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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dh texting someone at work. Do I say anything?

120 replies

Xstrong · 14/01/2023 08:05

Yes I looked at my dh phone. I was actually looking for something else and he's never been secretive with his phone.
There are not that many messages between them but there are kisses on both sides and hearts from her. What I did notice though was -
A few month's ago he was due to have an operation which was cancelled at the last minute. He text her before anyone else to let her know it had been cancelled.
Asking when they will be in work next.
Text her happy new year before anyone else.
When he finally had said operation a couple of weeks ago, there was a message from her saying 'you are in my thoughts xx' then he text her before me to say he was awake!
As I write it down I know it doesn't look good but I've never been in this situation before.
He worked alone self employed for most of our relationship so has only recently had 'work colleagues '.
I don't understand why he's even got her number!
I should also say that he is impotent due to heath and medication so I'm not worried about a sexual affair but this does make me feel a bit uneasy. Our marriage has been a bit rocky lately but we are working on it.
Do I confront him?
He gets quite defensive and will say she's just a friend but it feels like more than that to me.

OP posts:

Report

Xstrong · 15/01/2023 16:09

@SunshineAndFizz I've worked out that she text him whilst he would have been having the op so when he woke up that would be the first thing he saw on his phone. Maybe that's why he responded to her first. There was only a couple of minutes in it but even so.
I have checked his phone log, nothing there.

OP posts:

Xstrong · 15/01/2023 16:06

@Maryrose80 so sorry you're going through the same thing, it's horrible.
I have always trusted him 100%, we've been together a long time and there's never been any reason for me not to trust him, maybe that's why I'm finding it so hard.
I think I'm worried that I tell him how I feel about it and he just doesn't get it, says she's just a friend etc and that would make it worse.

OP posts:

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 15/01/2023 15:58

Only you can really say if it’s cheating OP.

For me it wouldn’t be an issue. People can have close friends of the opposite sex without it meaning anything else. It all depends on how you trust him which to be honest sounds like you don’t otherwise this wouldn’t be an issue.

SunshineAndFizz · 15/01/2023 15:51

"I've seen these messages and don't find them at all appropriate. Why are you messaging another woman at these key times in your life? Can you understand why this would be upsetting? How would you feel if it was the other way around? Why wasn't I the first person you messaged when you woke up?"

PS have you checked his phone log too?

Emmamoo89 · 15/01/2023 15:48

I would have to say something. I wouldn't be able to wait

SunshineAndFizz · 15/01/2023 15:47

I'd be going nuclear right now. Text her first when he woke from an operation?!!

I'd definitely be saying something and it wouldn't be all nicey 'I'm not accusing you', it would be outright accusing him of having a connection with this woman.

Maryrose80 · 15/01/2023 15:41

It's when you ask them to stop it, explain why you want them to and they don't, that's when it gets harder x

Maryrose80 · 15/01/2023 15:39

Sending hugs OP I'm going through something very similar myself and agree with the above replies. It's not easy. I hope things get better and can be worked out for you. It's not very nice and I do agree to monitor it (I've been doing same )

Xstrong · 15/01/2023 15:29

I want to confront him, I'm really close to it, just don't know how to approach it. Like I said I've not been in this position before.

I don't mind him having a female friend, he's a very friendly person, and I'm not accusing him of anything. I just want him to reign it in. Do I just say that and leave it at that?
I don't know if he will be annoyed that I looked at the messages.
I didn't go looking, I was doing something where an access code was being text to his phone. He handed it over without hesitation (always does) . That's when I noticed them.

OP posts:

80s · 15/01/2023 12:19

I'd watch and wait precisely because I didn't watch and wait when I saw my exh was messenging someone. I asked what was going on and tried to have an unjudgemental, honest discussion, and all it provoked was lies, defensive attacks on my character, cold, rude behaviour and greater secrecy. It made the time until he left much more unpleasant than it would have been.

