The depth of his infidelity is unravelling

[Indifferenttoyourpresence]

Just need a handhold…..the back story is that during lockdown I suspected STBXH was having an affair, his behaviour was awful, ignoring me for days on end, rude, emotionally abusive, distant, left me to do everything during lockdown including home-schooling and working FT. I could not find proof of an affair and gave him ultimatum to leave if he wanted - he said no there was no-one else and there was no problem. I just felt I had to keep trying for my DC until I had proof. In May I was able to discover that his work trips were not work trips and he was lying about where he had stayed the night - it was enough I needed and I ended the marriage and kicked him out. I didn’t need to know all the details as he will just lie and deny anything, the lying and deception was enough. The issue now is that as other people learn of our marriage ending, now they are choosing to start saying things about what he was getting up to during the marriage. It’s like the floodgates opening as only now they know it’s ended do they decide to start trying to tell me details of what other affairs he had. These are people who were mutual friends (so I do try and understand the dilemma for them) but also friends of mine who decided to keep it to themselves! If you couldn’t tell me at the time why bother now? It feels like taking a bullet every time I hear something new. Just as I want to move on I am confronted with yet more details of his infidelity which knock me off course whilst he seems untouchable and remains the “nice guy” everyone thinks he is! Just a general moan about how blooming unfair it all is….

[AquamarineGlass]

Yes. They're easing their own guilt now by unburdened themselves of secrets. They're also belatedly choosing you over your marriage (please don't think that by keeping his secrets they were ever choosing him. They just didn't want a wrecked marriage on their conscience).

Good people make bad choices and many lack courage and integrity. As you are learning.

Could you make it known you're not interested in discussing your ex at all, to at least stop further revelations?

[nameitagain]

Just as I want to move on I am confronted with yet more details of his infidelity which knock me off course whilst he seems untouchable and remains the “nice guy” everyone thinks he is!

Huh? People are literally telling you he's been a shit. What makes you think everyone thinks he's a nice guy?

[nameitagain]

Interesting how many people say people should not tell what they know and should keep their nose out of it yet when it happens to someone and they find out people knew, everyone is upset that nobody told them

[Indifferenttoyourpresence]

“Easing their own guilt now by unburdening themselves of secrets” - thank you - this is brilliantly expressed. It’s exactly that. And I do get that it places people in an impossible position to say anything at the time. I just feel that the tsunami of revelations is about to hit whether I want it or not - I think people are so desperate to unburden themselves now it is coming at me from all angles. The only positive I can take from it all is at least it’s further proof of what a liar he is. Thank you lovely x

[Fishpieandchips]

I currently have a dilemma about telling someone that their partner is always chasing women. I have evidence and seen it with my own eyes too.
Having seen your post it doesn't help me decide what to do.

I think at this point you need to decide whether knowing more details now is necessary or not. If not, tell anyone who mentions it, that it's in the past and change the subject.
You know he's a cheat and your gut told you too at the time.

[Indifferenttoyourpresence]

I think @AquamarineGlass summed it up perfectly about the dilemma of not wanting a wrecked marriage on your conscience if you say anything, or even worse the idea of your friend not believing it and ending your friendship if you say anything. It’s such a horrible dilemma and another crappy consequence of their actions that it places friends in such a horrible position. And yes, gut instinct is EVERYTHING, I knew even when I didn’t have any evidence that I knew if that makes sense !

[growgrowinggrown]

The thing is, would you have believed them and subsequently acted on it?

You've already said yourself you waited until you had enough solid evidence, so what would a friend saying something have done?

You'd have still stuck around waiting for the evidence or worse, dismissed it and cut the friend off.

I know I wouldn't forgive a friend for not telling me if they knew my partner was cheating, but all my friends know me well enough to know I would welcome that information.

[Coyoacan]

Interesting how many people say people should not tell what they know and should keep their nose out of it yet when it happens to someone and they find out people knew, everyone is upset that nobody told them

My dd had a friend who was engaged to a fella in another country. The two girls were visiting there and he came on to my dd so strongly that she felt that she was within an inch of being raped. When she told her friend what he had done, her friend broke off their friendship and went ahead and married him. They have never spoken since.

I myself had a friend tell me what he thought of my bf and I was quite annoyed. It was only a year later when I broke up with said bf and was going through the list of defects that I suddenly remembered that someone had recited those self-same defects to me a year before.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Fucking hell op

this is a death of a thousand cuts

i don’t know how you knock this on the head for once and for all , bit you need to

are there any more people you need to see who may say more ?

but you need to shut this down somehow
It’s very painful and people are being insensitive

I’m sorry , clearly you are very well rid

wishing you healing (once everyone shuts up ) xx

[Epidote]

He may be a nice guy. But he is not reliable isn't he? People didn't tell you before because it is very difficult to be involved in a other couple relationship and not being damaged even if you are just a courier. Cheaters lie and deform reality to deceived their couple. It is the first principle if gaslighting.

You are entitled to not know more if you want. It that is the case just day everyone that your decision is not going to change regardless of how many times he was unfaithful.

Those friends who are really friends and are around you because they can trust you among other qualities will stay with you.

You are not losing anything/ anyone here. You are just decluttering your agenda.

[TheAverageJoanne]

@growgrowinggrown

The thing is, would you have believed them and subsequently acted on it?

You've already said yourself you waited until you had enough solid evidence, so what would a friend saying something have done?

You'd have still stuck around waiting for the evidence or worse, dismissed it and cut the friend off.

I know I wouldn't forgive a friend for not telling me if they knew my partner was cheating, but all my friends know me well enough to know I would welcome that information.

A friend knew my ex was cheating as the ex contacted him and bragged he'd never had so much sex in his life. This was after I'd kicked him out because of lots of appalling behaviour. Cheating wasn't my reason as I didn't know he was doing it at the time but he moved in with the AP.

The friend told me after I'd found out that he knew and I asked why he didn't tell me - he said it wasn't his place.

Later on I found out the friend had been cheating on his pregnant wife (they also had a 2 year old at the time) for six months with the student babysitter. Telling me my ex had been cheating was out of his comfort zone because he'd be forced to face the fact he's a hypocrite.

[Hereforthechat79]

If they didn’t tell you when this was all going on it’s no benefit to you to hear about it now. It’s actually cruel of them and they need to grow a set of balls. I feel for you I really do xx

[Theredfoxfliesatmidnight]

Hmm. They probably think they're commiserating with you, whereas of course from your point of view they're just rubbing your face in it. Plus as you say, where was this unbridled indiscreet chattiness about your philandering husband when you actually needed it! Maybe you should point this out to them and tell them to shut up.