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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pls help can feel myself buckling and can't get through to WA

53 replies

BlipinaBottle · 14/09/2009 09:35

I have been trying to get through to WA for the last hour but their lines are too busy.

I asked my abusive DH to leave the house on Saturday evening which he did - has only been back to pick up his car keys and mobile phone charger. He has not taken any of his belongings so i don't know whether he has officially moved out or not.

Our house is in his name only on the mortgage and i have found out that he didn't pay last month or this month, have spoken to him and he says he doesn't see the point in paying it! I am a SAHM and don't have any money except CB and CTC.

I need someone to tell me that i have done the right thing asking him to leave because after hearing his voice this morning i can feel myself weakening - which is why i wanted to talk to WA.

I know i could consult a solicitor but don't have money for that either. DH has not been contributing to the household bills for months now and everything is getting on top of me. I'm sick of the abuse and the beatings but am terrified of going it alone with the kids. I just feel ill.

Sorry for rambling but it has helped to write this down.

OP posts:

Report

CelticStarlight · 17/09/2009 00:17

Please leave this marriage - just reading what has happened to you is horrifying to me. You are obviously so used to it by now that you cannot see the horror for yourself. Are your children watching you being beaten? If so, you need to get out straight away, you are leaving them open to years of trauma and abusive relationships of their own.

I feel for you, I really do, but you are deluding yourself and your children need you - please put them above any residual feelings you have for this horrible, violent man.

CarGirl · 16/09/2009 17:53

TBH the marriage was over the first time he laid his fists on you.

I think some marriages can have a few rocky moments in the early years and a bit of shoving and pushing happens but things move forward, are sorted out and never again is there agressiveness or abusiveness of ANY nature.

However you have suffered domestic violence why on earth would you want him near you again?

Stay strong get legal advice speak to WA etc etc and plan your way out if this miserable existence you have tolerated for so long.

mathanxiety · 16/09/2009 17:45

Be a bit kinder to yourself. You haven't failed and it's not defeat to save yourself and your DDs. Save the anger for the H.

BlipinaBottle · 15/09/2009 19:38

Now i am getting at myself, when i think back to the woman i was before i met him and the pathetic creature i have now become, i just don't seem to have any va va voom anymore. I need putting in a bag and shaking up (as my Mother used to say)

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SolidGoldBrass · 15/09/2009 19:20

It's not failure to get rid of a violent, untrustworthy parasite.
It would be a bit stupid and a bit weak to give him yet another chance when he has shown himself to be completely untrustworthy and physically dangerous to you.

BlipinaBottle · 15/09/2009 19:15

God my spelling is bad

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BlipinaBottle · 15/09/2009 19:13

colditz thank you for your insight - i never even thought of it in that way, yes he has thrown the towel in, however getting him to admit it would be impossible. He has always been "right" and i have been "wrong" or even worse "stupid". Thing is now i actually feel stupid

I think he's played me like a good un and i've been too blinkered/stubborn to see it.

This is my second marriage (first one ended after 10 yrs) , this one so far has lasted 11.5 yrs. Part of the problem i think is my stubborness to not fail again if that makes any sense? Maybe it's me and not him who needs to see a councillor

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colditz · 15/09/2009 18:42

You didn't throw the towel in on your marriage - he did that years ago.

I am not going to nag you ... but I just want you to realise that you are flogging a dead horse. You'll never, ever trust him again. What life is that to lead? Don't you deserve better than a violent, loveless, trustless partnership with a man who only promised to buck up when he saw he had nowhere else to go where he had it so good?

BlipinaBottle · 15/09/2009 18:37

mathanxiety the car was given to him by a bloke he does a fair bit of work for, he deffo does not do drugs just copious amounts of lager and fags

colditz you are right about a change of house won't change him - i've had the crap kicked out of me at every house we've lived in (4 including this one). I have no delusions regarding a 5th house being any different unless he cuts down on the drink and changes his attitude towards me.

Asking him to leave has really jolted him and for the first time i think he has really started to look at the situation from my point of view. I really don't want to throw the towel in on our marriage I really don't.

I am hoping and praying that this has been the wake-up call and we can be happy. Even as i type this i don't think he will be able to change

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colditz · 15/09/2009 18:18

PS DON'T believe for a second he will never beat you again. he may not intend to, but he will because that is the only way he knows how to behave.

Stay strong and don't let him back in or the next time he hits you, you may not have the courage to make him go again.

Don't work towards the future on the asumption he will change. He won't. If you stay with him it will be the same as it always has been.

colditz · 15/09/2009 18:16

If you liked your life the rats wouldn't seem like such an omen - they'd be a minor annoyance.

no such thing as a fresh start if you are insisting on taking the root of yourproblems with you.

mathanxiety · 15/09/2009 18:09

I am wondering where the car came from. Is he doing drugs? He sounds unbalanced. There's no such thing as a fresh start. There's no such thing as a house that's bad for you. That is magical thinking. RL is not like that. He either faces his problems where he is or he will pack them and take them with him; they will be like metaphorical rats in the attic no matter where he goes. And they will be your 'rats' too if you stay with him. Keep reading the Lundy Bancroft book.

