Has anyone ever moved out and saved their relationship? Tell me your stories please.

[Monkeytrousers]

I am going to look at a lovely (small) cottage literally 50 yards away from our house with a view to move in and get the space from each other that I think we need.

It's a last ditch effort to save our relationship as I really don;t htink we can see the wood for the trees living under the same roof and I am very weary of the boom or bust nature of our relationship, which DP seems to thive on.

Hopefully this will give us the space to rediscover each other again as individuals, whilst still being able to be a family for DS. At worst, it will be a dress rehersal to see how we could financially manage a real split, which I can only think of as another positive really.

Anyone had a similar experience?

[Goober]

You obviously think it is all over.
Don't you think that this arrangement will confuse your DS?

[Monkeytrousers]

No I don't think it's all over.

And if we split up hopefully we would be living in the same street anyway, so DS could see either of us - or both of us - when he wanted.

How is that more confusing than his dad living miles away and only seeing him on weekends?

[expatinscotland]

I think it's worth a try.

My ex's and my relationship was a lot better after we'd moved apart.

[mosschops30]

MT i know where youre coming from, me and dh were looking at a similar scenario recently (possibly still are as we dont seem to have resolved anything). We would live fairly close and dc's would come and go between us equally.

I dont have the answer, wish I did, but I hope it works out whatever you decide, let us know what u decide (will be watching with interest) I wish you loads of luck, its hard i know

[expatinscotland]

our old downstairs neighbour and her husband did this.

he moved to another part of the building - it was in an L shape and we were in the small part of the L. he moved to the longer bit.

they have not divorced, they don't see any need, and their son enjoys a good, flexible custody arrangement between them.

[Monkeytrousers]

God, you know this saga more than most Expat so you'll know that we do care about each other. I am just thinking that he thinks we will never split up, we will just grin and bear it and so that gives him no incentive to address the problems. I can just feel my life slipping away though and I know I will leave him and the relationship eventually if he can't face up the the 'ishoos' but it doesn;t have to be a forecone conclusion...yet

[Monkeytrousers]

Of course I am hoping that he will suddenly see me from afar (well across the street) and have an epiphany about what he could lose and so decide to go for counselling or sommit. God, I sound so soft

I can very well imagine us as friends - living in close proximity (but not together) - the real issue with that is if we could afford it.

[Monkeytrousers]

So Mosschops, you have lived apart but are back in the same house now?

I wouldn';t move back in unless I was sure DP understood what the problems were rather than just playing along like he does now in the hope things will get better by magic.

[Goober]

I personally would make a clean break/give it my all to continue. This idea seems like torture.
Hey, it's your life.

[expatinscotland]

Then I think for your benefit mostly, MT, I'd give moving out a try, especially combined with the counselling you're already getting.

If anything, it will do some good for you, which in turn will do some good for the child you have together.

It can work, it has for our neighbour/pal.

[expatinscotland]

Sorry, thought I'd read you were getting some counselling. But I think it's a good idea to go on your own if you aren't already and/or he won't go along.

[Monkeytrousers]

No offence Goober, but how we are living now is torture. That's why we need desperate measures and the advice of people who understand that.

Cheers expat. Hwo's that wriggling boygrub in your tummy doing?

[expatinscotland]

I'm feeding him falafel just now.

Is it a short-assured tenancy? Six months could buy you some valuable breathing space.

[wannaBe]

it depends how the moving out arrangement would work IMO.

If you move out, will you consider that you are separated? free to see other people? or will it just be you moving somewhere but still being together, iyswim?

I think often the problem with trial separations is that once people are free, they see a different life, and can start to enjoy that different life, and therefore the need to work on their own relationship doesn't seem as important.

[Monkeytrousers]

Yes just a 6 month. I'd still have to come here to enjoy the benefits of MN.

Soooo regretting giving all our old furniture away on Freecycle now!

[mosschops30]

no MT we havent lived apart, it always gets to the crunch and we decide not to split.
I know what you mean about playing along, thats what we seem to be forever doing.

[Monkeytrousers]

No wannaBe, seperated but focused on finding a way through this with a view of finding the connection we have long lost in all the power stuggles of the last year or so.

Even if we do end up splitting up, we are still responsible enough not to want to ruin our role of parents for DS, so other people would not be something we would be looking for. If we split up for good, I think Dp would never have another relatiohsip anyway. It's complicated to explain but if he dosn't face the problems with me, he will jsut end up inflicting them on someone else. I think he knows that.

[Monkeytrousers]

thisis a recent precis of things at the moment, for those who don't know the background.

[expatinscotland]

when it finally happens, nad you make the break and move out, it sort of hits like a ton of bricks at first, so try to be prepared for this.

you feel incredibly lonely at first and like you've made a terrible mistake, even if leaving for very good reasons.

so in these times it does help to have counselling and support in place, because these times happen.

but they do pass.

[Monkeytrousers]

I know what you mean. I made an appointment for a viewing this morning on my way to work and when I got there I couldn't find the coffee. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I needed a coffee and there wasn't any. Life wasn't fair!. I'm giggling about it now. Wasn't the coffee at all...I will be a wreak. But I have to take the risk. Two of our patients died this week and well, what with Oj's Steve and MB's current predicament, I am feeling the crush of life and want to live it. I hope that doesn't sound exploitative or selfish to anyone.

[mosschops30]

MT Im a nurse (almost) and feel like that constantly, that life is precious, for living and you should just do everything you can. This is a huge issue with dh

[Monkeytrousers]

..and one of my oldest girlfriends (same age) has cancer and she was staying in an unhappy relationship never thinking this could happen to her...I can feel mortality on my shoulder

[Monkeytrousers]

Oh Mosschops how terrible for you. For the first time in ages I woke up in a cold sweat last night, my heart racing - it wasn;t a panic attack just a kind of 'how do I get out' attack...but I really don't want to suffer this to the point where I do ever have a panic attack. I have to take care of myself for DS. Dp can shut off his emotions (well with pharacutical help), this is one of the major problems I really never want to become as adept at it than he is!

[expatinscotland]

i don't think it's selfish or exploitive at all to want to take a risk on happiness.

i think it's pretty brave, tbh.

it's not an impulsive or irrational decision on your part, this has been a long time in the works and you have tried, tried and tried.

so perhaps time to try a new tack.

[Monkeytrousers]

I do have terrible fantasies about male aquaintances to divert me from too much negative thinking though. That's abotu as unfaithful as I have ever been or ever will be. I can thankfully always distinguish between fantasy and reality