The first moment you became aware of that churning in your stomach that is the result

[Lavenderfleurs]

of being with an abusive man.

Sounds so small but it was when ds was about 8 weeks old. I was getting everything ready for us to go out for the morning, you know how much time that takes? All the while exh was standing there with a face like thunder while I packed Moses Basket, nappies, drink, wipes etc. Didn't lift a finger to help but I was rushing around because I knew he didn't like to be kept waiting. Eventually we got out, loaded the car etc. He was driving in a really tense, angry way. I asked what was wrong and he said really coldly "I am sick of hanging around waiting for you to get sorted, you love making me wait don't you?". He said that loads that I used to make him wait on purpose and loved making a meal out of getting ds ready.

There was loads of other stuff and it got much, much worse but that was how it all started.

[thesunshinesbrightly]

Oh god yes, do they have text books for abusive men, it's strange because they all do the same thing.

i read things on here and it's as if i have wrote it, infact, on here was the first time i realised i was been abused.

[Lavenderfleurs]

The trouble is that it all starts to innocently. Your dh moans about you taking too long to get ready. You don't want to think he is being a complete prick especially when you haven't seen much sign of it before. So you make allowances and you "hurry up" next time but he will still moan, so you hurry up more and more and more. And then other moaning starts about skirting boards not being dusted, or the house never smells of polish then you are being called lazy and dirty and you wonder if you are. You get to a point where you are questioning every single thing you do. You carry on as normal when they are not there but you hear the door open in the evening and your heart lurches and you swiftly look around to make sure there is nothing he could start moaning about.

But there will always be something to moan about because they want to moan, they enjoy it, they want to keep you nervous, they get off on it. It creeps up on you though, you can hardly believe you are this person.

It all starts in the early days and if you don't put a stop to it with an iron resolve then it will get worse and worse, the verbal abuse will escalate (its a learned habit now) and more often than not turn physical.

The only way to prevent it is to be educated enough to recognise the very, very early signs and get out at once or put a stop to it at once. I made the mistake of keeping on trying to please (a perfectly natural reaction) but if you do it you are signing your own warrant.

[Mamazonabroomstick]

and don't be fooled that it only happens to the meak and mild types like Mo slater.

I am a very strong - physically and mentally- and fiercly independant woman. i am very capable and would be the very very last person in the world you would imagine to suffer from domestic abuse.

I was one of those people that said "i'd be gone after the first slap"
but it doesn';t happen like that. they dont go from loving and caring to knocking you around.
its a drip drip effect. so much so you don;t even realise the first act of violance is violant.

The first time he actually laid a finger on me was when we were having a row about something or nothing, he pushed me and i stumbled backwards opver the bed i was stood in front of.
in my mind i rationalised it as just a reflex and i happened to stumble. no big deal.

But he had gotten away with that push. so pushes started to happen more often. would be more aggressive, would be more forcefull.
its a slippery slope.

[Lavenderfleurs]

Realitybites you just, with uncanny accuracy told the story of my marriage to my ex. Everything in it right down to the damp washing in the machine was him.

The only difference is that I know for a fact my ex was unfaithful, he confessed everything, including threesomes etc in order for us to "move forward" .

I am laughing with sheer horror and amazement at the similarities between these men.

[Lavenderfleurs]

Oh but mine never complimented me about anything because "it will make you arrogant".

[thesunshinesbrightly]

Lavenderfleurs, you are spot on, that is exactly how i felt.

[Mamazonabroomstick]

Its frightening huh LF.

I feel silly now for not seeing it.
i can sit and describe the things that happened and it makes me fel sick. i see it in black and white and just get embarrassed for being so stupid. its so obvious. but at the time...you just dont see it.

and even when it got to the stage when i did realise, that i did seethat this was wrong. i still didnt think anyone would believe me. Im not a victim.
and i didnt want to tell anyone. it was humiliating. to tell anyone that yes, this man had managed to isolate me from my entire family, all my friends and anyone that could possibly see, was hitting me.
The father of my child had beaten me so often he had caused 3 miscarriages. that he had replaced my contraceptive pills just so that he could make me pregnant, even though he knew he would only cause me to lose the child anyway.

He has since been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and whilst that does cover much of his behaviour it doesn't excuse it all. he was a sick and evil man and i believe he still is. he is manipulative in a way that only these abusers can be.

they all seem to follow a pattern. i dont know if its sime in built genetic abuser gene or what. but all these stories follow a theme. they differ in the details but they have a core thread running through them all.

Its a very frightening though

[thesunshinesbrightly]

My heart goes out too you

[Mamazonabroomstick]

thank you. but there is no need.
As i say, we left almost 5 years ago now. we are all happy and settled. Its taken a while for Ds's behaviour to re settle but we're getting there now.

feel bad for the poor souls still living with men like this and unable to find the strength to leave

[thesunshinesbrightly]

It is amazing when you leave, how free you feel like a huge weight is lifted, i can buy my kids anything, i can do anything without worrying what reaction he will have, i dont have to walk on egg shells, i can be friends with who i like, i can get a job, my kids no longer live in fear or stay in their bedrooms allday to stay out of his way, i can cook dinner and am not put down told i am shit at everything etc.......

i could carry on all day.

I feel for them too

[mathanxiety]

It's so true about the drip drip effect. It creeps up without you seeing it for what it really is, because it changes you too. It puts blinders on you. I only realised my ex had become a complete stranger to me when he cheated on me and I started finding his porn on the computer. That gave me the 'permission' I needed to give myself to start looking out for myself alone, and making plans for the future that didn't include him.