Feeling very on edge around H now...

[Yoyosa]

First time poster and not really sure why I'm posting, other than I have no one else to talk to about this. Before I share the reason for my post please note that I am genuinely on edge, have no idea how to handle the situation I find myself in, and have no intention of trying to defend myself for how I feel so please don't respond if all you're going to do is tell me I'm being unreasonable etc. I don't intend any disrespect to anyone but have seen too many threads where people pile on with unhelpful comments and I seriously can do without those.

So. Been married just over 25 years, not terribly happy for most of them because soon after the wedding it became apparent that H was very selfish. We did not live together before we married or perhaps I would have realised that sooner. But anyway, he has tended to put his own wants and needs before mine (generally ignoring them) and basically treating me like a housekeeper rather than a wife. He was not like this when we were 'courting'. The difference in how he was before we married to how he was following the wedding still shocks me and a close friend suggested that he might have Aspergers. I don't know and hadn't heard the term before so had to look it up, but I can see why she suggested it and acknowledge that it is a real possibility. I asked him once if he thought he might have the condition and he didn't deny but absolutely refused to even consider getting any kind of assessment done. I believe the purpose of such an assessment is to identify what level of help/support a person with Aspergers might need. Again, I don't know.

Whether he does have this Aspergers or not, our marriage deteriorated as the years passed and we have not shared a room now for many years - initially because he has 'night terrors' and wakes up yelling and thrashing about and woke me so abruptly that I would lie there for ages waiting for my heart rate to return to normal before I was able to relax enough to sleep, if at all. He would always just go right back to sleep as if nothing had happened. So eventually I moved into the spare room, and have remained there ever since as his behaviour has worsened over the years resulting in my losing any kind of romantic feelings for him. I've been honest about that but he's always refused to accept or believe it and the stress has been awful to live with and has made me ill and even question my sanity more than once because we would discuss something, make a decision, and then he wouldn't honour that decision and when challenged would deny ever even having the conversation.

I've coped somehow with all of this, unable to leave because I have no money of my own and was looking after unwell elderly parents - Dad died a few years ago, Mum more recently. I myself am now in mid 60's and feel like my life has just been one long struggle, and I am weary. I have very little energy.

But the point of my posting is that for the past couple of years I have caught H out in blatant lies, and he denies to my face that they are or that he has or is lying. And yet he is. Another episode occurred earlier this evening. The thing I cannot understand and have no explanation for is that the most recent involve stumbling upon him smoking which he has never done as long as I've known him. He couldn't deny that as I literally walked around the corner and he was right there smoking. He was waiting for me after an appointment but watching the front entrance to the building, whereas I had been directed to use a different exit so rounded the corner behind him. I don't know which of us was more shocked when I came up beside him - me from actually seeing him smoking or him from being 'caught out'. I asked how long he had been smoking and he said about a month, and I just asked him to please not smoke in the house. Back in the car I asked if there was a particular reason why he had started smoking and he said it was work-related stress so I said I was sad to think that he couldn't have told me and perhaps I might have been able to support him. Out of nowhere he blew up and said it was mostly because of how things were between us and that it was my fault he was stressed. I did stop him there and tell him I refused to be blamed for choices he made himself - that he's done this so many times over the years when he hasn't liked the outcome of something and I no longer allow him to blame me or participate in any discussion that allows for this because I will not enable him any longer. Anyway, he said he wouldn't smoke any more. But a few weeks ago I saw a lighter on the floor which had obviously fallen from his pocket as he had got up from the couch and I picked it up, put it on the arm of the couch and said simply, "I believe this is yours." He snatched it up and left the room without a word and when he returned he asked me what I 'thought' I'd seen. I told him I had seen a lighter and he brushed it aside and said it wasn't, that he didn't own one, and it was just a bit of plastic he had picked up whilst walking our dog and had forgotten to throw in the bin. I didn't argue the point, but I knew what I had seen and picked up. So earlier tonight he got up from lying on the floor playing with our dog to take her out to toilet as I returned to the living room from the kitchen, and my foot touched something on the floor right around where he had been lying. At first I thought it was a USB stick but when I bent down and picked it up, it was a Vape thing, quite full so recently bought I imagine. When he came back into the room I handed it to him asking how long he had been vaping. The look he gave me would have killed me where I stood, if such a thing were possible. It really shook me. For a moment I thought he was going to deny that it was a Vape but he didn't just said 'a couple of weeks' and then he went and threw it away.

