Have I blown it?

[whysoworried]

Have been seeing a lovely man for almost a year (can it really be that long?)

Took it v slowly to begin with, both have children and other issues that made "getting involved" a bit difficult, but we became good friends and have enjoyed the time spent together, although has been only about 1-2 eves a fortnight and I never really thought about it getting serious.

That all probably sounds a bit weird, but it's suited both of us because of where we are in our lives atm. We haven't slept together.

Anyway, he works c. 1.5 hrs drive from home. Drove into work this morning, but snow and roads here have been getting worse all day. About 4.30 I texted him to ask if he'd be leaving soon, but he said he'd got lots to do and would be staying very late.

I, very irrationally, instigated our first row - about how he was enjoying having me worried, how he was inconsiderate not to take more care etc.....

He was very nice about it, apologised, said he didn't realise I would worry, that it was lovely that I had etc and that he would make arrangements to stay near work tonight and not drive at all.

So I should be happy shouldn't I? I can't help thinking that I've come over much more needy and naggy than I ever intended to. Also scared myself to realise just how worried about him I was.

[bodiddly]

I think it is nice that he reacted so rationally and was pleased you were worried about him. Most men I know would tell you not to be so stupid or overreact ... sounds like you have found a good one and maybe it takes something like this to make you realise that he means more to you than you envisaged!

[whysoworried]

Thanks bo - yes, but I've really done it today!!

When we finished on the phone yesterday he said he would call me today, as he loved to hear my voice, all got a bit soppy TBH. Usually calls while Dcs are at school so we can have a chat without interruptions (yes I know my DCs should be better behaved )

Anyway 3:10pm I get a text saying is it still OK to call, or too late? and I completely lost it with him, along the lines of if you wanted to talk to me as much as you said you did, you'd have made sure you called when we could talk properly. He had a very good excuse about why he couldn't have called earlier and sounded genuinely distraught at having upset me again.

Can't believe I've gone for so long being very laid back and "we'll meet up when we can" to so clingy and needy almost overnight. I'll find out what he's made of now I suppose

[piratecat]

surely subconciously this is your inner feelings coming out, like .next stage or bust?

you have been holding back due to your issues, and now you have to both let go, and trust a bit more, talk a bit more, and make more of a commitment??

[TottWriter]

I think you need to calm down a bit. It sonds like things have been going well so far, so I don't think one argument will shatter things completely. Every relationshios has to have its first fight.

Possibly you are particularly worried because things have gone wrong before? Well don't be afraid to tell him that. If you have irrational fears that things will go wrong from one argument, you need to tell him that when you see him, so that he knows the whole story. (I had a similar conversation with my partner over issues with my parent's divorce)

Don't forget that he knows you as well as you know him. If you fret about things, don't imagine he doesn't know that. You learn a lot about soeone in a year, and he probably realises that you were worried about him. Have a nice meal when you see him, and talk it over now that you've both calmed down. It's the best way to stop yourself having the same argument again.

[bodiddly]

I agree with what others have said .. I definitely think you need to open up to him .. doesn't matter if you show your vulnerability .. in fact it will probably help him understand the way you are reacting better.  He sounds pretty sensitive so will no doubt see where you are coming from.  If you aren't able to do it face to face then try putting it down in writing/email.  I recognise in myself your reaction from a past relationship - I think it is fairly usual.  You have probably been trying to convince yourself that this isn't as serious as it is in reality.  My current relationship has only survived as I decided from the start that I had to be "all in" and that I had nothing to lose by speaking my mind.  I decided not to play any games or ignore issues ... so far dealing with things head on has definitely helped!

[bodiddly]

have you heard from him?

[sparklet]

Only just come to this thread but had to say something because I can so relate to it. I've been with my man for nearly a year, we see eachother every fortnight as well because he lives nearly 4 hours away and both have kids. It does suit us to a degree because of our responsibilities but it can be very painful because we miss eachother so much and we hope to be together sometime in the future.

I agree with the others that you need to acknowledge how you feel about him; he obviously feels very strongly about you and sounds lovely. You have over-reacted but only because you really care about him and probably like me, you worry about him because you're so far apart. Just talk to him calmly and try and trust him - it does take courage and patience and I still have huge wobbles but we've got through quite a few hurdles so far. The last one was just this week when I told him he didn't call me enough - I like daily contact because of the distance - but he seems to have taken it on board. Good luck with what seems to be a lovely relationship.