Relationship trauma when undiagnosed ND, partner shouting and swearing and scaring me.

[Rainbow03]

Who is at fault here?

I don’t like kissing too much. At the time of the relationship, which lasted 10 years and I’ve always felt abusive I was undiagnosed. I felt like something was wrong with me because I didn’t like kissing, I was unaware about the autism. My husband was pissed off with me because he loved kissing. He used to shout and tell me I needed therapy, I was making him depressed because he felt unloved. He scared me an awful lot with his shouting. This is one of many examples of things he used to shout and swear at me about. I tried to push myself into doing things I really didn’t want for him so he didn’t shout but this just caused trauma for me. I thought I should have been doing these things as he told me and I always assumed they were just what normal people do. To be fair non ND people find these things enjoyable.

Was her wrong or was I?

[Rainbow03]

Sorry meant to say was he wrong or I

[Opentooffers]

No doubt you were the same you at the start of the 10 years, so he knew what you did and didn't like from the beginning. That is when you decide if a person is on the same page as you. You can't go forcing someone to be the same as yourself, and clearly shouting in an attempt to change someone's behaviour, is very wrong and abusive.

[Singleandproud]

It doesn't matter that you have autism or whether you knew at the time or not. Anyone is allowed to not like something and this should be respected, if that doesn't work for the other person then they have the right to end the relationship for any reason. What they don't have the right to do is shout, swear, verbally abused and coerce someone.

The chances are that due to being autistic you appeared vulnerable in someway perhaps with a lower self esteem than other people and he partially targeted you for that as is common for abusive people when finding the next target for their abuse whether they are conscious of the decision or not.

[Rainbow03]

Yes I was the same at the start and at the end. Well at the end I was much more of a mess mentally. But I did tell him at the beginning I was a bit different. He said he was a bit different also and all was ok but very quickly it was all not ok. I know a lot of the things I don’t like are considered normal and no not knowing I was ND I though I was just faulty really.

[AdoraBell]

Regardless of anyone being ND it is wrong to shout/swear and frighten a person for a person to change to what you want. So your husband is wrong.

This is abuse.

[PollyOttle]

Also ND and don't like kissing. My partner respects that and would not in a million years shout or swear at me about it. Yes, your (ex?) husband was abusive.

[Rainbow03]

@PollyOttle he said I made him hate himself and feel unloved. I told him over and over that the problem was me and not because I didn’t love him.

[AnnaMagnani]

The autism is irrelevant. If he needs to be with someone who likes kissing he should have dumped you after a few weeks. Not carried on and shouted at you.

[Shoxfordian]

He shouldnt have stayed with you all that time. He's the problem, not you

[Singleandproud]

@Rainbow03 your preferences are not a problem, you are not faulty. The fact that you are incompatible with your preferences is a problem and he (or you) should have ended the relationship when he realised it was an issue instead of blaming yourself.

You still call him your husband so presumably you are still together, you need to unapologetically state and maintain your boundaries, and if those aren't boundaries he is willing to stick to then you divorce and go your separate ways that is fine. Then before getting into another relationship have some therapy to work on your self esteem and ensure that you end incompatible relationships when they don't work for you.

[Rainbow03]

Sorry he is an ex, a few years now. But I’m looking back after having my diagnosis.