Feeling glum in my marriage, 2 years in. Is this feeling common?

[Rhubardy]

I feel glum in my marriage. We've been married for a couple of years, and this has been an almost constant feeling.

I do often enjoy things in the moment though. So I enjoy, for example, eating nice food or visiting a new place, including when my husband is with me. I enjoy seeing my friends and family.

But I have this feeling of glumness in the background, which resurfaces when I'm not distracted by something else, and if in start thinking about the future. If I think about making our garden nice, which is a project I'd normally enjoy, i think 'What's the point, because I'd mainly sit in it with my husband', and the thought of this fills me with a kind of heaviness.

Is this just part of life, and is it a common feeling? Now that I'm married, other possible lives have been cut off, so I'm having to face the reality that 'this is it'.

I sometimes don't know if it's a problem with the marriage, or a problem with me.

[Loubelou14]

I don't think that sounds normal. I'd expect you to be excited about sitting together in your garden, planned things. Do you enjoy spending time with your husband? What is causing the glumness?

[Venu]

Was there a time you were really happy with your husband and why was that? All relationships go through dips. Do you think he is happy?

[LunaNorth]

Post-wedding anti-climax?

[Venu]

Is there such a thing as post wedding blues? Maybe there is after all the excitement of getting married. I went to a very stressful wedding recently where one of the bridesmaids got up to speak about how she was sick of being single and why couldn’t she meet someone like thevgroom. I think the bride was relieved when it was over as so many other things didn’t go to plan either!

[determinedtomakethiswork]

What's it like if you spend time with your husband on your own? Do you have conversations? Do you laugh? Does he want to spend time with you?

[Rhubardy]

Thanks for the answers.

The first 6 months after we started going out were amazing. I loved chatting to him and always wanted to know what he thought about things. It was good still up till when we married.

But soon after we married, I realised he's not who I thought he was. He has at times been unkind towards others, and to me, and he's done a few things which have shocked me, to the extent that I really don't understand his reasoning and motivations at all.

Of course, he's not like this all the time. There are many moments when he's loving and fun, and we just chat away together (and in the moment, i enjoy it). But memories of the bad things seem to have taken over, and I often think that I don't actually like or respect him anymore (but he has no idea I feel like this).

It feels awful to think like this, and I look at other couples and think it must be amazing to look at your partner and feel loads of respect for them.

[Venu]

I definitely have experienced some of these things. I’ve been with my partner for 12 years or so and over time he has also shown behaviour traits that are unkind towards me and others. Like you, there are great times but it’s hard to not keep the unkind comments in your memory bank. I try and think of the positive traits, which are many. Easier said than done sometimes!

[Venu]

Oh I have addressed how I felt when I have got the point of potentially leaving and this has helped. Could you do this? He often doesn’t realise at times he’s upset me due to a lack of emotional intelligence.

[Dery]

It isn’t normal. It sounds like you married quite quickly and perhaps didn’t know each other terribly well. Whether or not that’s the case, the fact that you don’t like the idea of spending time with him is a bad sign. DH and I piss each other off sometimes but we’ve been together 25 years and still enjoy spending time together. I know a few people who have ended marriages after a short time because they have realised it’s a mistake. That might be the right thing to do here.

[Puffalicious]

Sorry you're feeling this way OP.

I recognise it. I married after 18 months & regretted it almost immediately. I broke it off 4 months after the wedding, but I went back (societal pressure I suppose). We had 2 children, but I eventually pulled the plug after 6 years.

He was & is a great father & a decent person, but we're v different people &, like you, after the initial year of whirlwind, I started to not really enjoy his company at times, and that just grew.

We have the most wonderful DC, and we've co-parented really well for 16 years. I respect him & care about him, but I now know I didn't really love him.

I've been with my DP almost 14 years, and I adore him: he's my favourite person to be around still, I fancy the pants off of him, & would kill to be in a lovely garden just the two of us (ASN child prevents that!).

Honestly, as hard as it'll be, just go. My best friend ignored the signs & was with a man who made her unhappy for 20 years- don't be her.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

No, not normal. Sounds awful OP. That heavy disappointed feeling is a clear sign that you do not want to be in this marriage at all. Please free yourself and be happy.

