DD is being called a slag

[Merrifields]

DH and I hired our local village hall to give my eldest DD a 16th B’day party. She was allowed to invite 100 guests. Family weren’t included it was friends from school. We laid on music, food and non alcoholic punch. My younger daughter, 12 was at the party. She loves pop music and dancing. She was hanging around with a neighbours daughter and some older girls from school who are 14/15. DH and I were busy all evening supervising the food and drink. We found out to our horror through our eldest daughter on the Monday after school
that our youngest spent the evening dancing, kissing including french kissing and cuddling with a boy aged 15 (now 16) She definitely told him she was 12 but he thought she was joking and believed she was 14/15. He said see you at School on Monday. He said he really liked her. There was no alcohol involved. My younger daughter is tall and very pretty. She was wearing a mini skirt, fluffy jumper and flat shoes with NO make up. On the Sunday the boy discovered her true age. He has totally blanked my daughter. Pretty sure he is being called a pervert at school by his mates. My daughter is being called a slag by everyone- including my eldest DD who says her little sis ruined her party by acting like a prostitute. My younger daughter is distraught that this boy who kissed her and said he liked her is now completely ignoring her whilst his friends keep staring at her. My younger daughter has stopped working at school and has been chasing one of her friends brothers around the village- he is 14 (nearly 15) asking him to kiss her and be her bf. I have no idea what to do. I’m angry that this happened to my daughter she is 12 and a quarter. She had no interest in boys before this. I asked her what happened- she admitted the kissing and cuddling and said he smelt nice. I know it didn’t go further.

[Cocowatermelon]

Can you sit her down and explain why this has happened? So the boy obviously did like her but it’s a totally unacceptable age gap because of the age of consent. Explain why the age of consent exists. Remind her that 4 years is a big difference and that 4 years ago she was 8 and playing with bratz dolls/whatever the fad was! She may be tall and feel grown up but everyone gains a lot of life experience between 12 and 16! So after the party, when he realized she really was 12 he started to blank her. He’s trying to protect himself because 16 year olds can’t date 12year olds. It’s not morally or socially acceptable. He’s an ass for not believing her when she told him her age at the party. She needs to stick to boys from her own school year and clear expectations on acceptable behavior for young teenage (preteen) bfs/gfs - eg. need to come to dinner at your house so you can meet them, no shutting doors during visits or whatever. Tell her older sister that it’s completely unacceptable to call her sister a slag and compare her to a prostitute and that you won’t be tolerating it.
It’ll hopefully all get forgotten over the summer break.

[krustykittens]

Well, her sister can stop slut shaming her for a start! She didn't ruin anything, she kissed a lad in a public place and now he feels embarrassed so of course, she is a slut, rather than him being a dick head for not believing her when she told him her age. She is probably only chasing her friend's brother as she hopes that having a boyfriend will stop other kids calling her a slut. Poor thing. It's hard to know what to do, OP, but personally, I would tell her that relationships with a sexual context, even if you don't have sex, are complicated and her peers can be very immature and cruel. Build up her self confidence a bit and tell her to leave boys alone for a while until she is ready to navigate such relationships. And I would be FURIOUS with her sister, who really should have her back! She is a child!

[bigbird50]

Teach your eldest that she needs stop with the slut shaming . We females need to learn to support each other and stop supporting males who think it’s perfectly acceptable to exploit youngsters and then blame them for their choices. It’s disgusting that your eldest is behaving like this - she should be supporting her sister rather than worrying about her own reputation. You as a mother should be speaking to your 12 yr
old about consent, behaviours around boys and older boys too . My DD was 14 when she was being targeted by a group of older boys who though she and her friends were older and asking for nudes. These boys were 17 and one ended up being expelled from school( private school) This is unfortunately the reality we live in so talk to your girls.

[RichardOsmansXraySpecs]

Sorry, but I don’t think the 12 year old should’ve been at the party with that age group. I know you were there but you didn’t see her snogging this boy - It’s a good job she didn’t get in any deeper than that. But that’s irrelevant now.
I’d have a talk with her and it’ll hopefully soon blow over.

[LilyMumsnet]

Hi all

After looking behind the scenes, we're happy to reinstate this thread.

[Merrifields]

My younger daughter has changed overnight. She has turned into a stroppy teenager. I have explained the age of consent to her but she thinks her and this boy (the 16 year old) secretly loves her and that they are Romeo and Juliet. She thinks she is in love with him. She has become very emotional and is obsessed with him. My eldest daughter is jealous of her little sister and isn't talking to her. Pretty sure my 16 year old hasn't kissed a boy herself yet. My DH thinks it's nothing and is quite amused! My eldest daughter didn't want my younger daughter at her party. Oh how I wish I had left her with a relative that night. I feel like her innocence has been taken and of course it's my fault

[JustHarriet]

You're right, it is such a shame you didn't make different choices about this event but this is a great wake-up call that means you can take responsibility and possibly get an even better outcome for your girls - which is that they learn to think critically before buying into expectations that girls hook up with boys and act older than they are.

Media, social media, advertising, clothing and beauty industries teach girls that they are to be objectified and sexualised, and that they ought to act like mini-adults. Your youngest daughter has very astutely picked up on all of that and is successfully playing by the rules.

You can teach children critical thinking - that is, to look critically at the advertising and media and society around them, and decide if they want to buy into the messages being sold to them. This is totally doable. I'd start out by apologizing to my daughters that I put them both in this position and I'd explain that we are going to have a lot more conversations about how society encourages women to behave and how society judges women and girls. I'd also rethink how birthdays are celebrated.

[AngelfishDecay]

I think this is a useful life-lesson for your youngest daughter - people are judged on their actions and sometimes that judgement is uncomfortable. She need to exercise some self-restraint and think about her own dignity and self-worth.

