Another what would you do thread...husband into cyber/phone sex

[shakennotstirred]

This could be very long and drawn out - hopefully not too complicated but I'm hoping that by writing it all down it will help get things clear in my mind.

Firstly a bit of background. DH and I have been married for 9 years, together for 14. We have 3 children (8, 4 and 2). Most of our years together have been happy, although his business folded in 2002 - he walked away with debts amouting to about £20k, didn't tell anyone and I was none the wiser until we started to get threatening letters from baliffs, etc. My parents bailed him out time and time again. I suppose if I'm honest I will always resent him for that. We were forced to sell our house and downsize - all in all it was a nightmare.

Anyway, going back to April last year, DH started to arouse my suspicions in that he would be on the internet (Facebook) until very late every night. He would be secretive about what he was doing (minimise screen if I walked past, etc). So...I snooped. Found out he was having cybersex with a woman on there, and promptly had a fit, deleted her from his friends list and he swore he wouldn't do it again.

A couple of months later, the same thing happened. I installed spy software on the computer as somehow found it easier to handle if I had that element of "control" and knew what was going on.

Well, fast forward to today. He is now on woman no. 8 (or thereabouts) and this time has graduated to phone sex and texting, as well as the online sex. I confronted him at the weekend and basically said that this was a marriage killer, to which he responded "Our marriage is already dead, and has been for a long time. When did we last have sex?!!" Sigh. I really don't want sex with him - somehow the endless women, albeit online, are a real passion killer (particularly when I read things he says to them, like when he's having sex with me, he's thinking of them).

We're both unhappy. The kids are picking up on it.

I've told him I want him to move out and get a divorce, but now the time of reckoning is here he's being super-dad and super-husband, which I'm finding incredibly confusing. I'm in bits and he's acting as though nothing's happened (although he is sleeping in the front room). I'm quite sure he will meet this particular one (he's never met any of the others as they've not been local) and I really don't care. Is it normal to start to have doubts when it gets to this stage? He's on a low wage (under £20k), we have a big mortgage which I can no way afford to pay on my own (I have a TA job starting in September but it's only 15 hrs per week and the pay is appalling).

I'm desperate for the children and I to stay in this house. I'm scared that I'll be lonely (although we don't really talk in the evenings as he's on the computer, it's nice to have another adult presence in the house).

I realise I've waffled and this message is disjointed, but it feels good to get it all out.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Whast's the big deal about the OP living with her coparent X and therefore not being available to 'someone else'? Maybe the OP doesn't want or need a couple-relationship at all. They are not compulsory or necessary.

[shakennotstirred]

Back with an update - thanks for all your responses in my absence.

WRT living together but having an open relationship - that's not something I feel I can do. He will carry on his online "romances" (I use that word in the loosest possible sense) while I continue to do pretty much everything around the house and for the children. It's not something I would be prepared to make work.

Well, he's meeting the OW tonight, after work. He has no idea what they'll do, how he'll get home (assuming he'll be drinking), or in fact whether he'll come home at all, whether he'll have sex with her, etc. etc. I gave him quite a grilling last night after simmering all day (he told me yesterday morning).

It's wierd that he's being so upfront about this rendez-vous but I'm glad I know. It's proved the incentive I need to get my arse into gear - I have an appt with a solicitor on Monday so will know what to do next.

Thank you all again for sharing your thoughts on my situation.

[abedelia]

So, basically he has been upfront about this woman while cosying up to the kids? So now you will (understandably) boot him out and he will get to play victim. Yuck. He has bought this on himself so let him stand on his own two feet pretending to be who he wants to think he is online. Obviously, in reality he is a pretty crap person or at least a crap husband, but I'm sure the OW will work this out for herself in time.

[shakennotstirred]

You're right abedelia - I'm going to quit worrying about his needs and start worrying more about those of mine and our children!!