[LunaNorth]

Okay, I was you.

Sinking feeling on the wedding day. Then something happened on the wedding night which killed it all stone dead, but I buried it and moved on.

Had a baby within a year, then another in less than two years. Moved house roughly every two years, and no matter how lovely the house or where it was, couldn’t settle. Started accumulating animals. Then went into therapy.

Admitted the problem ten years in. Took another five to get him to let me go. Still dealing with the repercussions of it all, despite being remarried to a lovely man whom I adore.

Don’t be me and waste your youth. I’ll never get that 20 years back, and all my best memories are tainted with unhappiness.

Release yourself.

[Rhubardy]

@LunaNorth I'm so sorry you went through all that. I am glad you are with a lovely man now, who you can have a much happier future with.

I know what you mean about memories being tainted with unhappiness.

[Seaoftroubles]

Rhubardy, if the unkind things he did to you and others go against your core values then this will be difficult to overcome.
Have you raised it with him and told him how you feel?

[FrenchandSaunders]

What sort of things has he done?

[Humanunkind]

I'm another one who was you @Rhubardy , everything was great until we were married (first date to wedding was nine months) then he started showing his true colours. In between all the true colours were times of fun and me thinking how great it was that it was over and we'd be fine now because he was back to normal ... until the next time. 30 years later he left me for his next victim, thank God. Not only were the good memories tainted with unhappiness I could now see they were one of the tools that kept me with him.

Please do not be me, you can see already that things aren't right. Please get some RL support in building your strength and keeping yourself safe. Women's Aid are a great support.

Please be careful about sharing how you feel with your husband because he may well use this against you in an emotionally abusive way. Or punish you. I don't know how bad things are yet but please be very careful

[PollySolo]

@Humanunkind

I'm another one who was you @Rhubardy , everything was great until we were married (first date to wedding was nine months) then he started showing his true colours. In between all the true colours were times of fun and me thinking how great it was that it was over and we'd be fine now because he was back to normal ... until the next time. 30 years later he left me for his next victim, thank God. Not only were the good memories tainted with unhappiness I could now see they were one of the tools that kept me with him.

Please do not be me, you can see already that things aren't right. Please get some RL support in building your strength and keeping yourself safe. Women's Aid are a great support.

Please be careful about sharing how you feel with your husband because he may well use this against you in an emotionally abusive way. Or punish you. I don't know how bad things are yet but please be very careful

Surely you can see that first date to wedding is waaay too fast, though? At nine months you’re still auditioning one another!

[Humanunkind]

@PollySolo

Surely you can see that first date to wedding is waaay too fast, though? At nine months you’re still auditioning one another!

Unfortunately I did not have any idea of what a healthy relationship looked like. My father was controlling and my mother was accepting. The pattern carried on with my marriage (although I did think I was standing up for myself but I can see how fucked up it all was so clearly now, with hindsight). There were what seemed at the time like valid reasons for marrying so quickly but I can see now that I was manipulated into it.

I can see it all now for what it was, which is why I'm doing my damndest to prevent anyone else going through what I, and so many others, have.

[Rhubardy]

@Seaoftroubles

Rhubardy, if the unkind things he did to you and others go against your core values then this will be difficult to overcome.
Have you raised it with him and told him how you feel?

Thanks @Seaoftroubles . Yes I have raised the unkind things, several times, but he just doesn't see why I'm bothered by them and says I'm overreacting and he gets annoyed.

[Humanunkind]

@Rhubardy

Thanks @Seaoftroubles . Yes I have raised the unkind things, several times, but he just doesn't see why I'm bothered by them and says I'm overreacting and he gets annoyed.

That's him grooming you to accept his behaviour.

[WallaceinAnderland]

'Marry in haste, repent at leisure'

There's a reason for that saying.

[whichwayisup]

Yes sounds familiar. I remember saying...I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Didn't do anything about it. Listened to people who said it was normal. No, it wasn't. It was because I shouldn't have married him. Don't regret my children obviously but regret giving him 20 odd years.