I don't love him anymore

[juustme46]

I don't know what to do! Ive been with my dh for many years, he's always been controlling and jealous and selfish but I loved him or so I thought. His behaviour has got worse over the last few years. He works completely from home since covid, he convinced me to give up my job about a year ago and that's when it really started to change! I have no friends not much family so its just us and our children. He basically treats me like a servant, like I do everything! I know he works so that's fair but he doesn't lift a finger! Sometimes he can be lovely but most of the time he's rude, he's overly critical, he says mean things to me in front of our children and when I try to tell him how it makes me feel he denies saying anything or says he was joking! I can't talk to him because he never takes accountability he just thinks I'm criticising. He has an anger problem so he just says I'm pushing his buttons and I should know not to do that!
Make me feel crazy! He's always telling the children that he is the breadwinner so we should all be grateful to him! Lately I've felt myself becoming very cold towards him, I think I want to leave but I am not strong enough! Last night we got into an argument and he went to bed. Then I hear this awful wailing noise. I rush upstairs to find him crying and wailing saying that he loves me so much and me and the kids are everything to him, there's no point in living if he doesn't have us and he's thought about ending his life a few times at the thought of life without me. He asked me if I loved him, I said yes because I felt so bad! I told him that if he has really had those thoughts he needs professional help because that's not healthy for either of us, he said he would. Then today he was absolutely fine, he got some time off work and texted all his colleagues to tell them he'd had a breakdown and phoned his parents and told them. He's got everyone feeling sorry for him but I can't help but think I've just fallen for the biggest manipulation trick you can pull?? Surely if you want to end your life one day are you really going to be fine the next day? If you were going to end your life would you tell people? I'm so confused. Does anyone have any experience of dh threatening to end their life if you leave?
I'm sorry for such a long post

I really hope someone replies! I could do with some advice 🥺I feel very alone but never alone if that makes sense!

OMG, run and don't look back! He sounds like a nightmare and he's already doing all the typical things, like the dramatic 'I can't live without you'. Your life will be so great once you've ripped off the band aid.

Get yourself and your children away from him. Fast.

Threatening suicide in the context he did is a common tactic of abusive partners. Yes, he's manipulating you.

Look up the Freedom Program and try to build support for yourself.

Consider couples counselling and get a job to gain independence. Stop doing everything for him.

If the situation doesn't change I suggest you ask him to leave.

Narcissistic red flags 🚩. Sadly he won’t stop as it’s a very toxic trait. Narcissists thrive and derive joy in being the main character. Do not fall for the gaslighting, YOU DESERVE BETTER. Seek help and leave for your sanity sake.

Couples counselling is absolutely not recommended where there is abuse like this. It can give the abuser more material to use against the abused. And would be entirely inappropriate.

You have to get out of this situation as it is toxic and abusive and following a well known progession of increasingly becoming worse. It is hard for you to see how bad it has become because he has followed a pattern of isolation, dependency and making you doubt everything and then threatening suicide if you leave. But you obviously are aware of how abusive this is or you wouldn't have posted. It's a well established pattern of abuse. Because it is well known there is good support out there for you from people who understand exactly the situation you are in. You need to get this support in real life ASAP.
Threatening suicide is a common thing to do by controlling and abusive partners when they feel they are loosing control. But:

They rarely follow through. Not completely unheared of, but very rare. It's more about the drama, as you are seeing with him telling everyone for sympathy,
It is not your responsibility. He has to get help for himself if it is a real issue.
If you are manipulated by this he will repeat and repeat.
Don't try and analysis on how you as a reasonable person would be acting. He is manipulative and abusive and none of us understand why people are like this unless we are one of them.
Don't look for reasons, faults or self incriminating. Just put your energy into leaving as quickly as you can.
Get all available help. Start with Women's Aid straight away.

And don't think you have failed in some way.
Literally thousands of people are manipulated and fall into abusive situations by partners, family members, work colleagues etc etc. It's them, not us, that are the problem.
Good luck

Just seconding this. Abusive partners just use the revealing of any vulnerabilities in the process as another way of manipulating their partner.

He’s emotionally abusing you. In a massive, severe way.

”I can't talk to him because he never takes accountability”

All you can do is leave him OP. You can’t reason with a narcissist or get them to see the error of their ways. You just cannot. As many articles on the subject will tell you, all you can do is remove yourself from their manipulative ways. It doesn’t matter what other people might think - you know the truth of how he treats you.

Every other abuser threatens suicide when you are leaving.

I think he's bastards all have one manual they share between them or something.

Fucking crocodile tear manipulative bullshit.

Ruuuun!

Op I read recently that when men threaten suicide when the partner wants to end the relationship, they are actually at a more heightened risk of committing violence or even murder against the partner. Something to think about. He is terribly manipulative and you deserve more.

He can feel you (rightfully so!) pulling away and the crying and ‘I love you’ is merely a ploy to keep you exactly where you are!

The way he’s been treating you, is emotionally abusive. Talking down and degrading you in front of your kids? And you should all be grateful? HE IS POERR TRIPPING!

Your post genuinely triggered me, I was in a stupidly similar situation just a few years ago.
This is all a tactic to make you feel insane.
The reaching out to others is because he knows you are done and he is going to attempt to make himself the victim here!

