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Relationships

Friend who always wants things her own way

28 replies

citygirl1961 · 24/01/2023 23:10

This is a delicate subject as the friend I am talking about lost her husband in October. Even prior to him becoming ill she has always been awkward with making arrangements and wanting everything to work around her. She always wants me to go to her house or area which is at the other side of the city to where I live, yet she never seems to want to come to my end and when I suggest it she just doesn't answer me.

When her husband was ill, I didn't mind going to her end as I knew she needed to be on hand for him but now I think she should start meeting me half way. I wouldn't mind if she said she didn't feel confident going out of her area whilst she is in the grieving process but she does go out of her area to meet others.

An example is in December when we went out for a Christmas lunch with some other mutual friends. This was in another area of the city entirely. She and one of her other friends were complaining that the meal was too late - it was 2.30 pm and they grumbled that they got home late. My friend even told me that her other friend (who is nice and I get on with) commented to her that they are always having to work around everyone else which is not true. They don't work whereas me and another friend in the group work full time and can't get time off at the drop of a hat.

Anyway my friend went to a 60th party last week and didn't get home until 1.00 am. Admittedly she got a lift home but it was still late. Also her other friend gets home late at other times, it just seems to be when they are out with us they are putting a downer on it.

We are meeting up for another meal next and at first my friend said to me, via text, that this time it will have to be at 12.00 pm so I explained to her that the time has to suit everyone.

How do I approach this with her without sounding insensitive. I know she's going through it at the moment and I've been and am still am very understanding, but I don't want to have to be going up to her end all the time and her never even meeting me half way because she doesn't want to travel, when I have to travel the same distance going to see her while she sits at home.

Any advice would be welcome.

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Zanatdy · 25/01/2023 06:46

I have a friend like this and I stopped meeting up with her. She doesn’t have any kids or a full time job whereas I do, so I tired of her being so inflexible and I knew that she wouldn’t change

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MissMarplesbag · 25/01/2023 06:52

I'd text her and say a table is booked at x time at y venue, looking forward to seeing you but understand if you can't make it this time.

Then don't budge, she is expecting you to change to accommodate her and needs to see that life can go on without her presence.

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Heronswater · 25/01/2023 06:59

MissMarplesbag · 25/01/2023 06:52

I'd text her and say a table is booked at x time at y venue, looking forward to seeing you but understand if you can't make it this time.

Then don't budge, she is expecting you to change to accommodate her and needs to see that life can go on without her presence.

This. And I would stop stoking my own resentment by registering times she stays out late or travels for another social occasion.

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Aprilx · 25/01/2023 07:02

She went to a lunch at 2:30pm which was too late for her? So she doesn’t get it all her own way. I didn’t understand the issue about her staying out late either.

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Warspite · 25/01/2023 07:08

Quietly let the friendship fade.
She sounds a bit selfish and not really bothered or flexible.
Id find friends like that frustrating and would let them gently go. Life’s too short.

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TellMeWhere · 25/01/2023 07:14

I had a friend like this. I was always doing the running. When I finally stood firm on not going further than half way between the two of us, she pretended it was OK, then dropped out an hour before we were due to meet (unless of course I wanted to travel half an hour further to her). Told me all I needed to know. I don't think we met up again after that.

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Eastereggsboxedupready · 25/01/2023 07:15

She only gets her way because you let her. Send the invite. If she is a no show is that really a loss? Stay out late and post pics. Let her know there is life after 8pm!!

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rookiemere · 25/01/2023 07:23

Is it possible she's over sharing as she used to grumble to her DH about things?

For example I'd hate staying up until 1am, but I'd simply order my own taxi when I wanted to go and moan to DH a bit afterwards.

I'd continue to arrange things that work best for the group, but it is such a short time since her loss, I'd try not to get riled by the grumbles and cut her some slack for at least a few months more.

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Heavenisafigroll · 25/01/2023 07:25

She may still have some sort of anxiety issue even if she can get to other places, as her anxiety could be specific to one form of transport or one area where she used to go with her late husband.

If you value the friendship, why not just have a gentle word with her and be honest? It doesn't have to be an interrogation, just say that you would very much appreciate it if she was able to be a bit more flexible with timings and location as you are working and could you take it in turns? And then say, of course if there is any reason preventing her from doing that would she be willing to talk about it as you very much value her friendship? And take it from there.

As for all the pps willing to drop a friend or a relationship because they can't have an honest conversation; isn't it better to find out why the issue is happening in the first place?

