How did having a baby changed your relationship with your partner?

[tostaky]

Asking bc im 8 months PG i'm worried that as i will be obviously more involved in raising the baby and he is in the midst of devleoping his business that our life will differ so much that we won't have anything in common anymore...
me: baby, baby, baby, baby...
him: business, business, business...

So yes, im interested in your experience and how you managed your couple during maternity leave and then when you got back to work..

Cheers

[2manychips]

Great idea, or the second they whimper if yr dh is like mine you'll just get handed dc with the "oh he's hungry" excuse. I left it too late and dd wouldnt take ebm without a battle. Once she finally did at 6mths dh felt much more useful and took more interest. I think he actually needed to feel useful.

[tostaky]

what about expressing my milk so my dp can feed the baby sometimes?
too much hassle or good idea?

[tostaky]

Thanks for the book recommendations... hopefully my library has them!

[tostaky]

well...thank you for the warnings!
I appreciate it will be difficult to keep a balance... I dont want to be the perfect housewife like in those 40s adverts!!
I talked to him last night and he re-assured me a bit.
I was planning to get him involved with the bath and nappy changing etc and also putting the baby to sleep when he comes back from work (even if it is at 9pm)
Im also planning to leave baby for one day to him in december bc i have to do something for work. I wont be here to see whats going on (or even contactable on the phone) and he'll have total responsibility for the baby...that should bring them together a bit more.
Ive planned to leave the baby at the creche a few times a week too as I am planning to run the london marathon in april next year. I figure it gives me a goal that is not baby-orientated and not too difficult to organise + boyfriend will have to take care of baby when i'll run a few training races over the w-end.
We've got a cleaner so i dont worry about housekeeping too much (i still have to do things but less).
We dont have family in the Uk and most of our friends dont have babies.. so a bit hard to find a trusted babysitter.. i guess i'll try to go to a playgroup and meet other mums..

We talked about me getting PG again when the bub will be 6 months, bc it takes 9 very long months to make another one and also bc i'll be able to go back in maternity leave soon after going back to work. But yeah, we'll see how things go!

A few more weeks before the start of my / our new life... gosh thats scary!!

[TwoPumpkins]

The birth experience brought us closer together, we both felt as if it was us against the world. I think that saw us threw the first 12 weeks of 0 sleep! Its not all bad, just dont try to take on two much as well as a baby, like holidays or extensions or new bathrooms. You'll be ok

[whomovedmychocolate]

Chairmummiaow - actually we didn't decide on DS - we just were too bloody lazy to sort out contraception as it was such a rarity for us to need any! But then he was delighted and I was terrified, a complete about face from my first pregnancy when he was terrified and I was over the sodding moon

[ChairmumMiaow]

Whomoved - oh shit, never mind, I'll just have to cope with that if I ever get DH to agree to 2!

[VictorianSqualorSquelchNSquirm]

Totally agree with the give dad a job thing. Bath time is the best, It works great with DS2 and DP.

WMMC, I meant I'm meeting her at the park monday, but we can meet at pret another day. Come back on local we'll talk there.
Sorry for hijack!!

[cory]

I didn't feel it drove us apart even in the early months; dh was as interested in the babies as I was and just as hands-on. All right, I did the 2 a.m. breastfeed, but then he did the nappy change. Of course we were more tired, but I think we also gained a new respect for each other.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Chairmummiaow - nah that's bollocks -you think you are ready, then you get pregnant with number 2 and panic! And feel horribly guilty about the neglect you will give to BOTH kids

[ChairmumMiaow]

I'd definitely say take it one baby at a time. You'll know (I guess, having only had one and knowing I'm nowhere near read for another!) when you're ready for another.

It is hard. Even 8 months in I'm still snappy and often exhausted, and supremely jealous of DH's sleep, but we get through it. DH and I discussed it and he understands that my moods are due to tiredness etc, and is (even) more forgiving than he normally is.

I agree that sex is important. We don't manage it as often as we used to, but making sure its semi-regular seems to keep DH happier, meaning he is more forgiving of me etc.

To make sure that DH doesn't feel like you're shutting him out with your DC (which I'm sure happens plenty whether us mums mean to or not) I would try and make sure DH has a job that's just his. With us, in the early months it was DH taking DS out for a walk in the sling when I'd had enough. He likes walking, he loves having DS snuggled up next to him, and he felt like he was doing something to help - when he often felt quite helpless with our constantly BF DS. Now its bathtime, which is their special time, and they love it together.

Good luck. Don't expect it to be easy, and as much as possible explain to your DH how you're feeling (and if possible, why you're feeling that way).

[WinkyWinkola]

And What Mothers Do. It's brilliant.

[whomovedmychocolate]

There's also a good book called 'Babyshock'

[MrsGuyOfGisbourne]

Naetha - yes! Agree totally about the sex - much easier than all the other things you HAVE to do, so even if you don't want to, really important to do, and the more you do the more you will enjoy, and it does keep communication lines open - just be aware of teh fact that your boobs will probably leak during....

