help re my previous thread.

[idontlikecricket]

Did post on my original thread half an hour ago but am feeling awful so please respond.

Can't work out how to add a link to my original thread, so just copied and pasted the most relevant bit.

Ok so I am back
Just talked to my husband about our relationship etc.

Am I going mad or is this slightly insane? Since my husband is saying how terrible our marriage is, how he doesn't feel he can work on it, we are such different people, does he think we will be together if we didn't have kids etc, I told to him think about the repercussions of his actions - i.e me finding a new man, our DD getting a new stepdad. He told me to stop guilt tripping him and making everything so black and white.

I told him that I'm not - he's the one that's wanting to separate, not me. I'm not denying there's things we could have worked on, but I think marriage is about commitment and making it work and sorting out issues.

His response is that he doesn't want to work at something where ten years down the line he realises he is just as unhappy. I told him it doesn't need to be like that.

I'm confused as to where he is coming from re a separation. Does he mean separating with a view to sorting out problems and potentially making things work, or is he talking about permanent separation. His repsonse is that he doesn't think at the moment we can make anything work so he wants to separate (no commital there then).

He doesn't like it if I say that it's his choice to leave, not mine. He says "oh so it's all my fault then". If I say it is his choice to choose whether to stay and sort it out, counselling, working on it or to leave and face whatever the future may be, he doesn't like it because he says I am making it so black and white and trying to guilt trip him???? How can I be guilt tripping him by spelling out the obvious?

He's made me feel really confused and keeps telling me I am guilt tripping him. But I keep saying the guilt is his because it's his choice to walk away - we all have to make choices in life and deal with it.

I told him to grow up and face his responsibilities.

I am rapidly getting peed off by this childish viewpoint of his.He seems to think that I'm making things so easy and that I'll be happy as long as I've got my little family and "he can stuff his problems" (his words)?????

Am I going insane or is he being slightly unreasonable, I mean if you choose not to work at something and walk away, you can't tell your wife you are guilt tripping them?

Sorry I am just so tired of this bull.
goodness, thinking about it. because i have called him selfish, immature, unkind and words to the like before and I'm now being accused of guilt tripping am I a toxic person????

Also, I can get a little bit needy because he's made me feel unloved???

[ScaryFucker]

oh yes, I remember you

it sounds like you are slowly but surely moving on

yes, you still love him but you know it was for the best that you split

good on you for sticking with it and I'm sorry to see it has been so hard for you

onward and upward !

and next time you get asked out, give it a try

[CarGirl]

Well done, it sounds like you made a brave decision - one that your h never would make.

I wish you every success in the future!

[bettyboooooooooo]

Well done idontlikecricket!

Couldn't read your post and not reply. It sounds like you have come along way. You should be very proud of yourself

[idontlikecricket]

Hi there
this is a really old post, but I thought I'd update you all on this. I have been on mn since but have namechanged quite a bit due to people in RL being on here.

anyways, so 10 months on:

He has moved out, been away, come back to UK, living in his own place.

I have been here with DD. THrough the months I have been having counselling which is slowly but surely getting me there.

I have been at rock bottom - after coming back from abroad in Jan, and not dealing with things properly, really not respecting myself, I ended up with quite bad depressive episodes (still am) extreme anxiety, and totally questioning my ability as a parent, looking after my daughter, making me question all the things I really really love in life.

However, I am slowly, slowly getting back to the old me. It is a very painful experience.

H and I are still separated. I still love him, but am learning to live without him and realise that there could be/is a life for me out there without him. It's a very scary thought and for someone with anxiety problems can seem very daunting.

I have even been asked out (which I turned down as I am not ready nor interested at the moment)

There are a lot of questions being thrown up by me, which I realise I may never get to the bottom of, and anxiety doesn't help with that.

But I would like to say this is why it is so important that if you are going through an awful situation, you take care of yourself first and foremost - I put myself on the back burner for about 3 years and the extreme anxiety I went through brought me to a standstill where even life was too much. It is so vitally important to realise that you can't change someone else, you can only change how you deal with them.

