If a man reaches the age of 45 without children or marriage....

[elliott]

is he a lost cause?

Just speculating really as someone I know is in this position, and claims to want children. He also hates being single and has had a string of relatively long term relationships. Trouble is he never seems to be able to make the final step to commit - too much committed to his 'art' and fears having to compromise I think (as well as having to make money - currently struggles to feed his mortgage let alone any dependents...)

But then I read threads about people having mid-life crises and basically running away from their commitments and I think, well, as least he hasn't messed anyone else's life up, he hasn't left a string of divorced women or fatherless children, or a wife who has to do everything and is effectively a single parent...

So, do you think he's likely to find love and family life and live happy ever after or best to live as a rolling stone forever ...

[elliott]

ah but ripeberry at least he is happy with what he (doesn't) have! Mine is in a state of inner turmoil and confusion...he may be nearly 50 but his mental age is probably closer to 15!

[Ripeberry]

My brother is a lost cause, he will be 40yrs old next year. Has NEVER had a girlfriend as he is not interested, he is not interested in men either, he does not want children ever and basically i think he should have been a hermit

[duke748]

I read somewhere once something that really struck a chord with me.

Women see getting married and having kids as a natural progression of a good relationship. Most women have a (conscious or sub-conscious) time line in mind, ie date for a year, live together for a year, get married and have kid no1 a year later.

Men see getting married and having kids as a life stage that they go through. If he feels he has achieved what he wants in his career, if all of his friends are getting married, if he is the age his father was when he got married... So for a guy, the age he is ready to commit is more about everything else that is going on in his life, rather than the woman he is with.

That's why quite often you hear about these guys who were with someone for years and years and the year after they break up, they get married to someone they have been with for 6 months.

I might be totally off track here, but this sounds like what is going on for this guy. He doesn't feel stable in his career and finances, so its never been the right time to get married.

[Katisha]

I think sometimes people think The One will hit them between the eyes and then they'll KNOW and it will all be easy.

Whereas in practice you have to compromise a bit usually.

Waiting for The One can mean never realising that someone you do already know could also be The One with a bit of give and take...

[warthog]

could be that he hasn't met the right woman.

or he's a commitment phobe

or he's got a fundamental problem which means no self-respecting woman would stay with him long term.

[makipuppy]

My ex has relationships that last around 3 years, or less if the lucky lady gets antsy earlier. I know of three before me and have seen two since.

He loves the sex on tap relationship, but for him, commitment equals loss of independence.

It fair breaks my heart to meet these women (we're still friends somehow) - I want to say don't bother, run, he's a bad bet, but who would listen to the ex?

He's 43, still quite hot looking, fun and sexy. He still gets women. But in a few years he'll start looking like a dirty old man cruising for sex (I hope ).

[GentleOtter]

I am so sorry Lemony.

[scottishmummy]

lemony,anniversaries are so hard.something you get through but dont get over. do take care.berevements are like joining a club you never wanted to,being forced to endure certain circumstances.all the time wanting to shout i dont want this

2years is very recent,raw in fact

[Lemonylemon]

elliott - no, I didn't think you were - it's your thread after all.....

Yes, I'm very glad to have met him and our daughter is a huge blessing...

I think that your brother is probably now waking up to a few not-so-nice facts about life and that he may start to change a few things....

[scottishmummy]

but the impetus to have children will come from him,if he wants to.being vocationally driven maybe he has not found it a priority

[elliott]

lemony not meaning to ignore you - your story is desperately sad, but I am glad (as I am sure you are) that you did meet your dh and have dd...

[Lemonylemon]

DD (who's nearly 2), DS (who's 12) and I joggle along. It was quite tough in the beginning, but has settled down a bit now. It's the second anniversary over the next week or so, (yes, it takes a week from collapse to dying - so a bit drawn out) which is why my posts have been a bit preoccupied with it all. Thank you for your kind thoughts.....