[WinkyWinkola]

Oooh, MrsTittleMouse, well done and congratulations on the safe arrival of your baby! You delivered her so you are cut out (erm, bad words here!) for this birth business. You just proved it. We all are. Just sometimes things aren't as straightforward as we might hope. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying your new baby.

Tostaky, it is hard. There's no doubt about that.

But there are things you can do to prepare. You could establish now by discussing with your DP/H how you think your lives will change and what good qualities you each have that will cope with those changes.

You could establish now who will do what even in the early weeks. For example, if you're breastfeeding and he's on paternity leave, perhaps he could do the nappies? Or let him know how much housework you think isn't going to be done!

You could cook a few meals in advance and put them in the freezer. That'll save a bit of work when you're very tired in the first few weeks. These few weeks are a blur anyway.

It is all very absorbing and you might find your DH is absorbed by his new baby too.

It takes a while to adjust and things all seem up in the air for a long time. But take your time, take it a day at a time and gradually your new life - because that's what it seems like at times, a whole new life - will settle and you'll each find your way as a team.

Be positive. And take it a baby at a time!

I wouldn't say it gets easier as they get older. It's different each day. Some days are a doddle. Some are really hard. With children, the hard days seem magnified somehow because it's your child and your responsibility.

[MrsMattie]

Also, put those 2nd and 3rd child plans on hold for a few months

See how you feel with just the one, first...

[MrsMattie]

Oh God, it has completely changed our relationship. For the first 12-18 months it was very, very hard to adjust to being parents, to being a family, and not just two individuals linked romantically. we almost separated a few times.

Down the line (DS 3.7 yrs old, second baby due next month) it has brought us much closer together and our relationship is stronger and better than ever before.

[MrsGuyOfGisbourne]

WMMC - yes spot on - everything you say! I have to admit that with DH & I it was very tough, and cuased a big rift between us, but ultimately was the best thing we ever did. I was convinced i would be the perfect partner, nothing would change and that the baby would not preoccupy me, but i was SO TIRED!!!! He was completely sheel-shocked at the tiniey-ness and dependency of DS1, and I really didn't think we would stay together 9 lowest point was when DS1 was about 2 weeks old . For us, the turning point was whne DS1 started to DO things ( smile, gurlge, roll-over say dada etc) and DH did not feel so terrified of holding him in case he broke...

[lulumama]

well done mrs TM< will go and look at the thread. am really pleased you made it through xxxx

[Naetha]

There's an excellent book called Babyproofing Your Marriage.

I read this when my DS was about 4 mo (he is now 9mo) and it really changed they way we both viewed our relationship.

Just remember, that although sex is usually the last thing on your mind, it is very important for your DH, and so keep at it in the first year, even if it's damn hard work and all you want to do is sleep!

My life is so much easier when my DH is getting some ;)

[nooOOOoonki]

make sure that your DP spends a bit of time with the baby on his own after the first few months,

before that get him involved in nappy changing/baths/choosing and putting on clothes/packing nappy bag so that he is not inept, and when you do have 3 of them he is able to look after the other two!

let him do things his way with the baby unless obviously dangerous, your way isnt always the right way

Talking about it now to him because it will be hard when the baby is there (tiredness/tensions)

Just because he is working he shouldn't leave it all to you, he will miss out and those early years zip by.

As a couple make sure you go out (with baby at first if you can't find a babysitter, it can sleep in the carseat whilst you are at a restaurant, and think of other things to talk about!)

think about what you talk about now and try and carry those things on,

in some ways we are much closer now, but in others (yes OK sex sex sex) we are not,

ps we are talking about DC3 (well 4 really as I have a stepson too)so it can't be that bad!

[MrsTittleMouse]

Hi lulumama - I put an announcement on my labour thread, but no-one noticed. I've been feeling very neglected! It was very long and difficult and almost resulted in a transfer for failure to progress (second stage), but against the odds I managed to get her out with no intervention. The midwife admitted as she was sewing me up that she actually thought that it wasn't going to happen, but luckily was a good enough actress not to let it show at the time (until she called in the senior midwife right at the end - that was a bit of a give-away ). Given that DD2 was the second, and was positioned really well, and that I had a really active and upright labour again, I just think that I'm not cut out for this birth business. But at least no instruments or C section, and only a small 2nd degree internal and small 1st degree external tear.

[yousaidit]

Can vouch for whomovedmychocolate's advice: even if you can't stand the person offering help, if you need it, esp in the first few weeks, accept it!!

[whomovedmychocolate]

vs bugger I have to go to babybounce on Monday to meet yet another mumsnetter!

[whomovedmychocolate]

Practical things you can do:

1. no matter what remember that all stages of babyhood pass - some are horrid, the first 6 weeks is crippling in terms of tiredness etc. but it does get easier.
   
2. Accept all help offered even if you hate the person offering it.
   
3. Do try and notice and value any time together as a couple.
   
4. Lower your standards now - immaculate houses and kids don't mix - you both have to accept this and the fact that you will eat on the hoof anything you can and not care.
   
5. Finally, for your own self esteem try at least to get dressed every day and brush your hair (yeah you think that is nuts now but you wait!)