My concern is the constant lies, and the deception, and I told him this. He didn't say much and shortly after took himself off to bed without further discussion.

That look he gave me was one of such venom and hatred. I honestly don't understand the point of lying over something so trivial, the deception of it. It leaves me feeling very unsettled and on edge around him because I just don't trust a word he says anymore, and it makes me wonder what else he might be lying about and covering up.

If i hadn't just lost my Mum and didn't have to go through all of her stuff, which I am doing at present as there's only me and its all taking such a toll, I would leave. Except I still have no money of my own and I just don't have the mental or emotional energy to deal with trying to start afresh at my age in poor health.

Thank you if you have managed to read all of this. I'm sorry its so long. Its the first time I've openly 'spoken' about any of this or, I suppose, acknowledged the extent of it to myself and it feels very overwhelming to me. If anyone else is in similar situation, may I ask how you cope day to day and what do you do to maintain your personal joy as I feel as if the life has been sucked out of me and I have nothing left.

[WallaceinAnderland]

25 years is a lifetime of unhappiness. Make plans to separate. It's not too late to be happy.

[SurlyValentine]

I am so sorry for the loss of your parents. I understand your reticence regarding "starting afresh" but your "D"H is emotionally abusing you. Please seek legal advice about separating from him, and contact Women's Aid. You could have upwards of twenty more years of being treated like this and you deserve so much better.

[Footyfandango]

Firstly sorry for your loss.
Your post just oozes with your sadness.
But you can and must dig deep and find your strength to leave. It's a cliché, but true that we only have one life. Yours does not need to be spent being so unhappy.
Get some guidance and advice to prepare for leaving. I think solicitors offer a free hour, make use of that.
Is your house rented or owned? If it is owned then you will be entitled to your share.
There is a lot of support out there, please use it to prepare for a new happier life

[HappyLittleTreeFriend]

Reading your post my heart goes out to you, as a PP said I can feel the sadness and your fatigue and the pain in what you have written. I feel almost staggered that you have remained in this relationship for 25 years. His attitude towards you, the way he speaks to you and the lies - which sounds like gaslighting, where he is making you doubt your own sanity - this man sounds above all completely contemptuous of you, and with no love in his words or actions. Practically, I understand that it must be incredibly hard to imagine leaving him after 25 years, and you are coping with grieving for your mother - sorry for your loss. But you must see that remaining with this man is deeply damaging you. What is the point of being with him, interacting with him, allowing him to drain your life away? Use the death of your mother as impetus for a new beginning. Get excited about leaving, make plans and leave. Take advice from people on here who have done just that and know what to do. Talk to Women’s Aid seems like a good starting point and also check out benefits you will be entitled to when you leave - you say you have no money but surely as you are married you would get money in a divorce settlement and would be entitled to benefits until that happens? Have you ever worked? You would be entitled to some of his pension I believe as well after being married for so long? Please make these steps and leave, and enjoy the rest of your life without this awful sounding man.

[Ohffsbarbara]

He’s a champion gaslighter isn’t he?

This reminds me of the film “he’s just not that into you” when Jennifer Connelly finally dumps her cheating husband after realising he really IS lying to her about smoking - but that the smoking is just the tip of the iceberg. He’s basically cheating and up to all sorts. She just has a moment of clarity realising he is a liar through and through.
The fact he actually had the audacity to suggest a lighter was just a piece of plastic he picked up off the floor is quite shocking and telling of how easily he thinks you will fall for the lies that drip off his tongue.

The smoking is a bit of a red herring really. Who cares if he smokes? Let him smoke himself to death!

