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Relationships

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Original poster

Did your DP change for the better with the baby?

36 replies

WhatTimeDan · 25/05/2022 15:05

Just that, really.

He’s great practically - cooks, cleans etc.

But he loves his job and organising a day out, especially daytime, or a holiday etc is very hard work. He isn’t bothered about time off, never really throws caution to the wind with a random mini break. I can’t seem to get him to relax that much…impromptu bbq would be a no, and so on. All this was fine when just us as I have lots of friends and I’m busy and me and DP get on very well. But I feel I will want us to focus more on quality time together now.

Ive been told confidently by others that men change with kids. I’m not so sure.

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 25/05/2022 15:08

Nope. Mine just carried on being self-centred and controlling.

Why would yours change with a baby, especially as you have specific personality traits you want him to change?

BreakinbadBreakineven · 25/05/2022 15:14

Having a child most certainly did not mean my exP wanted to spend more quality time with me, or as a family, we had so little free time that the time he did have he spent on his hobbies and then as DD got older he expanded this by basically bullying me into taking responsibility for DD.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2022 15:15

If your man is inherently selfish he is most unlikely to change or want to do so. What he does works for him and he will continue to do that. Changing even one aspect of your own self is hard enough; hoping and or expecting someone else to do that is an exercise in futility.

I would seriously consider giving your child your surname and not his going forward. As his unmarried partner you are very vulnerable here and he likely knows that too.

KirstenBlest · 25/05/2022 15:17

People telling you he'll change are just telling you what they think you want to hear

cheapskatemum · 25/05/2022 15:19

Er, no. Just that really: no.

He only changed for the better once they'd all left home

Giveitall · 25/05/2022 15:28

No they don’t necessarily change for the better.
So many women have one child, partner/husband doesn’t change but woman still goes on to have another baby thus digging an even deeper hole for herself. Why?
Man still goes out with mates, plays football on Saturdays, spends money they haven’t got and so on. Wife/partner stays home feeling upset bogged down with babies.
These are sweeping statements but life experience has been a wonderful teacher.

Begrateful · 25/05/2022 15:34

Agree with the previous posts!

SignOnTheWindow · 25/05/2022 15:40

Babies seem to have simply highlighted how idle most of the husbands in my friendship and acquaintance circles are when it comes to housework and family life.

SignOnTheWindow · 25/05/2022 15:41

Read 'The Mental Load' for an excellent illustrative guide to how this manifests.

Mylife2000 · 25/05/2022 15:42

God no, much worse! Unfortunately you never know what kind of dad they will be until the children arrive and then it's too late. My husband really wanted kids but never wanted to parent them when they arrived, he found it too much hard work. He never took them out anywhere! Now he has no option as they have lots of sport on all the time and inevitably in different locations so he has take one of them. He would much rather do fuck all though.

WallaceinAnderland · 25/05/2022 15:45

No, he was a responsible adult before we agreed to have a baby and continued to be one after baby was born.

Fairislefandango · 25/05/2022 15:49

Mine was great before and great after, so no he didn't change. I've been on MN a long time though, and the Relationships board is full of threads by women who 'thought he'd change', and then go on to have more children with him even though he didn't change (and maybe got worse).

worriedparent12 · 25/05/2022 15:50

Babies never make a relationship easier. They deepen the preexisting cracks in a relationship.

Mommabear20 · 25/05/2022 15:51

Nope, nope and nope!
He got briefly better while he was on paternity leave with our first, then fell back when he went back to work, and he's got worse since we had our second and is practically unbearable now we're unexpectedly expecting a 3rd.

mackthepony · 25/05/2022 15:53

He wasn't too bad at the nights, getting up etc
But with everything else he's just lazy.

When I met him he was doing loads of outdoor activities, now he just games and watches porn.

Bare minimum effort all the time.

PollyDarton1 · 25/05/2022 15:53

I thought my ex DP was a hands on father as he had an eldest from his prior relationship, but in retrospect I did most of the parenting for DSS and was taken for a right mug - this didn't really become apparent until I was holding a newborn and doing everything for DSS on top of that.

No, my ex DP did not change for the better. In fact, during my pregnancy was when his behaviour toward me got significantly worse and laid the foundations for future bad behaviour and disrespect/abuse. I knew he was a complex character but as this had never been directed specifically at me, I assumed I was immune from it as his partner - how wrong I was!

He was moderately hands on, but did not get involved in anything overnight despite DS being formula fed from 2 months old. I had MH problems linked to sleep deprivation and he still refused to help out. He likes to think he's been very present in DS's life and a better parent to DS than he was to DSS and I wouldn't disagree, but he's certainly not the parent I thought he was going to be and his attitude and behaviour toward DS (and DSS to a lesser extent) was one of the many reasons I left (abuse directed towards the children).

All the things he accused his ex of with his eldest became things he accused/accuses me of now, with no trace of irony. It seems he has a pervasive pattern of criticising and berating the mothers' of his children, and I should have seen that as a massive red flag when dating him. Fortunately, he isn't going to have anymore children (so he says) and he's now shacked up with someone after 3/4 months who has children, so he's effectively parenting her children rather than his own

Mumoblue · 25/05/2022 15:55

Mmm, normally when I hear about the arrival of a baby changing the way a man acts, it’s not saying that he got better, unfortunately.

Rinatinabina · 25/05/2022 15:56

WallaceinAnderland · 25/05/2022 15:45

No, he was a responsible adult before we agreed to have a baby and continued to be one after baby was born.

Same

Babdoc · 25/05/2022 15:58

Leopards don’t change their spots. Selfish immature feckless idiots don’t suddenly morph into effective, caring, organised dads! If you want a decent loving adult partner, the only way is to choose and marry one in the first place.
My own DH was an absolute darling - I had to beg to be allowed to change a nappy in order to practise, as he did them all for the first two weeks while he was home on leave. He was a brill cook, did a very fair share of all chores, and tackled the DC’s bathtime every night when he got in from work. Sadly he died before DD2’s first birthday, and I still miss him 30 years later.

Justleaveitblankthen · 25/05/2022 16:11

@Babdock Oh no, that took me by surprise and brought a real lump to my throat.
So very sorry for your loss

Justleaveitblankthen · 25/05/2022 16:12

@Babdoc

Babdoc · 25/05/2022 16:29

Thanks, Justleaveit. I was blessed to have 16 wonderful years with DH, and feel more sorry for the poor wives of abusive men, who have never known that love. And as a Christian, I trust that God will reunite us when my time here is done.

Theoscargoesto · 25/05/2022 17:41

What is that old wives saying about men marry women hoping they won’t change and women marry men hoping that they will….. old fashioned and sexist though it is, it seems to be the experience of posters on this thread (including me)

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/05/2022 17:48

He’s the same person he’s always been but when she was first born I was amazed at how much more supportive, capable, hardworking and loving he was than I could have imagined. I had a horrendous delivery and was in a bad state for a while and he did everything for both of us but feed her for the first couple of weeks, even though he got a horrible chest and ear infection. He was already a dad so I’d seen him in action for years but obviously didn’t know what life with a baby would be like.

minipie · 25/05/2022 17:57

No. DH is great in many ways but like yours has always been very career focused.

That didn’t change after we had DC. It was shit when DC were small, DH was always working, and my own career has suffered a lot as a result (not by choice but by default).

I still wouldn’t change who I married because he is fab in so many ways and his career has brought us many benefits longer term.

But I would advise you to have kids with him only if you are happy that his career will always come first.

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