Is this the era of infidelity?

[objectivityislivid]

Or do we just have better means of discovery? (mobile, email, etc.?)

And...are we just supposed to take this crap - moving from one long term/short...A life littered with relationships and the odd discarded child along the way?

Just wondered.

[mrsshapelybottom]

I don't know if it is as simple as either being, by nature, manogomous or not. People can enter into marraige with the belief that they will be entirely faithful because the condition of the marraige at the time is good (one would assume!)But people do change. I never thought for a moment that I would have had it in me to consider sleeping with another man whilst married to my DH but I did come very close to cheating.

Does lack of fidelity have to mean loss of love for your partner? I'd like to think that I am realistic enough now to know that humans sometimes have emotional and personal crisis' which can lead to them making choices they might not have thought themselves capable of when they married.

Is it fair to expect monogomy under any & all circumstances? My DH has hardly been interested in me sexually for the past 8 years. I knew this when I married him but I thought I was well able to remain faithful until our issues were dealt with. I made my marriage vows in good faith that DH would seek help......he hasn't yet and I feel near breaking point.......people are fallible.

[PortofinoPumpkin]

NLG - Why? I was trying to be objective about stuff. Honestly, one half of me thinks that we don't try so hard any more to make things work, and the other half sees that there are complete bastards out there who aren't worth any effort. I guess I'm sitting on the fence if anything....

[NappiesLaGore]

portofino - i think i live on a different planet to you

[moondog]

Blimey SG, for someone who deosn't rate monogamy, you spend an inordinate amount of time thinking and talking about it.

I couldn't care less either way. Whatever floats yer boat. I do object to children being caught in the crossfire trhough. Unforgivable.

[PortofinoPumpkin]

I'm not sure waht to think to be honest. Part of me thinks that people don't take their "vows" very seriously any more, and hey, you don't even need to be married anymore. What would have been almost unthinkable 30 years ago is commonplace today.

The "acceptability" of non-married relationships and easy divorce also means that you have an easy"get out" clause that maybe previous generations didn't have, hence people don't feel the need to make so much of an effort.

On the other hand, I know of family members who have lived a life of extreme unhappiness because marriage did live up to their expectation of it. And I read on MN of some complete and utter bastards who do not deserve a woman's love or loyalty.

I was once told "What do you mean you're unhappy? I've never been happy, so why do you see that as your right? I've got on with it, so should you" To me that is so sad - a whole life lived with nothing but regret. But does that mean we should just ditch the OH the minute we get fed up?

[solidgoldskullonastick]

Dittany I have said on several threads that it is unethical to lie to a partner and perfectly understandable to be angry about being lied to. (I have, in the past, had relationships with people who insisted that they were monogamous, tried to talk me into monogamy, yet were shagging other people and lying about it. OK only fell for that one a couple of times but believe me I have never denied that some people really do behave like complete shits...) I frequently advise people to talk to their partners rather than making assumptions about what behaviour is and is not acceptable.
And women do resort to violence against unfaithful partners on occasion. Men do it more often but it isnt right whoever is doing it.

[Martha200]

I am in the thought of no it is not the era of infidelity, it has been around for as long as time began. The Victorians were at it, in the wars we were at it with the Americans, expatriates are keen on it whether now or decades plus ago, Bible talks about it and so on, we just live in a time where it is more acceptable to move on or possible to do so.

I will never forget my Mum giving me a bollocking when I was 7, because I told ny new school mates I was adopted by a step dad (she was SO cross, because back then, it was 'wrong' to talk of such things, the single mother had a much harder time than now in regards to respect from society.

We live in a throw away culture of consumption, western society thinks increasingly of the self and interest.