Your marriage has much bigger problems. You sound completely ground down. He sounds horrible.

[ViciousCurrentBun]

I’m bored of people guessing that shit behaviour is aspergers. I had quite a few students with Asperger’s and whilst all different and these were all very clever kids that had made it to a leading University the one universal thing I found is they seemed to not lie.

As married then assts are split 50/50 including pension pots. Go and see a divorce solicitor, you can get 30 mins free advice from many. DO NOT TELL HIM you are doing this. Think about questions and take notes on the answers and then make sure the pad is not accessible to him at all.

You get one life that’s it and whilst romance is hard at any age the reason to end this isn’t because you may find some Romeo it’s because that man is stealing the very essence of you.

MIL convinced herself her ex my FIL had Asperger’s and he was exactly like your husband. The point is with Asperger’s is some behavioural traits are not a choice, this gives many people real anxiety. The fact that he had a change in personality gives away what he is a low level abuser but over time that is death of a thousand cuts. I have worked as a volunteer and met many women who have been abused. The poor ones who have been physically attacked can explain more easily what happened to them. They say he punched me in the face it’s easy to understand. The sort of miserable treatment you have had is harder to explain but you have done well. I suggest you contact women’s aid for support.

[ViciousCurrentBun]

By the way your friend saying maybe it’s Asperger’s is who I am irritated with not you, sorry I just want to make that clear and I can understand why you want to understand why.

[WallaceinAnderland]

You get one life OP

The 5 most common deathbed regrets

1. “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
   
   
2. “I wish I hadn't worked so hard.”
   
   
3. “I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.”
   
   
4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
   
   
5. “I wish I had let myself be happier”

[Catoo]

OP he sounds horrible. He won’t change.
It’s never too late to be happy.
Divorce and LTB.
Your mum would be cheering you on!
You should get 50/50 house savings pensions so you won’t be left with nothing.

See if you can make an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow for advice on how to do it.
💐💐

[Moidershewrote]

OP, you must try to leave him, he’s very likely to be contributing to your health issues. Maybe not directly but indirectly - living in such an abusive home will have made you susceptible to illness.

You are only just at retirement age and deserve to live out the rest of your life in peace and comfort.

What would your family want for you? Are there any adult children at all? Do you have any other family or friends?

[northernlight20]

i can feel the sadness from this post, life’s too short to live like this.

[NotQuiteNorma]

@WallaceinAnderland

25 years is a lifetime of unhappiness. Make plans to separate. It's not too late to be happy.

Yeah, who cares about for better or worse blahdy blah...and we wonder why so many people think marriage is just a dispensable excuse for a party..

[Fourfurrymonsters]

@NotQuiteNorma

Yeah, who cares about for better or worse blahdy blah...and we wonder why so many people think marriage is just a dispensable excuse for a party..

Have you actually read the OP’s post??

[Lovelyview]

I'm so sorry that your marriage has been so lacking in love and support op. I hope you can find the strength to leave him. Contact Women's Aid and a solicitor. If you are in your mid 60s you will have the state pension and a share of your joint assets to live on and may be entitled to other benefits. Life with your husband sounds unbearable. Please leave.

[TarantinoIsAMisogynist]

@WallaceinAnderland

25 years is a lifetime of unhappiness. Make plans to separate. It's not too late to be happy.

💯

Do you have access to any cash at all?

It's been a long marriage so the starting point is that you will be entitled to 50% of assets - house, pension, savings etc. See a divorce solicitor, and tell your DH the marriage is over. You really have nothing to lose here because the status quo is so bad.

You only have one life to live - salvage what you can while you still have healthy years ahead of you. Living in your own small flat without this man to drag you down would be so much better than what you are describing here.

[Causewerethespecialtwo]

Oh @Yoyosa I just want to give you a massive hug…….. and then a gentle shake to make you see sense! So much sadness in your post. How have you lived like this for so many years? It’s cliche but we do only live one life - is this what you imagined for yourself as a child? Is this the one life you want to live? It’s never too late to make big changes and change the course of your life.

