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Anxious about change of roles and asking for advice

10 replies

pamelat · 28/01/2009 20:05

I have been on maternity leave for 14 months and I go back on Monday, part time. I have mixed feelings about this but I previously liked my job so I should hopefully be ok. I will miss DD a lot but I am aware that this is something that I have to do.

DH lost his job at Christmas. This month we have been off together looking after DD. We have had a lot of squabbles over how to look after her as I find him critical and he finds me controlling (we both accept we can be these things and things are ok.

DH is desperately looking for a job. He earns more than me and we can not pay the mortgage on my salary for very long.

DD was due to start nursery but we have suspended her place until DH finds work (we cant afford to pay when he is not working)

SO ... DH is going to be doing Mon - Weds childcare and I will be the one working.

My working day is faily short 8am-4pm with half an hour travel each side, but my job can be fairly stressful. I am a bit worried about how we will both cope with this sudden (enforced) change of role.

DH is already "joking" about how things will be much better on his shift he says that the house will be clean, nice food made and DD entertained (which I take personally/critically, but I know he is making light of what may be a stressful situation to try to make things easier for both of us)

So, really everyone am hoping for tips to make this transition easier?

Or a job for DH?!

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N1 · 29/01/2009 03:24

I think you should give it a try. If it works, you know where you stand. If it doesn't work, the change to what you want can happen in a reasonably short space of time.

I don't think there is any easy way to make things happen, it's a case of jump and sort out as things arise.

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nooka · 29/01/2009 03:53

I think it can be a really good thing for dads to spend time looking after their children. Of course he will do things differently, you have to make a conscious effort to relax about that. My dh has had three periods of looking after the children, and I really think he enjoys it more than me. It is very nice to come home to a happy home, with the homework done (my two are now 8 and 9) the house clean and supper on the table. When the children were little it also really helped with dd and dh bonding. dd still looks back on "Daddy days" with much fondness. And if it is only for a short while, then it's the more special for your dh.

So take a deep breath, enjoy working again, and give your dh a fair bit of space to do his own thing. Good luck!

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pamelat · 29/01/2009 07:14

Thank you.

I think from a social point of view its giong to be hard for him.

DD and I are always out meeting people, those people are women and most of them have recently gone back to work. I just dont know what DH and DD will do for 3 days a week, especially as money is tight and I am worrying on his behalf about how they will entertain themselves?

Dad specific things seem to be at weekends. There is always swimming!

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NotQuiteCockney · 29/01/2009 07:41

Dads can go to toddler group and so on. The park, the swimming pool.

Do you have any friends who aren't going back to work, who can provide a friendly ear or talk to him about groups?

It sounds like you're talking openly about the situation. You're even being very relaxed and reasonable about his (slightly mean) digs about what it'll be like.

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pamelat · 29/01/2009 09:11

I feel really as there was a single dad at the library the other week who very sweetly tried to join in with me and my friends conversation, we were nice to him but then he started asking "so are you married" etc and whereas with a woman we would have maybe found it a bit direct and personal but would have answered, we actually thought he was a bit odd (and now feel bad) We did talk to him but it wasnt the same. I dont want my DH to receive that sort of "stand off-ish" reaction, but then I will just have to tell him not to ask too personal questions!!
I am sure they will be fine. Eeekkk.

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slug · 29/01/2009 09:23

DH did the stay at home daddy bit for 6 years. Initially it was a bit hard letting go, I tended to leave lunch in the fridge, instructions for the washing machine and a list of her likes and dislikes. I realised after a while that, while he didn't do it the way I would have, DD and him had a lovely time together.

He took her to the park, to museums and art galleries, to the library and, most importantly for him, to a family friendly pub where he would get some adult conversation, a pint and the paper and she would tear around being indulged by the regulars and the staff who would feed her orange juice and bits of fruit.

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pamelat · 29/01/2009 11:41

ah the pub is a good one although I dont think I need to encourage my DH to drink as he is already consuming a lot more wine than usual with the stress of the whole job situation.

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nooka · 30/01/2009 05:06

My dh never seemed to feel the need for adult company when he had dd with him. If it's only for three days a week it may not really be an issue (I worried about this too though).

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Gumbo · 30/01/2009 06:07

My DH gave up his well-paid job to be a SAHD when DS was 4.5mo, and I went back to work full time (I earned more than he did, so it made sense).

DS is now 3, and they are both absolutely thriving! DH takes DS swimming once a week, they go to farmers markets, see friends, go to a toddler group once a week and generally have a ball going grocery shopping etc.

We didn't find the transistion hard at all (although there were some moments that were a little painful, like when the separation anxiety started and DS didn't want me, just DH...)

I think as long as your DH is willing to really buy into it and sees it as something good/fun for him to do it will work. My my experrience with some SAHDs that I've met are that being forced into it (ie. losing their jobs) makes them resentful of their new role.

Personally, I would highly recommend it to anyone! Good luck!

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pamelat · 30/01/2009 12:41

Thank you everyone.

DH definately wants it to be temporary as he is the higher wage earner and I am only going back part time, so financially it would be impossible for more than 3 or 4 months. Although I could probably request full time hours again, worst case scenario.

I guess it is different only having DD for 3 days. I have been off for 14 months and had her every day (with the exception of a couple of afternoons) so I am craving adult company!

I have found him a "messy play" class that one of my antenatal friends goes to and she says that she will look after him there. He has not met her yet though so I wont force the issue! I just feel a bit guilty I guess.