My concern is that up til now, he's been quite amicable and has offered, given his salary, a fairly generous amount of money per month (more like 40% of his salary as opposed to the 20% someone mentioned earlier). I'm afraid that this OW will discourage his generosity and put ideas in his head that might not otherwise have been there.

He didn't come home last night which really is the cherry on the icing on the cake. Bastard.

[shakennotstirred]

The children have asked this morning, "Where's Daddy?". I hadn't a clue what to say. I can't believe he's done this; true colours really are being shown now.

[oftenpurple]

I wouldn't lie it put in this position but to protect your DC's feelings, I'd say something like 'I'm not sure but he'll be fine.' I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this but as you say, he is showing his true colours now. It's time to concentrate your efforts on yourself and your children.

[countingto10]

Time to pack his stuff in bin bags I feel - that was the wake up call my DH needed. You need to be in control and take control.

Sorry you are in this position - it is horrendous and nothing anyone can say or do to make it better for you or your DC. I wish men could see and realise all the distress and trauma they cause when they act this way. If your marriage isn't working, you communicate and discuss and sort out things, not take up cyber sex, OW, whatever.

Good luck.

[abedelia]

Quite, countingto10. He obviously doesn't give a crap about the OP and her feelings - imho he has been building himself up as whatever to these women online as he has been quite the failure at home. Well, that's his choice and now he will have to deal with the consequences. Especially as he has done it again and again.

FFS, I hate his attitude - who would want to have sex with someone who has admitted he thinks of other women when he has sex with his wife. What is she, a blow up doll? While I don't agree that SGB's lifestyle suits many people on here (though respect her choice if it works for her, which it clearly does as she seems very happy!), even in a non-monogomous relationship, surely it is basic courtesy to think of the person you are with when you are with them? That made me feel sick.

The money side is going to be tough - realistically I don't think he will keep to the 40% but you can expect about 25%, if I remember, and tax credits will be quite generous if you are on TA pay (and at least you are not working in the hols so don't have childcare to sort then - have you considered doing a GTP and learn on the job while being paid, if you enjoy teaching?) Also, there's the ownership and equity in the house to consider, so you need a solicitor.

But money isn't everything and you deserve to be happy, whereas he deserves to have his safety net pulled out from under him. He'll have to take his chances with the OW - wonder if she's anything like she pretended to be online, one he scratches the surface?

[everythingistaken]

hi o.p sorry you are going through this, my heart goes out to you and your kids. Has the scumbag dared to show his face yet??

[shakennotstirred]

I've not heard from him all day, so called his work about 15 minutes ago (he's in retail and works most Saturdays). I had quite convinced myself that he'd have called in sick, but he answered. I asked if he was coming home tonight as the children were asking about him, and he said yes. Very short conversation. I'm dreading seeing him tonight, I actually feel sick with anger atm.

I so wish I could pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep (in the rain!!), but it's unrealistic financially. Once I've seen the solicitor on Monday I'll hopefully have more of an idea about where I stand. I'm sure the children and I are entitled to stay in the family home? It's just working out the hell we're going to afford it

[countingto10]

I think you are within your rights to pack his bags - he needs a big wake up call. You are being far too accommodating. Use your anger - he needs to see it. He seems to be calling all the shots atm. Why should you put up with this ? It's a pity you don't know where this OW is to leave all his stuff on her doorstep.

When I saw a solicitor after I found out about my DH and OW (and after I made him pack his own stuff in binbags and take it out to his car), we were/are still a pretty awful financial situation. She told me the worse case scenario would be me on income support with the 4 DC in rented house paid for by housing benefit. OK not ideal but that is the worse that can happen. You need to take control and make him realise what is really going to happen if he carries on with his behaviour and breaks up the family.

You may not want him after all that has happened but do not allow him to call the shots - everything should be on your terms and done your way.

Stay strong and dignified (I actually punched my DH as I was so angry with him - not my finest hour but it felt good ).

[shakennotstirred]

Ohhhh I bet it did, Countingto10. When I see him tonight the temptation to punch him will be huuuuuuuuge. I will resist the urge!!

