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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me or him?

15 replies

TakeTheBiscuits · 18/04/2024 10:38

I have been with my partner for over 10 years. We have a toddler together and 2 older children that are mine from a previous relationship.

Our relationship is far from perfect
. We are never intimate with one another - since having the baby i have absolutely no drive to do anything along those lines. I guess I probably need to go to the Drs and speak to them. I have the merina coil which has only made this issue worse too, but I need the coil as I have a health condition and it is managing the symptoms really well.
Equally I find my partners moods are becoming more and more impossible to live with. He is just absolutely miserable. I feel this especially around me. Like he is lovely to our son one second but in the next breath so meh and uninterested with me. I try to talk to him and get 1 word answers. I ask him if something is wrong and get glared at. His whole persona towards me is just off but he won't talk about what is wrong.
He has also become so negative about everything. Moans about everything. He has become like victor meldrew. He is a decade older than me so I don't know if that makes a difference? Maybe we are just in different stages of our lives?Maybe he is having some kind of midlife crisis? Maybe he finds me immature? Who knows, he won't tell me anything.

I have tried on so many occasions to broach this with him but he gets cross and says I am nagging him or that he's told me nothing is wrong so I need to drop it but his behaviour and body language is so contradictory to this.
We have both agreed we need some time for ourselves as a couple but it will only happen if I plan it which irks me. I feel like its all on me to fix this......which I want to do but I want him to want it, I want him to make an effort. i want him to behave like he actually likes me. Right now his facial expressions towards me are like he's just sniffed a cat poo.
It doesn't exactly make me want to be intimate with him when he is being like this towards me either.

I just wondered what peoples feelings would be on this. I don't really know what to do. I just keep thinking if he is so insistent that nothing is wrong then maybe I am the problem.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 18/04/2024 10:56

I couldn't live like this. Does he even like you? If he has such disdain for you why doesn't he leave? He shouldn't be treating you like this.

Seaoftroubles · 18/04/2024 11:02

There's an old saying, men need sex to feel loved whilst women need love to want sex. I think there's a grain of truth in this as if you are not interested in intimacy he is going to feel increasingly cold towards you and this could well be reflected in his behaviour.
Perhaps start by arranging a simple meal or drink out together and go from there. If you want to have more time together as a couple someone has to make the first move or you will just stay stuck.

Original poster
TakeTheBiscuits · 18/04/2024 11:48

That saying is very interesting. I think you are right, we are a bit stuck in a stale mate at the moment. I will try and organise something for this weekend and see if it helps.

we need a really frank conversation but he gets so offended and takes everything so personally that its hard to be constructive.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/04/2024 12:15

It’s not you, it’s him. I would seriously consider if this is a relationship you want to remain in because he won’t make any effort.

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 12:20

I just wondered what peoples feelings would be on this

Why? Are your own feelings not enough?

What is your list of feelings about your relationship and partner, currently?

MrsSlocombesCat · 18/04/2024 12:37

I always think if you have doubts about a relationship you shouldn’t be in it. Tell him you’re unhappy and that you think he should leave. See what he says to that. You can’t carry on with this it’s not fair on any of you.

danitheastrologer · 18/04/2024 13:29

Sounds like you both need to make more of an effort to be honest.

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 13:31

Seaoftroubles · 18/04/2024 11:02

There's an old saying, men need sex to feel loved whilst women need love to want sex. I think there's a grain of truth in this as if you are not interested in intimacy he is going to feel increasingly cold towards you and this could well be reflected in his behaviour.
Perhaps start by arranging a simple meal or drink out together and go from there. If you want to have more time together as a couple someone has to make the first move or you will just stay stuck.

Someone has made the first move.

I have tried on so many occasions to broach this with him but he gets cross and says I am nagging him or that he's told me nothing is wrong so I need to drop it

Why the hell would 'a simple meal or drink' stop him from being an arsehole to OP? And why should she be the one to instigate the change, when she's tried to talk to him?

