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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need advice, friend says I couldn't possibly be being abused...

72 replies

KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 15:46

OK, I need some advice and perspective.

Some of you know what's been going on with my marriage recently. Well, I never did phone WA, and I spoke to a RL friend instead. I explained to her that he'd grabbed me and shaken me angrily more than once in our marriage.

He's lovely one minute and really mean the next - just last night he was sitting on the end of the bed telling me I was lazy and didn't do anything and the kids are copying me, and then this morning he's all helpful and wants me to go to the GP (for depression) where a few weeks ago he was really against it. He keeps me up late to 'talk things over', even though he knows I'll be really tired, and when I say I want to go to sleep, he gets really cross about me 'refusing to talk' and face up to my issues blah blah blah.
When I go to bed early to try and off-set this, I can hear him downstairs, stomping about and just feel really scared.

I explained some of this to my friend, and she told me that she couldn't really believe that I was facing any abuse because I was such a gobby woman anyway, and I gave as good as I got with my mouth. She basically said that when he tells me I'm pushing his buttons that I am, and need to stop and then everything will be fine. She said loads of couples wind each other up to the point of one shaking the other, and it really wasn't a big deal.

I've been trying to pluck up the courage to phone WA again, but I'm hearing her and thinking that they're just going to tell me the same sort of thing. So am I being a drama queen? Should I just stop being selfish and get on with it?

OP posts:

Report

FabulousBakerGirl · 16/05/2009 18:08

When my ex hit me - can't even remember why - I ended up apologising to him as I just wanted to go back to how things were before. I must have also felt like it was my fault.

I lived with him so secretly got myself sorted with a live in job and went.

Stupid girl that I was (19yrs old) I did see him for a bit after that but after a few weeks I just stopped calling him. I knew no one and he was better than nothing imo. Obviously he wasn't.

KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 21:29

Yes, I've been apologizing to him a lot recently, too.

Right o, thanks everyone, sorry for not getting back to this earlier. I'll screw up my courage to phone WA again (couldn't get through last time).

Oh, hold on, I'll go find my other threads to give context for those who asked.

OP posts:

procrastinatingparent · 16/05/2009 21:33

Just seen this, Kay.

Ring WA. I do think that someone who doesn't know both of you is probably better placed to advise you, funnily enough. We are all so plausible to those outside our immediate circle, which is how abuse happens.

KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 21:37

Here and this one I started under another name.

FWIW, I think with my friend, it's more that she has an idea in her head of what an abused woman is. She's single, so she's not on the receiving end (at least I flaming well hope not!)

OP posts:

procrastinatingparent · 16/05/2009 21:54

Are you eating ok? Do you feel like you are in a better place to be able to think things through? Can you ring WA tonight?

BitOfFun · 16/05/2009 21:57

Sorry Kay, only just seen this. Your "friend" is talking out of her arse my love.

KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 22:07

Can't phone them tonight, no, he's here. And he's put the fucking eurovision on too.

I have had a glass or three of red wine, and am coping rather well...

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 16/05/2009 22:12

< chinks glasses >

Tomorrow is another day darling

toomanystuffedbears · 16/05/2009 22:32

I agree with Attila, BitofFun and others. He is clearly manipulating you for psychological superiority.

However in contrast to others' views: My impression of your "friend" was that she would be an abuser herself to see that the behavior was ok...not a victim, iyswim. Being dismissive of your serious circumstances gave her authority-thus a sense of power over you, a confederate of your [dear-cough]h.

Does he ever ask you, "Are you sure?" about anything? That was a tool an xdp used on me years ago. My son started it when he was 10 or 11 yr old and I set him straight quick enough.

procrastinatingparent · 16/05/2009 22:34

KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 22:38

he says 'I think you might want to think about that' a lot.

I say 'Oh, for fucks sake you twat, bog off' a lot, but usually under my breath when he's ;eft then room/put the phone down.

(I am very much under the influence now, if I appear flippant)

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GypsyMoth · 16/05/2009 22:46

Kay, throw a few rotten tomatoes at him!! If you've any left that is!!!!

BitOfFun · 16/05/2009 22:47

I used to flick the vees at my ex a lot when he left the room, Kay...very immature, but deeply satisfying

Leaving him and his emotional/sexual abuse was the BEST thing I ever did, and I am a million times happier now with a fantastic partner. Two kids, one with severe special needs, and two failed relationships under my belt, and I thought it was Game Over, but not at all...

KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 22:51

IloveTIFFANY

I think, in my inebriated state, that I can say I amterrified of what would happen to me if I left. Four kids, on my own, when I can barely cope with them when he's around to begrudgingly help. It's terrifying idea.

I have no qualifications, I left uni to look after my dying mother.

OP posts:

KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 22:53

farking arse, it's like something from Dickens. I should change my name to Maude Twistlefwap or something.

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fryalot · 16/05/2009 22:53

Just wanted to add my voice to that of all the others on here.

What he is doing is manipulative, abusive and intimidating and most of all, it is wrong

I have been in an abusive relationship and what you describe is exactly the pattern that it follows. My ex used to feel "undermined" by my "smart mouth" and that was one of the reasons that he tried to control everything about my life.

Your H is like this because you a strong and "bolshie" woman, he is too much of a coward to be able to interact with you one on one and therefore tries to put you down and intimidate you into agreeing with him.

When you have left him and found someone decent and non-abusive, you will realise that strong and bolshie are qualities much admired and sought after by real men.

Good luck, make that call.

xx

GypsyMoth · 16/05/2009 22:55

Hey, kay. I left with 4 kids in tow. It CAN be done!! And I'm still faffing around with my ou degree. It can be done!!
Believe me. I now have a FIFTH child........ With someone new. Don't you think you're worth more than this ( have just read your other threads) ?? Cos I do !!

GypsyMoth · 16/05/2009 22:55

Hey, kay. I left with 4 kids in tow. It CAN be done!! And I'm still faffing around with my ou degree. It can be done!!
Believe me. I now have a FIFTH child........ With someone new. Don't you think you're worth more than this ( have just read your other threads) ?? Cos I do !!

BitOfFun · 16/05/2009 22:56

Loving Maude Twistlefwap though, ROFL...good advice Squonk

FabulousBakerGirl · 16/05/2009 22:57

You would be fine with the chidren on your own.

He wouldn't be sapping your strength so you would have it to look after your kids.

Please don't spend your life with a bully.

tattifer · 16/05/2009 23:01

"not all abuse leaves a visible mark"

Absolutely true. Phone WA, they will not tell you anything like what your friend had said. Have a look at their website and you will see a list of the forms abuse can take - you may well find that that you can answer yes to many of them. One is enough.

KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 23:03

I don't know that I would, though, you know. He told me tonight that I'm a bad mother just like mine was. She suffered from manic depression and beat the living shit out of me. I don't hit them, but I am so scared that he's right and I'm becoming her.

OP posts:

FabulousBakerGirl · 16/05/2009 23:04

FGS just kick him out

tattifer · 16/05/2009 23:04

It's called emotional abuse. It's designed to undermine and destroy any confidence you may have remaining.

fryalot · 16/05/2009 23:06

He knows your weak spots, that's all.

He's using more tactics to make you think that you can't live without him. You are a good mum, you know you are and this is another symptom of his abuse.

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