Stand-off with Non-Voting DH - feeling rubbish - need symapthy / advice pls!

[FeelingLousy]

I'd really some help here to make sense of all this. Sorry - may get long.

Dh got in from work just before 7 pm last night. I was in the kitchen and I heard him come in, say something to ds then ds started crying. Dh came in the kitchen. Said hi, how are you, good day at work etc. Then I said "Are you going to vote?" and dh said no. I replied "Why?" and he said quite loudly (I'm trying to be fair here, I cuold say he shouted) "I don't want any grief from you, I've had a long day at work, the kids are giving me hassle now I get it from you".

I was really surprised and stung by this but he went off and sat down in living room. I felt like he'd slapped me the face, shut me up and I also felt really frustrated and disappointed that he wasn't going to use his vote. So I hung around in the kitchen avoiding him.

When I went back int othe living room he seemed fine, as if nothing had happened. I was really not happy, and he rounded on me again, saying that I was hanging around like bad smell. I said well yes, I'm upset with you. He asked why it was such a big deal and I said a) because it's lazy not to, and b) this is an important one because of the political unrest atm. Dh replied by saying that he may as well have stayed in the town where he works and got drunk, and if he'd known that I was give him hassle, he would have.

THere was so much I could have said, but I didn't. We sat there and watched Big Brother but my heart felt like a stone (BB didn't exactly help!) I didn't say anyting nasty back to him.

This morning dh said "YOu still not talking to me?" and I told him I was still hurt, and that regardless of the whole political apathy thing, I was hurt that he'd talk to me like that, with such little respect or love. I said that I felt it was his duty to vote, but really I was most hurt by his words to me. I told him I'd never dream of speaking to him the way he spoke to me - he'd be furious if I did.

Dh had previously arranged with ds (5) to do somehting special with him while I take dd toa doc appointment later today. As dh went to work he said over his shuolder, "I will look after ds if I'm back in time. Somehow I don't think I will be".

So over to you, MN jury. I know he's acting like a complete idiot, but what do I do, except sit here feeling crap? I have too much self-respect to let it go.

[FeelingLousy]

Pan - yeahh, I know! Waste of time (altho the Brazilian Rodrigo is very watchable)

[FeelingLousy]

No but it might have made a difference to whether we are represented in Europe by the BNP. Which is way too depressing to think about.

[FeelingLousy]

Come to think of it, it was a county council decision to shut down a whole heap of schools, so choosing not to vote for county councillors does kinda suggest that one doesn't give a toss about their decisions.

[KingCanuteIAm]

No FL, it kind of suggest he has had a bad day, is fed up and wants to not have to do something just because you feel strongly about it.

Applying labels to people is an inexact science, just because you think it means one thing doesn't make it so, there are hundreds of reasons people choose not to vote, apathy is amoungst them but it is not the only one. Are you sure your dh has not taken a reasoned decision not to vote but decided not to discuss it with you as he knows it will be "red rag to a bull" for you?

[BitOfFun]

I think the voting stuff is a side issue, and fwiw, no you shouldn't have clobbered him with it as soon as he got in the door. I agree with the old bottle of wine and a chat idea too rather than a big moan. I still think it's essential though to make your point about how being spoken to contemptuously will eat away at your affection and do nobody any good. It's got to be a baseline that you generally treat each other with kindness etc- that certainly doesn't mean you can't disagree and get passionate about your point of view, but honestly, what is the point of even being in a relationship if you are going to speak to the other person like you can't stand them?

That's a dealbreaker for me anyway, and I would bring it up- with kindness and understanding, but making yourself very clear.

[FeelingLousy]

KingCanute, good point - I am pretty sure that is why he didn't want to discuss it with me - because he knows I hold strong opinions.

But no, his reason not to vote was that he'd had a long day and couldn't be bothered. (He'd said as much the day before, but I hadn't reacted much at the time. I had hoped he'd change his mind.) Work is more defining for him than society - although without society his job would vaporise (one of the many things I culd have said on subject, but didn't).

But this has got me thinking about the genuine reasons peope choose not to vote. Might start a thread later.

[KingCanuteIAm]

I do uderstand the way you feel, I am sure you are right that he just didn't want to vote for whatever reason and that is a very frustrating stand for some people to take. I just think that he reacted the way he did because he already knew the way you would react.

Honestly, if he had come in and just said, "No I am not going to vote, what is for tea darling" rather than getting cross with you, would you have held your tounge the way you did? Or would you have tried to convince him of his duty to vote?

I just think he was trying to cut off the conversation before it began because he did not want/did not feel up to dealing with it/your opinions right then! He did it badly, he shouldn't talk to you like that but TBH I would have been tempted to do the same thing if I knew a political rant was coming as soon as I got in from a crap day!

[ReallyReally]

but he didn't just snap at her

he also suggested he was going to let her - and also, importantly, his ds - by refusing to commit to a special time with ds he had already arranged

you can snap at your dw or your dh once every now and again, that's fine, but then to say you're not going to look after your own kids because of it is just a powerplay, and is very unfair on ds

[ReallyReally]

let her down obv, I meant to say

[lostinthecitylover]

I didn't vote for the first time yesterday ever. Apathy was really my only excuse.

