 3) appt new trustees on DS' trust fund (we have paid every spare penny into leaving a lump sum for him to be privately cared for all his life)
   
   Thanks to you all, I will sleep on my thoughts re email - I do think I should tell her about DS' injury but maybe just a polite factual job.

[tootiredtothink]

But surely you wouldn't want her to take your children now would you?

Yes, children can be cruel, but it says a lot about the mother when she didn't stop her dd being nasty to yours once a 'better' friend came along. Obviously this friendship being encouraged by meet ups outside of school.

Do you think saying anything will make you feel better? If so then go for it.

If not then I'd wash my hands and forget about your friendship with her.

The fact she didn't come to see your ds who she did have a great bond with also speaks volumes.

Change your will ASAP. And meanwhile maybe put your dh's family down as guardians?

I'm in same position as you with regards to lack of guardians - we're just going to have to stay fit and healthy .

[Mongolia]

10 years away take their toll in friendship, and even if they agreed to be the nominated guardians, their own circumstances may have changed considerably since they accepted your request, and perhaps now that the friendship has cooled down, well... I guess perhaps the most likely thing is that they are not prepared anymore to take other people's children? more so if the friendship has cooled down so much?

DS' godparents are the nominated guardians, they never forget a birthday, they ring regularly to check how are we doing, and we care for each other very much even when we now meet probably every couple of years as they leave abroad since ages ago.

But even with all that communication I know they wouldn't be able to take DS if something happened to both of us. They have now a baby, ailing relatives they have to provide for, plenty of pressure to keep their heads above the water as they both have full time jobs and no family around to support them.

Having said that, I think you should let them know your DS is unwell, I'm sure they would want to know, and would be surprised/confused if you didn't mention anything to them.

[luckyblackcat]

No I realise I cannot just leave it, but do not have volunteers queuing up to take on the DC.

All the arrangements were made long before they went overseas and did need to be changed anyway, as they are probably away for at least 10 yrs and I'm not sure that DS would remeber mother A even now - one of the reasons for chosing them was the especially close relationship my dc had with parents A.

[compo]

so she still lives abroad?

I'd leave itnow tbh

if she ever emails you , you could reply with a 'newsy' email and then tell her about ds but I would try and step away from her in your mind
she has not turned out to be a lifelong friend, just a transient one, that we all have

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

You can't do nothing just because it is hard to find a guardian. What if they refuse?

[luckyblackcat]

Fab you are right, but it is pretty hard to get anyone to agree to take on a child with SN - I have no family and DS' family have very different ideas about parenting to me.

The trouble is I feel the need to tell her that DS fell (at school) and fracured his skull and suffered two bleeds in his brain and has been very poorly (understatement of the year award). I wouldn't want her to discover that from someone else as she and DS were very close - I bumped into friend B today and it is very obvious that DS is not well (although we do expect him to make a full recovery) Even if it is not worth salvaging the friendship I would at least like the moral high ground (as it were) by doing the right thing wrt that.

Thank you all for taking the time to wade through the enormous post and make sense of it - hardly made sense to me and I know what happened!

[NewYearNewKnickers0nMaHead]

Has she emailed you since September?

If not, I think the friendship has run it's course, which is for you.

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

I would be changing the will to nominate new guardians as this doesn't sound like a true friendship that can support the pressures of taking on someone elses child.

[myalias]

I don't know who is worse friend A or friend B. Friend A doesn't just turn up at friend B's house!! this would have all been pre-arranged. If she couldn't be bothered to get in contact in the 5 weeks she was here there is no point in emailing her.

[almostreal]

I'm not sure if you should email her, but I from what you have written it doesn't sound as if this friend values the friendship as much as you do therefore I would cool off the friendship.

[Mongolia]

I think that you should just let go, there were signs the friendship was cooling down since long time ago, so perhaps telling her how hurt you are is a bit unreasonable, she doesn't seem to know or appreciate how important she is to you.

[Snowtiger]

Lucky I've got a toddler screaming upstairs so can't post for long just didn't want you to go unanswered. I think the most important thing for you to think about is whether or not you still want the friendship to continue? Decide that and you'll know what to do. If you don't want to have anything to do with her in future then I'd just chalk it up to experience and cut the ties. If you do, I'd have a gentle word and say you were hurt but don't want it to affect your friendship, and maybe ask why she felt she had to lie so that you can both move on and make the friendship better in future.
HTH.
Got to run, 'mummy I've done a poo' getting louder and louder...