Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter gone no contact.

47 replies

Dontknowhowtodo · 17/04/2024 06:38

Our daughter’s partner convinced her to moved out. It’s a year since she has talked to us.
Im finding it increasingly difficult to cope. I’m trying to focus on my own stuff but I’m finding more and more I just can’t seem to get anything done.
DH is also struggling and although we are trying not to let it affect our marriage, it is.
friends say,‘she’d have moved out anyway’ then post pictures of their child’s birthdays. No one gets it. It’s like she’s died but we can’t grieve, we just keep hoping.
what can I do?

OP posts:
tribpot · 17/04/2024 06:43

Has she actually told you not to contact her? What happens when you do?

It sounds extremely distressing, I'm not sure why your friends think this is the same situation as a child leaving home.

Do you think your daughter's partner is deliberately isolating her from family? Is she still in touch with her friends?

Josette77 · 17/04/2024 06:44

Do you know where she is living? How old is she?

Dontjudgeme101 · 17/04/2024 06:46

I am so sorry to hear that op. 💐💐💐

Landlubber2019 · 17/04/2024 06:47

How was your relationship a year ago? Did something happen?

Families will often become estranged after a number of issues, can you reflect on why this estrangement has come about?

I was estranged from a family member for years, it was not my choice and whilst it was difficult at times, my life was still good and much calmer as a result. When we reconnected as a family, it took a lot for everyone's walls to come down and reflect on their contribution to the breakdown, as I say it wasn't one thing.

Perhaps writing a letter to your daughter, tell her that you love and miss her and welcome the opportunity to grab a coffee together! If she doesn't respond, you need to be patient and move forward with your own future.

IAmThe1AndOnly · 17/04/2024 07:00

What’s your daughter’s version?

Loubelle70 · 17/04/2024 07:04

My daughter did this, usually when she couldn't get her own way or when i adhered to my boundaries. She was spoiled to my own detriment. However, her ex husband was the catalyst...once they divorced she was back. I wrote her a heartfelt letter and left her with it. Thats all you can do.

mindthespace · 17/04/2024 07:06

IAmThe1AndOnly · 17/04/2024 07:00

What’s your daughter’s version?

You can quite clearly read the OP distress in her message. What kind of person can't show some empathy at the start.

AgentJohnson · 17/04/2024 07:08

Your op isn’t really clear, has your daughter gone no contact or has she just moved out?

Motnight · 17/04/2024 07:10

Loubelle70 · 17/04/2024 07:04

My daughter did this, usually when she couldn't get her own way or when i adhered to my boundaries. She was spoiled to my own detriment. However, her ex husband was the catalyst...once they divorced she was back. I wrote her a heartfelt letter and left her with it. Thats all you can do.

I think that this is great advice.

Keep the door open for your DD to return, Op, let her know that you love her and leave her alone for now.

Original poster
Dontknowhowtodo · 17/04/2024 07:10

Thank you. No, she’s cut off her old friends.
i think she may be being manipulated but may not realise.
I know sort of, what she thinks, but have had no chance to discuss.

OP posts:
Epidote · 17/04/2024 07:18

OP, this is hard, specially if you suspect he is isolating her. Can you open even a small chanel of communication, let say the odd text on Facebook. If your suspicious are correct she is going to need you because usually there is more after the isolation.
As much as it hurts, can you keep that contact casual to keep and eye.
I'm sorry I can't be of much help but I completely get how you are feeling.

Loubelle70 · 17/04/2024 07:20

Dontknowhowtodo · 17/04/2024 07:10

Thank you. No, she’s cut off her old friends.
i think she may be being manipulated but may not realise.
I know sort of, what she thinks, but have had no chance to discuss.

Just send her am email and a letter whereas you know for sure she will receive it without it being intercepted

Josette77 · 17/04/2024 07:20

What is it she thinks happened?

Also how old is she?

Original poster
Dontknowhowtodo · 17/04/2024 07:24

Thank you. I’m concerned that whatever I write will be analysed and found wanting. A good long while ago she texted that she knows we love her.
but yes, this sounds sensible. I really do love her, whatever she does. I thought we had a good relationship. I took her out and the partner came too and I thought they were nice. My daughter was so pleased at that. And then this. I never thought I’d be rejected like this. I’ve left her alone for a year now.

I’m so sorry your daughter went through this, how brave of her to get divorced and come back to you.

*Motnight · Today 07:10
Loubelle70 · Today 07:04

‘My daughter did this, usually when she couldn't get her own way or when i adhered to my boundaries. She was spoiled to my own detriment. However, her ex husband was the catalyst...once they divorced she was back. I wrote her a heartfelt letter and left her with it. Thats all you can do.’

I think that this is great advice.

