To leave or not after husband’s emotional affair

[musicmummytobe]

Hello, I'm posting on here for advice as I'm feeling incredibly lost and hurt after I found messages on my husband's phone after he crashed out after a drunken night out with his phone on his lap. The messages were along the lines of 'I want to fall into your arms' and 'hardest night ever not being able to message you' It's three weeks since that night and I'm still so hurt and angry, I have no idea how to move on from this. The girl was his ex from when he was in his early 20s (we've been together for 16 years) and he said he was feeling nostalgic and she was telling him how she never got over him and he says he just got a bit keen on the attention and it felt exciting and an ego massage when life was a bit boring. But then I found out he had been planning to meet up with her for a walk and to catch up whilst I was at my parents the following week after I found the messages. He told me this as presumed I had seen it on his phone when I found the messages. He told me he would never have done anything and just wanted to catch up and the plans were made before the messages became less innocent. He hasn't seen her since before we met and never saw her during these messages conversations. He has a really good job and I work as a dinner lady so I can be there for our son and support him with the parenting and house etc as he has the ‘big job’. I feel completely alone and trapped as I can't get past this but I have nowhere to go and no money to do it with as I would be have nothing without him and life would have to change significantly for our child, both emotionally and financially. The other night I felt like I was making progress on feeling less hurt and then he told me more about this girl and that she was earning similar money to him and had done so well with her career considering she wasn't from a wealthy background (he and the girl are both from a working class area, I'm from a very middle class background) and then proceeded to say how I'd never really had a career as such and how I'd never earned much etc. I couldn't believe the insensitivity of this after what we were trying to overcome. It made me feel like I was unattractive to him on every level. I feel so alone and am having to struggle on to pretend to my son that all is fine which is exhausting and lonely. I’ve not told a soul as I would hate anything to somehow be overheard by our child. Any advice hugely appreciated x

[barbace]

First of all, I'm so sorry. How old is your child? Can you look into doing some courses etc to get yourself ahead so you aren't reliant upon your husband and can move to better paid roles?

[barbace]

Also, do you have friends you can speak to? Don't be alone in this. Sending love as I have previously been in this situation and am now remarried, I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Flyingfoxgirl]

I'm so sorry. Up until you mentioned the conversation the other night I was very much leaning towards "yes, you can get through this together". It honestly did sound like nostalgia and being flattered by the attention. An idiot obviously, but human and fallable and maybe a wake up call to work.on your marriage (on his part of course) However, the conversation where he talks more about her has put doubt in my mind about the truth of his feelings for her.
You don't have to make a decision straight away. Give yourself time to analyse what you really want and how you truely feel. Allowing yourself this time will take the pressure off you. You could maybe let him know that you are doing this, tell him you are not necessarily going to stay and that you may choose to leave in six months. It might be a wake up call to him.

[takemeawayagain]

That's so awful OP, he's being really nasty making comparisons and rubbing in that you 'only' work part time - he obviously doesn't appreciate all you do for his child as a SAHM. Is there anyone you could go and stay with for a while - your mum perhaps? It's a shitty situation when you build a life with someone and then they betray you like that. You need to concentrate on yourself and your child now and do what is best for you, be kind to yourself.

[Fother]

Why was he telling you more about this girl? He needs to keep his big gob shut! Were you talking about the situation?

[DistingusedSocialCommentator]

Leave the deceitful shit.
However, in a break up children lose out
Therefore, keep him if you wish and he
begs on his hands and knees and you believe him

Please DO NOT let him swear on his mother's life etc as cheats will swear on anyone life, trust me I've seen on of my family's OH's swear on their children's lives that they were not cheating but were.

A cheater IMO is a special kind of deceitful person that is a prized user and a born liar and good at it. So be careful and good luck for the best outcomes.

[Gcsunnyside23]

I was thinking it was maybe a nostalgic ego boost until he started making comparisons. That is not on and not ok. You need to have a real honest conversation with him and ask him what his intentions were with that conversation and is there more going on than he says. You need all the cards out on the table so you know how or if you can forgive

[ZebraD]

Wow…get yourself back to college and start your own career. It’s never too late. Ask him to give his up so that he can sort the childcare! Cheeky twat.

[Riverlee]

i’m sure I’m not the only one who’ve wondered what people from the past are up to nowadays. Social media has allowed people to look up blasts from the past.

However, the comments made and the secret meeting has taken this a step further.

Going forward, do you think you can trust him? If not, then sorry, that’s it. I think once the trust has gone, the relationship is over (sorry).

[RandomForest]

Ungrateful bastard.

Do nothing more for him, put yourself first and your child.

If you break up, no facilitating helping him look like a good father.

He's not, he was horrible to his wife and therefor horrible to his child, they run in tandem.

[Zanatdy]

How did the conversation kick off again when he started mentioning her job? I wouldn’t believe him that nothing would have happened, I mean they all say that, part of ‘the script’. I’d use this time like others have said to do some courses if your child is in school to improve your own job prospects as whether you want to stay and make a go of it or not, things could change anyway, from his side and you’re in a very difficult position with having such a low paying job. I’d personally want to get myself back in the worse place and use wrap around club so I wasn’t so vulnerable but I guess that’s for you to decide. Don’t just stay for the child as that’s never good for the child (wasn’t for me anyway)

[BlueSkyBlueLife]

I get what you are saying about the comparaison. In some ways, it’s worse than the rest really.