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Sublimeursula · 25/01/2023 07:26

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Sublimeursula · 25/01/2023 07:27

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Slobbet · 25/01/2023 07:29

I would be honest and state that you need to meet half way and you’re struggling time wise to keep meeting her end. Find the perfect location half way and invite everyone.

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RoaRoaRasputin · 25/01/2023 07:33

London is large @Sublimeursula

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junebirthdaygirl · 25/01/2023 07:36

Often one of the hardest things people find after their spouse dies is going back into an empty house after being out. This is even more difficult if it's dark and late. I would cut her some slack until the Summer months when it might be easier for her to travel.
That said l have a friend that if l say we meet at A she will always say..l prefer B. She never goes with my suggestion. When we are in the restaurant and l say let's sit here she will always move to another table and say here is better. Every time!!! I just laugh to myself as l would hate to be as awkward as that and see it as a character flaw. It doesn't knock me in any way as it's her problem.

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Babytwodue · 25/01/2023 07:39

I also have a friend like this and it’s really annoying. I’ve started to fade the friendship out because I can’t be bothered anymore.
I would say if you plan to do that maybe not yet because of the grieving she is going through, cut her a bit of slack for a while longer.

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Remona · 25/01/2023 07:41

MissMarplesbag · 25/01/2023 06:52

I'd text her and say a table is booked at x time at y venue, looking forward to seeing you but understand if you can't make it this time.

Then don't budge, she is expecting you to change to accommodate her and needs to see that life can go on without her presence.

This.

Stop pandering to her. She whines and grumbles as she knows you’ll back down and she gets her own way. Be clear and if she doesn’t want to attend then that’s her loss.

I too had a friend who always expected me to go to her area (out in the sticks) for meals out so I understand how annoying it is.

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Sublimeursula · 25/01/2023 07:42

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TheWayTheLightFalls · 25/01/2023 07:43

Only you know whether or not this is actually linked to her loss, and therefore how to respond. But the fact she was like this before doesn’t sound great. I’d be minded to slowly shift the meet ups to a more convenient location / time.

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Sublimeursula · 25/01/2023 07:45

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SilverTotoro · 25/01/2023 14:14

Your friends’ loss is still very fresh. Even if she has always been a bit selfish in this respect I personally wouldn’t raise something so relatively small at a time when someone is likely to be feeling unhappy and extremely vulnerable. If she is having anxiety you could make the situation worse. It’s fine if you can’t make the time / place she wants to meet but to me raising this as an issue with her directly at the moment is unnecessary.

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Watchkeys · 25/01/2023 14:33

How do I approach this with her without sounding insensitive

Just tell her where you're going to be, and when, and that you hope to see her. It seems like you think that wanting things different from the way she wants things is somehow 'rude' of you.

Why? Why should her feelings take precedence?

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Mary46 · 25/01/2023 21:50

Hi op yes her grief not easy. I did let one friend fade always me driving over.. if kids small I say ok but just life easy for herself. Got tired it. Few texts a year now thats it.

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Deathbyfluffy · 25/01/2023 21:52

She sounds like a pain in the arse, another vote for letting the friendship fade here

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ethermint · 25/01/2023 21:59

I think I would personally break off this friendship somehow (fade is a good one) but if you're keen to do something just tell her that she sometimes has to compromise for others sake, and point out a few times that you've done what she wanted but that it has to be fair.

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citygirl1961 · 25/01/2023 22:32

Hi, thanks for all your replies. I've known this friend for a very long time and don't really want the friendship to end and I know she needs her friends more than ever now but at the same time I won't be taken for a fool. She does tend to back pedal when she can't get her own way though so I need to try that more often.

A friend of mine has been helping her to choose a new printer recently and he kindly offered to take her around PC World to advise her. She asked if he would drive over to her end to the store there and he lives further away from her than I do. He just said politely that he would meet her at the PC World half way and she agreed when she realised he wasn't going to give way to her.

I'm not resentful of what she does with others, like the friends she does stay out with, but I feel that if she can drop her restrictions for them then why can't she do so for me?

Two weeks ago she invited me to her house for a meal which was good of her but again I went over there. I have offered to return the favour and cook something for her at my flat, either that or treat her to lunch in the city centre but she's never got back to me about it. Again I feel its because she doesn't want to budge.

Her grumbling about the Xmas meal at 2.30, it was booked for that time because it was the only slot that my other friend who booked it could get. She was complaining more about the time it took her to get back home. We all had to get back home too. Its just that everything becomes a major issue.

Sorry for rambling on. I will try not to get irritated by it but just be polite but assertive and not give in.

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