Dh texting someone at work. Do I say anything?

[Xstrong]

Yes I looked at my dh phone. I was actually looking for something else and he's never been secretive with his phone.
There are not that many messages between them but there are kisses on both sides and hearts from her. What I did notice though was -
A few month's ago he was due to have an operation which was cancelled at the last minute. He text her before anyone else to let her know it had been cancelled.
Asking when they will be in work next.
Text her happy new year before anyone else.
When he finally had said operation a couple of weeks ago, there was a message from her saying 'you are in my thoughts xx' then he text her before me to say he was awake!
As I write it down I know it doesn't look good but I've never been in this situation before.
He worked alone self employed for most of our relationship so has only recently had 'work colleagues '.
I don't understand why he's even got her number!
I should also say that he is impotent due to heath and medication so I'm not worried about a sexual affair but this does make me feel a bit uneasy. Our marriage has been a bit rocky lately but we are working on it.
Do I confront him?
He gets quite defensive and will say she's just a friend but it feels like more than that to me.

[Greycloudlooming]

I’m sorry you’re going through this

[Ketchupandtartare]

There’s no fool like an old fool so fittingly applies to him. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

[80s]

She had been on end of life care for 2 years.
That sounds very distressing. My exh started his affair when his mother died; from what I can tell, that's fairly common. People confronted with mortality start asking themselves what their life means, and feeling as if they should do what they want more. And they seek distraction and comfort. And they might get uncharacteristically emotional with someone, e.g. at work, who comforts them, creating a powerful bond when they are vulnerable.
Your husband also contacted her at the time of his operation (again, the mortality aspect). My exh also spent a couple of days in hospital in the same time frame, and told his OW that it was a key moment for him sitting alone there feeling unsupported.

You presumably made the solicitor's appointment before his mum died, but make sure to keep quiet about it. Maybe he is fully committed to his affair, so that timing wouldn't make any difference to that, but if you do break up then you don't want to make things any more toxic. (I'm sure you're not cold-hearted enough to jump straight from funeral arrangements to conversation about divorce, but even him finding out that you coincidentally had an appointment days later could be used against you.)

[BatsHaveButtcheeks]

His mother isn't even in the ground yet. Do you think seeing a solicitor about what you could get from him, is best placed right now?

You've said it yourself, they are messages you'd send a good friend. Clearly you don't trust him, so you're best parting - but give him time to grieve.

[WonkyPicture]

He's having a full blown emotional affair, what you do with his information is up to you. My husband was doing the same, when I confronted him he said "there's something there and I like the see what happens", he didn't want to leave me so I made the decision for him. If I'd asked him to give her up, even if he did I'd have never trusted him again, there was unrequited sexual desire which would've been impossible to overcome. He has had ED for 3 years, which is psychological from appalling mental health. I think he thinks he can walk away from his problems but he doesn't realise it's actually him who is the problem, the ED will be back at some point. It's been the hardest 5 weeks of my life, I'm still glad we're not together anymore, his issues have always been a massive drain on me.

[GoodChat]

And apparently she's gay, did he not mention that before? No!!

Well she had a boyfriend the last time he lied about her!

[Xstrong]

Things died down for a while and we were getting on well. Still had a bit of mentionitis but nothing major going on.
Last month we had a massive argument - not over this but something very serious. I asked him to leave the house for the day, and presumed from our conversations afterwards that he had gone to his daughters. Turns out he went into work, where she just happened to be!
He told her everything - well his side of the story anyway!
I found lots of texts between them afterwards. Basically him telling her how terrible his life is. Not bad mouthing me but looking for sympathy.
He had deleted the messages but I found them in his recycle bin.
When I confronted him he denied it at first. I don't think he realised he had a recycle bin!
Anyway, I had the usual. She's just a friend, there's nothing going on blah blah. And apparently she's gay, did he not mention that before? No!!
Last week his mum died. It had been coming a long time, dementia. She had been on end of life care for 2 years.
Who did he text within half an hour of receiving the news? You've guessed it!!
It's not the fact that he told her, it's the timing of everything. He should have been telling family first.

