DH drinking frequently and breaking promises....

[waddlelikeaduck]

Apologies, this may be a little long....

ok, I have an ongoing problem with my DH in that when he is working an early shift that ends at about 3/3:30 or is on a day off he always goes to the pub (on his won) for around 3 or 4 pints and comes home around 7/7:30.

I have told him how this annoys me as it means that he doesn't have 'time' to help around the house and my DS (his DSS - aged 10) doesn't get to see him much... it also means that when he gets back he is hyper sensitive and will either snap, get offended by the slightest comment or go to sleep until around 9/10pm... he also has the habit of not coming to bed until around 2am and when he is working a late shift (2-10pm) he won't get up until about 11/11:30 and moans that he has no time to do anything...then I have to pick him up from work at 10pm (he doesn't drive and the buses would mean not getting back until 11:30ish) and until recently he'd always insist on getting some cans from the off licence etc...

he has been promising for about a year now to come straight home after an early once a week but still hasn't managed to do this... there is always some excuse such as a hard shift, its nme day etc etc....

What has made things worse at the moment is that I am now 36 weeks pregnant and have been asking him to cut back for a while... he promised at the start of the week that as of Thursday he wouldn't go to the pub but would go for a swim to unwind instead which is 5 mins from our house... he worked a late yesterday so not problem re pub but today he's at the pub, even on the way to the pub he spoke to me on the phone and told him he was out of order/crap at keeping his promises etc and he apologised by text etc but two hours later he is still at the pub..

I have told him that if I go intro labour when he is at the pub i will not be calling him and that he needs to sort his act out but all i get is can we start again from next week.... arghhhh

Am I being unreasonable in wanting a mature adult husband instead of a selfish deliquent adolescent??? He is 39 btw....

any advice?

[tinykins]

That's totally unfair. My husband used to do that all the time too, things got really bad, and eventually he stopped, apart from the odd blow out now and again. But it's not on and you need support at the moment not this kind of stress.

[llaregguBOO]

He sounds like he has a problem with alcohol dependency/alcoholism. He is displaying all of the classic signs.

My DH was exactly the same but luckily for us he realised he had a problem and sought help and has been sober for nearly 3 years.

If he doesn't have an alcohol problem then he is just a selfish arse.

[tinykins]

It's really tough to live with. You've got to be hard about it and make it clear you won't accept that behaviour. He has probably gotten away with it for a while maybe and thinks it's ok if he keeps saying sorry...?

[waddlelikeaduck]

I think he has an alcohol problem but because he isn't drinking in the morning or bottles of spirits he doesn't think he has...

he says its normal, he's Irish etc and yet he grew up with an alcoholic father and knows the problems it causes. he is also a selfish arse at times and I am sure wants to live the single life with all the benefits.... he denies this of course...

he blames it all on stress - work, the baby etc and yet is suprisingly chilled out and happy to not do anything around the house and when I mention not spending time with his DSS he goes on about how he doesn't spend time with his DD who is 14 so I have to remind him that that is not my or my DS's fault and that we invite her down often and get her when we can but she often has plans with her mates which is to be expected at her age! she even declined a trip to Devon with us so she could go ice skating with a mate....

I do think at times it would be much easier to do this alone....

[llaregguBOO]

He sounds like he has the normal excuses down to a fine art. It is complete rubbish that all alcoholics need a drink in the morning.

I'd recommend Al-Anon for you. Why doesn't he drive?

[tinykins]

Well I'm Irish as is my husband, and dysfunctional drinking is pretty common in our part of the country but that doesnt make it right or healthy. My husband was exactly the same in his excuses. It wears pretty thin after a while. Look after yourself at the moment, but when the baby is born and you are feeling stronger, get the help you are going to need to deal with this. Al anon is probably a good start. You can get through it and he CAN be made to see that his behavior is wrong on so many levels. You have probably shielded him from the distress he is causing you. I would also advise going out an buying some books on this issue, they can really help to shed some light on this sort of behaviour and how you should deal with it.

[mathanxiety]

He's full of balloon juice. He is an alcoholic. Nothing will improve for you unless he admits this and changes it. There is nothing you can do about his problem. All you can do is make good choices for yourself and your children (that may not necessarily involve continuing to provide meal and laundry services for him in return for nothing, neither physical or emotional involvement in your lives.) I second the Al Anon idea. He needs to feel the concrete consequences of his addiction for him -- telling him what it's doing to you will have no effect. It would probably be much easier for you to do this alone. Right now you have a big overgrown 39 yo child on your hands on top of everything else.

[waddlelikeaduck]

thanks, he doesn't drive because initially he didn't need to for work etc and I guess it would impede on his nights out etc, plus I think his family typically learnt to drive at a later age. Then he had inner ear/balance issues and thought he wouldn't be able to drive. His dad has offered to pay for his lessons etc but he seems to be dragging his feet applying or the license etc... I was seriously considering a c-section so that i couldn't drive him around for 6 weeks - how sad is that!

