Can anyone understand why this has upset me so much?

[OrmIrian]

I am struggling with DS#2 atm. I have whinged about him on here from time to time. He's very demanding and tiring. He is stubborn as a mule and very uncompromising. Life with him is a series of battles. However he is also totally adorable and very loving. So.. we muddle along.

Recently he has been almost impossible to get to sleep. The last few nights I have carried out the termtime bed-time routine to the letter - bath, books, cuddle - that we had let slip a little during the holidays. Normally that works after a while - takes 10/15 mins before he actually goes to sleep.
But atm he simply can't get off. So most of my last 2 evenings have been spent getting DS#2 to sleep. I have a very sore foot, I am
creeping back into the depression that hit me last summer mainly because I can't run and I am working full-time whilst DH is at home with the DC.

DH went out last night and the night before to the gym. I have no problem with that, never have. But it did mean that I was coping with all of this alone. DS#2 will stay up till really late given the chance and because eventually I fell asleep with DS#2, DS#1 didn't get to bed till after 11.

I was talking to DH about all this this morning. His only contribution was to say 'we have to put a stop to this as it's killing our sex life'. Bugger the fact that it's wearing me to a frazzle, that it's making DS#2 tired and cantakerous, that my evenings are disappearing down the swanee, that I get no time with the other DC. Sex is a fraught subject with us at the best of times. I have a very low sex drive, DH doesn't. We compromise with once or twice a week. I'd never bother again given the choice and DH would do it more often. But the quantity hasn't really dropped recently.

Is it odd that his comment has bothered me so much? It felt like a slap in the face. Doesn't it seem selfish? I have had my doubts about our marriage before - the usual ones that hit any long-term relationship I guess - but I have always comforted myself that things were OK. But this, added to other little things, has really upset me. Does it seem daft?

[screamingabdab]

BTW, I didn't mean just sexual needs

[baskingseals]

When I walk out of the room, they all follow me, dd,ds, the dog and sometimes dh. Dh has the luxury of just walking out of the room without feeling he's at the head of a very slow camel train. I read somewhere that the woman is the centre of the family, everybody looks to her, it sounds like everybody wants a slice of your pie, Ormiron, and you're probably feeling guilty which is why it got to you. There is only so much pie to go round. And that's okay. You're not responsible for anyone's happiness except for your own, even your children Sometimes thinking that can release you a bit, if you take everything on board it's too much. Let them all get on with it, don't put pressure on yourself. Want to write more but i can hear their dulcet tones.

[OrmIrian]

Thankyou all for your replies and support. It is appreciated. DH came to pick me up from work because I can't walk that easily atm. We had a bit of a chat which eased the tension a little.

I am definitely the head of the procession basking, even when Dh is at home all day. But he did keep the DCs happy and busy all day, sorted out DS#1's passport and hung out the washing.

[mathanxiety]

You really have two problems here: the DC being a ball of energy at bedtime is one and the DH's attitude that children can be basically appendages or accessories to the central relationship is the other, much bigger one. Yes, you and the DH have the central relationship, but no, the children are very obviously not creatures that can be turned off and put away when the day is officially over (according to your DH's timetable). He has to be made to see that you are a team working together with the children to make everyone's life better in every way. And though he is a SAHD, I wonder if he secretly resents the children and if the DS's crankiness is a response to what he feels. My crabby fourth child is the most sensitive and perceptive of all my children -- at the time she was born my ex husband had basically checked out of our marriage.
Kindness really is the oil that makes everything else run in a relationship. He can't just run off to the gym and leave you dealing with the hassles after a full day's work with no time for you at all. If you don't have time for you, to recharge, you'll have nothing to give to anyone else. (Here I am referring to sex) A little shoulder rub, a little concern for your sore foot, a little realisation that your sleep habits are being drastically affected by the DS's behaviour and that depression on your part is bad for everyone, would help.
Maybe the two of you could sit down together and write down on two sheets the problems, both practical and relationship-wise you are facing on a day to day basis. Number them one to whatever, then swop pages and see if any of them match. If they don't match at all, then maybe you should try some counseling.

[mathanxiety]

Sometimes a cranky child is actually a really sensitive child who acts like a barometer of the family's emotional state. Maybe your DS feels that your DH secretly resents the children, or is having issues with being a SAHD. Perhaps your DS senses that your DH sees the children as accessories or appendages and is therefore more needy than average, seeking reassurance and attention at bedtime. There's a happy medium between children as appendages and totally child-centered maybe the DS is feeling that you are not on the same page in this area, and is insecure. You and the DH need to agree on and set out your philosophy, like a mission statement for you as a couple just to say who you are, what you hope to achieve both for each other and for the family and how you hope to get there (hint -- the word 'kindness' needs to feature prominently in this section.) Corny but it might help to both go in the same direction.

[OrmIrian]

Thankyou math. That is very helpful.

The way we see our family shape is at the heart of this I think. FIL walked out on his family when he realised that 3 DCs under 6 were hard work . I can't help feeling that DH is beginning to see why. But I do think we need to compare expectations on this as you say. TBH we've never had a plan as such - we just got on with it and for the most part it's worked. DS#2 has been the fly in the ointment - a much loved fly of course )

I also agree that DS has picked up on his position in the family (ie the 3rd so feels he needs to shout to get heard, the baby) and DH's feelings too perhaps. And if I'm honest the scrap of resentment that I feel at times - but that is towards DH more than to the DC.

I will confess to encouraging DH to go out - I like my own company and that way I don't feel giulty about getting time to myself. Not that I'm getting that atm