Keep the door open for your DD to return, Op, let her know that you love her and leave her alone for now.*

OP posts:
Yirk · 17/04/2024 07:26

May I suggest if you know where your daughter is living / working that you visit to check she is ok.
It's harder to ignore someone face to face and hopefully you and your partner will be able to have a conversation with her. Good Luck.

IAmThe1AndOnly · 17/04/2024 07:30

mindthespace · 17/04/2024 07:06

You can quite clearly read the OP distress in her message. What kind of person can't show some empathy at the start.

Show quote history

OP has said that she thinks she knows why her DD has gone NC.

She has also said that she doesn’t want to elaborate because of people’s reactions.

Maybe the daughter is being manipulated, maybe the daughter has legitimate reasons for having gone no contact, or maybe there is middle ground where a discussion could defuse the situation.

The boards are full of posters who have had difficult upbringings or difficult situations with family members and who have felt the only way to resolve is to distance themselves.

people don’t go no contact lightly. And if the OP had a part to play then owning that could be the route to regaining the relationship.

caringcarer · 17/04/2024 07:36

If it's not just parents but all old friends she's gone non contact with I'd suspect she's being isolated on purpose by her bf. He's probably controlling her. Could you catch her at work if you know where she works or leave a message at her work for her to text you when she's on her own. Tell her you love her and you are still her safety net and if she wants to meet up for a quick coffee you'd like that and could meet up where she wanted. Let her know she can always come home.

Original poster
Dontknowhowtodo · 17/04/2024 08:57

Hi yirk Yes, I have considered it many times. I’ve even walked past there.
We’ve been advised not to - apparently they can call the police and we will be in trouble. If she is in a

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowhowtodo · 17/04/2024 08:57

Oops pressed the wrong button

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowhowtodo · 17/04/2024 09:56

Thanks. I’m more than prepared to own my mistakes. If I get a chance!
caring That’s a good idea. She won’t, but I’ll give it a go.

OP posts:
needsomewarmsunshine · 17/04/2024 10:06

We had a falling out over dd's constant dramas lying about her childhood [no evidence of anything] then about bf [now dh] about 5 years ago, she cut the whole family off. My other dd makes contact sometimes through fb so we know she's okay.
Things have moved on, but she has lied so much in the past about everything, she probably doesn't know the truth anymore about the past.

Precipice · 17/04/2024 11:45

Yirk · 17/04/2024 07:26

May I suggest if you know where your daughter is living / working that you visit to check she is ok.
It's harder to ignore someone face to face and hopefully you and your partner will be able to have a conversation with her. Good Luck.

Yikes. Don't do this, OP.

Even if you perceive it to be irrational - though your comment above about knowing some of what she thinks suggests that she has some grievance and is upset - she has apparently made it clear she doesn't want to see you. The response to this is not to force your presence on her in a way she can't avoid. That's disrespectful of her and her wishes. It is likely to lead not to reconciliation, but to further resentment.

Your efforts at reconciliation should be aimed around reassuring her that you love her and that you'd like to meet and discuss things calmly with the aim of building a better relationship. This may involve you apologising and making a commitment to do something differently in the future. This has to be something both of you can agree to do.

Spirallingdownwards · 17/04/2024 11:52

Dontknowhowtodo · 17/04/2024 08:57

Hi yirk Yes, I have considered it many times. I’ve even walked past there.
We’ve been advised not to - apparently they can call the police and we will be in trouble. If she is in a

Why would anyone be in trouble with the police for calling on their grown up child unless there is some form of back story? I am sorry that something has happened that has made your child decide to take the drastic steps of going non contact but in a situation where you will be in trouble with the police if you call on her noone can really advise without knowing what happened and merely express that they are sorry that things have ended up this way. You have even said you are prepared to accept your mistakes which again suggests something has happened.

If you want to share people may be able to make relevant suggestions as to how to "fix things ". In the absence of knowing what happened we can merely say its a shame things are like this.

Startingagainandagain · 17/04/2024 12:04

If there isn't a backstory and you had a good relationship until recently I would be concerned that her partner is controlling and has made her cut contacts with friends and relatives.

Not much you can do unfortunately.

Maybe try to get a letter and/or email to her highlighting your worries and stating that you will be there for her if/when she chooses to make contact.

Hopefully if the partner is the issue she will come to her senses sooner or later and leave him.

DeeCeeCherry · 17/04/2024 12:10

It's hard to advise, really.

I am NC with my Mother, for many reasons due to her behaviour. However her version to other people is that she's a lovely Mother - she isn't, at all - & that Im at fault. She caused me so much anxiety during my growing up years, and beyond. Once I'd gone NC I really wished I'd done it earlier.
I bump into her very occasionally and I'm civil, can have a chat. But I dont want her in my life. Maybe you could visit your DD's workplace and speak with her there. But bear in mind it may not be that her partner is manipulating her.