No need to accept this crap but I think the seeds of what we do or don't find acceptable starts within the family setting (not sure if making sense, tired

[solidgoldskullonastick]

Too many people still think that a breach of monogamy is a justification for violence. IN reporting of those terrible cases where one partner kills the children, the justification is often that the other partner was suspected of having had sex with someone else (and the reporting often carries the subtext of, well, he/she deserved to be beaten up and have his/her children murdered then). There have been threads on here cheering on people who confess to having physically assaulted former partners or destroyed their property on the grounds of infidelity. It's not OK to do this.

[unlikelyamazonian]

Hideous Violence?

Yay! In that case, bring on monogamy-freedom!! Sounds fun!!

Better Hideous Violence than the hideous violence marriage usdually is.

[elastamum]

I think part of the problem is that in many circles infidelity is seen as a 'bit of fun' my h had several friends who had had / were having affairs and I think he saw it almost as an entitlement. He freely admits that if he hadnt been caught he would have carried on with his family one end of the country and his girlfriend hidden at the other (she is also married with kids btw). Now having been caught, apparently he has broken it off and is not going to lie anymore ~ and no I dont believe him either

[NappiesLaGore]

good for you, sgb. i do like honesty.

[solidgoldskullonastick]

Well I am out and proud about being monogamy-free, and I know quite a few other people who are, too. Once or twice, desirable potential partners have said that they want a sexually exclusive relationship and we have agreed not to enter into a relationship as we want different things. When I was younger and sillier and less sure of myself, I believed the bullshit that when you're 'In Love' you will automatically become monogamous, and made myself and some partners miserable. I regret that but at least I learned from it and won't do it again.
But 'infidelity' is as old as civilisation: marriage used to be about property and inheritance rather than romance and there have been many times and social groups where extra-marital relationships were just a fact of life: often celebrated in stories and songs even though they were equally often relationships that ended in hideous violence.

[NappiesLaGore]

yes i notice stuff like that.

[NappiesLaGore]

x post - and BLOODY good point there dittany.

[NappiesLaGore]

to be fair dittany, and i do love the guarddog way you have of protecting women, sgb is not 'defending liars and cheats. " she is ststing the thing about monogamy presumably because that IS the accepted norm of our society. and maybe she has a damn fine point about it not exactly being realistic or even possible for vast swathes of people in that very same society if Anifrangapani's figures are anything to go by

[and now that post is going in about 20 mins late as i was just on the phone half way through it]

[unlikelyamazonian]

Dittany you speak so clearly. I agree. They are either In or OUT. They can't have one foot in the cesspit unless they tell the other half they are putting one nfoot in the cess pit and give them the choice of staying or leaving.

Only, that is unrealistic.

No it isn't.

Yes it is.

No it isn't.

Yes it is.

See? it's a fucking pantomime is infidelity. All bargain bastment scrubbers - men and women - no class.

[unlikelyamazonian]

I have cheated. I hid the shears MYSELF behind the kitchen curtains.

Ha
This is serial cheating because last time I left them in the passenger well of the car deliberately.

Is it cheating if you got married with a big vintage roller, catholic vows, reception thingy, a baby ...then you run away and start living with a burmese girl?

I thought hiding the shears was bad...

[Anifrangapani]

45% women and 65% Men admit to adultary to an anonomous poll.

I think a lot more do, but don't get caught or never admit it.

[NappiesLaGore]

truly - do you really think anything that goes on in the realm of human behaviour, especially to do with sex, hasnt been done over and over and over since the dawn of time??

[Hassled]

Mumblechum makes a damn good point - women cheat too, they just don't talk about it (much) on Mumsnet. I'd be interested if there are any stats on the percentages of marriages that fail due to the man or the woman cheating respectively.

As to the WHY question - because marriage can be dull and stressful. And some people don't have the maturity to see the bigger picture, which is that you put up the dullness and the stress of small children/no money etc because love and commitment is about more than that - all the "for richer or poorer/better or worse" stuff. Some people find that easy to accept and follow through, most people find that tested along the way but stick at it, and some people just fall at the first hurdle and look elsewhere for validation as soon as life gets dull or difficult.