Daughter in crisis. Don’t know what to do

[BasketWeavers]

Very long story short DD15 has struggled since around the age of 6, violence towards the family, struggling with MH, school refusal. I’m a lone parent as XH was abusive. We’ve had every service involved over the years. Most of these actually made things worse so she has a deep mistrust of ‘services’. She was diagnosed ASD at age 11.

The last year things have turned a corner for her when she started an early college placement, is doing really well and made friends. She also started her first relationship with a 16yo boy. He’s ASD too and it seems really volatile. She adores him but they argue a lot and she is very often in tears. A couple of weeks ago, she took a small overdose after they argued but luckily no damage was done afaik.

Around a month ago, her hair started falling out. At first I didn’t realise anything was seriously wrong but it quickly started accelerating and she has lost around 2/3rds of her hair at this point. You can see her scalp. I’ve taken her to doctors, hair loss specialists, researched hair loss etc. so we’re doing all the practical things but she is absolutely distraught and it’s severely impacting her MH. She doesn’t want to go out in public and has stopped attending college. Her resilience, which was low to start with, is now rock bottom and even small things going wrong is leading to meltdowns and severe distress.

She came home tonight from seeing her BF and fell asleep early. She woke up at 2am absolutely distraught, wailing, shouting and throwing things. She keeps saying she wants to die. She was also pulling at her hair and more has come out. It’s taken me an hour and a half to calm her down so hopefully she will go back to sleep now. She isn’t giving me the full story but it sounds like they’ve fallen out again.

I really don’t know what to do to help her. I have a lot going on too and with my younger DD, fairly sure I’m depressed at the moment and I’m only just about holding things together. I feel like I did all those years ago when she was younger and everything seemed so bleak and scary. I don’t know if there’s anything anyone can say to help but it’s helped to write it down.

[octoberfarm]

Oh love, I don't have any useful advice but didn't want to read and run. That sounds like an awful lot to be dealing with alone. Is a wig an option? It may give her enough of a boost to get her attending college again, which might hopefully then have a trickle down effect to help everything else. Obviously that's only a small part of things but maybe it could help. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Sending you the biggest unmumsnetty hug

[Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman]

@BasketWeavers I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. You sound like a really lovely mum looking after her. Please if you haven’t done so already make sure to look after yourself. Go to the doctors for your depression and get medication if you need.

Can you talk to your daughter about relationships? Maybe discuss how it is better to leave a relationship that is not making you happy. I’m sure more people with better knowledge than me will answer.

[Octavia64]

My DD has adhd.

She often struggles to wash her hair. She has an array of bandanas and headscarfs that she wears. They are trendy and suit her.
No-one can see the hair underneath.

However, if your DD has asd this will be about more than just her hair.

Put your oxygen mask on first. What support do you have? Can you join a group for parents of autistic teens? It does help to know others are in the same boat.

I found anti anxiety meds helped me deal with my child.

[BasketWeavers]

Thank you so much everyone for holding my hand last night. I did read your messages which helped so decided to try and get some sleep. I’m exhausted but luckily have a quiet day today. She seems much calmer this morning but is still upset.

@octoberfarm we are looking at wigs at the moment. We had a consultation last week and told the options. The quickest way is to buy an off the shelf and it will cost around £1300. We have a follow up GP appointment today so I will be asking about prescription wigs and I know there are some children’s hate loss charities but these all take time as they’re made to order and she has her GCSEs coming up soon.

I’m going to call the GP for myself today. I’m reluctant to go on medication but think I would benefit from some talking therapy. I was in therapy late last year and found it really helpful but I had to stop because I couldn’t afford the sessions any more. I’ve had a big drop in income so trying to find better paid work which I’m finding really taxing when my anxiety is through the roof and I’m so worried about my DD.

@Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman I’ve talked a lot with her about healthy relationships and coached her with how to deal with him when he’s being manipulative. She point blank refuses to break up with him though and now she knows I don’t think she should be with him, says she’s not going to tell me about their arguments so I just talk in general terms using my experience of realising my worth etc.

[BasketWeavers]

@Octavia64 unfortunately a head scarf won’t hide it as she only has a small amount in the length. I’ve been shocked at how quickly it’s happened. Her biggest fear is going completely bald as it’s not slowing down but nobody can say when it will stop.

I have my parents and a couple of friends I’ve talked about it with but I’ve had responses ranging from ‘it’s only hair, be thankful she’s not got cancer’ (thanks mum) and ‘force her to eat a better diet and break up with the BF’ (well meaning childless friend who doesn’t understand autism) so I don’t think anyone really gets it. I’ve reached out to someone I know who has suffered hair loss and they’ve been lovely but we’re not close and DD feels too shy to discuss this with someone she doesn’t know. You’ve made me think though and there is someone I know who has experience of raising autistic DC so I’ll get in touch with her.

[BasketWeavers]

She’s absolutely distraught again this evening after getting out of the shower. I’ve tried to comfort her but she kept screaming at me to get out of her room so I’m just laying in bed listening to her screaming and crying. I’m so out of my depth, I don’t know how to support her through this and she’s pushing me away 😞

[AnitaLoos]

Hi so sorry you are both going through this. It must be absolute agony for her to be losing her hair like this. Nightmarish. It might help you both to speak to this charity - and I really think your daughter should be getting a diagnosis and treatment https://www.alopecia.org.uk/News/smc-accepts-ritlecitinib-litfulo-for-use-within-nhsscotland

[Pinkie89]

2 years ago I lost around half my hair in a few months. I think this was triggered by stress although I can’t be certain. After 3/4 months it started to grow back. Since then it has continued to grow and I now have small patches of loss every now and again.

