If you think it's abuse...

[KeepSmiling89]

...it quite probably is.

I just read another thread on MN asking if a husband/partner's behaviour is abusive. Chances are, if you have to ask that question, it is abusive. If you're in any doubt at all, call your local Women's Aid and get support straight away. In any healthy relationship, there should be no doubt at all as to whether there is abusive behaviour or not. I say this from personal experience as I escaped an abusive marriage just over a year ago.

Does anyone else feel like this whenever they see a thread title asking if a man's behaviour is abusive?

[Epidote]

Most of the time. I think most of the women who open a thread like that are looking for reassurance that they are not loosing their minds, but deep down they know.

[Imgoingtobefree]

I agree with you and the above poster.

But I think there are times when you have been told by the abuser for so long and so many times that you are the one with the problem.

You take that all on board and you end up believing them, but you are still getting upset and hurt at their behaviour. Your head tells you one thing (because they’ve convinced you with their lies), but your heart and guts tell you another.

You can live with this dissonance for years, then you see a therapist (as I did), or go on mumsnet, and suddenly you see the truth and all the ill fitting jigsaw pieces miraculously fall into place.

[MoonWoman69]

Yes I know what you mean. I often wonder with the younger generation if it stems from a lack of confidence in themselves and/or a certain naivety? I would have certainly known when I was younger, if I was being abused or gaslighted. But we're not all the same I suppose.
In slightly older women, could it be that they've been enduring the abuse in such small amounts for so long, that there is a sudden realisation when it's built up, that there is a problem? And by which time they're so confused that they're questioning their every thought?
Whichever way, if you're thinking it, something has led to that question and yes, it's probably abuse.

[KeepSmiling89]

@Epidote and @Imgoingtobefree I totally agree.
It wasn't until I had my DD that I realised I was being emotionally abused and controlled by my ex. My manager actually sat me down and talked to me about it one day (that's when I realised something wasn't right). I contacted Women's Aid then I my mum soon after that and opened up to her about it all (part of my ex's control was that my mum wasn't allowed to have any contact with our DD because she never really liked him). She knew all along it was him calling the shots and controlling things and has been an absolute rock to me since then!

[Cas112]

Even so, I'd rather they start a thread so they can get some reassurance and support

[cerisepanther73]

Yes totally agree too

Mumsnet Website
Is a real God send to women like this,


Wish i had this kind of thing many many years ago,

[KeepSmiling89]

Oh don't get me wrong - MN is a brilliant safe space for women who do need that support and reassurance.
I have just noticed that it's more likely that the poster is being abused rather than overreacting. It shocks me how often I see posts asking things like "Is my partner abusive?", "Is this abuse?" etc

9 times out of 10, it's clear from the first couple of lines of the poster's examples that he/she is being abused.

[fromaytobe]

Yes, and most of the time whenever you see a thread titled 'Am I in the wrong? or 'Am I being too sensitive?' you know before you open it that the poor woman has an abusive bastard making her life intolerable.

[cerisepanther73]

Agree totally 100 💯 @fromaytobe @KeepSmiling89

[Epidote]

Absolutely, I was one of the ladies who didn't open a thread but absorbed all the advice and knowledge that was in others thread to just be able to follow my guts. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what or who.
Now I know, MN is been really helpful, that is why I don't mind, even if i always repite myself to pop on those threads and left my humble contribution.
Makes me sad to see them, because they are far too many, but I think, if those ladies are asking, is because they had already identified that there is a problem. That is the first step.

[cerisepanther73]

@MoonWoman69

Did you have good family parents dynamics so you just knew and trust in your instincts more 🤔 etc?

even when you were younger teenager or in twenties?

Would you tell a friend or a family member if you were concerned they were in abusive type of relationship or friendship ?

[AdamRyan]

Most threads with a question in the title on relationships have an answer that's fairly obvious without even opening the thread.

MN is a great place for women to learn about abuse. It's an antidote to the drip-drip of "innocent until proven guilty, marriage takes work, I'm sure he didn't mean it, two sides to every story" that women grow up with and internalise.

[MyDentistIsCalledCrentist]

Absolutely, you're right. It almost always is abuse.

That said, I think MN can sometimes have the opposite effect of being useful. I feel like it's obvious that these people just want a voice of clarity and someone to be on their side. But often you get very aggressive PPs saying things like oh you'll never leave, or didn't you start a thread about this previously, or demanding that they run out of the door immediately without taking any time to understand the complexity of why abuse victims are entangled in the situation and can't immediately extricate themselves from finances, housing, childcare, and the obligation and guilt they feel.

Personally, I would like MN to warn PPs not to scold vulnerable women. But whether that would be effective or not is impossible to say, because of course PPs believe they're being helpful.

[Watchkeys]

I think it doesn't matter, because it's not about the partner, it's about the poster. If someone is posting 'Is this abuse?', it's because they feel abused.

They need to leave the relationship without further analysing the partner's behaviour. They need to recognise that healthy relationships don't have this question in them, and so they're not in a healthy relationship.

[MoonWoman69]

@cerisepanther73
I was an only child and I didn't see a lot of my dad, as he was always working during the day and going off to renovate a property he'd bought after tea. We spent weekends and holidays all together until mum and dad split up in 1978. There was no DV or abuse in the marriage, other things just happened. I was loved by both my mum and dad. They raised me well.
I always had an old head on young shoulders, so I think my instinct was natural really.
I have before and definitely would again, tell a friend if I suspected they were in an abusive relationship.
As my dear long departed mum always said, the onlooker sees more of the game, and I have never forgotten that!
I think when people are so wrapped up in a situation, it's hard to see what's wrong and right sometimes.

[Imgoingtobefree]

I posted earlier in the thread that it wasn’t until I saw a therapist that it really registered with me that my husband WAS abusive. All I knew was I was unhappy and he didn’t accept he was in anyway at fault.

I started coming onto mumsnet after my divorce had started, but was still living in the marital home with him and the bullying from him really ramped up.

Over time I read various posts by other women who would describe something very similar to what I had been enduring. Time and time again I would see MN women responding with anger and disgust at what that other poor woman was having to put up with. It helped me see that my feelings were perfectly normal.

I remember one poster describing how her husband wouldn’t take a door key with him when he went out, and just expected her to be in when he returned. My husband did similar, went to the pub and expected me to leave the house unlocked when I went to bed. MN collectively said he was a dick. That helped me so much.

My husband ticked so many boxes, and every time MN told the original poster her partner was out of order, I felt vindicated for all the years I had suffered in silence.

So Thankyou MN.

[MoonWoman69]

That's heartbreaking that you had to go through that @Imgoingtobefree but you must have felt such a relief coming on here and it's obviously helped you. I'm hoping you're in a good place now 🌷