Would it be wrong to contact this man and ask for a date?

[WellThatEsculatedQuickly]

I'm mid 40s and have been single, and not looking, for around 15 years. I've been happy with my single status. The reason for this is that leading up to my early 30s I was involved in a long line of abusive and toxic relationships.

I have also been seriously sexually assaulted more than once. But I don't want to talk about that now.

My traumatic relationships are without a doubt due to my childhood..... I grew up seeing domestic violence from dad to mum, dad threatening me and my siblings with weapons, dad using weapons to beat my older brother, mum being completely emotionally unavailable, mum going out of her way to be cruel to me and destroy my self esteem, and also destroy any realistic chance of me making something of myself.

I developed quite severe mental health problems. I ended up in therapy and support from nhs secondary mental health. I hit rock bottom.

One day, a couple of years ago, while recovering and receiving support, I was shopping in a very well known home superstore. A male shop assistant asked if he could help me. He helped me find what I was looking for....which was a cycling accessory.

Me and him got talking about cycling and other hobbies....outdoors stuff, walking, hiking etc

Wrong according to what?

Did you press send too soon? As I'm not sure what would be wrong? A sales assistant helped you chose cycling accessories a couple of years ago and you'd like to ask them out now? Do you know anything more about this person? Have you kept in touch? Do you feel he was being anything more than professional?

You could always go back to the shop and ask his advice about something to do with cycling, and see if the conversation develops from there. But why not join a cycling club, if that’s your interest, and see if you can make friends there?

Wow. I only just noticed she met him a few years ago. This is kinda crazy?

What's crazy about ' Had a nice chat with a guy in a shop a while ago, might go back and ask him out' @Mawface ?

Two years ago?

Does he even still work there, she doesn't know the first thing about him other than he's into cycling.

It might be a good idea if she finds out a bit more about him.

I wouldn’t pin my hopes on this person as he may not be single/ was doing his job. I would see it that your ready to date. Maybe joining a club with people with similar interests is a good place to start.

@AgnesX

Perhaps you are envisaging op marching into the shop and saying 'Date me!'

I more had the image that she might go back to see if he's there, have a chat about bikes, ask him if he'd fancy meeting for coffee to chat more.

How long ago she spotted him first is a total irrelevance. People say 'Fancy meeting for coffee?' on the first meeting, and he has no idea when she first felt she fancied him.

😊 Nothing quite that brutal but given her track record so far, maybe take it a bit slower.

Yes it would be weird and asking someone out whilst they are working is inappropriate and it was 2 years ago!!

I think you need to put yourself out there a bit more if you are still dwelling on an nice interaction with a shop assistant a couple of years ago

What was 2 years ago? I know that's when OP first saw him, but what difference does it make to the interaction now, if it happens?

Being asked out whilst working is something that happens sometimes when you work in a public facing role. You might not like the idea, and you might find it inappropriate, but your word isn't agreed with by many many people. OP doesn't have to be professional with him; she's not working. She needs to stay within the law, which asking him out politely would be. If she's comfortable with it, then he will need to decide if he's comfortable with it, and those are the opinions that matter. Not yours, not mine.

given her track record so far, maybe take it a bit slower

Slower than waiting 2 years to ask him if he'd like to meet for coffee sometime? What do you suggest? 4 years? That might be too long, mightn't it?

If I were in your position and with your history, I wouldn't. Centering your hopes of a relationship (after 15 years and with a great deal of emotional scarring) on a man you've met briefly in his professional capacity, feels quite risky. You don't know if he's single, or interested, or even a nice person (he was doing his job remember) so it's not an easy path to a date to approach him. There's nothing wrong with it, but its going to need confidence, a thick skin and some resilience and bounce back if he says no. Personally, if you're set on trying, I'd go back to the shop a few more times and chat again and see if you're picking up any signs of interest, then maybe ask if he fancies a coffee.

I would maybe enter the shop again and if you see him give a polite smile/ hello and see if he responds.
Sadly I wouldn’t ask him out for a date just now as it sounds like it’s been a little while.

Do you have any hobbies ? Any chance you could join a hobby group and get to know people that way?

I think you'd be better off joining some groups for one/some of those hobbies.

oh come on, it absolutely does matter, this is not someone she met on the dating scene and saw him again so knows he is still single/ looking this is a random man she met in a shop didnt even meet just asked him a question from 2 years ago! Still thinking about that interaction 2 years later is odd.

I know I'd be most uncomfortable if someone I'd been pleasant and helpful to, as part of my job, came back 2 years later to ask for a date! Maybe it is different when roles are reversed, but not that different?

@CatCatCatCatCatCat

Still thinking about that interaction 2 years later is odd

According to what? How long is someone allowed to think about someone for? According to your authority?

The poster is literally asking for peoples opinions have you missed that? 🙄

No, she didn't. She asked if something was wrong. It's very different to say 'Yes, according to my esteemed opinion' than it is to say 'Yes, it is objectively/legally/morally wrong'.

You think OP should live by your opinion, that's fine. I think OP should live by the law, and her own set of morals.

I doubt that many people are living with regard to your personal moral code, but it doesn't really matter whether you've noticed that or not.

@WellThatEsculatedQuickly

Anybody who tells you that something is right or wrong isn't automatically an authority. I used to have trouble with this, when judged by others, and it led me into abusive relationships. It's useful to tag 'for me' or 'to me' onto the end of others' judgemental comments. So, for example,

'oh come on, it absolutely does matter', becomes 'oh come on, it absolutely does matter, to me'

or

'Yes it would be weird' becomes 'Yes it would be weird to me'

It often makes the person saying it look a bit silly, or at least, puts their opinion back in its place, and out of authority.

It works especially well with 'You are too...' comments, like 'You are too sensitive' or 'You are too dramatic'. Add 'for me' onto the end of those, and the fault becomes theirs, not yours.

It's a bit weird that you've remembered him 2 years on, and you've read a man just doing his job as an in to other possibilities. Have you been going into the shop since? How would you get his contact details without you scaring him for being stalkers?

Stalkerish

I can't tell from this if you've seen him since @WellThatEsculatedQuickly?

If she goes into the shop now, has a chat with him, they get on, and she asks him if he'd like to meet up when he's not working, why would anybody class that as stalking? It's just going back to someone you liked the look of a long time ago, and asking them out. Stalking is described as this:
Stalking is fixated, obsessive, unwanted and repeated behaviour that makes you feel pestered and harassed. It includes behaviour that happens two or more times, directed at or towards you by another person, which causes you to feel alarmed or distressed or to fear violence might be used against you

What OP is considering is nothing like this. He doesn't even know she's interested in him.

@WellThatEsculatedQuickly Are you ok? There's some batshit on this thread, I can't imagine it's very nice for you. All you're doing is considering asking someone out, who you met and liked, because you're starting to feel ready. Hardly weirdo of the century, as some loons here are making out!

Have you seen this guy more recently than the conversation you had 2 years ago when he was helping you find what you needed (doing his job)? If you see him regularly in store and still have chats and you think/know he’s single then I don’t see no harm in asking if he wants a coffee or date etc.
If you haven’t seen him in 2 years and go hunt him down that might be odd because you know nothing about him (which granted is what dating is for to get to know someone) but just because I find it odd that you’ve thought about him for 2 years after the interaction doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong, I just don’t understand how after 2 years he’s still in your mind.