[elliott]

well its hardly in my power to change him lol!
He is having a bit of a crisis really as I guess he's suddenly realised he's well on his way to 50 and doesn't have the kind of domestic life he would like. I suppose he thought he would 'make it' in his career first...but it isn't ever going to be like that.
Actually I am rather thankful that he hasn't had children and then left them. Its not confidence I don't think, more a fear of being tied down and having to compromise his work. He is really rather self absorbed, a bit of a habit I think since he's never really had to worry about anyone else

[scottishmummy]

oh my goodness that is so sad.what a cruel twist of fate.how are you and DD now

[pasturesnew]

V sorry to hear of your loss Lemony.

I don't think someone of that age would necessarily be a lost cause but maybe would explore if he had confidence issues etc. e.g. needed to be more of a "provider" or didn't see himself as attractive, which the "right woman" might help him resolve.

[Lemonylemon]

GentleOtter : My OH was dedicated to his composing and his latter career of landscape gardener.

He had never wanted marriage and children before he met me (God, that sounds smug...)

We decided to get married and then a few months later, I fell pregnant with our beautiful daughter - unfortunately, my OH died while I was pregnant, so never got to see her.....

The thing is, that I was the one who had quite a few failed relationships

[scottishmummy]

i'd worry more about 45yo string of failed relationships,many children.inability to sustain a commited relationship

rather than a hard working driven 45yo no children

[Blu]

I wasn't a lost cause when I got togther with DP at 42 and had DS at 43!

Just picky

And had a string of misgiuded relationships before that.

[GentleOtter]

Lemonylemon - we are very similar regarding the age (and wallets!) of our dh's. My dh had been utterly committed to his farm and had been alone most of his life but always knew that one day he would find a wife and have family.
He is now 52 and we have a beautiful 2 year old son so in dh's case, age was not a barrier to finding a life partner or beginning a family.

[scottishmummy]

not a loser at all.in fact very canny.if not ready or unsure - dont procreate.

frankly up to him whether time is right.people should not be cajoled in parentood just because everyone else does

and pragmatically if can provide other than subsistence and is immersed in work now prob not right time.

if he is happy leave him alone dont change him

[Lemonylemon]

My OH was as poor as a church mouse - it never bothered me....

[elliott]

no I don't think he has messed anyone up too much. First girlfriend he did get engaged to and then split up after 7 years - that nearly ruined her life but fortunately she was young enough to rescue it. That was his big mistake imo and has set the pattern.

What would the 'good reasons' be for staying single?

I don't know, I think he maybe needs to decide he is content not to have kids and maybe he'll find someone similar just to keep him company. imo he needs to stop chasing the younger ones! Just worry that he will be old and poor and lonely in 20 years time! (it is my brother btw so I do know him quite well and have a vested interest in his long term happiness and security!)

[Pruneurs]

I think it could go either way.
Either it is the sign of someone who has left a lot of crap behind, maybe, and is a good solid partner because he's got nothing to prove.
Or there's a very good reason for it.

[elliott]

Intersting. I wouldn't say he's comfortable in himself, or necessarily happy (but not unhappy either). he definitely likes to be with a partner, and has had some fairly settled relationships, but they have all come unstuck when it has been time to finally decide. I wouldn't describe him as a good catch personally, he is financially quite precarious and this is the key problem - he puts all his energy into his vocation but gets very little material reward from it. So a partner has to put up with not only no financial security but also him not really being there in any reliable way - a big ask I think. And to add children into the mix....
I think he has not been ready to settle and hasn't felt himself secure enough to, plus I think he is very gregarious and often finds himself with the wrong person (I think if you are attractive to the opposite sex it can actually be harder to find the right person paradoxically!)
Those of you who know late settlers, were they people who had not had many relationships? I often think people who just haven't found anyone are better bets than those who easily find partners but can't stick with them...

[Katisha]

Actually he may have left messed some people up along the way - possibly long-term girlfriends looking for committment from him and basically wasting childbearing years...

I am slightly bitter as I know a man of this age who has done exactly that to several women, Commitophobe,