Need advice, friend says I couldn't possibly be being abused...

[KayHarkerDoesNotSimper]

OK, I need some advice and perspective.

Some of you know what's been going on with my marriage recently. Well, I never did phone WA, and I spoke to a RL friend instead. I explained to her that he'd grabbed me and shaken me angrily more than once in our marriage.

He's lovely one minute and really mean the next - just last night he was sitting on the end of the bed telling me I was lazy and didn't do anything and the kids are copying me, and then this morning he's all helpful and wants me to go to the GP (for depression) where a few weeks ago he was really against it. He keeps me up late to 'talk things over', even though he knows I'll be really tired, and when I say I want to go to sleep, he gets really cross about me 'refusing to talk' and face up to my issues blah blah blah.
When I go to bed early to try and off-set this, I can hear him downstairs, stomping about and just feel really scared.

I explained some of this to my friend, and she told me that she couldn't really believe that I was facing any abuse because I was such a gobby woman anyway, and I gave as good as I got with my mouth. She basically said that when he tells me I'm pushing his buttons that I am, and need to stop and then everything will be fine. She said loads of couples wind each other up to the point of one shaking the other, and it really wasn't a big deal.

I've been trying to pluck up the courage to phone WA again, but I'm hearing her and thinking that they're just going to tell me the same sort of thing. So am I being a drama queen? Should I just stop being selfish and get on with it?

[FabulousBakerGirl]

I stayed with someone as I didn't feel I would get anyone better else.

I was right.

I left and got someone bloody amazing who never puts me down, tells me I am a great mum and puts me first ALL the time.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THE SAME.

[tattifer]

Kay, I was a gobby cow who took five years or so to realise that my now ex partner was a controlling freak. Luckily my friends could believe it - it took me getting shoved across a room the day I really answered back and then got told I had provoked him, to realise what was going on.

[KayHarkerDoesNotSimper]

Och, i can't kick him out, it's his house. It's not right, though, is it? I spose I just need to hear that this stuff isn;t normal, I;ve got so used to it.

sorry for typing, I;m half cut.

[GypsyMoth]

Kay,you aren't your mother. Don't listen to him. He sounds manipulative,very. How happy could you be if he weren't there? Can you answer that?

[FabulousBakerGirl]

NO it isn't right,

Please don't say you have got used to it.

[KayHarkerDoesNotSimper]

Well, that's it, I have. i really thought this was different to everything else. I've stuck it out, I made promises, before God that I was in it to the end, and I really believed he was different. I feel like I've been sleepwalking.

I don't know if I can be happy. I don't know what that means. I have no skills. Nothing I can effectively do to support myself. I don't have a way out.

[tattifer]

Never get used to it Kay!

It's abuse, no less damaging without the bruising, in some respect more so.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

Have you decided to stay?

[tattifer]

Kay, talk to womens aid. They will help and be able to offer you support.

You sound really low - you're a mum, your kids need you. please don't give in or give up.

[BitOfFun]

Kay, you're pissed and upset- start a silly thread to cheer up and come back to this with a clear head! You are in an unhappy abusive relationship and your bolshiness is the survival instinct that has kept you going this far...don't lose it! Life goes on and happiness is yours in your future, but for now, just decompress and tackle it when you can- we will all be here for you

[fryalot]

good advice from BoF there, kay.

Part of the cycle of abuse is that he has made you feel so worthless and incapable; but you're not

[KayHarkerDoesNotSimper]

BoF, yep, you;re right, not the time to tackle it. I'm sozzled. I shall go and be smutty and silly!

[junglist1]

Your friend is thick, and the reason why abused women are scared to share their problems. I've been with my twat for 10 years and give as good as I get verbally when the kids aren't around, but that doesn't mean it's not abuse. Last night my bastard punched me on the arm and I told him he wouldn't do it to a man because he'd get punched back and he's pathetic in my eyes. Which all abusive men are. You keep your gobbiness lady, you are BETTER than him. There's this image that abused women are mice and it's crap. My friend was abused for years and one day went mad and battered him with the plank he was about to beat her with! We are warriors!!

[Habbibu]

Kay, you are intelligent, articulate, highly skilled in writing and have HE'd your children. That stuff is all very CVable, and there will be jobs that you are more than capable of doing, and people that will help you understand your skills and how to make the best of them - not least on here!

Your H should, as others have said, look to himself if he's talking about "bad parent" - abusing your children's other parent is outrageous, and it's him who should be questioning himself, not you. I don't know how I could live with the guilt and shame if I hurt my DH like your H hurt you.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

How do you feel this morning Kay?

I am sorry if I was bossy last night.

[dizietsma]

Hi Kay, just doing a link drop here blog by quiverfull woman who escaped her abusive marriage.

As well as blogging about quiverfull she now writes an awesome feminist blog.

You may not agree with all she writes about, but I think her personal account of leaving her abusive marriage with her large family might be relevant to you, inspirational even.

(((HUGS)))

[dizietsma]

Yeah, she's a smart and brave lady. I have a lot of respect for her.

[KayHarkerDoesNotSimper]

Thanks for those links, I've tried to investigate whether anyone else came out of this stuff at all before now and didn't come up with anything.

Sorry everyone, I was very drunk last night, and got a bit emotional.

[mrspnut]

Ring your local women's aid tomorrow, they will listen to you, believe you, give you advice and above all not pressure you to do anything you don't want to do.

If you'd like to CAT me, I can give you the number for your local WA group or you can search on the main women's aid website. The workers can still work with you whilst you are living with your partner and will support what ever you decide to do.