He doesn't want to accept or resolve an issue, and will insult OP to avoid discussing her feelings. It doesn't really scream 'take me out to dinner!', does it?

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 13:32

danitheastrologer · 18/04/2024 13:29

Sounds like you both need to make more of an effort to be honest.

What effort does OP need to make? I hope it's not 'Give the unpleasant man more sex, and hopefully he'll be nice to you'?

Seaoftroubles · 18/04/2024 13:42

There could be several different reasons why he is so grumpy and miserable but without a frank conversation you won't know. If its lack of intimacy then at least you have something to work towards.
I suggest you also tell him you are unhappy, and bring up the idea of separation, then see how he responds. Find out if he actually wants to try to repair the relationship before you even try to fix it.

beatrix1234 · 18/04/2024 13:43

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 13:32

What effort does OP need to make? I hope it's not 'Give the unpleasant man more sex, and hopefully he'll be nice to you'?

Show quote history

This. A relationship is between two people, both need to want to make it work, both need to make the effort and sounds like not the case here. OP is reaching to her partner and wanting to engage into some sort of meaningful conversation to sort this out while he is emotionally clamming up and sulking doing the passive aggressive thing. A normal person would sit down with OP and tell her what’s bothering him but sounds like he’d rather control her by giving her the silent treatment and making her miserable. It’s a very narcissistic thing to do, and toxic.

Causewerethespecialtwo · 18/04/2024 13:50

Do you even like him anymore? Would you want to stay with him if things could get back on track?

A relationship needs both partners to make effort to keep it alive. If you want to try save it and get back to how it used to be, then I think he needs a very frank conversation - either he agrees to really make an effort, talks about what is going wrong for him, agrees to go to counselling with you …………. Or it’s definitely over.

I certainly could not stay in the situation you describe.

Seaoftroubles · 18/04/2024 14:10

@Watchkeys the OP says they have no intimacy and has no sex drive since her last child was born. Of course that may not be the reason he's difficult and he may just be a grumpy old man, but obviously lack of intimacy can often be a cause of unhappiness and friction. The OP had already mentioned they were planning more couple time but didn't want to be the one to arrange it. l was just encouraging her so they could hopefully have a frank discussion. It would also help her decide if she wants to separate or not.

beatrix1234 · 18/04/2024 14:30

Seaoftroubles · 18/04/2024 14:10

@Watchkeys the OP says they have no intimacy and has no sex drive since her last child was born. Of course that may not be the reason he's difficult and he may just be a grumpy old man, but obviously lack of intimacy can often be a cause of unhappiness and friction. The OP had already mentioned they were planning more couple time but didn't want to be the one to arrange it. l was just encouraging her so they could hopefully have a frank discussion. It would also help her decide if she wants to separate or not.

He may be grumpy because he’s not getting laid like you said (it’s possible, who knows) but the issue here is that he’s unable to communicate and tell his partner why he’s grumpy, instead he chooses to give her the passive aggressive silent treatment, and that’s the real issue, not the lack of sex it’s the lack of communication.

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 19:43

Seaoftroubles · 18/04/2024 14:10

@Watchkeys the OP says they have no intimacy and has no sex drive since her last child was born. Of course that may not be the reason he's difficult and he may just be a grumpy old man, but obviously lack of intimacy can often be a cause of unhappiness and friction. The OP had already mentioned they were planning more couple time but didn't want to be the one to arrange it. l was just encouraging her so they could hopefully have a frank discussion. It would also help her decide if she wants to separate or not.

So the way to get your spouse to have a frank discussion with you is to keep being the one to make the effort, after you've explained to them several times that you'd like a frank discussion, and they've told you you're a nag, and to 'drop it'?

Fuck that! If partners can't say 'I need us to have a talk' and have a respectful talk as a result, there's a big communication problem. If it results in insults, minimisation of their feelings and silencing, they need to separate.

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