Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Relationships

Antisocial Personality Disorder - does anyone have any experience of this please?

34 replies

Lightbulbmoment · 07/09/2008 11:02

Just that. Have name changed for this. After years of misery with my controlling, alcohol abusing, uncaring, verbally abusive h I decided to do a search on his characteristics and the Mind website came up with this.

So does anyone have any experience of living with a person like this?

"Antisocial personality disorder (APD)
This is known as 'psychopathy' under the Mental Health Act (MHA) 1983. It is closely linked with adult criminal behaviour, so if you suffer from ASPD you will probably have a criminal record. You may also be a heavy drinker or a drug-user. Boredom is a problem for you and you may find it difficult to hold down a job for long or stay in a long-term relationship. You will tend to act impulsively and recklessly, often without considering the consequences for yourself or for other people. You may do things, even though they may hurt people, to get what you want, putting your needs above theirs. You believe that only the strongest survive and that you must do whatever it takes to lead a successful life, because if you don?t grab opportunities, others will. You may be regarded as being selfish and hard".

This is my H. There should be a picture of him next to this definition on the Mind Website.

I dont know what to do now. I have two dc with this man and I always thought he was like he is because of issues in his childhood. His behaviours are never directed towards the dc, only me, sometimes his siblings and people outside the family. If I showed him this he would laugh because he would recognise himself but he doesnt think he actually does anything wrong but just that I am a nag.

Does anyone have personal experience of this please. I am feeling very shocked but I know I am right about this.

OP posts:

Report

squigglywig · 07/09/2008 18:57

Sorry - also just need to add that PD's are not untreatable. Maybe a while ago that was the general consensus but it's simply not true.

CBT, DBT, Therapeutic communities, CAT, TA, Psychoanalysis, Peer based treatments - these are all being used extensively, and well now, and the outcome measures are remarkable.

The dept. of health PD program had it's pilots evaluated last year by imperial college and the mh foundation. I think it's been published now. It's worth a read if you come into contact with PD.

Report

Monkeytrousers · 07/09/2008 21:36

psychoanalysis for someone with a diagnoses PD? God help them.

Report

onepieceoflollipop · 07/09/2008 21:41

I am a mental health nurse and agree that personality disorders exist but are extremely difficult to both diagnose and treat. Ultimately any treatment only succeeds if the person/patient is motivated to change. Sadly as part of their personality disorder this part can be very difficult.

Your description of his behaviours made me feel very uneasy and anxious. The man is dangerous. My gut reaction is to say to you get out of there. If he was ever to seek appropriate treatment then things might be salvagable in the future wrt your relationship.

At present it sounds as if he sees no need to change and would therefore not be amenable to seeking help.

Report

onepieceoflollipop · 07/09/2008 21:45

Also wanted to add to what others have said. The cause of his abusive behaviour is actually irrelevant at this stage.

You are in danger. Some of the incidents you describe made my blood run cold.

Many (if not all) people with personality disorders have had their personality damaged (sometimes irreversibly imo) by issues or traumas in childhood. The whole situation is very very

Report

Janni · 08/09/2008 14:18

my dad was a bit like your partner. Held down a responsible job (headmaster), highly thought of, but at home he was obnoxious. He drank heavily, he was continually verbally abusive to my mum and physically abusive on at least one occasion. She always trod on eggshells around him and tried to keep him 'happy' but it never worked. His needs dominated the family and I can assure you that your children, regardless of how you perceive him to be towards them, will be suffering because of the tension in the household and their fears for your wellbeing. My mum tried to leave my dad on a few occasions and he always talked her round. He would be charming, briefly, then return to normal when her impetus to leave had subsided.

He became chronically ill in his fifties and she is now his full-time carer. That's another thing for you to think about: the physical damage his alcohol abuse is doing to him. If you do not get out, you will end up looking after him as he deteriorates.

I know you have decided to go and I trust you will, but he will make it difficult for you and you need to be prepared for that.

I wish my mum had done what you are planning.
Good luck

Report

Lightbulbmoment · 08/09/2008 15:37

Thank you so much for all your responses. Information and advice I have received on here and other threads I have posted have made me feel really strong and made me realise that I was actually normalising his behaviour in an "everyone has problems in their relationships" kind of way.

I told him today. He didnt say much but agreed to move out but in a trying to make it his own decision kind of way. This used to really bother me because a big part of me wanted him to know what he had done, always hoping he would suddenly see the light. I have finally realised that he never will and being free of him is reward and acknowledgment of everything I have been through with him in itself.

Janni, thanks in particular for your post. I read that and it made me feel quite cold at the thought of myself being stuck in that position in a few years time having wasted my a large chunk of my life in such an awful situation, with there still being no escape later.

Kat my H is certainly not as bad as that, he does seem to have some kind of moral compass and will show some regret after each episode but never seems to learn and still always puts himself and going out on his bender first the next time also. Always manages to justify it. I know it is probably going to get harder, always gets worse before it gets better etc but having made the decision and started getting things moving, I feel like I have jumped a huge hurdle already.

OP posts:

Report

Lightbulbmoment · 08/09/2008 15:39

OP posts:

Report

onepieceoflollipop · 08/09/2008 16:16

All the best to you and your dcs Lightbulb - hope you have some supportive rl friends too. Keep strong, sounds like you have been through a lot already.

Report

Janni · 08/09/2008 19:38

I'm honoured to feel it might have helped you in some small way. I really wish you well