I do raise the issue with him reguarly and then I get the old 'nagging' accusations etc and made to feel bad for wanting him to be normal etc... but I have now had enough and will not tolerate it anymore. I have made it clear to him that I am happy to do this all alone and he needs to buck his ideas up but of course I get the usual I'm sorry/I'll change/I love you etc and tonight he has said he'd bring home mcdonalds to apologise to which I said no, then it was I'll make eggy bread for you, I said whatever, and yet its half six and he is still not home. I've pointed out again that he is putting beer in front of my feelings to which he replied 'i'm scared to come home' - i.e i'll have a go at him etc so I just said well i'll either be out or ignore you to be honest, and he has the cheek to ask 'why?'.... arghhh

why are men such retards? why do we put up with them?

I think i will look into joining al anon as you are right I do need some support and am fed up being made to feel that there is something wrong with me...

[llaregguBOO]

waddle, I went through exactly the same thing when I was heavily pregnant with my first child. It may be easier on your own but if he is willing to change and give up drinking as my DH did, then you can have a future together. If he won't then better to split.

[SolidGhoulBrass]

THis is rotten for you, but please don't buy the idea that it's 'just how men are'. WOmen can be alcoholic, neglectful parents too. This man is an alcoholic, and unfortunately alcoholics don't address their drinking until the consequences of drinking become unbearable to them. TBH you can give him an ultimatum ie he has to stop drinking or leave, but sadly it's unlikely to work; the least-worst case is that he will start to conceal his drinking, or stop for a while and then moan that life is no fun and start drinking again 'in moderation' etc.
I think you need to give serious thought to ending the relationship rather than continuing to service a selfish, ungrateful alcoholic. At least find out the legal/financial practicalities of getting him out of the house.

[llaregguBOO]

I agree with what SGB said. I've often heard that there is a link between parents who are alcoholics and children who grow up to abuse alcohol. As your husband has an alcoholic father you really need to break the cycle and protect your children.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

waddle

There are three things to remember when it comes to alcoholism:-

You did NOT cause it

You CANNOT cure it

You CANNOT control it. Talking to him will make no difference whatsoever.

Alcoholics can be the most selfish people going and there is no reasoning with such people. Like many alcoholics he is in denial of his problem.

You are NOT, repeat not, responsible for him.

What you can do for yourself is protect your children from his alcoholism because it will affect them markedly. Growing up with an alcoholic parent in their midst will do them no favours at all. Your H grew up with an alcoholic for a father; it is not therefore surprising that he has gone down the same route. He was at a higher risk to do so by seeing such a parent abuse alcohol.

I would also recommend that you talk to Al-anon as they can help family members of problem drinkers.

You cannot save him but you can save your own selves. I do not advocate separation at all lightly but this may be the only way forward for you ultimately.

You need to stop enabling him; no more collecting him at 10pm for instance. He should be getting a taxi home.

[SnowieBear]

Waddle - my DH couldn't drive me to hospital when I went into labour because he was constantly over the limit, so we had to organise an ambulance (we were living in the middle of nowhere... handy!).

He managed to be there for the birth of our DS - him and a bottle of vodka in his backpack. He kept going out of the labour room throughout to "top up". After giving birth and getting settled, it was taxi home for him. I didn't see him until three days later when he came to collect me and DS by taxi. Don't let something like that happen to you, I'd have much rather been on my own or with other loved ones if he was unable to be sober for me and our little boy.

Your DH does have a problem. There isn't much you can do about it, but you can help yourself by attending Al-Anon meetings and making some tough choices in your life. These, in turn, will have an effect on him that may make him realise he is an alcoholic and seek help. Then again, they may not, so don't pin your hopes on that. The important thing is that either way, you'll win. You'll have either the mature adult husband you crave, or you would have got rid of a complete arsehole.

[mrsboogie]

Oh this brings back memories

I had an ex, Irish too, who was the same (well, worse) I am Irish too and yes, it is a prevalent scenario. Basically the pub comes before everything else and they seem to feel that they have to be compensated for having to go to work by spending their free time and money down the pub..

My ex was an alcoholic although he would never have admitted it at the time, and he came to love drink more than anything else including me, his career, his health and his driving license.

Of course he never drank in the morning and could go for periods without drinking but he was clearly an alkie all the same. There was never going to be any acknowledgement of the fact or attempt to solve he problem, becasue of course he was a man and he was entitled to his pint.

You need to find out whether your partner loves you and your kids or the drink more, you need to give him that stark choice and then you need to base your future on the answer. Don't wait around for him to come to his senses - if he hasn't by now, chances are he never will.

[mathanxiety]

It also sounds as if his DD (14) has distanced herself from him and I would bet any money his drinking is the reason. If he's willing to let this huge commitment and relationship fall by the wayside due to drinking, he will do it to you too.