At this point I know it's an emotional affair, nothing to suggest anything physical from his messages. They are just messages you would send a good friend. But I suppose my question I'd when does friend ship become an emotional affair?
I have an appointment with a solicitor booked for Monday to see what I would be entitled to. Its his house.
I'm just here now because I don't know what the hell to do.
Sorry its long 😔

[Fizzysnakes]

@perfectcolourfound

I'd be so hurt that he told her you weren't happy with the texts. He is so disloyal to you. That's up there with 'my mum won't let me play out'. It translates as HE wants to text her / keep up their relationship, but YOU won't let him.

He's making an effort (which he could have done before) because you caught him out and he wants to make sure he gets away with it. I couldn't look at him the same again.

This. He’s let her become his emotional puppet master. I’ve had men do the same. They are frightened of upsetting their boss (who isn’t you).

I do think that men can sometimes stumble into these situations and then not know how to get out. It is quite manipulative of her. She is predatory and in a way he is vulnerable.

I would reframe this if you need to make an ultimatum to him, to remove her of the power. I’d say you are embarrassed to be married to a 55 year old man who has let someone needy hijack his emotions, and let someone else walk into the intimate space of the marriage. An emotional intruder. I’d say that he is embarrassing himself and by extension you, and you’re not having it. Yes, that woman wants to stroll into his secrets and heart. Why we will never know. But it is his duty to kick her out. Otherwise you don’t want to live there any more.

[perfectcolourfound]

I'd be so hurt that he told her you weren't happy with the texts. He is so disloyal to you. That's up there with 'my mum won't let me play out'. It translates as HE wants to text her / keep up their relationship, but YOU won't let him.

He's making an effort (which he could have done before) because you caught him out and he wants to make sure he gets away with it. I couldn't look at him the same again.

[Needanewnamebeingwatched]

So they could have had sex then, because miraculously he can get it up, he just never told you he could.

Of course he is making an effort with you, you have confronted him, doesn't mean he isn't speaking to her as much as he was, he just isn't texting her.

[Xstrong]

Things have settled down but I'm still on my guard.
We've actually been getting on better than we have for a long time. He's making more effort with our relationship and even working on his impotence issues.
Viagra had stopped working so we hadn't tried for a couple of years. He decided he wanted to try it again and lo and behold it worked!
They still work together and text each other but not like before.
He said he spoke to her about me not being happy with the texting going on between them, and apparently she said she understood.
So that's where we are at the moment.

[Ofcourseshecan]

Xstrong, I hope things have settled down for you now, as you haven’t posted recently. But since this thread popped up on my screen -
bear in mind that a 26-year-old Ukrainian woman may well be in search of an English husband to get her the right to remain here. That seems more likely than a mad passion for a 55-year-old man. But it does give her a very strong motivation to persevere with him.

[SideshowAuntSallly]

@Muswellhiller

I’m sorry but there’s only the messages you’ve read. That might be the ones he’s forgotten to delete. Not the total number of messages.

I know what I’d do but I’m not recommending it!
I’ve done it twice before.
Id put myself into a position where I met her. Maybe by popping into work or inviting myself to a work do. Dropping something into him that he “ forgot”.
I would make sure I was introduced to her somehow.
Even if I turned up when he wasn’t there.
I would want to her to know me.

Then I would try and monitor the text traffic on that day. Screenshot it.

But in truth it never led to happiness.
so I’m not suggesting it.

Better advice is get your finances in order and paperwork should you need to split. See a solicitor about options regarding asking him to separate and leave.

And then I’d have a frank conversation with him about your marriage.
I would TRY not to mention her specifically.

but maybe say that you think he’s emotionally attached to someone else and it’s disrespectful and you won’t stand for it.

Be prepared to walk away if he admits it and doesn’t want the marriage.

Also think about what you want.
do you still love him.
are you happy?

you are worthy of a loyal husband!

You do know most offices now you have to swipe a card to get in? There is no way anyone could come into our office without getting past reception/security as you need a pass. They would then tell the person they have a visitor. As for inviting yourself to a work do, really??? As someone who organises work do's that would never happen.

[Muswellhiller]

I’m sorry but there’s only the messages you’ve read. That might be the ones he’s forgotten to delete. Not the total number of messages.

I know what I’d do but I’m not recommending it!
I’ve done it twice before.
Id put myself into a position where I met her. Maybe by popping into work or inviting myself to a work do. Dropping something into him that he “ forgot”.
I would make sure I was introduced to her somehow.
Even if I turned up when he wasn’t there.
I would want to her to know me.