You mention a few times that you have no money of your own, but you are married so 50% of everything is yours - do you have equity in a house, any savings, do either of you have pensions? Do you work?

Please go see a divorce lawyer, you don’t need to tell your husband and you don’t need to make any big decisions quickly. But knowledge is power. They will help you work out what you are entitled to should you split.

[altmember]

It doesn't sound like there is anything positive about your marriage at all, or has been for many years. Just seems like you both hate each other. Are there no marital assets to share out at all - house, pensions etc? Even with nothing, you'd still be better off away from this man, even if that means being in financial poverty.

Very surprised you've never noticed that he smokes, everyone I know who does absolutely reeks of it when you get anywhere near them - if not their breath, then still their clothes, hair, skin. So if you didn't notice over the last month, it's quite likely you didn't notice for years or even decades. Don't understand why there's an issue with him vaping though, whatever the health issues with that, it's far more tolerable than living with a smoker. But you still need to leave anyway, because he sounds absolutely awful all round.

[Savemydrink]

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

Secondly, I notice you said you were still sorting through your mothers things.
I am assuming your parents owned their own property, now I am hoping you are an only child and will inherit said property.

If this is the case, I would seriously think about moving into your mums house and getting away from your arse of a husband. If you have siblings you could consider buying them out with a divorce settlement.

Either way, you need to protect yourself from your abusive spouse.

Good luck OP, make this your year.

[Ofcourseshecan]

@Savemydrink

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

Secondly, I notice you said you were still sorting through your mothers things.
I am assuming your parents owned their own property, now I am hoping you are an only child and will inherit said property.

If this is the case, I would seriously think about moving into your mums house and getting away from your arse of a husband. If you have siblings you could consider buying them out with a divorce settlement.

Either way, you need to protect yourself from your abusive spouse.

Good luck OP, make this your year.

I agree. Please don’t let this horrible man ruin any more of your life.

[Cherrysoup]

Please get out of this situation. You can’t carry on like this, what a dreadful life. Hugs.

[Opentooffers]

Yes you do have money of your own, you have half of all savings and half the house equity roughly, and also, I would think some inheritance - sorry for your loss, of course you'd much rather have your DP's, but they would much rather you were happy I'm sure and be glad if they could help.

[Pinkbonbon]

You do have money. Divorce him. You'll get half, potentially more, of the home and savings.

He's an evil person. I know this because I know the look he gave you that you are talking about. And it comes only from a place of pure evil.
Normal people don't look at people that way, no matter how angry they are.

But narcissists (narcissistic personality disorder) and similar (sociopaths, psychopaths etc) ...it's their signature move. They're eyes almost seem to go black and you feel like someone's just thrown a bucket of ice over you. Your breath catches and your stomach fills with dread. You cannot recgonise the person in front of you as who you thought they were anymore. You feel as if your legs fhave turned to lead and a panic rises in you and a feeling that you are in immediate danger.

OK, I'm taking creative liberty a little there. But that's roughly the jist of things, yes?

You have life left to live. Don't lolive any more of it with...a villain.

There's a saying 'no one gets angrier than a narcissist confronted with something they definately did do'.

[Yoyosa]

Thank you for your kind and sensitive replies. I am grateful for every one. And thanks to MN too for those links, they were helpful (especially Listen up, everybody).
 
I don’t know how to quote people in posts so forgive me for just referencing your usernames and comments…
 
WallaceinAnderland: Yes, 25 years is a lifetime of unhappiness. After reading everyone’s responses here and also that helpful post provided by MN, I AM now making plans to separate as I realise it's not too late to be happy x
 
SurlyValentine: I rang WA today and have an appointment with my local branch on Wednesday. The very idea of twenty more years being treated like this fills me with dread. I DO deserve so much better. Thank you x
 
Footyfandango: Thank you for your condolences. When I read ‘Your post just oozes with your sadness’ it actually made me cry. Ugly cry. But I needed it. The house is jointly owned and I will take advice from WA and wherever they point me to for legal advice x
 