[Mally100]

@AngelfishDecay

I think this is a useful life-lesson for your youngest daughter - people are judged on their actions and sometimes that judgement is uncomfortable. She need to exercise some self-restraint and think about her own dignity and self-worth.

I agree, she has already steered down a very quick path of giving herself a bad reputation. She is 12yo and what business did she have going around kissing boys at her sisters party. I don't blame your elder dd for being this upset at her. The fact is now she is chasing another boy- she is giving herself a bad name all on her own. You and dh need to be very, very Harsh and firm with her.

[MiniPiccolo]

@Merrifields

My younger daughter has changed overnight. She has turned into a stroppy teenager. I have explained the age of consent to her but she thinks her and this boy (the 16 year old) secretly loves her and that they are Romeo and Juliet. She thinks she is in love with him. She has become very emotional and is obsessed with him. My eldest daughter is jealous of her little sister and isn't talking to her. Pretty sure my 16 year old hasn't kissed a boy herself yet. My DH thinks it's nothing and is quite amused! My eldest daughter didn't want my younger daughter at her party. Oh how I wish I had left her with a relative that night. I feel like her innocence has been taken and of course it's my fault

Why the hell wasn't the party supervised by you, as adults! Jesus christ.

[AgentJohnson]

There are two things going on here, the name calling and the behaviour of your DD. If she’s running around throwing herself at random boys then she’s got off incredibly lightly, it could have been a lot worse.

I don’t know what is going on with your youngest but you need to take her risky behaviour very seriously. Predators have a very good knack for finding vulnerable teens, especially ones who act out sexually. Secure support for her and keep a very close eye on her (social media/ WhatsApp messages etc).

[Mally100]

Yes remove all social media from her for a bit.

[tomatopsste]

Total lack of adult supervision!

100 friends for a 16 year old? How could you manage that!

Parental fail!

[CalistoNoSolo]

I can totally understand why your older DD is massively pissed off at her sister. She must be absolutely mortified. You really dropped the ball here OP and I just don't believe your younger DD's behaviour has come out of nowhere, it doesn't ring true to me.

[Pinkbonbon]

You need to have a serious chat with your older daughter about why it is never OK to call other women slags. How do is a patriarchal word used to keep women down.

You also need to talk about your younger child about safety. About how young boys can be a risk to her and no matter how nice they might smell, its best to stay away from teenage boys.

Also...I ask just because it reminds me of my friends little sister growing up, she had autism. Is it possible that your youngest could? Not that a sudden obsession with boys is abnormal but just the way you describe her chasing him.

[Pinkbonbon]

Also, surprised about the amount of mysoginy on this thread. She kissed one boy. An older boy who should have known better as she had told him she was twelve too. And there's people here talking about how she is 'giving herself a bad name'. Umm no, she isn't, she is a child, ffs.
People might be giving her a bad name, but that's on them, not her.

[Braveasfook]

"You really dropped the ball here OP and I just don't believe your younger DD's behaviour has come out of nowhere, it doesn't ring true to me".

Me too!

[Braveasfook]

"Total lack of adult supervision!

100 friends for a 16 year old? How could you manage that!

Parental fail!".

And this.

[Mally100]

@Pinkbonbon

Also, surprised about the amount of mysoginy on this thread. She kissed one boy. An older boy who should have known better as she had told him she was twelve too. And there's people here talking about how she is 'giving herself a bad name'. Umm no, she isn't, she is a child, ffs.
People might be giving her a bad name, but that's on them, not her.

So you completely chose to ignore the part where she is running around chasing an older boy around town begging him to kiss her and be her bf? That's a behaviour of a child to you?

[Pinkbonbon]

Yes, it's the behaviour of a child - because she is a child.

Haven't you seen six year old at parties chasing boys exactly the same way? Would you say they were giving themselves a bad name?

[Merrifields]

Thank you all for your replies

My neighbours daughter and her 14/15 year old friends have independently confirmed that the boy pestered my 12 year old daughter into dancing with him. She clearly told him several times I'm only 12. She didn't throw herself at this boy at any time. She has never shown any interest in any boy before-ever.

Under English law a 12 year old is not considered capable of giving consent to sexual contact that includes kissing on the mouth. My DH and I haven't involved the police as it's unlikely a prosecution would result, but it would make it public and would hurt my daughter even more in the end.

My daughter has been chasing her friend's brother who is 14 nearly 15 as a very clear result of what happened to her with this other boy. She has told me she wants to kiss someone who will still want to know her the next day (not ignore her, like the first boy)
It is actually very sad. She is gutted at being ignored and rejected.


I haven't raised a nymphomaniac. She is hurting

[Merrifields]

Thank you Pinkbonbon for your support

[wellhelloitsme]

My DH thinks it's nothing and is quite amused!

He's amused that his younger daughter is being bullied and called names, including by his other daughter?

He sounds like a fucking arsehole to be honest OP. I would be furious with him.

[Pinkbonbon]

Tbf although he was in the wrong, i don't think they prosecute children for snogging other children op xD there's no law against that.

But yeah its just natural behaviour really isn't it, when someone rejects you you feel undesirable. And someone liking you again would probably make you feel desirable. So you get back out there. In whatever way you think you should.

But worth having a chat with her about how other people don't determine our worth. And how it's an unhealthy healthy cycle to get into to just chase someone else to try and make us feel better, because it probably won't. It's better to learn how to just sit with out feelings, be sad for a bit and then, when we feel better we can make healthy choices. Because when we are feeling upset and feeling desperate for things like attention or love...we tend to settle for less than we deserve. And that continues a cycle of sadness.