And thats what I'm trying to do. Even though I would love to be married still, I realise now that there are certain things I need, want and will get. I want to be treated lovingly, looked after, and made to feel wanted, not ignored, treated with disrespect. And i have to realise that the person who I thought was able to do that, can't.

And even if he could, would I take him back in an instant? No! Too much water under the bridge and a lot of things which need to be addressed.

So there is no easy way back or forward. But I'm still here. Just.

[idontlikecricket]

I've just been on the phone to him now.

His attitude towards me is pissing me off so much.

I told him that when I get back I want him to go. Pack his bags and leave.

I can't make excuses for his behaviour anymore.

I wanted this relationship to work and told him that - but he doesn't want it to make it work. he said he's already tried but the damage is already done.

He thinks we will be miserable. i said you make your own happiness and I want it to work but I am fed up with being treated the way he treat me.

How many of you out there would be happy with their DH working full time, going out 4 nights a week plus a Saturday morning for a course, then when they are on holidays from it going away for 2 months to do charity work??????

And he thinks its not going to work and I'm the one saying it will work if we both made the effort. I'm not denying there were problems!!!

I did tell him though that I deserve better than the way he treated me and I'm going to get it.

I'm just so hurt. How long does it take for this to go?

[idontlikecricket]

Ok so I am here now with family and I am enjoying myself, sort of.

But I'm not completely relaxing. I'm getting so stressed out and worrying about DH. I can feel myself getting paranoid and irrational.

I spoke with him this eve and he seemed pretty ok. I know this time is for me to think about me. But I'm imagining all kinds of scenarios and him meeting someone else etc etc. It's making me feel wretched. I know I'm due for my period so it makes it worse (it's late as well - the flying has messed me up!)

I know I have got to stop thinking about him and put myself first, it's so hard. What if he is moving on? I think the way it was left was so very unclear and because of past history I feel so nervous, that I don't know where I'm at. He's still living in our property, I've got all that to think about.

What happens when I get back? I know I'm skipping far into the future, but I don't know how I'd cope it he moved on.

But on a more positive note, whilst I have been here, I have been exercising every other day and taking time out for me. Which has made me feel positive.

I'm kinda waiting for that attitude of "you know what...go if you think your life is so bad". That hasn't quite hit me yet. When it does, I'm sure I will feel better.

Sorry if it doesn't make sense - read first part of thread and it'll make more sense. Have also got poorly toddler on me

[idontlikecricket]

There is always room in a wardrobe for unnecessary clothing.

That's just the thing, I always got my clothes last - DD had lovely clothes, shoes etc but me - Primark!!!!! Have just started to invest in few key pieces to brighten up my wardrobe.

Since our big discussion last night he says he feels down. But it's his choice so I am gonna let him wallow in it. Time for him to mope.

[TimeForMe]

Blimey SOTR! I like your style!

[sickofthisrain]

good on you. I'm going next weekend. Have also just spent £110 on a lovely but totally unnecessary Whistles cardigan.

[TimeForMe]

Thats the spirit!!

He is just a small piece of the pie, not the whole of it. Just remember that. You have so many good things in your life and are quite capable of making good things happen for yourself without his help, permission or approval, so go for it!! Make him eat his nasty, rotten words. By the time we have finsihed with you he will regret the day he decided to let you go!!

[idontlikecricket]

thx everyone. Sotr i am going to try and get a haircut on tue - huraaaahhhhhhh.

I'm gonna go to the gym tomorrow

Time I love the suggestion. Could well do that. Especially with my lovely new hair

thx again

sotr hope all goes ok

[TimeForMe]

In fact, before you go away why don't you leave him with the "I've been thinking about everything you have said and I have finally realised you are right, we should separate. I was being rather silly thinking that DD and I needed you to make a family when in fact we we still be a family without you. I do hope we can stay friends for her sake though" cue nice smile and a bit of eye contact before you turn on your heel and walk away, leaving him with his gob open but no words coming out of it

You show him you don't need him!!

[sickofthisrain]

cricket, go off and enjoy your trip. Talk to some friends or family about what is happening. I promise it will help. CAT me anytime you like and I'll be happy to chat to you.
I've reached the stage where I don't want to spend any more time being belittled. I know I don't deserve it. Neither do you.