HappyLittleTreeFriend: I so appreciate you recognising the sadness, fatigue and pain in what I shared. It was difficult writing that post and then actually submitting it. I think you hit the nail on the head when you say my H sounds completely contemptuous of you, with no love in his words or actions, because that’s exactly how I feel. And I know deep down that he has been and continues to deeply damage me. There is no point anymore being with him, interacting with him, allowing him to drain my life away. Mum’s death really has become the impetus I needed for a new beginning. Yes, I continued to work for the first few years of marriage but for various reasons including the loss of children and declining health, I haven’t worked for years. It feels strange to me, that people can recognise things like contempt etc just from reading my post. But I am grateful that you did x
 
Ohffsbarbara: ‘Gaslighter’ is another term unfamiliar to me and I had to look that up, but sounds very accurate to my situation. Haven’t seen the film you referenced but like the character, I’ve had to acknowledge and come to terms with the uncomfortable and sad fact that my H is a liar through and through. Yes, he did have the audacity (completely accurate description) to suggest the lighter was just a piece of plastic he picked up off the floor was shocking and telling of how easily he thought I would fall for the lies that drip off his tongue. I told him at the time that I am NOT stupid, that I really don’t care if he smokes. It’s the lying and deceit I can’t and won’t abide any longer. Privately, I do feel completely ground down, but I know I am worth fighting for. And I can feel myself shifting into fighting mode. Some time ago I became aware that I have changed a lot and didn’t like who I had become in this marriage because, although it may not sound like it in my post, I was a happy, friendly, naturally joyful person who didn’t suffer fools gladly. But somewhere along the way I lost myself. I think now it began with isolating me from family and friends, and making it difficult then impossible for me to even continue to pursue my hobbies and interests.
 
ViciousCurrentBun: Believe me, I am not looking for romance or for relationship with another man. I feel like that is the last thing I want. The reason I want to end this is because H has and is ‘stealing the very essence of me’. I agree that the fact that he had a change in personality revealed the truth about his personality and character and what a powerful statement you used – ‘the death of a thousand cuts’. That too made me ugly cry x
 
WallaceinAnderland: Thank you for sharing the 5 most common deathbed regrets.
 
Catoo: No, he won’t change, so I must. It’s never too late to be happy and, bless you, yes, my dear Mum would be cheering me on because she herself lived with an abusive H and didn’t leave because of her children – something I know she regretted every day x
 
Moidershewrote: I know H has and is contributing to my health issues. I was raised in an abusive home and always swore to myself I would never do so as an adult, so I am stunned and saddened and disappointed in myself to find that this is exactly what has happened. I feel like I have been sleepwalking these past years, not living but just existing, taking each day as it came and just grateful to have made it through. But you’re right, I am only just at retirement age and deserve to live out the rest of my life in peace and comfort. That’s all I want, really. I have no other family anymore. Isolation has meant I lost contact with the friends I did have and I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I had any form of social contact with anyone. That’s been one of the hardest things to bear as although I think at heart I am mostly introverted by nature, I have always enjoyed the company of others and shared humour and interests etc. It just all…disappeared…over time x
 
northernlight20: Indeed, life’s too short to live like this. I am working to change that now x
 
NotQuiteNorma: Your judgement stunned me. I made and took my vows seriously and its BECAUSE I did, including ‘for better or worse’ that I've remained. The point is, H’s behaviour has only grown worse and he has not been and is not interested or invested in the relationship at all. I’ve never believed that if you’re unhappy in your marriage you just walk away and have a 'party'. You do your utmost to address whatever issues are causing problems and you try to resolve them. If one party refuses to acknowledge their part, will not accept responsibility and isn’t interested in making things better, there is no marriage to save.
 
