Dreadfully unable to cope and be normal about what's happened and I'm ashamed of that but nevertheless I'm prepared to make a twonk of myself here again just for some support, please

[hobbgoblin]

I have not not taken on board what you have all said about what I need to do and I will do that but I need to be indulged right now.

I want someone to say my dp will be back. I'm kind of hungry for that promise, iyswim. Doesn't mean I'm well aware that nobody can promise that and that him coming back is not what I should be wanting. I am TOTALLY aware of that.

However, in the past he has always come back. Just for the sake of making me feel better today so I'm a bit stronger tomorrow can you help me answer that question? That is; "is he just angry and when he calms down he will come back?"

This is utterly pathetic but the fear of him never returning is in danger of making me give up everything. When we've talked over the last 48 hours, if he seems like he is unsure then it enables me to be bright enough to eat or wash up. It really helps me not feel so scared that I've lost all my happiness. Obviously totally unhealhty methodology I'm using.

I asked if that's it for ever and he said "i don't want us to live together" so then I said "i'm not asking that, I'm asking if that's it for ever" and he said "I think so"

I just don't get why he left it was all going really well and he just got cold feet, except he isn't even saying that, he is saying he was sick of the confrontation - thwere was none! What idiot who claims to be sick of the confrontation is trying to book a holiday for us and being all cuddly and lovely 2 days before? What the hell is he on?

[MmeLindt]

I have not followed all your threads, Hobbgoblin but based on what you have written on this one, I think that he will be back. What you probably do not want to hear is that he will go again.

For him to go from being a loving and caring partner to leaving you in the lurch sounds more like an adolescent than a mature man.

I really hope that you find the strength (and you have a lot more of that than you think, you have proved that by backing off from the abortion) to kick this pathetic man out of your life.

[what2donow]

I really love solidgolds posts too, & thats not just because she summed up exactly what a tosser my ex is (& he really is) on another thread

Hobb, I do think he will be back. Generally they all do come back in the end. However, it may be a while. And by then [whispers, cos you probably don't want to hear this now] hopefully you won't want him.

I can totally understand you not wanting to think thats it. I've struggled enough in my own situation, and thats without being pregnant. I think you are doing incredibly well tbh. I would be in a lake of tears by now (but then I wept a good bucketful just watching Dr Who last night! )

[PerArduaAdNauseum]

Hobb, am so glad you're working this one through. Yes, you're better without him because soon enough you'll have a newborn, and that's going to be quite enough without the 44yo child as well...

And if you do namechange, CAT me, 'cos I've promised you a couple of baby beanies and I fully intend to follow through

[hobbgoblin]

I love you all, and your gutsiness-giving loveliness. Solid just has a way. Can I send you his nuts for your bowl at xmas?

[ditzzy]

I vote for him coming back and the day he gets there you take one look at him and see him for the little worm he really is. And by that time you'll be strong enough to turn him straight round and out the door

p.s. I love solidgold's posts too. They always make me feel I can stand up to anyone, even when its not me they're aimed at!!

[hobbgoblin]

I love your posts solidgold, they are always sympathetically man-bollock crushing

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

Never mind Relate, love, get some ball-biting feminism in your life - and some empowering self-esteem boosting stuff (of which hopefully there is plenty on MN). It's so much better to be alone than to be dependent on a prick like him.

[hobbgoblin]

Thanks, true about lying to myself. Or wishing stupid stuff.

One of the reasons for not going to friends is that they will say what I know but don't want to hear today, that I'll be better off without him in the end.

It's all very well knowing that but I just want the evenings I was having last week. We'd be clearing up after feeding the DC now and looking forward to chilling on the sofa and then snuggling up in bed.

I miss my kiss in the morning and us feeling for the baby's kicks together. All that stuff.

So, Hecate it would make me happier than I am now but not long term.

He has refused to go to Relate and now doesn't want to be involved with the baby.

[prettyfly1]

please please dont feel humiliated. If your relationship is ending, what you are feeling is normal. The pain can be unbearable regardless of their behaviour and sometimes you have to lie to yourself to make it easier to get through each day. Been there. That said he sounds like a fuckwit. Just hang in there.

[BitOfsexyFunbutnotupthebum]

I haven't seen your other thread yet, but it sounds to me in this one that you want desperately not to feel so rejected, that you are worth more than this treatment. And you are worth more than this. In fact, what you are worth is a good relationship with a mature adult who can treat you with love, dignity and respect...unfortunately, it doesn't sound like that's on the table from this individual. But the reasons for that lie with him, not you.

I'm sorry I can't link, as I'm on my phone (while my little girl is in the bath [bad mummy emoticon] and i'm not paying her much attention!), but could you go and look for RealityIsMyOnlyValentine's thread today? I think it was called Listen Up, or similar. That should give you an idea of what can lie ahead once you have got your head round things- i.e. Better Stuff You Do Deserve !

So sorry things are tough right now x

[Greyclay]

HG - it is not your fault that the man couldn't get his S$%T together. That wasn't your responsibility, it was his.

