Anyone else feel they have lost their way since having children?

[dingledangle]

I have two beautiful children, the eldest coming up for 4. Prior to having kids I was an opinionated, career minded individual. However 4 years later after being a SAHM I feel like I have lost my way a bit!

I have a uni degree, MA and have done several work related courses whilst I have been on a 'career break'.

But I suppose the reason I am posting this is I feel I have lost my way. My close friends no longer feel that close. They don't have kids or have grown up kids and do not live that close by. I have hardly any time alone with partner and I suppose I am wondering what to do about returning to work.

I am in a very fortunate position in that I do not need to work at present. However, this does not stop me feeling that I am lost in the world of babies, preschoolers etc and need to be considering something more. Both for my benefit to contribute to income and be a positive role model for my children.
I have met up with several parents at the nursery my DC attends. But these relationships are very new.

Does anyone else feel like this? Or had felt like this and come through the other side.

I am not wanting to wallow but try and find positive ways of moving forward!

[poshsinglemum]

I can identify with this. I was a teacher and suddenly I'm a mum. I went straight into beinbg a single mum and it's having this ''label'' that I have found it most hard to come to terms with. I am beginning to feel that even my mum friends don't or can't associate with me as I'm not married. It's a wierd feeling. A kind of limbo. I'm determined to return to work to regain my sense of self and to stop me dwelling on stuff. that's the problem with me being a full time mum. I have too much time to dwell and go on mumsnet!

[chunkalulu]

Yes agree with dingledangle on trying to live in the here and now being the way forward for sake of sanity.

Our children are such a joy and it is a total privilege to spend so much time with them and watch them grow.

But of course its hard to bear that in mind when you are involved in a daily round of scraping custard/poo/sick off the carpet/sofa/cat ( delete as applicable!)

And when the rest of the universe i.e - the world of work where we used to belong - seems to think we are having such an easy time of it, or have had total lobotomy since having kids!

[kettlechip]

dingledangle, sometimes it takes raising the subject in conversation with people at playgroups etc to get them to open up. Easier said than done when you're in a hall full of screeching toddlers.

If I do get chance I actually find it refreshing to be open about how difficult I find it, mainly because I'm fairly aware (from what others have said) that I give the impression that I'm coping well.

Virtually everyone I know has admitted to struggling at some point. I'm always highly suspicious of anyone who thinks it's easy to juggle everything. It really isn't if you're trying to do it all properly imo!

[elastamum]

I can really relate to this. I gave up my high powered job when I had my babies to support my husband building a business. after 10 years of playing a supportive role and bringing up our kids I felt I had lost my way. This year I find my self single - he left us and back into the world of work again in a challenging job (but on a fraction of my previous earnings ) Life is really hard, I have a 3 hour round trip to the office, but I finally feel back in touch with the real me. I was pitching to a client in europe last week and I realised that I was back doing something that I loved and I was good at!! And i am supporting my family. I think I am spared the guilt at being around less as I dont have the choice anyway at present and I am starting to feel my self esteem returning

[MrsPurple]

OMG I'm not abnormal. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I echo everyone else re high powered job etc.

I love my DD to bits but my youngest starts full time school in September and I was getting so panicky wondering what I would do.

I actually found myself a job (within my previuos profession), around current child care arrangements, (so I drop off and pick up DD1 fromj school and DD2 from pre-school and nursery).

It's bloody scary though, as this morning DD2 had tantrum and I was going to be late (only on 3rd day), felt like my head was going to explode with trying to do everything (and being pulled in all directions).

But I coped (after long telephone call to DH as I was very upset and stressed). Had quite a good day in the end, because when I got to work too busy to mull over mornings events like I would have done previuosly.

It's also making me feel like I am getting my life back on track.

