Is this enough to break our family up over?

[Lametta]

DH drinks ALOT. We have rules in place re his drinking. He is not allowed to drink in front of the dc. He usually drinks at least 6 nights of the week and it is anywhere between 4 and 10 cans of lager per night after dc have gone to bed. He usually sleeps on the sofa as I cannot bear his drunken snoring. This morning I woke up to him having split beer all over the carpet and he had urinated on the sofa. It is not the first time this has happened.

From reading up on alcoholism I would probably call him a functioning alcoholic. He holds down a job (does well at it really). He is great with the dc apart from not giving them as much time as he could or should. He works long hours and spends a lot of time in bed recovering from his drinking. When he is not drinking he is helpful with them, however this is after repeated nagging over the past few years. He used to be awful, never did anything practical for them and would become abusive if I pushed the issue.

As far as our relationship is concerned, we don't really have one. He used to be very controlling and verbally abusive towards me but over the past 6 months I have managed to improve this with a policy of zero tolerance. Just got fed up with it really and I think he senses that I came to the end of my tether with it, I used to allow a lot of his nonsense because he had a bad childhood and I made a lot of allowances for that. I do not make these allowances any more.

I am frightened that even though we dont really argue about his drinking any more and he does not drink in front of dc they will still be affected by it. I do not drink at all, ever. I thought that my dc deserved at least one parent who did not drink.

Can anyone who is going through anything similar tell me how they dealt with it please? Is this enough to break up a family. My dc adore their father. Help me out please. I am scared I am taking the easy road all the time for a quiet life and I should just be kicking his arse out the door. Have name changed.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Mrs Gene Hunt

Do not drink with him, this is also enabling behaviour. You must NOT drink with your H at all.

[NotBigJustBolshy]

Very sorry to hear about your situation, Lametta, you need to get yourself some support. I was in a similar situation and went to my local drugs and alcohol advisory service for counselling. This helped a lot, but it was seeing the effect that my then-husband's drinking was having on our dd and realising that she was growing up thinking his behaviour was normal and acceptable that really gave me the strength to leave. Sad to see how many people have been in similar situations.

[midnightexpress]

I don't have any personal experience of this Lametta, but your posts sound as if you are completely 'out' of the relationship in your head, and just stayin gfor the sake of your children? But I'm afraid I agree with those who say that bringing up your children in this sort of marriage is not really a good example for them for the future.

[MrsGeneHunt]

thanks atilla,
i don't drink now, sometimes in the last month i have but it feels wrong, ie. i wait til dh goes to bed, which is lately early, cos he is so tired, so it is secret drinking. the wine and cidar have all gone now so i wont buy anymore.

[ihavenewsockson]

my parents are both alcoholics.
i wish one hadn't been and the fmaily had split, then maybe i wouldn't be so damaged.

you don't realise it at the time.

it's only years later when i, thankfully, found my wonderful, stable hubbie that i realised my childhood was not 'normal' and had screwed me up.

btw they weren't 'abusive' persee, just useless and horrible when coming off the beer or once they'd had too much.

as a child you don;t realise how highly wound up you are trying to keep everyone happy that you don't realise it's not your responsibilty.

all children should grow up in an environment where they are safe, feel secure and have consistent behaviour from their parents.

[DorisIsAPinkDragon]

Hi lametta,

My dh is also an alcoholic something he finally admitted to me in September.

He was not drinking on benders etc as many on here but "had" to have alchol every evening and was hidding this from me taking empties to work etc.

He was also olding down a job and becuse he was drinking when I was in bed I was not aware of the frequency.

However when I finaly discovered the extent of the problem ( he had refilled drinks in our cupboard with water with the intent to replace them). I was firm, he had to stop and he had to get help from an outside source, I could not trust him to be truthful with me so i would rather there was a third party.

He rang AA and went to meetings tbh he found some a little too evangelical but I insisted that it was the only way our relationship would continue. he has given up although I do keep a closr eye on him now.

without him admitting that he had a problem, I would have walked awayn .... and I adore my dh he is fantastic husband and great father, but he needed to see that there was/is a problem

Don't know if this will help but I'm thinking of you good luck with whatver course you take.

[katch]

Lametta, I hope you can persuade your DH to go for counselling.

My (deceased) father was a functioning alchoholic, and I really wouldn't wish that on any child.

I haven't looked in to the known effects of this on children, as I think it would be too painful.

I've realised my DM was an enabler - she always liked a drink and a night out with the girls, and didn't witness much of his behaviour as she worked in the evenings.

She claimed to have been totally unaware that he left us by ourselves every night to go to the pub when I mentioned it recently.

By the time I was a teenager I longed for her to leave him, and carried a secret shame about my home life.

I just knew it wasn't normal.

I think the fact that he is a fantastic father might make a difference - it's a question of which is more important to him, and whether the drink has started to take priority in his head.

Believe me, if the DCs can't put in to words what's wrong, they do know something isn't right, and this sense will only grow as they get older.

