what would you do? I am contemplating finishing a friendship over one issue but feel a bit sad about it

[pagwatch]

I have posted about this before but it has I think come to a head.

Have been friends for two years with mum whose DD went to nursery with my DD. She is fab - funny and nice. We laugh most of the time and 90% of things we agree on.
Last year the girls started school. DD went to local girls independent school. Her DD went to her local infants.

She has a thing about private schools which we have discussed and i respect her wishes but choices are made. I am happy with mine. She seems happy with her. But she asks ENDLESSLY about DDs school and then sneers or criticises. It has been getting me down. I have asked her to just agree to disagree but she brings it up all the time.

A week ago she asked about DS2's school and whilst answering I mention that DD now starts earlier.
" how bloody stupid" was her reply.
Tis the last straw for me i think. I had to end converstaion but she knew she had offended me. I told her I would give her a call but don't think I will.

Should I try one last time or is a year long enough to realise that she won't let it go.

Just wondering what you would do. Guess I am feeling odd because to me this is a minor issue and shouldn't end a friendship. So am I being shallow or is she being unreasonable?

Sorry this is long

[Grumpalina]

Pw. You're doing the right think. All you do is say something and leave the ball in her court. Whatever her views it's just plain bad manners. I would never dream of saying to someone 'EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I would NEVER send my DCs to that school' in a sneery judgemental tone but if you send your DCs private apparantly that means all sort of random people feel perfectly justified in commenting on your choices. I am a single parent on a single income working all hours to send my two DSs where I do. I know lots of people don't agree but it's my choice and unless I've asked for someones opinion I think it's very rude to comment.

You wouldn't expect a friend to make sneery and rude comments about your choice of clothes or furnishing so why should this be any different. I would however avoid asking questions about her child's school and just try and avoid the subject.

[pagwatch]

Of course I mean I will raise the issue when she next does it - not randomly

And I think I just need to be very specific that this is causing me to question our friendship. I think maybe she views it as an issue where I am in the 'wrong' and therefore won't react iyswim.
Provincial lady and blu are right I think.

[pagwatch]

thanks all .
I will raise it with her.
Really helpful.

( well I should say mostly helpful )

[slayerette]

Fortunately I have absolutely no idea what you mean by that.

[lizinthesticks]

Get a mind or shut it.

[slayerette]

Helpful comment there, lizinthesticks - absolutely relevant to the OP's problem

And it was such a relief that people were trying to deal with the OP's issue without having this thread kick off into a state school v private school debate.

[DANCESwithLordPottingtonSmythe]

'have done' not'have do'...should really check before pressing post!

[DANCESwithLordPottingtonSmythe]

One of my closest friends and I have one subject(hunting - her husband does it, I think killing for your pleasure is barbaric) that we just CAN'T agree on. I have said to her 'we can't agree on this topic so let's just not talk about it' and so that is what we have do. I do NOT continue to make snide comments about it and she doesn't bring it up either. I would be tempted to let the friendship slide but if you really value it just say, next time she starts, 'I really think we should NOT talk dd's school anymore because you are starting to hurt my feelings when you put it down all the time and I don't want to lose a friendship over it'. See what she says and if you don't like the response end of friendship.

[lizinthesticks]

"Choice" - haha. Right, right. Because it's all about choice, isn't it?

F*ing hell fire.

[slayerette]

It seems very odd that she would make such an issue of it. I have friends with children at state school; I have friends with children at private school. I have chosen private school for my DS but I wouldn't dream of commenting on my friends' choices. In fact, it really wouldn't occur to me to! And my friends who have chosen state school are sensitive enough to respect my choice and have never commented negatively about private schools. And to be honest, I don't think any of us think about it any more - our children go to school, we get a bit of peace and quiet, end of story! They are good friends and we've known each other for nearly six years - but then part of what makes them good friends is that they don't judge or criticise or make me feel uncomfortable. I think if your friend does do these things, maybe she's not a friend you need.

[fizzpops]

I think that you have nothing to lose by challenging her comments. It sounds like you are ready to wave the friendship goodbye if things don't change and after all it is her behaviour which is causing the problem.

I am of the live and let live persuasion and often feel as if people are challenging my decisions, perhaps because they don't feel I give them reasons for them. I have strong opinions but don't feel the need to impose them on others. Sometimes this is all that people understand.

By having the showdown conversation with her she may realise you have thought things through and are happy with your choice regardless of what anyone else is doing as your circumstances are unique to you. If she still doesn't get it at least you have given it a shot.

[nailpolish]

you can be friends with someone and have huge opposing views on stuff

[PinkyDinkyDooToo]

Some people are saying they disagree with private education and would like to think their friends feel the same way. But if the OP's friend was so against private schooling then why would she stay friends with her.

I think as some say she is just jealous and clearly has a problem with your DD having a private education. I think it would be easier to step away if she will not stop

[TheProvincialLady]

I don't this is about her beliefs on private schools or her insecurities. I think it is about her just being rude. How would you deal with her if she was making rude personal remarks about your appearance or your choice of husband? I suspect you wouldn't be angsting about not offending her, respecting her right to have hairy armpits and big facial warts etc - you would just ask her to stop and if she didn't you would drop her. So just do it!