[NatLex]

Hello ladies

Very good thread and thank you for all your honesty. I really applaud it, as I strongly believe, women are not honest enough in real life how horrendously hard being a mum can be.
Well, I, to put it bluntly, hated the whole baby stage and was very depressed for the whole of first year. I totally lost my confidence, my drive, I didn't know who I was anymore, previously being very strong, focused, driven career woman. To be, it was the biggest shock after having a baby. I never thought I would get myself back, never!
Well, I went back to work full-time, was desperate to do that and couldn't wait, but hey, now I am feeling the opposite :O)
After my son turned one, I started to feel better and I now can finally say for the first time that IT IS GREAT. I couldn't say any of that before when people asked me is it all worth it? I couldn't say yes.
I have been in full-time job for 6 months, in my profession and now desperate to have a bit more time at home, with my son. I found being away from him completely is kind of pointless even though he is very happy in nursery.
I now find that career is not that important and I guess what I really am trying to say is that it would be better to have that BALANCE between work and home. I would love to go part-time, so Ic ould have more time for my son, for the home and also may be do something, I couldn't do working full-time, like study.
Well, the problem is finding it and it is an eternal problem, but I am trying, so will see.

[Balthamos]

I only have one DC, but it is hard because we are very far from family and all of our long term friends (we moved a long way from home a few weeks before I gave birth). DP has a great job, so we are lucky that we have no financial concerns but he travels roughly ten days per month and works hideous hours which leaves lots for me. I get very, very tired doing so much on my own without any help and at times, I feel spectacularly lonely. There are times that I have felt more tired, lonely and isolated than I ever knew possible.

I am so relieved to read so many of you talking about the crushing monotony of being a SAHM. Sometimes it is hellishly boring. There are times when I never want to build another tower again and want to throw the damn Lego out the window! Sometimes I think I will combust if I have to push the swing again. It makes me feel so selfish.

However, the love I feel for my DD and her joy over life, seeing her learning and growing all day every day, is a gift that I am privileged to have and I don?t want to give it up. I have seen every first and celebrated them with her. So although I am half heartedly looking for a FT job, in reality, I truly think my DD benefits from having me at home with her .

I wouldn't miss this time for the world. The world of work is ALWAYS going to be there. My high powered, city focussed job was totally meaningless in the grand scheme of things, whereas bringing up a little person is totally meaningful and genuinely matters. I sleep easier at night and think I am a better human being for not being caught up in my old ego driven quest for career advancement. Lets face it, when I die will I care about the company share price, or will I care about the fact that I helped make my DD?s childhood better? (I think it helps that my old career contributed nothing positive to humanity apart from financial gain )

My feelings are not always this clarified though. There are days when I cry for my lost career, I literally grieve for 'what could have been?. If I am honest, I miss the status. I miss the international business class travel and I miss being 'somebody' .

The confusion and grief I feel over this is massive and I feel like I have suffered some kind of depression coming to terms with this loss. I don't know who I am in the world anymore without my old status but at the same time, I don't want to be anywhere else.

This is not helped because I feel totally undervalued in my role as SAHM. I think on the whole our culture places no value on SAHMs. As a SAHM, I somehow feel 'outside' of mainstream society.

[poshsinglemum]

I am still grieving my freedom and the woman I was. I took so much for granted before dd and now I feel guilty because all I want to do is go out with my mates for a night and have a laugh.

[Timbuktu]

poshsinglemum - just wanted to say I seem to have come across quite a few of your posts recently and agreed with them, I think we are in very similiar positions!

I'm a single mum to my dd and I feel very stigmatised by this. I sometimes avoid telling new people that I meet that I am a single mum, because I feel that some do back away after hearing that. People that I know who are married can be lovely when by themselves, but if they are with their husband avoid me! Very strange because I am sooooo not the type of person who would ever flirt or act inappropriately with them. I'm desperate to get back to work and with dd starting pre-school in the autumn I feel that life may start to have some other meaning to it, other than being dd's mother. I think that's important and I agree with another poster who said that you feel your time with your child is all quantity rather than quality.

I used to have a pretty wild social life and spent years travelling round Africa and working in New York etc and it's been a real grieving period over the last few years getting over this lost freedom.

[Bumperlicioso]

Hello all

I can really identify with a lot of what you are feeling. I wasn't very good at the baby stage, I feel unmotivated a lot of the time and just have this thought that there is something out there for me but I'm not sure what.