Fourfurrymonsters: Thank you so much for your simple but profoundly supportive response to NQN’s post x
 
Lovelyview: Thank you for your kind words of support. I have the appointment coming up this week with WA and will take it from there x
 
TarantinoIsAMisogynist: I really don’t have access to cash. I’ve told H many times that the marriage is over, that I don’t love him, that I want to leave. His response is to tell me that he doesn’t believe I really mean any of it. Living on my own in a smaller, more manageable property without H dragging me down is my dream x
 
Causewerethespecialtwo: I accept your massive hug and the gentle shake x I do not know how I’ve lived like this for so many years. Maybe because I grew to believe that it was the ‘norm’ since I’d grown up in such a similar atmosphere? My life as it became with this marriage is so far removed from what I imagined for myself as a child and I  think some of the grief I feel is because I let her down. But you and so many others here are right in that it’s never too late to make big changes and change the course of a life. I am joint owner of the house, some savings are in my name – the accounts he had to open when his own reached their quota such as ISA’s etc. I will get only state pension and had already opened a personal bank account in preparation for my pension to go directly into that – wise Mum advised me to do so before she died. I have no intention of telling H anything relating to my plans and I know I don’t need to make any big decisions quickly as things really do need to be thought out, and I need to be ready mentally when the time comes, and honestly I’m just not there yet. But I will be. Knowledge IS power! WA will help me work out what I am entitled to when we split x
 
Altmember: I assure you that although my H may very well hate me, as he seems to, I do not hate him as that is not in my nature. Please don’t make such assumptions. I’m struggling with a very difficult situation, yes, but I am not filled with hate. And as for not noticing that he was smoking, again another assumption. I grew up in a home with heavy smokers so I do know what that smells like, and no, H did not reek of it. You’ve assumed and judged that he’s been smoking for years or even decades without me ‘noticing’. That’s untrue. On a couple of ocassions when he was returned from walking the dog I DID smell smoke but it was more the kind when people have been around a bonfire. Nevertheless I asked him if he had been smoking and he categorically denied it. I believe he had been smoking for just the couple of weeks as he said, precisely because there was no evidence to the contrary. There isn’t an issue with me if he vapes or not. The issue is the lying and deception in covering it up.
 
Savemydrink: Thank you for your condolences x No, they never owned any property. When Dad was still living they had a medium sized council house but after he died Mum was able to secure a small (council) bungalow so no, I haven’t inherited any property of finances from my parents. If the situation had been different I would have already moved out of here and into their property. I appreciate your encouragement to make this my year and not let H ruin any more of my life x
 
Cherrysoup: I’m taking steps to get out of this situation because no, I can’t carry on like this. It has been a dreadful life but I’m hopeful that will change soon. Thank you for your hugs x
 
Opentooffers: I would indeed much rather have my DM (not so much my abusive D), and she would much rather I was happy and be glad if she could help. Her ‘estate’ really didn’t amount to much as she had only D’s pension and her own state pension, both of which ended at point of death. What little funds were in her account have gone toward the cost of the funeral etc.

I will post on Wednesday if I can or as soon as I can afterward, to let you know how things went for me in the appointment. Thanks again to everyone who replied so kindly.

[Yoyosa]

Pinkbonbon: Only saw this after posting my reply above. The look H gave me did shock me, and also scared me a little if I'm honest...and that hasn't happened before. I've acknowledged that I don't know if he has Aspergers but in trying to learn about that I came across some articles about narcissists and personally felt that this more closely described H's behaviour but I'm not a counsellor or phsychiatrist or anything like that so don't feel qualified to use that term to describe him. But, my goodness, yes, the description you've made is so accurate to how I felt! That saying 'no one gets angrier than a narcissist confronted with something they definately did do' is also an accurate description of how he responded both when I 'caught' him smoking a few weeks ago, and then last night with the vape stick thing. He looked at me with such venom. Never seen that in him throughout all the years we have been married except on these two most recent occasions. And yes, I felt scared x

[PaminaMozart]

I echo PPs’ advice. You are entitled to 50% of all assets.

Take copies of ALL financial documents, including his P60s and pension statements, investments, savings etc - everything.

Educate yourself:
Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies or similar
Websites of family solicitors in your jurisdiction.

Then see an experienced family solicitor and go from there.