BlipinaBottle · 15/09/2009 17:57

His credit rating is already shot to bits so that part wouldn't actually bother him, he knows he won't ever get another mortgage again. Daft thing is i think he truly believes he can just throw the keys in and walk away without a care. Mortgage company will just auction the house for whatever and chase him for the deficit he still owes surely? He is such a pratt!

I am beginning to think he may have a point about this house being bad for us. Only been in it a couple of years but never really felt happy here, rats of course don't help and the neighbours are toxic. However, that does not excuse his behaviour towards me.

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mathanxiety · 15/09/2009 17:46

Defaulting on the mortgage is going to do a number on his credit, though. Surely he has taken this into account? He is trying hard to intimidate you with the prospect of being homeless, but walking away from the mortgage is going to bite him in the bum more than you, in the end. Definitely never talk alone with him about any arrangements. Can you talk in a cafe of somewhere else public? He has already crossed the line of beating you . A solicitor is the first step for you, to learn exactly where you stand, legally, no matter what your H says this afternoon.

BlipinaBottle · 15/09/2009 16:59

IsItMeOr he won't sell the car , he aquires them as flippantly as i might buy a cheap lipstick. Besides, i think he secretly likes pissing off the neighbours taking up most of the parking on our close!

EightiesChick yes he will want it to be repossessed, can't sell due to negative equity. I am torn whether i want to stay here anyway - in the two years we have lived here we have had massive problems with rats in the attic and kitchen cupboards. Thought had got rid but heard them in the attic again last night. Just feel like letting the rats have the place

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EightiesChick · 15/09/2009 16:51

"Junk it"? Meaning what, let the mortgage company repossess it, or sell it for what you can and then rent? Sounds fishy. Be careful about this. And have either of you spoken to the mortgage lender to see if they will allow you to pay off the arrears at a manageable rate? In these situations the advice always seems to be to tell them you're having problems, not just wait for bailiffs and nasty letters to arrive.

IsItMeOr · 15/09/2009 16:43

to hear that. Just a thought - does he need the car, or is there any chance of him selling it and putting the money towards the mortgage arrears? Can't figure out if that would be really rude to his friend who gave it to him though!

BlipinaBottle · 15/09/2009 13:30

I think you make a very good point. I have already downloaded form from land registry so i can put my interest in our property on the deeds, not sure how good it will do if it gets re-possessed though .

As for the car - the person who has given it is quite wealthy (and generous with it) and it's not worth a lot of money 3 or 4 hundred pounds maybe. Plausable perhaps but i am angry he didn't pay August mortgage because he told me he had so was blatantly lying

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IsItMeOr · 15/09/2009 13:20

Hmm, very peculiar. At the risk of sounding big sisterish, I think you're right to be wary still. And can you still discreetly see the solicitor WA put you in touch with? It does sound as if he is deliberately trying to keep you in the dark about family finances tbh, and that worries me on your behalf. The solicitor would help you to put things on a more even footing which will be afirmer basis for the two of you making another go of it.

BlipinaBottle · 15/09/2009 13:05

Thankyou IsItMeOr. He says he just hasn't had the money available to pay it (he is self employed therefore doesn't have a regular income) - however he did turn up yesterday with another car which he claims was given to him for nothing . I'm going to remain wary i think for the time being.

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IsItMeOr · 15/09/2009 13:00

I sincerely hope you're right Blip, and that this works out for you. Either way, you know you will always get support on here.

Have you got to the bottom of why H hasn't been paying the mortgage and where the money has gone? I'm just worried for you that there is more going on here. "Junk"ing the house sounds very peculiar to me, as it will ruin your/H credit rating...

BlipinaBottle · 15/09/2009 11:28

Sorry for disappearing yesterday but H turned up unexpectedly early and did not leave. I think he must have had a stern talking to by either his parents or friends because he was really apologetic and has taken responsibility for his actions - something he has never done before ever.

I really hope that this is it and we can be a proper team again. I have just bought the Lundy Bancroft book that i have heard so much about here on MN so will have a read and hope to gain some insight.

Not sure what will happen with this house, H wants to junk it and go and rent somewhere "for a fresh start" - i'm not too sure about that though.

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IsItMeOr · 14/09/2009 19:42

How are you doing Blip?

GypsyMoth · 14/09/2009 18:55

whats 'that simple' Macdoodle???

like another poster said...view it as a new start!!

tryingherbest · 14/09/2009 18:45

Bin you've been incredibly strong and proactive so far. Hoping you are OK.

Many solicitors do legal aid and I'm sure that what's ahead of you looks daunting but you can get through this with the help available.

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