But unfortunately for me, going back to work hasn't been the panacea I thought it would be. My already low confidence was knocked even further by going back, struggling with having been away for a year, struggling with adapting to part time working and struggling with colleagues who don't understand. I feel like I am doing a crap job at work, a crap job at home, can't keep up with the housework, and am losing touch with the mummy friends I made on maternity leave as we all work different hours.

I don't know where to go from here really.

[warthog]

another upset mum here.

i have 2 kids, gave up a fabulous job, good wage and am a sahm. used to have loads of fantastic hobbies that i've had to give up and i just feel EMPTY.

add sleep deprivation onto that and a dh that doesn't help at night, or when he does expects a medal. i'm permanently angry and tired and pissed off at how crap i feel.

he wants another dc and i feel like castrating him. i feel like i'm the one that makes all the sacrifices.

yet i live in a nice house, in a nice area living what most people would think is a fabulous life.

so why the hell am i so damn sick of it all??

[mrswill]

Good and interesting thread. I can definately relate to some of the comments. I cant say i was ever really career focused if im honest with myself, apart from a stint after uni, but i had lots of 'me' time and money. Lots of pondering on what 'I' wanted, an amazing social life, money to fritter away on silk dresses and visits to restaurants, parties etc. I was a bit of a wildchild before kids, so my life now is completely different. Motherhood is more relentless than what i imagined, and tiring. I get a lot of fulfillment from dd, but sometimes after no time to myself all day, i just long for five minutes to myself for a quiet cup of tea, instead of having to do things for other people (dd and dh]. Im not sure who i am anymore, as i dont get the time to think about it! When i look back at photos, i cant believe i used to live as i did, and how much i didnt appreciate it. Saying that, im a lot happier than i ever was then, just a lot more tired. Ive gone back part time, only two days a week, and i feel its a break, as well as being interesting. I still have all my old friends, half who have kids now, but apart from very close friends, i dont have the energy to keep up with everyone. I still have plans for what i want to do in the future, an thats what gets me through the milionth viewing of peppa pig.

[poshsinglemum]

Timbuktu- nice to meet you! I am so grieving my freedom as I have said before but at the same time I wouldn't be without dd. It's a real conflict isn't it?

[BettyFriedan]

I'm really interested having read this thread. DD is 4.5 months and so far I've found it ok; she is small sleeps fairly well and not yet mobile (so relatively easy)! But I am trying to think about what happens next year when the maternity leave runs out. I have a three-day a week job but they are long days - usually 9 to 7.30/8 (and can stretch til 9pm).
I have been thinking it will be impossible to do this with DD and trying to think about freelancing or retraining, but now I am worried if I don't go back then I will end up regretting it from what people have been saying. What would you do?

[starmucks]

Reading through all the messages here it seems that some loss of identity is inevitable regardless of whether you're a SAHM or working. Before the birth of my DS (now 2 5m) I never left that my work defined me in any way, although I have always found it incredibly interesting. That said, I was okay about going back after 6 month mat leave because I knew there was the option not to. Now I am having DC2 in four weeks and am not sure that I will be going back. Like some of the other posters I feel that I'm doing an average job on both fronts - but maybe that's normal.

[Balthamos]

BettyF, only you know what is right for you and your DD, but for the record, I don't regret not going back to work and would make the same choice again.

For the most part, I love the fact that I am at home with DD all the time - I wouldn't trade in the time we have had together for anything. This however, does not negate the problems and difficulties I mention in my earlier post! Hence why I am pretty conflicted and sometimes confused!

Good luck in whatever choice you make .

Starmucks, I agree. I always remember the great piece of advice I was given when I fell pregnant, I was told never to judge another mother on her choices because whether she works FT, PT or is a SAHM, invariably she will have agonised over her decision and sacrificed something along the way. None of our decisions are easy ones.

[porcupine11]

I was trying to explain how I felt to my DH, then I came across this thread which says it perfectly. I have lost my way.

