Have been with DH for 8 years, married 18 months. 8 month old DD.
DH was a good friend of mine before we got together and we got on fantastically. We were always laughing and compatible. At the time I lived with my boyfriend of 6 years (am only 3- now so am a bit of a serial long relationship kind of girl!!)
Anyway, ex boyf was an idiot. He even went to prison a few times for violence, not towards me but he was an agressive volatile person.
DH is amazing. He is the opposite of previous boyf. He is stable, non confrontational, sensible etc etc. His only "fault" and we all have them (!, me too many!) is that he can be quite judgemental, but I dont think that he really even means it.
Anyway, am not sure that ex boyf is even relevant as it was so long ago
In RL everyone thinks that I am lovely, I am often told that I am "too nice" and that I need to have a higher opinion of myself etc etc. Everyone, except those that are close to me and to them I am not always very nice. It makes me sad as I want to be nice and its like I can't? Its almost like having an anger that I can not control. (Am never violent, its just that I say nasty things or think them).
Today, as a silly example. I am on maternity leave and look after DD in the week. DH is brilliant and usually gets up early with her (most days at 6am) and I get to lie in bed until 730am. He is a great dad. Most nights he does bath and bed time milk and the dream feed.
I love my DD with all my world, but have found motherhood a big shock. I think that I am naturally quite selfish and miss things like going to the gym, reading in bed and generally pottering. DD is almost 8 months but has always been high maintenance, bless her (she is like me!)
My DH has always played sport on a Saturday from Sep - April. I used to enjoy my time away shopping, meeting my mum/friends etc. This year, however, I have DD.
Today is the first day of his season. Its only a friendly game, he didnt tell me until last weekend. DD has been hard work for the last 3 days as she is teething and struggling with it (as am I!). DH will only be gone for 3 hours (which is nothing considering that he has been up since 6am with her, whilst I slept until 830am!)
I just dont know why I resent him going and why I am so horrible about it. I woke up, promising myself that I wouldnt make an issue of it but ended up being picky, mentioning all the things that I would have to do (again) by myself, going on about how he had ruined my Saturday and how life was ok for him. He retorted (quite rightly) that sport is what he has always done and that I knew that when I married him and I nastily said that I wished I hadnt bothered.
I know he will now be upset and not enjoy his afternoon out and that seriously was NOT be intention. Its like I just cant control the resentment?
Also, I think that having had DD most of our conversation has become a competition of who has done most with their day and I will often accuse him of having it easy by "just" going to work. Quite rightly, he tells me to go back to work then (not due back until Jan) but I would miss DD, its just that I find being with her all the time so exhausting.
I think that maybe I am secretly a horrid person? I wonder whether I really even know myself???? I cried when he left but DD got upset so I pulled myself together.
Is anyone else like me, or does anyone know what is wrong with me?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Why am I horrible to him? Long post - sorry.
pamelat · 30/08/2008 12:26
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