My main problem is that I am DESPERATE to stay in this house. We're in a lovely area, walking distance to all 3 of my children's schools (and come September I'll be working in one of them!) I think it's going to be do-able financially with the help of Income Support and Tax Credits (very tight financially, but do-able). My DH has said he wouldn't want us to be uprooted, he's prepared to leave.

HOWEVER...we won't be able to afford to pay the mortgage and accommodation costs for him, until our new product on a lower interest rate starts in October. Of course, I don't want him here that long and I'm hoping that after Monday, I'll have much more of an idea how this ideally should be done.

I do feel like a doormat - he will probably be all over the kids when he gets home (super-dad strikes again) and act as though he wasn't out all night last night shagging another woman. I am determined to maintain a frosty but dignified demeanour...will let you know if I manage it or not!!

[shakennotstirred]

countingto10 - should have asked in my last post - how did things work out for you? Did you get to stay in your family home?

[moopymoo]

i think i would empty any bank accounts, change the locks and put his stuff outside in bin bags. no way on earth would he be coming home after being out shagging someone else. you are absolutely entitled to stay in family home. my ex dh did similar stuff. you owe him nothing at all and need to get tough. right now before he sets foot in the house.

[moopymoo]

it is your joint problem to continue the mortgage payments but it is not your concern how he pays for his own accommodation in the short term. do not let him back in. am very grr on your behalf.

[abedelia]

I would also look for somewhere local to rent. I know you are probably very attached to the home and don't want to uproot the dcs, but sometimes an entirely fresh start in somewhere new is the best thing. I will be very relieved when we can leave our current house as it has many bad memories of my H's affair... Also, you don't need the added hassle of being on a shoestring budget when you are also coping with all the other stuff. Once you have seen a solicitor I would file the divorce papers asap and give him a massive wake-up call. Can't he stay somewhere else for a bit? You don't have to let on that you are going to ditch him, just say that after what he did you have a right to have some space for a week.

[everythingistaken]

i'm sure you are entitled too stay in your house, don't let him do this to you, he has got away with it for too long, it was disgusting enough before, but to rub your face in it by stopping out all night he has not respect for you at all. i feel for you

[countingto10]

SNS, when I found out he was with OW and who OW was, he came to his senses and we both decided we wanted to make a go of the marriage.

Very complicated situation, a lot of mental health problems for him due to childhood, stresses of business and financial pressures. He started withdrawing from the marriage, a bit like your DH, flirting online with OW, gambling and eventually started affair with woman from local bookies (couldn't make it up if you tried). He was suicidal by the time I found out about it - had been living with her for about 4 weeks (told me he was staying with mates - I believed him like a fool, told me he needed his space etc).

We agreed to make a go of things and have having therapy at Relate for the last 3 months and that is still ongoing. They have been very good, saw us immediately as an urgent appointment and have since reduced their fees for us. We both have a lot of past issues that have never been resolved going back to childhood issues and my previous relationship with alcholic etc. We have had to both recognise our parts in the marriage problems (obviously the affair was crossing a line and DH accepts full responsibilty for it). Our therapist just says she wishes she could get to couples before one has an affair because of the damage it does.....

It is a very hard road to choose to take and the last few weeks have been the hardest of my life but the DC want their mum and dad to be together and hopefully, we are working towards having a much stronger and happier marriage. DH has even suggested renewing our vows - I'm not quite ready for that just yet but getting there.

I do have a lot of "sledgehammer" moments when I think of him and OW but they are becoming less and less with time. He is just repulsed by her now and dreads ever bumping into her (we think she may have lost her job due to the affair but are not sure).

I can see how our marriage got to this point and we are both working hard to repair it.

I am thinking of you and wish you luck tonight.

[countingto10]

How are you doing Shaken ? Been thinking about you - it's a terrible thing to be going through, having been there myself.

[twoclimbingboys]

shaken - he is taking the piss staying out all night. Are you ok?