Can you book yourself a haircut and manicure, maybe go off to aerobics, buy a couple of new tops to wear? I've lost a few pounds due to all this stress (and being ill) and already feel a bit more confident.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

there ya go !

[TimeForMe]

Sweeheart, you are not a failure, none of this is your fault. You haven't caused your H to behave the way he is behaving or say the things he is saying, only he has control over himself and his nastiness.

You are a wonderful, caring, loving woman who simply wants her marriage to work and her little family to stay together, that is commendable. Unfortunatley, just as you cannot control what your H says or the way he behaves you cannot control the way he feels. You can however, control the way you react and respond to it. It seems to me that the harder you try to reason with him, see sense, the more ammunition he is gaining, he is taking what you say and twisting it around so that he looks like the victim and you are the guilty party. In effect, he is gaining justifictaion for what he is doing.

Believe me, you are doing absolutely the best thing by going away and leaving him to it. If you weren't already going away I would be advising you to distance yourself emotionally from him as much as you can. Right now, the most important person in all of this is you, not him. You need some time and space to gather your thoughts away from him and his comments. You need to get your head straight and gain some strength.

One more thing I would say to you, he is more likely to come back to you if you give him the space to do so. (that is if you do want him back after all of this) At the moment, the more you try the further away he will be. He needs to see you as a strong, capable woman who doesn't need him, a woman who's happiness does not depend on him. I am not saying that this is definately going to bring him back to you but, believe me, it will do you the world of good!! Once you have your self esteem back in place you will feel like a different woman, then my love, it will be you who will be deciding if you want him!!

PS You are welcome on the Fab and Glam thread anytime!!

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

hold on to that, yours and hers emotional health should be all that matters to you

he can look after himself

[idontlikecricket]

I may just tell him to piss off!!!! i want to play at tortured for a while now. Hmmmmmm lifes so bad, I've not been able to do whatever I want for oh 10 years.....

It is very complicated with DD. But she just told me she loved me so that made me very happy

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

sg, straight to the point as ever , I too fail to see why he won't just piss off out of it if you are "bringing him down so much"

cricket, you are being silly but you will come out the other side a wiser and stronger person

my silly phase was thankfully pre-kids, so at least I didn't have all the complications that entails

[solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain]

You will feel so much better when you've got rid of him. He is hanging around whining at you because he is either completely gutless and unable to take any responsiblity for himself, or he's having an affair - or he actually really gets off on being the tortured soul who no one understands - but to be a properly tortured soul there has to be someone running around trying to kiss it all better who Mr Misery can blame and slap down constantly.
Whiners like him don't improve, ever.

[idontlikecricket]

you know I'm gonna call you wiseany....

I can't wait for the healing proerties and wiseness that will stop me from being so silly

i do appreciate all your help

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

good luck, and keep posting xx

isn't there a thread called "fab and glam" particularly for those whose self-esteem has taken a huge knock, often to do with a man, have you seen it?

lots of ladies will have brilliant advice for you, as they have all been through it recently

I am of course, spouting my advice with the benefit of 20 yrs of hindsight, which has a great tendency to make you able to see the wood for the trees (ahhh wonderful time and its healing properties......)

when you are right in the middle of it though, its sooooo not easy

[idontlikecricket]

you know when all your self esteem has gone?

I know I can be attractive but I feel ugly, I've put on weight, I have no sense of who I am....blah blah blah

Anyway enough self pity.

I think my emotional health will be better in the long run.

[idontlikecricket]

Thank you any and liffey.

I am actually looking forward to getting away.

I worry about so much, I worry about everyone being safe, about him being safe, about our DD being safe -everything and I know I just can't do it anymore.

It eats me alive and interferes with how I function.

I am looking forward to seeing my family.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

cricket, anybody can feel that low when faced with what you are going through

it doesn't mean you are a bad parent

you have to go on for your dd, it will be very very hard and pssibly worse before it gets better

LAL speaks sense, I think eventually you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted, when you realise you are only responsible for the emotional wellbeing of one child, instead of two

[LiffeyAnnaLivia]

Getting away will be good. You'll see that there's life away from him, your home, your normal environment. It is possible to build a new life for yourself. Think about that when you're with your family.