Thank you for your kind and sensitive replies. I am grateful for every one. And thanks to MN too for those links, they were helpful (especially Listen up, everybody).
I don’t know how to quote people in posts so forgive me for just referencing your usernames and comments…
WallaceinAnderland: Yes, 25 years is a lifetime of unhappiness. After reading everyone’s responses here and also that helpful post provided by MN, I AM now making plans to separate as I realise it's not too late to be happy x
SurlyValentine: I rang WA today and have an appointment with my local branch on Wednesday. The very idea of twenty more years being treated like this fills me with dread. I DO deserve so much better. Thank you x
Footyfandango: Thank you for your condolences. When I read ‘Your post just oozes with your sadness’ it actually made me cry. Ugly cry. But I needed it. The house is jointly owned and I will take advice from WA and wherever they point me to for legal advice x
HappyLittleTreeFriend: I so appreciate you recognising the sadness, fatigue and pain in what I shared. It was difficult writing that post and then actually submitting it. I think you hit the nail on the head when you say my H sounds completely contemptuous of you, with no love in his words or actions, because that’s exactly how I feel. And I know deep down that he has been and continues to deeply damage me. There is no point anymore being with him, interacting with him, allowing him to drain my life away. Mum’s death really has become the impetus I needed for a new beginning. Yes, I continued to work for the first few years of marriage but for various reasons including the loss of children and declining health, I haven’t worked for years. It feels strange to me, that people can recognise things like contempt etc just from reading my post. But I am grateful that you did x
Ohffsbarbara: ‘Gaslighter’ is another term unfamiliar to me and I had to look that up, but sounds very accurate to my situation. Haven’t seen the film you referenced but like the character, I’ve had to acknowledge and come to terms with the uncomfortable and sad fact that my H is a liar through and through. Yes, he did have the audacity (completely accurate description) to suggest the lighter was just a piece of plastic he picked up off the floor was shocking and telling of how easily he thought I would fall for the lies that drip off his tongue. I told him at the time that I am NOT stupid, that I really don’t care if he smokes. It’s the lying and deceit I can’t and won’t abide any longer. Privately, I do feel completely ground down, but I know I am worth fighting for. And I can feel myself shifting into fighting mode. Some time ago I became aware that I have changed a lot and didn’t like who I had become in this marriage because, although it may not sound like it in my post, I was a happy, friendly, naturally joyful person who didn’t suffer fools gladly. But somewhere along the way I lost myself. I think now it began with isolating me from family and friends, and making it difficult then impossible for me to even continue to pursue my hobbies and interests.
ViciousCurrentBun: Believe me, I am not looking for romance or for relationship with another man. I feel like that is the last thing I want. The reason I want to end this is because H has and is ‘stealing the very essence of me’. I agree that the fact that he had a change in personality revealed the truth about his personality and character and what a powerful statement you used – ‘the death of a thousand cuts’. That too made me ugly cry x
WallaceinAnderland: Thank you for sharing the 5 most common deathbed regrets.
Catoo: No, he won’t change, so I must. It’s never too late to be happy and, bless you, yes, my dear Mum would be cheering me on because she herself lived with an abusive H and didn’t leave because of her children – something I know she regretted every day x
Moidershewrote: I know H has and is contributing to my health issues. I was raised in an abusive home and always swore to myself I would never do so as an adult, so I am stunned and saddened and disappointed in myself to find that this is exactly what has happened. I feel like I have been sleepwalking these past years, not living but just existing, taking each day as it came and just grateful to have made it through. But you’re right, I am only just at retirement age and deserve to live out the rest of my life in peace and comfort. That’s all I want, really. I have no other family anymore. Isolation has meant I lost contact with the friends I did have and I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I had any form of social contact with anyone. That’s been one of the hardest things to bear as although I think at heart I am mostly introverted by nature, I have always enjoyed the company of others and shared humour and interests etc. It just all…disappeared…over time x
northernlight20: Indeed, life’s too short to live like this. I am working to change that now x
NotQuiteNorma: Your judgement stunned me. I made and took my vows seriously and its BECAUSE I did, including ‘for better or worse’ that I've remained. The point is, H’s behaviour has only grown worse and he has not been and is not interested or invested in the relationship at all. I’ve never believed that if you’re unhappy in your marriage you just walk away and have a 'party'. You do your utmost to address whatever issues are causing problems and you try to resolve them. If one party refuses to acknowledge their part, will not accept responsibility and isn’t interested in making things better, there is no marriage to save.
Fourfurrymonsters: Thank you so much for your simple but profoundly supportive response to NQN’s post x
Lovelyview: Thank you for your kind words of support. I have the appointment coming up this week with WA and will take it from there x
TarantinoIsAMisogynist: I really don’t have access to cash. I’ve told H many times that the marriage is over, that I don’t love him, that I want to leave. His response is to tell me that he doesn’t believe I really mean any of it. Living on my own in a smaller, more manageable property without H dragging me down is my dream x
Causewerethespecialtwo: I accept your massive hug and the gentle shake x I do not know how I’ve lived like this for so many years. Maybe because I grew to believe that it was the ‘norm’ since I’d grown up in such a similar atmosphere? My life as it became with this marriage is so far removed from what I imagined for myself as a child and I think some of the grief I feel is because I let her down. But you and so many others here are right in that it’s never too late to make big changes and change the course of a life. I am joint owner of the house, some savings are in my name – the accounts he had to open when his own reached their quota such as ISA’s etc. I will get only state pension and had already opened a personal bank account in preparation for my pension to go directly into that – wise Mum advised me to do so before she died. I have no intention of telling H anything relating to my plans and I know I don’t need to make any big decisions quickly as things really do need to be thought out, and I need to be ready mentally when the time comes, and honestly I’m just not there yet. But I will be. Knowledge IS power! WA will help me work out what I am entitled to when we split x
Altmember: I assure you that although my H may very well hate me, as he seems to, I do not hate him as that is not in my nature. Please don’t make such assumptions. I’m struggling with a very difficult situation, yes, but I am not filled with hate. And as for not noticing that he was smoking, again another assumption. I grew up in a home with heavy smokers so I do know what that smells like, and no, H did not reek of it. You’ve assumed and judged that he’s been smoking for years or even decades without me ‘noticing’. That’s untrue. On a couple of ocassions when he was returned from walking the dog I DID smell smoke but it was more the kind when people have been around a bonfire. Nevertheless I asked him if he had been smoking and he categorically denied it. I believe he had been smoking for just the couple of weeks as he said, precisely because there was no evidence to the contrary. There isn’t an issue with me if he vapes or not. The issue is the lying and deception in covering it up.
Savemydrink: Thank you for your condolences x No, they never owned any property. When Dad was still living they had a medium sized council house but after he died Mum was able to secure a small (council) bungalow so no, I haven’t inherited any property of finances from my parents. If the situation had been different I would have already moved out of here and into their property. I appreciate your encouragement to make this my year and not let H ruin any more of my life x
Cherrysoup: I’m taking steps to get out of this situation because no, I can’t carry on like this. It has been a dreadful life but I’m hopeful that will change soon. Thank you for your hugs x
Opentooffers: I would indeed much rather have my DM (not so much my abusive D), and she would much rather I was happy and be glad if she could help. Her ‘estate’ really didn’t amount to much as she had only D’s pension and her own state pension, both of which ended at point of death. What little funds were in her account have gone toward the cost of the funeral etc.
I will post on Wednesday if I can or as soon as I can afterward, to let you know how things went for me in the appointment. Thanks again to everyone who replied so kindly.