It’s really horrible to go through, especially when you’re not expecting it. Maybe the fact that stress can make it worse might be the starting point for her to see the effect that stress/depression etc is having on her body. Perhaps it could be an incentive to consider triggers for the way she’s feeling (eg the boyfriend) and consider the changes she needs to make to improve her mental, and physical help.

Root sprays are really good for disguising hair loss patches, particularly for darker hair. I’ve also heard good things about wigs off Amazon which aren’t expensive. There is an Alopecia uk support group on fb which is helpful.

I’m sorry you’re not getting more support from those around you.

[Opentooffers]

Is it possible that the increased anxiety this relationship is giving her is actually causing her to pull it out herself? You mention you have seen her do it, so this may be another MH problem to add to the list she has, rather than a medical reason.
Is your DD getting any regular counselling herself? Increased stress could be a cause in itself. It's unfortunate that she's been exposed to an unhealthy relationship so young, ASD on both sides is not a great mix, that's the risk with starting college younger, exposure to older boys sooner too. It's not easy for NT teens to work out their emotions within a relationship when 15/16, they are still working themselves out, for her it's a minefield. Not sure what you can do to prevent it, perhaps find some genuine online advice that she could watch around it, for young people in her circumstances - not the quack advisors that just want your money in exchange for BS advice. Something from bona fide MH support sites.

[newyorky09]

I just wanted to say so sorry for the difficulties you and your daughter are going through. You sound like such a lovely caring mum and must be so so hard to hear her upset and not be able to help.

This is a totally random thought but I’ve recently been listening to a podcast called hiking is my therapy about how walking/hiking in the countryside has helped people with all sorts of physical and mental health problems. I’ve found it quite helpful with some mental health struggles I’ve been having. I know your situation is very complex and there is no easy answer but I just thought I’d mention it.

[Remotely]

Sorry you're dealing with this. I had MH troubles as a teen and that's when I began pulling my own hair out, however when my parents began to notice I claimed it was 'falling out' on it's own as I was so ashamed and confused as to why I was doing it and why I physically couldn't stop, and couldn't put into words the help I needed and how I felt. Even when self inflicted it's suprising how fast you can lose half a head of hair or more. The fact you noted her pulling it when she was really upset might be an indication, as a PP said. Might be totally off the mark with this, of course.

[BasketWeavers]

Thanks so much for the help and advice and I’m sorry to hear others have experienced similar. Having read so much about hair loss now, I know that many women experience severe grief.

Her hair is definitely falling out naturally rather than being pulled out. Wherever she walks, there is a trail of hair behind her. If she gently runs her hands through her hair, handfuls come out and in her brush. She’s been in a really good place until this started so her pulling at her hair and hitting her head was part of a meltdown caused by the situation.

I think the grief is really starting to bite because she’s not got very much left at this point and it’s still falling out. She’s been saying she wants to die. I’ve been shocked at how quickly it’s happened and it’s terrifying not knowing when it will stop or if it will grow back although I’m trying to reassure her. Her bloods have come back fine so from reading about the causes, I think it’s Telegon Effluvium which is caused by illness, stress or shock to the body and happens 3 months after the event. She was very ill before and over Xmas and lost a lot of weight suddenly so I’m fairly certain this was the trigger.

She’s very reluctant to attend counselling so I’m just not sure what would help her come to terms with what’s happening. She knows that stress is a potential trigger but she is so distraught, it’s just not possible at the moment. We’re getting a wig sorted but she understandably just wants her own hair back (which was beautiful btw, really long and shiny and a gorgeous mid golden brown, people always remarked on her hair).

[Seaoftroubles]

Do be mindful that trichotillomania ( hair pulling) is a mental health disorder just in case this is self inflicted. It could also be tefflum effluvium which is sudden hair loss through shedding, but it does grow back after a few months. So sorry you are going through this OP, is your daughter receiving any counselling support at all, if not could you look at getting her some counselling from someone experienced in that field?

[Seaoftroubles]

So sorry OP, l posted just as you were updating. Hoping it is tefflum effluvium as that means if will regrow.

[Seaoftroubles]

If you can afford it and you are really desperate, l've read that there is a lady called Lucinda Ellery who provides the most amazing hair replacement system. It's just like your own hair. Have a google and read up on it.

[Gymmum82]

I’m no help with your daughter but a friend has just lost her hair through cancer treatment.
I really wouldn’t go for the NHS wigs. They are awful. She ended up spending a lot on a real hair wig which is beautiful but like I said a lot. I think around £2000.
However while waiting for this she bought a couple of wigs off shein which were synthetic but actually pretty nice for the money and she’s worn them a fair amount. So might be worth looking there

[WitchesAndBitches]

I don't wish to give you another worry OP as what you're all going through sounds so unfair.

However, you say she's lost weight. She's not making herself sick is she as Bulimia can cause hair loss?

[Boomer55]

I would get her a wig. I lost my hair (early adulthood, nothing to do with chemo, just meds I had to take after a serious illness). It grew back.

Half my hair fell out last year (after being widowed). Luckily, it didn’t notice much as my hair is thick, but if it had started to notice, I would have got another wig.

Anxiety about how you look makes it worse.