How to resolve this? I feel like I can’t win

[GoolsFold]

DD17 has a BF who lives an hour away. DD13 is totally against him sleeping at our house. I find myself constantly in the middle of them arguing every time DD1 wants her BF over and being accused of favouring the other side. DD2 will sometimes stay at her grandparents so DD1’s BF can sleep over but sometimes she refuses.

Just to be clear, DD2 has never met the BF so it’s not anything about him. She is reluctant for anyone not from the immediate family being in our house including same sex friends. Things are difficult for her on a few levels atm so I’m sympathetic but I also think it’s fair enough for other household members to want people to come over, and even sleep over occasionally. I’m a lone parent, XH only tenuously on the scene so I don’t have anyone to share these dilemmas with.

Anyone have any ideas on how I resolve this please?

Your 13 year old shouldn't have that much power in the household. Does she have any 'valid' reasons for fearing people out of the family or is it related to anxiety? If the latter, indulging it doesn't help.

hmmm seems odd she doesn't even like friends (same sex) over. Is there a reason she has shared why or something that triggered this?

I think it is fair enough for a 13 year old girl to feel uncomfortable about a man she has never met staying overnight! Sounds like a good safety instinct tbh.

I think it's fair enough tbh. She's 13, hasn't shared her house with a male, has never met this guy.

I don't think it's reasonable for a 13 yo dictating who can stay in the family home that YOU pay for.

if you want people to take other things into consideration the. You're going to have to say what they are.

would a lock on her door stop the complaining??

why hasn't she met him?

Just to be clear, DD2 has never met the BF so it’s not anything about him.

Well, that could actually be the problem. She may feel very uneasy about a male she's never met sleeping in her home, and I can't say I blame her.

She doesn’t seem able to tell me why she doesn’t want him in our house while she’s there, her answer is she just doesn’t. Part of me understands but she regularly goes to her grandparents even when nobody is visiting or DD1 is visiting her BF so it’s not a punishment for her to go there. I’m also sensitive to DD1’s wishes as she doesn’t want to be the one always travelling and his house is overcrowded.

She refuses to meet him. She won’t be in the house when he’s here.

It does seem quite restrictive, does she have friends for sleepovers at all? Perhaps if the boyfriend came round for a movie night while you took the youngest out for some 1:1 time to get her out of the automatic "no" mindset she has.

do your daughters share a bedroom... if BF came over, where would he sleep. i used to date a guy who had 2 daughters, these 2 girls shared a bedroom, infact they shared a double bed (but thats whole other subject), anyhow, when ever the older daughters BF came to visit and stayed over, the younger daughter had to sleep on the couch.... and older daughter and BF got the bed... i understood completely why the younger girl didn't like the BF staying over.. she lost her bed for the night and she had to sleep in the same bed they had been sleeping in... yuk

I think I support your 13 year old. Why should she share her space with an unknown male. Can a rota maybe be agreed if she regularly stays with grandparents and that's when he can stay?

She's being unreasonable. Whilst I can understand being uncomfortable having a stranger of the opposite sex stay overnight in your house, she's making no effort to stop him being a stranger. How often does DD1 have her boyfriend over to stay? DD2 needs to out effort in instead of assuming the whole household will always do things her way.

Do these rules supply to her as well? Does she ever have friends to stay?

We live in a large house and they have their own bedrooms plus a chill out room plus a games room at opposite ends of the house so plenty of space to stay away from each other plus the BF never leaves DD1’s room as he’s very shy.

Usually I manage the situation but sometimes there’s no compromise. DD1 wants her BF to stay Easter Sunday because his team is playing in our town the next day and they will avoid packed public transport. DD2 wants to stay at home on Easter Sunday. DD1 has said they will come as late as possible but still DD2 says no unless I pay her £20 🙄

She has had sleepovers in the past but has since decided she doesn’t want her friends coming over either.

£20?? I think I can see what she's getting out of this. She's never even met him, refuses to and now demands money to go out? I think this young lady is being given far too much power.

DD1 usually goes to his one weekend then he comes to ours although in practice, she goes to his more often because he’s a massive football fan and his time seems fairly dictated by where his team are playing (they go to a lot of the matches).

She wants you to pay her £20? I was understanding until you said that, that's very manipulative of her. Let the boyfriend stay over.

This. I was quite sympathetic until I read about the £20.

She says she knows I won’t pay her £20 so it’s an effective ‘no’.

That's her problem, fine of she doesn't want her own friends round but she doesn't get to decide who other people spend time with.

Given your update re the housing situation, I don’t think it’s right that your DD2 gets to dictate this.

But this approach does give her some power and perhaps she is feeling very powerless overall.

Plus, at some level, she may find it really awkward to be confronted with her sister in the context of a romantic relationship. You may also have some feelings around that but 13 is particularly the kind of age where the thought of romantic intimacy could be rather scary and alarming but also fascinating, and so having her sister’s BF in the house could be raising some complicated feelings.

Indulging in the behaviour won't help.

It's not all about just the 13 year old.

This. It’s not all about her. She can’t dictate what everyone does. Part of living with other people is compromise and there are 2 other people living there (1 of whom actually owns the house of pays the rent on it!)

DD2 says no unless I pay her £20 🙄
haha that'd be a big no. you're allowing her to dictate that nobody is allowed visitors. Get on with life.