And waiting until Christmas is over is a red herring - there will always be a birthday/party/occasion/payday to wait for.

Best of luck.

[lametta]

Thanks again for your replies. Especially those from now adult children of functioning alcoholics. They have helped me to see where my family could end up if this continues. The only difference I would say there is with my family is that I am very open about how unacceptable his behaviour is. My children will never see me just accepting and ignoring his behaviour which I hope is helpful for them and when they are grown up with hindsight they will be able to see why I had to put a stop to it if and when that happens. I do not drink myself and no-one is ever allowed to be drunk around my dc so it is not a case of liking a drink myself and therefore ignoring h's drinking so that I can drink too.

He hasn't drunk for two nights now and seems relatively relaxed about it. He doesn't want to talk about it though, says it makes it harder. He knows it is the final straw though. Financially he will be in a position to move out in the New Year, the money was to be to sort ourselves out financially etc but I told him that he can use the money to move out and get a place of his own if he doesn't stop drinking so I think he knows that I mean it.

[katch]

It sounds like you're being very courageous
and focused.

The last thing your DCs need is an ostrich for a mother.

I really hope you come through this.

[lametta]

Have had 6 years to get to this point unfortunately. Not all of it bad though. Wouldn't life be easier if feckless husbands were like that all the time instead of throwing in periods of really good times to get you all confused about the right thing to do?

I still love him. I just can't live with or allow my kids to grow up with the drinking any more. Maybe it is me. Maybe I drive him to it. Maybe he will go and really sort himself out because it was me making him unhappy all along. I don't suppose it will really matter all that much as the end result will be the one I want - NO MORE DRINKING NEAR MY CHILDREN!!!!!!

[katch]

No one drives another person to misbehave.

We (as adults) choose our actions - I don't think you really believe that, but you're right, the desired end result is as you state.

He needs to understand, as you do, that the good times don't involve drink.

[Weeteeny]

My best friend's father was a functioning alcoholic, a secret one. We didn't know until she left home. (when she moved in with a totally unsuitable bloke just to escape at age 17) She was ashamed to tell anyone as was her mother I suspect. They were very well to do etc
We (her friends) never suspected despite the fact we never played at her house, saw her family all together. She couldn't bring her friends home in case her dad was passed out on the floor or in an aggressive mood.
She had a horrible home life as a child, her fathers drinking got progessively worse as your husbands may.
If you can remove your children from this situation I definately would.
I really feel for you.

[moondog]

4-10 cans of lager a night??
And pissing on the sofa???

Jeezuz.

[shatteredmumsrus]

my dp is also a drinker and comes from a heavy drinking family. His Dad is an ex drinker and his brother, cousins and uncles are all still drinkers.I did not realise this when we got together. Sad as it is dp is the best of a bad bunch. We had many problems relating to his drinking, he was verbally abusive, threw chairs, had a terrible temper, swore in front of the dc and stayed out for days on end drinking and had his phone switched off. I have started threads about this. Anyway after all this I threw him out and he rang every night crying from a b&b. He started going to AA and eventually came back a nicer person. He does still drink and likes it more than most but has to control it and tell himself when to go home. He drinks once or twice in the week and on a Sunday afternoon before going back to work.This is all fine with me and so far so good. However he has started woring away fromhome Mon to fri and goes out drinking with workmates every night now so I fear there is trouble ahead. From reading your situation I used to say that I protected them from it. Little did I know that my 7yo counted how many cans dp had a night and tld his nan!!! They pick up more than they let on. You dont sound happy and you dont sound like you have a life at all. You would be a much more relaxed and happier mother to your children without.As for finances, that is no reason to stay and you no it. Sorry to be blunt but its what I needed to hear and im sure you are the same.Christmas is not the best time for anyone to try and stop drinking so I doubt this will be a success for youboth. You dont say much about how you feel about him. Do you love him? Would you want to stay with him if he stopped drinking so much or are there other things?

[shatteredmumsrus]

Sorry you did say that you love him. For what my opinions worth just go with what you feel. You sound like a really grounded and sensible person and I wih you well. Ill be keeping an eye on this thread. It has started me thinking about whether I did the right thing staying with dp now. Good luck xxx

[NotBigJustBolshy]

When we're in these situations, we like to think that we can protect our dcs from it all, but we can't. If you're living with an addict, the atmosphere is toxic. If they're not drinking, you're always worrying when they will start again and what will trigger it. This kind of "walking on eggshells" existence is incredibly harmful for you and your children. My ex was a functioning alcoholic who held down a good job as a senior teacher. But he only held it together because I was holding him together. This took all my energy, both physical and emotional - and that also took away from our dd. I'm married to someone else now and I have spent the last 5 years regretting that I did not divorce my ex sooner, not least because my ds has had a normal toddlerhood and is therefore much happier and more confident than my dd.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I still love him. I just can't live with or allow my kids to grow up with the drinking any more. Maybe it is me. Maybe I drive him to it. Maybe he will go and really sort himself out because it was me making him unhappy all along. I don't suppose it will really matter all that much as the end result will be the one I want - NO MORE DRINKING NEAR MY CHILDREN!!!!!!"