Two things if someone was ramming stuff down my throat/lecturing me about the ills of society - as important as that is when I came in from work tired and hungry (I often feel like a zombie after a days work) I would have probably snapped at them. It's great to have a worthy cause but in the right time and place.

I also have seen it from the other side when I used to get on my exhs case about something when all he wanted to do was relax.

Maybe all my relationships have been dysfunctional but I thought it was quite normal to be like this when you get home from work and most people need a period of time to wind down and make the transition to home stuff.

Very hard when dcs jump on you when you walk through the door, I know.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Well, we do not know if he had promised ds or just dw do we?

I agree that it is a childish way to handle things, but that is it, childish, not evil. We all have silly childish, stompy feet moments which are best dealt with like any other childish behaviour IMO - as long as they are not the norm. A one off is very different to a behaviour pattern. The op has said there is a lot going on that mean things are pretty tough at the moment.

Yes, in an ideal world we would all be lovely and never let each other down, but we live in a real one where it is best not to make a drama out of a crisis usually.

[skidoodle]

I'm guessing from your story that this is more about voting than the others seem to think.

Or at least it seems to be that his decision not to vote and your feelings on the matter are central to what has annoyed him and upset you.

Was "Are you going to vote?" a neutral question? Or is his unwillingness to vote something that annoys you generally and that you've bickered over before?

His reaction to you suggests to me that this was not the first time you'd ever had a discussion about voting and that he finds your views on voting being a duty irritating.

So I'm guessing that he came in from work in a shit mood, your DS said/did something that irked him and then he's getting a guilt trip for not fulfilling his voting duties. He raised his voice (but not really shouting according to you) and left the room.

Now this is where I think you both let things get out of hand:

I think you could have just let things lie at that point. He made it clear he was not in the mood for a row about whether he was going to vote. He had been quite rude, but it was enough to wait until he'd calmed down and say "I think you owe me an apology for the way you spoke to me earlier. You bit my head off for asking a simple question, and I don't think that's a fair way to treat me"

Instead you got into a sulk and kept things going. He was fine when you went into the room, but it seems got irritated by the fact that you were obviously in a mood. He responded by attacking you. This, to me, was your chance to say "I will not be spoken to like that in my own home. I am cross because you snapped at me earlier, and I will remain cross until I get a full apology for how you're behaving."

Instead you went back to nagging him about voting, which sent the message that you were pissed off because he wouldn't do as you wanted and not because he was rude to you.

So then you sit there sulking all night long instead of addressing the issue and in the morning are obviously still in a sulk with him. Now I understand why you were so pissed off but I still think that you missed another opportunity to make it clear what you were mad about and how you expected it to be fixed.

Finally he decides to take his anger out on your son by letting him down as a way of punishing you and strops off to work like an angry teenager.

That's how I read what happened. I think you contributed considerably to the bad feeling, but I also think your husband owes you an apology for coming home in such a cranky mood and taking it out on the rest of you.

It sounds to me like his way of rowing and yours are different - he will be all shouty and then expect it to blow over, but you will sulk and keep things going for ages.

People who favour one form tend to think that people who work the other way are monstrous, but they're not. It was not nice of him to snap at you when he got it, but it also wasn't nice of you to go around sulking about something pretty minor.

Do you sulk with other people the way you sulk with him? Or do you expect him to put up with your moods sometimes because he loves you?

I don't think it's a dealbreaker. I do think you should stand your ground and get him to understand why he should not talk to you the way he did. I also think you could maybe start the conversation by saying sorry for anything you did in your evening of misunderstanding and anger to make him feel shitty.

[BitOfFun]

That makes a lot of sense actually, Skidoodle, great post!

Disclaimer- I am not a sulker, and I did have a consistently shitty ex

[skidoodle]

BitOfFun

I almost admire someone with the barefaced cheek to call your demands that he treat you decently "censoring his personality".

Right, so your personality is that you're a dickhead and the problem here is that I'm asking you not to be one?

I guess in a way he was right

[FeelingLousy]

Back again.

Skidoddle, I think you have it about 100% right. I don't mean to sulk but I probably do when I don't know how to sy what I want to say. I'm pretty sure it doesn't happen with other people.

As it happens, he came home earlier, had his nice time with ds, bought me a cake on the way home and we have had a good lucid convo about political process. He hadn't got why it was so important to me. But we've at least cleared that one out of the way.

We haven't talked about the issue of his rudeness but I'm not sure if I want to. It's been a long day.

[FeelingLousy]

Just to add - this is why I love MN. I need perspective!

[sayithowitis]

Glad you appear to have sorted it FL. FWIW though, I have to say that if it was ne it would not have been the fact that you asked whether I was going to vote that would have annoyed me. it would have been the fact that you then questioned my right to choose not only who to vote for, but whether to vote at all. We do live in a 'democratic' country and IMO, democracy means that if I choose not to vote, for whatever reason, that choice is just as valid as choosing to vote. Maybe you and he have to accept that this is an area you both have opposing opinions on and agree that it will not be up for discussion beyond a simple 'did you remember to vote today?' next time?

Anyway, as I said before, i am pleased it seems to be sorted for now.

[skidoodle]

Glad it's sorted

FWIW (which is probably nothing) I agree with you about voting.