I'm due to return to work in September. I feel very restless after 9 months of maternity leave, and I'm ready for a change. At the same time I feel completely apathetic about going back to work. Before DS I was so ambitious, and defined myself through my academic and career success. Now, although I'm fascinated by my baby and take a great satisfaction in looking after him, and it's the hardest work and longest hours I've ever done, I guess I feel like ANYONE can be a mum so I'm no longer special in any way.

I also feel that I'm stuck in career stasis until I've finished having children (I'd love to have 2 more), as I can't see any major promotions or job moves on the horizon if I'm working p/t and (fingers crossed) getting pregnant again soon. I blogged about this in quite a light-hearted way, but actually feeling rather gloomy at the moment. I've realised I'm in the wrong industry and need a major life change at the exact moment all the opportunities and freedom have disappeared.

[bohemianbint]

Me me. Can't afford to work and going slowly barking. DOn't see how I'll ever get back into work either.

[squilly]

I went back to work when dd was just 14 weeks old and suffered a complete crisis of who I was a few months after. I felt like I was failing as a mum and as an employee. I finally regained some element of who I am when I rearranged my working days (daft buggers got me a job share with someone who wouldn't work Mondays and Fridays, so I worked Mondays, Tuesday mornings and Fridays...can't recommend it!).

That sorted out some of the kinks and I managed fine for a few years, but after last mc I decided to take some time off. Started a career break (ie company kept my job open) when dd started school. Have since done lots of volunteering for school and have just joined the temporary supply register for them as a teaching assistant. That meant I had to give the job up, but having kids has actually made me realise where my heart lies. I've never felt so happy at work.

Only took me 44 years to find out what I really wanted to do

[screamingabdab]

Another one identifying with this thread. To go back to the OP, yes I do feel I lost my way there for a bit. I didn't really feel like "myself" again until both DSs were in school. It was a feeling of suddenly having my head above the water again.

I became a SAHM more by default than by design. The job I was in at the time was too poorly paid and stressful, and motherhood too overwhelming for me to consider going back to it. Prior to that job, I had worked in a professional career but was suffering burn-out and depression SO, I never really felt that my career "got anywhere" before having kids.

I often suffered niggling feelings that I "should" be working, but now I don't regret it, because I got to devote my energies full time to one thing. In answer to Betty, though, I'd say that the happiest mums I know are those who work part-time in a job they LOVE, that is not too stressful and is sympathic to their needs as mums.

I am happier now than I have ever been - I started doing voluntary work about a year ago, and am learning new skills, regaining confidence, and seeing what an asset I could be, now I have all this mothering under my belt.

I would really like to get a part-time job now. My DSs are at a lovely age, and my DH and I have more energy to devote to keeping out relationship strong.

Good luck to all of us !! xx

[screamingabdab]

Freudian slip : "Keeping our relationship strong"

[screamingabdab]

dingledangle I have been very fortunate to live in an are with lots of like-minded people. My friendships have really developed, again, since the DSs went to school.

I also have made some "young" friends at work

[foxinsocks]

I wanted to make the point that going back to work doesn't necessarily fix all those feelings.

I think it can but it's more than just work. It's something to do with feeling fulfilled but I'm guessing it's different for everyone.

[screamingabdab]

foxinsocks I agree. I think I would have been a basket case at work!

[Ravgirl]

I'm reading this thread whilst only 15 wks pregnant with my first baby. I have to say I'm worrying about the issues you are discussing already! I want to go back to work after about 6 months (I'm a pharmacy manager for a pharmaceutical company and love my job), my MIL is already sticking her two penneth in about how I should be a SAHM and give up my career. I feel a bit aggrieved at her attitude and a bit pissed off to be honest as I studied for 5 years for my first degree, then did a masters and only 3 yrs ago finished my MBA and I don't want to feel that all of this effort is wasted. I love kids and am delighted to be pregnant with a very much longed for baby but I just don't think it's fair that some people consider that I should choose between career or motherhood. The upside is I have an extremely supportive partner who says I should do what is right for me and my parents are the same but how do I tell my MIL to butt out without causing family issues?