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Is my husband a narcissist and should I leave him?

22 replies

PoisedPearlBee · 16/04/2024 21:24

Do I need to leave?

Please be kind with your responses. I have been through a lot in the last few years including a very close bereavement and it has been all I could do to focus on one thing at a time.

Recently I have reached an epiphany where I realised that my husband is abusive and I believe, a narcissist.

We have been married almost 5 years and have two kids together. He has been increasingly abusive - including frequent physical abuse that will leave visible bruises on my arms. During arguments he shouts at me aggressively and puts me down calling me fat, telling me to shut my fat mouth, saying he could have done better than me, I’m not doing ‘my job’ as a wife and mother, I’m a useless effing c etc etc.

I also believe there is financial abuse. He took the lead with finances and admin from the beginning and whilst I don’t like dealing with that stuff I’d always done it myself when I was single and expected to be included in discussions and privy to information that concerned us both. However, he has taken control of everything to the point that I don’t know what bank accounts he has, how much money is in them - I have no access. I don’t know what our household outgoings are. Yet everything is in my name including the mortgage and car. There is also a credit card that has been maxed out (also in my name). He told me I should use it for all household related spendings during my first maternity leave and he would pay the balance each month in full. Turned out he was paying the minimum and now we are in extreme credit card debt and I can’t even access the account to know what’s going on.

After snooping in his email account that was left signed in (I felt there was something he wasn’t being honest about) I discovered that the week of our wedding a court date had to be rescheduled for the re possession of his flat due to not making payments. I didn’t have a clue about any of this. He avoid re possession but I could have married the guy and come back from honeymoon with nowhere to live!

I have no money and I’m in debt as a result of him not being willing to discuss finances and having to pay for things out of my overdraft and credit cards. He knows this would be a barrier to me leaving. How can I leave when I don’t have a penny to my name and nowhere to go? I have no family support which suits him very well.

I would consider taking the kids and moving country where I could avail of a good expat package that would include accommodation etc and hopefully sell the house to pay off our debts. I’m worried he has a lot more personal debt than he is letting on.

Anyway, would moving away break my eldest (my youngest is just a baby) It would be a massive change and he loves his Dad so much. Furthermore, I think my husband would be extreme shock as I’ve always threatened to leave but I don’t think he believes I ever would. I also worry for his mental health - that the shame of having his wife leave him would be more than he could cope with.

There is so much swirling through my head. Some days I think we can make it work but increasingly I know I have to leave. I just don’t know how. And I’m scared to face the grief and the shame. I like being married. As badly as he has abused me I still love him. Bizarre.

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Sleepingallday · 16/04/2024 21:32

Your last two paragraphs I could have written myself… in a similar situation with questioning whether to leave here. So I feel for you!

It does sound like you’re at the end of your tether and maybe ready to leave, very hard to consider doing with young kids I know. from what you’ve written he does sound very controlling especially with the finances, and the fact he’s bruised you is absolutely not on and for that alone you would be fully justified to leave.

I hope you can find some strength to do what’s best for you and your kids. All the best