Moreover, there is a very good chance that he is incapable of change, had no intentions of changing, and initially told you wanted to hear so that he could become involved with you. Instant gratification for his needs. Good thing that a later stage of grief is anger. I have a feeling that you are going to be feeling quite a bit of that emotion eventually.

[HecateQueenOfGhosts]

Oh, sorry, forgot to vote I think he will but I hope he won't (or you won't answer the door!)

[HecateQueenOfGhosts]

Will him being back under your roof make you happy? Is that what you want? Just his presence in your house? If he comes back today and picks up where he left off, would you be pleased? I mean really, if you're honest? It doesn't matter how he treats you, as long as he doesn't leave you? That must feel awful for you.

I know it's hard, it must feel dreadful, but if it just ends now then in the future you may well look back and feel it was all for the best. I hope so.

[hobbgoblin]

Ok thanks for the very speedy and good replies. Am goign to try and not mope over the keyboard for a while and bath DC but the voting on will he/won't he be back is a bit stupidly comforting so please post if you have an opinion.

Will name change after this because I will die reading this back at some point.

[hobbgoblin]

I know that he will put every other woman he ever meets and has a relationship with through the same. He doesn't see it but I know he knows it and I know he knows I have been extremely tolerant. No idiot really believes the next woman will put up with the same crap forever. I guess that's why they come back to the one who is putting up with it now.

I think I hold the belief that the resolution comes in the person who is behaving badly realsiing for themselves that they are and doing something independently about it. This was the deal when we decided to give it a go. He told me what he felt he was doing wrong and made a good start about seriosuly actingn on change. I guess it's very hard to break old habits.

I feel it's such a shame for us both because we both wanted to be a success, he just didn't have the strength to change and has reverted to blame mode. There was a lot of good but the bad stuff had to be gone for it to be okay.

[hobbgoblin]

The money is due to divorce and business partnership stuff mixed up with that. It wasn't his fault and he hasn't not fought to keep his head above water or begged or borrowed at all. He has just worked and worked and worked to save things. I'm not saying the divorce wasn't his fault. God knows. But the bitterness over it has cost both him and ex wife a lot of money. She's lost just as much. Just a sad reality, lining the barrister's and solicitors' pockets.

He won't be borrowing from me as I've got nothing to give.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Some men also have in built radar to target an emotionally vulnerable women in order to take advantage off.

[Beantin]

Let's hope he doesn't come back. For the sake of your children, find someone who makes you happy and will be a stable, good role model and influence for the children. As a child of divorced parents, am soooo glad my mum did.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"The more I've resisted in the past the keener he's been".

Some men only like the thrill of the chase and when their victim is enmeshed in their web of deceit they then get bored and back off. This behaviour is yet another way of making you dependent on him.

[Ivykaty44]

Well I will tell you this:

If you leave him alone, don't call, dont answer his calls until he has rung three times, be ovasive about what you have been doing and what you are doing. I will tell you that he will then be all over you like a rash.

Is that really what you want though to play games? Do you really want him to keep coming and going and not really living?

I have read your posts, yes I do know where to some degree you are - I didn't wever ever let him come back it would have done my bloody head in. Did he want to come back - yes. When the baby was born we had tears and pleading.

Am I glad he never came back - oh yes. Is he still messing around - oh yes. But not me he is messing around and not wife 2 he is messing around its wife 3 now that has to put up with his messing around......

So ok different woman but same game

[hobbgoblin]

Low self esteem women need to be wanted and not rejected. It's not a power trip to say that, it's reality when rejection equals self loathing.

Who needs self loathing when they're grieving too?

I can't tell you the level of denial I have. Let's say it's extreme. I want to turn back the clock.

Thanks though, that's one yes: one no

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He may in tim eask you for yet another chance but there will be conditions attached.

You are in sole charge of your own happiness, you cannot become dependent on another person to provide this for you.

How did he manage to lose 50K anyway?.

[MorrisZapp]

This has got bad news written all over it. Why should you have to wait for somebody to decide over and over again if they want to be with you?

Confused my arse. It isn't a hard decision you're asking him to make.

I know you want us to say it'll be ok and he will come back and be lovely but even if he does, look at the bigger picture here. This is no way to treat the mother of your children.

Sorry it's making you so sad.

[hobbgoblin]

I know, I actually do know that he's not worth it. Just don't believe in my coping to the other side of this right now so to have the cosyness of the choice either way would help a bit.

At what point do men like this who heap the blame on the wronged party give up?

The more I've resisted in the past the keener he's been.

Fecking cliche

[Greyclay]

I'm sorry as I also don't know the background of this but Hobbgoblin, in even the very most general of terms, you cannot put your life's happiness and self-worth in someone else's hands. He does not control these things, you do.

Also, I know this sounds strange to reiterate but you say that you live in fear of him never coming back...dearest, he IS gone. His actions should tell you that he is not coming back. I say this to you with the utmost empathy and gentleness. From what I can tell, you are in the first stages of grief which involve a hell of a lot of confusion, bewilderment and general denial.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You will be ok, I promise. You have lots of help here.