I could no longer live a life of being put down. I decided to leave in 2017 (this was the first time)… some time passes & me and the children begun to put our lives back together, without him... he makes a suicde attempt…and I went running to the hospital LIKE AN ABSOLUTE FOOL.
The reason for his suicde attempt? I’d made an online dating profile which he’d caught wind of.
Laying there, in the hospital bed feeling sorry for himself, the first words out of ex’s smirking mouth were… ‘you owe me a threesome now’ WHAT?!?!

I ran so far and so fast because with men such as these, they will go to ANY length to attempt to control you.

Time to make an escape plan - there’s still time for you to live another life. A life free of ridicule, emotional and psychological abuse.
Men like this are truly dangerous so do not tell him your plans. BUT YOU HAVE TO GO. It’s literally your life or his..

Call Women’s Aid in the morning. Go for a long walk, sit in the car, wherever and tell them. They will advise you this is abusive.

One step in front of the other and slowly…you will be free, walking to the beat of YOUR drum

I wish you all the best - you are Strong & Worthy. You’ve got this 💓🌷

Please please DO NOT TAKE THIS ADVICE. This man is not capable of change.

You cannot and should not go to couples counselling if the partner is a narcissist.

OP’s husband has all the traits of a narc. The only thing that’s safe is planning a get out strategy, quickly!

He is not of your concern and there is no marriage to save. Save yourself and your children!

🤍

Thank you to all of you for your advice and confirming my fear that he is abusive. Its so hard to accept. Part of me still feels I'm imagining it or over reacting! He's being so lovely at the moment too and I know deep down it's to reel me back in but then I think what if he has seen the error of his ways! But then why would he be so happy and lovely to me just 48 hours after saying he wanted to kill himself! I keep picturing him in a mess crying the other night, it breaks my heart that I made him cry like that! God this is such a head fuck!!!

But you didn't make him cry like that.

God this is such a head fuck!!!

It's meant to be. That keeps you second-guessing yourself and less likely to take action to get away from him.

HE. made himself cry like that. Not you. He doesn't give a shit about hurting your feelings does he? He insults you in front of your children. So not only is he abusing you, he's teaching them a very messed up version of what happens in relationships and what women are for.

Narcs can't stand the thought of being alone. That doesn't mean a woman should stay with an abusive, narcissistic man because "poor them". It just means the narc man will do anything to keep his narcisstic supply, and if that fails and you leave, that he'll quickly move to pick up the next unsuspecting victim as soon as possible to reinstate his supply.

I had an ex who used to use the ‘my life's not worth living without you, i would rather die’ blah blah. One day i had had enough of the head games, chucked my anxiety meds at him and told him to bash on and walked out. Went to collect a few thing i had left a few days later when he was at work and needless to say they were still in the box

There is a brilliant MN expression - don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

To start with, can you get another job? The salary will give you financial independence (probably why he persuaded you to give up your job).

It’s a good sign that you no longer love him. Love between adults should be conditional (unconditional love is for children). If someone mistreats you and abuses you, it is an emotionally healthy reaction to take your heart back from
that person. Be prepared for the fact that he will make it very hard for you to leave so - if that’s what you want to do - you will need to plan carefully but there are great resources out there, including Women’s Aid.

He’s abusive OP and he’s getting all his tools out of the box to manipulate you. abusive partners do not change and I know as was with one for a good 18 years of my life. And as a pp has said, they are not fit for couples counselling as we went however I ended but having seperate sessions and this is what counsellor told me. Go for yourself though, they will help build you up! Your message last night sounded so desperate for help! Let me know if you want to chat some more on my experience. I also have 2 children and am now in a healthy relationship. I never thought it was possible to change my life as I felt so weak. It’s only when I met my dp when seperated then I thought fuck this shit! I don’t want to do this anymore!

Thank you everyone you've really helped open my eyes! He is being really nice at the moment and seems like he genuinely wants to change, its really confusing me. I'm telling him that I still love him at the moment because it's what he wants to hear and because I'm scared of his reaction! I'm scared he will be angry. But If he does genuinely love me then I will be breaking his heart!

I'd make a plan. Get a job, decide how you and DC can live practically without him. Sort your finances etc etc. Do not discuss this with DH. In the short term let him be nice, let him rant and rave and try to let his manipulative moves wash over you. His moods understandably have a massive impact on you, but practice disregarding them. You are pouring in to a bottomless well - it will never be filled and you are wasting your energy on him when you should be using it for yourself.

Oh and get some support.. women's aid, gp. If you have family and friends tell them.

I was in an abusive relationship with someone who told me regularly how much he loved me. I would say I did too because I didn’t want to cross him.

Even while divorcing, he would write to me incredibly toxic stuff and still tell me he loves me. I just stopped believing anything he says.

If his words don’t match his actions, then it’s only himself he loves.

If you are telling him you love him when you don’t, then it’s quite likely he’s doing the same.

You both have your own reasons for doing this. You are trying to save yourself from his temper/outbursts. He is trying to control you.

CBT tells you to look for the proof. Where’s the proof that he loves you. What is he actually doing to show you that your happiness is important to him?