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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finally Come To An End

38 replies

Chinchilla · 16/05/2003 20:17

Well, it looks like my marriage is finally over. It has been limping along for a while, and it has all come to a head tonight. I can't post more at the moment, as I am still not sure how I feel. I am sad that 15 years together has been a waste, apart from ds, and also sad that we were not strong enough to withstand the onslaught of a child. I know that this breaks a lot of couples, and I don't want to be a statistic.

OP posts:

Nutjob · 16/05/2003 20:25

Chinchilla - Don't know what to say that won't sound cliched and contrite, but want to send you a great BIG cyber hug.

meanmum · 16/05/2003 20:26

Sad news Chinchilla. Thinking of you and wishing I could be there to make tea and give cuddles (even if I don't know you personally). Passing these on via mumsnet.

Lots of hugs, love, tea and sympathy.

ks · 16/05/2003 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Clarinet60 · 16/05/2003 20:35

Ditto.
Thinking of you,
xxxxxx

Frenchgirl · 16/05/2003 20:42

Chinchilla, I'm so very sorry to hear that and I send you lots of cyber hugs. I know the strain having a child can put on a relationship as dh and I went through a very bad patch a couple of years ago. I am new to mumsnet but I can see people do care about each other here and there's a lot of support. Keep in touch with us please.
I'll be thinking of you.

scoobysnax · 16/05/2003 20:53

Chinchilla
You are not a statistic. Change is part of life and it can be a positive thing. 15 years have not been wasted but it is not healthy to stick with the same relationship all your life in a lot of circumstances...
This is a start as well as an end.
Thinking of you
Cyber love
Scoobysnax
xxx

ScummyMummy · 16/05/2003 20:58

Chinchilla, I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.

jodee · 16/05/2003 21:10

Chinchilla, I don't know what to say other than I am deeply sorry for you all. Big hugs. xx

Ghosty · 16/05/2003 21:34

Chincilla ... hugs from me too {{{}}}

griffy · 16/05/2003 21:41

Sorry, Chinchilla - you sound miserable. I wish we could wave a magic wand and make it right for you. We're all thinking of you, and scoobysnax has got a good, positive way of looking at things that might help.

bossykate · 16/05/2003 21:42

oh chinchilla. i have observed you have posted a number of times on h's behaviour. so sorry to hear it has come to this. sending you much sympathy, best wishes, bk.

mammya · 16/05/2003 21:45

Chinchilla, sorry to read this. You're bound to be feeling very negative at the moment and it's alwasy sad when a relationship dies especially such a long one, but it has to be better to be on your own and happy than in a relationship and miserable. Plus you're not on your own as you've got your ds. I agree with Scoobysnax, it's a beginning as well as an end. Sending you lots of {{{hugs{}}}} and keep posting

Tigger2 · 16/05/2003 22:10

Chinchilla, sorry to hear your news, when you feel the time is right, post again.

Tigger
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Original poster

Chinchilla · 16/05/2003 22:15

Thanks for all your support. I don't know what is happening. We talked, and it just became a 'You do this...' conversation. I asked him if he loved me, and didn't get a real reply. He then asked me the same, and I said that I loved the person that he used to be. At the end of the conversation, we ate, watched 'Friends' and then he seemed to think that it is all OK again.

He is treating it as if it was a part of my depression, and almost treating me gently now, so as not to upset me. I really think that he just wants to carry on as 'normal', and I know that he won't go to Relate with me. It is so tempting to just move on from this, and I wonder if I am feeling like this because of the stress of having a busy toddler and depression, or if I should just move on now and give up 15 years together. If he doesn't love me, then why does he want to carry on? I asked him this, and he said 'I didn't say that I don't love you. You are just different when you are depressed.'

Oh, I don't know what to do for the best. Perhaps I just need to think of ds first. Poor love, he was screaming in his cot earlier, while H and I were having our first 'conversation'. I didn't go to him immediately, as I thought I needed to have my say. We both sobbed together on the bed when I went to get him. What is this all doing to him?

OP posts:

florenceuk · 16/05/2003 22:22

Chincilla, so sorry to hear this. Lots of sympathy, keep posting if it helps.

meanmum · 16/05/2003 22:27

I'm not a counsellor and haven't been to a counsellor but what about if you go by yourself and see what it has to offer you. Even if dh won't go it may at least help you crystalise what your thoughts and feelings are and what decisions you need to take.

Keep talking.

aloha · 16/05/2003 22:30

I'm sorry, maybe I missed something, but are you sure he won't go to counselling, even if he realises how serious you are? I don't know your history but from this post it seems he does love you but talks 'manspeak'. I could be totally wrong of course.

Original poster

Chinchilla · 16/05/2003 22:57

Yes, I'm sure.

OP posts:

Tortington · 17/05/2003 00:34

so sorry xxxxx

bunny2 · 17/05/2003 07:23

Chinchilla, your toddler is ok. Dont beat yourself up about him at the moment. He is very young and resilient. The important thing to do is ensure you have a happy future. Then your toddler will be happy too.

I left my first husband, there were no children involved but it was still a very hard decision and a big step. I knew our relationship was slowly destroying me (depression, panic attacks and worse) but it was still the hardest thing I have ever done. HOwever, it was also the wisest and bravest thing. Years down the line I am happy and no longer take prozac or visit a shrink. Many of my problems just faded away as I got my life back under control. I am glad I did it. Good luck.

doormat · 17/05/2003 08:51

chinchilla thinking of you

SoupDragon · 17/05/2003 09:00

thinking of you too...

WideWebWitch · 17/05/2003 09:55

Chinchilla, forgive me for sticking my nose in but are you sure it's all over? I know you've been depresed and having a hard time with being a SAHM and I just wonder whether this might be a storm worth riding? I left my husband when ds was 2 and, although I don't regret it because I do think we were fundamentally unsuited, I do think my depression and unhappiness at being a SAHM at the time contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. I didn't think this at the time though, it's all with hindsight. He also wouldn't answer the Do You Love Me? question and I thought that was a big deal and meant the end really. He then said the same as your h, that he hadn't said he didn't love me etc. but he did find my being depressed and bad tempered very hard. He wouldn't have left me because of it though, I am sure of that. We hadn't been together for 15 years either as you have - it's a long time so surely something must been right between you? Anyway, this may all be way off the mark and if so, ignore it. My husband said he wouldn't go to counselling either but once I'd left was prepared to do anything, including counselling, to get me back. By then it was too late though. Whatever you decide, your ds will be ok I'm sure. Good luck.

Marina · 17/05/2003 11:19

Chinchilla, wise words from other Mumsnet friends here, I can't add to them really. Just to say thinking of you and so very sorry to hear your news.

Tinker · 17/05/2003 12:44

Chinchilla - really sorry to hear this, hope you are ok.

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