[pagwatch]

thank you all. Some things to mull over.
i think I will let things calm down a bit and then nexttime we meet wait and see if she raises it again.

At that point I think if i can just grow a backbone I will go with Blu.

Her choices re her DDs education may be as a result of not being able to afford it. But I think they are mostly because she had a bad experience in a private school as a child. I think i need to find out if it is misplaced jealousy/mixed feeling about the choice she has made.
Or her being superior because she has made the right 'moral' choice for her DD. I am wondering if it could be that?

I will in any event have one more go - soonish

Thank you all very much

[nailpolish]

• i keep mif ont he other hand she disagrees with private education - then if she was a true friend she would keep her opinions to herself

i disagree with things my friends do but i dont sneer or make cruel remarks

[jellybeans]

'I probably would find it difficult tbh if one of my friends sent their children to private schools cause it goes completely against my belief system. ' That's my exact feelings too BUT if she is a good friend she should look past her own opinions and respect your decision. I have friends who do allsorts of things I would never do but we are still friends and it works OK. I think probably the reason why I could still be friends despite fundamental disagreements is that I am generally happy with my lot and my kids schools etc. I am guessing that she maybe is feeling it is unfair that your child gets things she could not afford (if that is the case) but whatever her reason if she cannot deal with and respect your choices then the friendship is over tbh. Good luck.

[nailpolish]

someone said she maybe lashing out like a hurt and wounded animal - that may be true

but its hard to bring it up with out it seeming you are patronising her

its a difficult situation

[nailpolish]

pagwatch

i very nearly sent my dd to a private school but after doing the sums for the millionth time i had to admit to myself that we jsut coudnt afford it. so dd now goes to the best state school i could get her into
anwyway
whenever i talk to friends whose chidlren go to a private school i want to CRY and i feel GUILTY that i am letting my dds down (i know im not)
BUT i say to them "what a brilliant school, thats great for your dd, i bet she loves it etc" and i mean it.
anway
i think this friend of yorus possibly feels guilt too that
maybe she didnt work hard enough to get a better paid job
maybe she should be saving up for education nad not buy shos/bags/coats/holidays/food
etc

tell her she is upsetting you - never apologise cos you havent doneanything wrong - but do tell her she is upsetting you

say "you really hurt my feelings when you slag off dds school. i would never slag off your dds school or look down on you so why are you sneering? i thought we were friends"

[Rhubarb]

I think you are all being a bit harsh.

Is it not possible that her dd was quite upset that her friend was not going to her school? It's hard for every parent when their child goes to school and our hearts bleed for our little ones. It makes it much worse if they are separated from their friends.

It could also be that her dd is not doing quite as well as you might think at school, that the mum wishes she could put her dd into the independant one too, but cannot find the funds to do so.

She could be very worried about her dd. Angry that her dd is being denied chances that your dd has.

Unfortunately some people tend to be aggressive and defensive on things they are really worried about. Perhaps if you encouraged her to open up you might find out that things are not going so well for her. She might be frightened of telling you in case you come over all superior (not saying you would but some people cannot help a little "told you so")

Give her one more chance. For your part, try to be as understanding as possible. You don't know what is going on behind the scenes.

[Cappuccino]

gosh Blu

you are a bit scary

[zwiggy]

I am feeling a similar thing (tho different scenario) with one of my friends.

The fact is if the friendship leaves you feeling negative or pissed off then forget it. You can't have friendships like this cos it degenerates you (thats what it says in the Bhagavad gita anyhow)

Its better to be a wandering hermit IMO

[ActingNormal]

I have quite strong views on private schools and I have a good friend who sends her DS to one. She knows that I would not send my children to one because I have views on it but I only felt the need to say it once, maybe twice. I respect that she is doing what she thinks is best for her DS and I don't see any point in us upsetting each other by going on about the differences. Like one of you said, neither of us are "batting baby seals to death" She doesn't show off about her son's school being 'better' and I don't try to make my DD's school out to be better.

Could you say to your friend "from the things you say it is fairly noticeable that you have strong views on private schools vs state schools and that is fine but when you make your little comments I feel upset and I feel it damages our friendship. You have done what you think is best for your child and I have done what I think is best for mine. Can we just respect each other's decisions and not go on about it?" I know this would be quite hard to say if you are as inhibited as me but it would be the ideal thing to say I think.

[Overmydeadbody]

I think a true friend would keep her thought to herself on issues like this out of respect and kindness.

I have a very good friend, who is Christian, whenever she start tsalking about some aspect of her belief as if it is fact, I think to myself "how bloody stupid" but I would never say this to her as I respect her right to believe whatever she wants without being ridiculed or put down for it.

[ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe]

I am in two minds as I have recently lost some friends and it isn't nice.

I would have no problem with being friends with someone who chose a different schooling path for my children. What a strange thing to not be friends with someone over.

I would be tempted to ask her what her problem is as she is negative every time you talk about schools together. Ask her straight if she has such a problem with it would she prefer that you weren't friends. Take your response from hers.