Then I would try and monitor the text traffic on that day. Screenshot it.

But in truth it never led to happiness.
so I’m not suggesting it.

Better advice is get your finances in order and paperwork should you need to split. See a solicitor about options regarding asking him to separate and leave.

And then I’d have a frank conversation with him about your marriage.
I would TRY not to mention her specifically.

but maybe say that you think he’s emotionally attached to someone else and it’s disrespectful and you won’t stand for it.

Be prepared to walk away if he admits it and doesn’t want the marriage.

Also think about what you want.
do you still love him.
are you happy?

you are worthy of a loyal husband!

[Xstrong]

Thank you @KettrickenSmiled you are spot on!
On your last point he's actually pretty good, tells me he loves me every day, asks me about my day, caring, affectionate, pulls his weight at home. Physically it has been difficult but he tries.
But yeah, him having a 'special friendship' doesn't exactly make me feel special!

[KettrickenSmiled]

She's easy to talk to, they have similar interests, she understands him etc etc.
But then started saying he can't talk to me, he's lonely, I don't make him feel special. I had to walk away at that point.
Bastard.
Negging, self-justifying BASTARD.
To his wife who loyally stuck by her impotent husband.
Bastard.

You know he's trying to make you do the Pick-Me Dance, right?
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/
Have a browse through her archives - she;s a wonder of wisdom, solid advice, & snark, she;ll do you the power of good.

It's just the fact that there have been problems in our marriage which we have been working on. We were in counselling last summer. Now I find out that he's been discussing all of that with her.
😡
That's as big, if not a bigger, betrayal than if he'd shagged her.
I am SO sorry OP


The bigging her up then putting me down doesn't sit well either. I've been on mumsnet long enough to know 'the script' .
Good. Forewarned is forearmed.

What keeps going round in my head is that after telling me how young, caring, interesting etc she is he then went on to say he was bored and I didn't make him feel special
See Pick-Me Dance & Chump Lady.

How special has this twat made YOU feel lately?
Does he even bother with you physically, or are you expected to be a nun due to his impotence?
Does he ask you about your day, cheerfully do his half of the chores without instruction, bring you tea in bed, hug you?

[KettrickenSmiled]

Do I confront him?
You don't need to.
All you need so is decide how comfortable you are able to be withthis level of disrespect, & make your decision accordingly.

He gets quite defensive and will say she's just a friend but it feels like more than that to me.
Exactly.
Which is why confrontation is pointless.
It would be like asking a snake why it bit you, You'd get no truthful response, & you'd still have a snakebite to deal with ...

[Closetbeanmuncher]

it's more of a father/daughter thing

Uh-huh…funny how these things are never father/son though right??

He knows good and well it’s inappropriate but is attention whoring for an ego boost.

Piss poor form 👎

[sexbomb]

@Ghostbuster2639

Google John gottomans cheaters cascade.

Secrecy. Negative comparisons. Trash talking.

Sorry to say op id be very surprised if they’re not having an affair. As for father daughter shite, I suppose it makes a change to the usual sister shite.

Id kick him out.

This

[Ghostbuster2639]

Google John gottomans cheaters cascade.

Secrecy. Negative comparisons. Trash talking.

Sorry to say op id be very surprised if they’re not having an affair. As for father daughter shite, I suppose it makes a change to the usual sister shite.

Id kick him out.

[Coolheadedbird]

Yep he’s definitely doing something.

As I said before, it does not mean the end of your marriage but make sure you are not being played for a fool.

At best he’s curious but it’s progressed for sure.

[Iswinterhere]

Sorry OP, but it’s the very start of the script, even if it’s completely unconscious at this point.

[ItsaMetalBand]

I wouldn't be one bit happy about this - particularly the parts where he's telling her what you've spoken about in marriage counselling! That's... just no. That should be a safe space for you to discuss your feelings but now there's her spectre in the corner.

How are you fixed financially if he fucks off? I'd suggest that you do an assessment of what you have in terms of assets, pensions and all that, and get some legal advice. That way if the arse does fall out of your world down the line, you at least know where you stand.

[80s]

Sounds like you're doing a suitable amount of thinking to me.

[Xstrong]

Yes exactly. It's almost as if he's saying 'no I don't fancy her, but.....'

Maybe I'm just overthinking it