Lametta

re your above comment:-

You need to remember the three 3cs with regards to alcoholism

You did not CAUSE this
You cannot CONTROL it
You cannot CURE it

You have not driven him to it, he made a conscious choice to start drinking. You did not make him unhappy - he has chosen to use alcohol as a crutch. Often as well this behaviour is learnt, for instance some people who go onto be alcoholics come themselves from families of heavy drinkers.

As I said to you before he may well lose everything and everyone around him and even then he may still continue to drink. There are no guarantees here.

I like the end result that you put in capitals re your children but I would add to it the words "AND ME".

If you have not done so already talk to Al-anon.

You are NOT responsible for him; only your own self and your children.

Good luck Lametta, I think you are going to need it.

The worst thing you can continue to do is to facilitate this and enable him. Enabling him helps no-one least of all you. He needs to be shown the consequences of his actions.

Attila

[motheroftwoboys]

Lametta - I really feel for you as I have been there. However - he - and your family - can recover IF he gets help to stop drinking. He cannot stop himself, even if he does want to. He may need to go to hospital for detox and then go on to rehab. He could start by going to AA but he will probably feel it is "not for him". My DH is a recovering alcoholic (dry 3 years) and life CAN get back to normal. There are many, many recovering alcoholics out there and believe me they don't spend all their time thinking about starting drinking again. They are just hugely grateful they have a life at all. If you love him and want to stay together then it is possible but it will be hard. Remember it IS an illness - people find this very hard to get their heads round. He can't just stop. Try and get hold of the Getting Them Sober series by Toby Rice Drews (and there is a brilliant website). Those books were a livesaver to me/us. Good luck.

[honestfriend]

I have no experience of this but have talked to others whose Ps were druggies/alcoholics. They had been advised not to get involved in trying to help their Ps- but to get on with their own lives.

Have you considered and ultimatum? ie - he gets help within a month, or you file for divorce? Or separation?

I think you have to go on as if nothing will change- and decide what that would mean to you.
Maybe removing yourself and your dcs if possible from the home would be the shock he needs to get help?

[Jane1979]

This is a mirror image of the behaviour of my ex partner, he did manage not to touch a drop for weeks at a time but it never lasted long.

In the end after one final bender last nye, i just had enough, it's been nearly a year now and life is so much easier without him, just me and ds.

The way i look at is they stop drinking to shut us up but all it takes is a bad day at work, or an unexpected bill to turn up, and its just an excuse to drink again.

I am glad that my ds was just two when he left so he didn't witness anything.

[Miggsie]

My best mate's mother is an alcoholic. My friend said "I lost my mother when I was 14". Her mother is not dead, she is simply so out of it she can't function as a mother. My friend kept the family together until her brothers left home, then she left. She barely speaks to her mother 20 years on. Her mother still drinks.
I have 2 alcoholic BIL and 2 alcohlic SIL. They do it because they like it.
The repercussions on their children range from grim to dreadful.
You cannot cure an alcolholic, they have to do it themselves, if they don't want to, they won't. At some point, if you stay, you will end up in hospital watching them have chronic liver failure. It's not pretty.

If you stay you are sending the message to your children that excessive drinking is ok, even normal.

Alcoholics are also incredibly selfish as they make other people carry the burden of their inability to cope with life.

[thebody]

poor you lametta,

I think you allready know that your relationship is over so why prolong the agony.

.As the kids get older you wont be able to cover up for him and it may encourage them to drink to excess as well.
Get financial advice from citizens advice and get out.

It might even jolt him into getting some help and getting off the booze, by covering for him you are really allowing him to get away with it.

you and the kids deserve much better than this mate...

[lametta]

Thanks. Four nights without drinking now. He seems to be committed to this but I never believe anything he says though I am hiding that from him.

The worst thing is that my ds has heard me telling dh that if he drinks again in the house at all then he will have to leave and seems to be really angry with me now. I know that already at 5 he blames me for the problems. He loves his Dad and I think to him I am just mean Mum who makes him eat all his tea and do other things he doesn't like and is trying to make his Dad go away whereas his dad is always around for the fun stuff. Ds has been really rude and angry with me today since I picked him up from school.

I think ds will be really angry with me and I will get all the blame now and in the future for a break up. I wish I had ended things sooner while ds was still too small to pick up on this stuff. I have really screwed things up. I should have been stronger, sooner.

[dustbuster]

Hi Lametta,

I don't have anything practical to add, but I just wanted to say that you sound like a highly intelligent, articulate and strong woman. You have already done a very hard thing by dealing with your husband's abusive behaviour and failure to help with the children. You've done an even harder thing by facing up to the problem of his drinking. Hopefully your husband will be able to give up drinking - lots of people do. But if he doesn't, and you have to leave him, I think you will be fine, and your DCs will be fine, because they have you on their side.

Good luck.