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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm struggling to move past the hurt

5 replies

ThisLoftyLilacShark · 16/04/2024 21:31

My relationship ended ages ago, it wasn't a sudden breakup. I was the one dumped, even though I wanted the breakup some time before it happened. Although I don't feel like I have the right to feel the way I do, because it wasn't a long term relationship. During the relationship I was bullied, degraded and neglected. I felt really unheard, and they seemed incapable of having a conversation. There wasn't anything particularly special about the relationship. I haven't even began to feel 'over' the hurt they caused me, I feel as strongly as I did when it occurred. I know the relationship is over. I know the importance of forgiving and letting go, and I know it is damaging me to hold on. I have vented to friends, journaled endlessly about all of the ways they were awful, and everything that was rubbish about the relationship. When I think about them I feel disgusted, and wonder what I ever saw in them. I have put myself on the outside looking in and imagined what I would say to a friend going through the same thing, and what I would want them to do. I have set up habits of self care, and I have found new hobbies. But my mind still wanders. I am very easily reminded of things that happened, and triggered as I still feel really intensely about it all. You would think I had no friends or nothing to do, I still ruminate about it everyday, and it's exhausting. It's even worse that they're not sorry, think I deserved it and couldn't care less about my wellbeing. What does it mean to 'be over' someone and how do I begin to get to that point?

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 16/04/2024 21:37

When you are 'over' someone you begin to see them for what they were, not what you felt about them previously. You realise you are better off without them and you use your experiences and new knowledge wisely to make healthier choices and boundaries. You don't beat yourself up about it.

Just start by thanking your lucky stars that you are rid of this one - however it came about. You are better off.

He sounds nasty and abusive.

You'll get there, one foot in front of the other. Just keep edging forwards and creating distance between you and the bad relationship. It's over, you are free.

Gettoachiro · 01/06/2024 05:11

Trythisforsize got it spot on

I would also say you don't need to forgive, apart from yourself. Forgive yourself for things you now wish you could have done differently, be it not getting out of the relationship or for accepting at the time the bad things that were happening.

You may get triggered in the future when you least expect it, or get reminded of things, but if and when you do, remember that you are so much better now that you are free from it.

Reinforce that every time, you are better now that you are free from it.

Rose91572 · 01/06/2024 06:59

This is typical of abuse and thats why its abuse and many people of all genders have suffered in this way. Womens aid wouldn't exist if we could just laugh it off. Its not easy to get over because its trauma. These relationships tend to get intense and mkve fast. You feel confused and anxious. You spend alot of time feeling you cant talk and you worry about lies, cheating and then you spiral into self doubt. Even though the abuse is real during the middle of it all everything is so unclear. They may "disappear" and fall out with you over fresh air and you wonder why they seem to hate you. Why nobody else reacts to you like this. You end up trying to work our truths and become hyper sensitive to all of it. Whats real? Whats not. It literally alters your brain chemistry.

I did this for 8 months every single day and then he returned and i went back to him again. Because no matter how much i talked, journeled, cried and moved on i was so friggin unhappy. Because hed turned my world upside down and showed me how ugly and cruel it was. Its trauma! Even a therapist couldnt fix me. Its really hard and im sorry you are hurting. X

susiemamma · 01/06/2024 07:09

Please look up trauma bond. This will help you to understand how you feel.
You will get there but it takes time.

Celynfour · 01/06/2024 07:18

I had one of these . It just took time . When I think about it now ,I can see it for what it was and am glad it’s over even tho I deeply regret the relationship . Counselling would have helped
Be kind to yourself

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