BeautifulDragon · 15/01/2023 11:05

I would ask him straight out what was going on! All this 'watch and wait' stuff is such a bizarre way to conduct a relationship with your husband. Spying from a distance to try and work out what is going on.

Those messages are hurtful and disrespectful to your marriage, bloody tell him.

5128gap · 15/01/2023 09:04

Xstrong · 15/01/2023 08:16

Hi thanks for all your replies , it's been a bit of a mixed response!
I've taken screenshots but not said anything to him.
He's off this week so I'm going to see if there are any messages between them in that time.
The messages are literally just at the times around the operations, Christmas and New year, nothing in between and only around 18 messages in total over 6 weeks.
I suppose I think if it was an emotional affair there would be a lot more messaging between them. Maybe I'm being naive.

The pattern of messaging you've found is related to times when that's the only form of contact available. When one or both are with family, or he was in hospital. The gaps in messaging are likely to mean they were communicating in person or by calls/email in that time.
A friend of mine actually became suspicious when call records from his wife to her 'best friend' showed nothing while she was away on work trips.
Yup. There was no need, 'best friend' was with her.

Xstrong · 15/01/2023 09:04

@Coolheadedbird absolutely impotent. I've been to urology appointments with him.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2023 08:58

"I'm not happy about it and it crosses a line for me, but is it cheating?"

Yes, emotional affairs are a form of cheating. I daresay he would not be at all forgiving of you either if the shoe was on the other foot.

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:51

Yeah low libido here means they are getting it else where.

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 15/01/2023 08:45

His impotent with you so he says but that doesn't mean he is impotent with someone else !! If I came across texts with kisses and hearts it would be a massive betrayal for me. This is much more than a friendship

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 15/01/2023 08:32

Only you can decide what's acceptable to you in your marriage. For me, if DH put another woman before me it would be the end of the marriage

Xstrong · 15/01/2023 08:28

He's genuinely not good with technology, can't send an email. I have full access to his personal email, he has no work email, no second phone, no social media.
I'm not happy about it and it crosses a line for me, but is it cheating?

OP posts:

DuncanBiscuits · 15/01/2023 08:24

If he was my DH, he’d be needing another operation to remove his phone from up his arse.

Nip it in the bud, OP. He’s lost the run of himself.

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:19

Of course you are being naive. Mine only had 2 on the phone for NY but the work email told a different story. That’s where the shit exchanges are. See if you can gain access. Also they see each other all the time and might be trying to have no paper trail too.

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:17

It’s cheating but it does not have to be the end of your marriage. It just depends whether he wanted to pursue it further still or if he repents. In any case love and men are not ideal so you can leave him but the next thing you go to will be much of a muchness after 10 yrs. So you have to monitor and see if it repairable.

Xstrong · 15/01/2023 08:16

Hi thanks for all your replies , it's been a bit of a mixed response!
I've taken screenshots but not said anything to him.
He's off this week so I'm going to see if there are any messages between them in that time.
The messages are literally just at the times around the operations, Christmas and New year, nothing in between and only around 18 messages in total over 6 weeks.
I suppose I think if it was an emotional affair there would be a lot more messaging between them. Maybe I'm being naive.

OP posts:

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arcencielpoisson · 15/01/2023 00:18

This sounds remarkably like an emotional affair

ElonsMusky · 15/01/2023 00:17

Maybe there's something there maybe not. Seems flirty. I'd be mad....BUT you also broke faith by violating his privacy and snooping through his mobile. If you confront him, you have no right to get defensive when he gets mad at your snooping...but I'd say he sure does have some explaining to do.

MsDogLady · 15/01/2023 00:12

Our marriage has been a bit rocky lately but we are working on it.

You are working on your marriage, but H is merely paying lip-service while actually damaging it. He is not truly committed or reciprocating your efforts because he is investing in infidelity with OW.

No matter how “defensive” and manipulative (anger, blame shifting, name calling, etc.) he becomes to make you back off when you confront him, be confident and stand your ground that he has crossed your boundaries and abused your trust. He needs a consequence, so send him away while you consider your options.

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