I know at you are working as a dinner lady. But what is your background, education wise?
Regardless of your choice, I’d tell him you want to go back to work full time. That you are expecting him to step up. He had an easy life on the back of you not having a career. Time to change that seeing he seems to so appreciative of women who have a career. so you are protected yourself and have some independence, regardless of the outcome.

If you are set on trying, couple counselling is a must. Which will include him grovelling about the way he acted, before and after been found out.
Go and see a solicitor, even if you dint want to get divorce. You need to know where you stand financially and re dc.

[EMUKE]

Men! Please do not let him gas light you by commenting on you and your career. Men are stupid and do stupid things I feel going forward you need to ask him out right does he want to stay and work on this relationship or call it a day. Simple as that. He has a fantasy about this past ex. It’s not reality. She has managed to excel in her career so I’m assuming she doesn’t have children? If she did she’s understand a partner with a family is a no go! I do wonder what he has said to her however she is just as bad so I’m assuming she needs a little attention too. Unfortunately men get lost in a fantasy and then soon hit the ground a few months after. Does he think she would want to parent his child? Do all the cooking or cleaning? No no no! He has had an ego boast and thinks the grass is greener. It’s not! Please do not feel shame on your side. Please sit down and discuss this going forward you need to communicate what’s happens and going to happen. Plan a way out, I completely understand housing and finances but help is out there. Contact council and get on the housing list. Don’t even tell him but just for you and DC get all the info they need and so you can get registered with them (takes a while I’ve heard) then maybe contact job center and ask about benefits and private renting housing benefit ect. Go to estate agents and ask what’s in the area that would suit you. Work out benefits, child maintence, housing benefit, just to see what your income would be. Put all your energy in you and DC. Don’t let on what your doing have the power in your hands! Good luck but IMO you will always question him going forward. If it wasn’t a ex girlfriend would it be a girl at work or someone on a night out? Don’t live like that. There’s light at the end of tunnel be selfish. He will regret everything once he hasn’t got you! I heard a saying that a man will leave his family for 1 person. A family that has been built on time and memories they will leave a partner and partners friends and family for 1 person. That 1 person will not keep up the fantasy for longer than 3 months. After that the partner realises that it wasn’t worth it. Tries to reconnect to some of the family friends or partner after 3 months everything has settled and their kit actually wanted back. They loose it all for 1 person. Always stuck with me! Sending love and remember who you are a great mum and absolute queen! Your partner should realise that every single day!

[Loubelou14]

I went through this and tried to get past it. I learned you never fully trust them again so eventually I ended my marriage. I know your situation is different so maybe start putting your ducks in a row. I think you'll always be looking over your shoulder.

[Wonderingforever]

It wouldn't be the emotional feel good kick he went after that would be the end for me.

It would the complete devaluation and dismissed contribution you have made to his ability to do his 'big' job being at home.

This situation is a big wake up call to your vulnerability in your relationship..

Stop focusing on him now. You need to do a whole life assessment on you. Your self esteem/hobbies/parenting split and finally your long term job potential.

How fucking dare, he the unappreciative shit. What he said was horrible.

I would be moving in my life as if my marriage was now entering the end. I would be up skilling/making sure I had access to childcare. Reviewing fiances/pension making sure there wasn't additional debt taken on. Getting as much information on benefits and I would be speaking to a solicitor to give me an indication of what a financial split would look like.

He would be at the bottom of my list. I would also get into therapy to have a safe place to work through at the challenges beginning to make changes will bring.

His ego needing a boast is not your fault and I wouldnt believe it wouldnt have become physical if you hadnt caught him.

Take back control piece by piece.

[musicmummytobe]

So grateful for all your advice, it's hugely appreciated xx

[Kbroughton]

So he is a knob. But also, how did the conversation come about? Were you asking for information and details and it came out that way? If you go down that road, everything he say will be very hurtful to you. However much you may want details, asking details will mean that you may get a truthful response. If you want to work at your marriage, not asking details is the best way. I have just put a message on another thread similar to what I am going to say here. His doing this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He will be, even subconsciously, trying to make this your fault by justifying to himself that you don't give him XYZ and therefore it's not his 'fault' that he is looking for it elsewhere. This is nonsense and he is just finding a way to justify something that deep down he knows is not justifiable. If it was real, and he was committed to you, then you would be addressing issues together. You need to ascertain whether you want to continue in your marriage. And then you need to ascertain if he does. One good way of doing that is being clear with your husband what it will take to regain your good graces. Something that women (including me for a very long time!) do is get dragged into the 'pick me' game. Where the wayward H manages to play two women off against each other while really both of them should be running for the hills. Its so easy to do, especially if your are fearful. If I were you I would be going to a solicitor and getting a free half hour in terms of what you can expect. Your are married so you will be entitled to quite a bit (gets more complicated if he is self employed so hope he isn't) and with benefits you may find you will be good. once you start doing this you may find the tables turn a bit and he starts to worry and may well come crawling back. You should think about whether you will accept that. Be brave. Know your worth. He may think the grass is greener, but he is contemplating a relationship with someone who is happy to cheat. That is never a good start. But I promise you that the grass is definitely greener for you to get rid of a person who is happy to hurt you in this wat,

[CrunchingNumbers]

Stupid stupid man. You deserve better - but only you will know whether you're willing to forgive this and move forward. I'm assuming it is all over and done with ...or is he still messaging her? If so, he's probably in too deep to resist meeting up with her. You need to commence The 180° and show him you're not a part-time push over. Good luck OP

[starshapedbiscuit]

I’d try to ignore him for a year while you leverage the family setup towards leaving. Use his income to do a course, get a nanny etc. Then just leave when you’ve set yourself up.