This is my life in my 30s, it’s not normal is it?

[Tyiipp]

How do I change?

Wake up, login from bed after not sleeping most of the night/waking up regularly

Work from bed all day, try and eat healthily with some fruit and veg but skip breakfast.

Sometimes drive to the shop at lunch.

House is a mess as nobody sees it.

Weekend I go to meet friends if any are free. I’m often known to stay in bed all day if nobody is free.

Some nights I go to yoga.

I feel like I’m already dead. I hate my life. When in relationships I’m so much more engaged with life, house proud, energetic. I feel awful.

[Fullyhuman]

OP, are you up? Get up now if not, even if you’ve started work, quickly get up and have a v quick shower and put something else on.

[SamMil]

Definitely join some clubs or activities! It will get you out of the house when you're not working and also give you chances to socialise with people you wouldn't otherwise meet, as well as feeling like you are working towards achieving something. My main hobby is horse riding but I also do things like photography (and photography lessons), crafting workshops at a local haberdashery, wreath making workshop for Christmas etc. Running is a good one too - you can work up the distance over time, join a running club, sign up for events etc.

Other people's advice of changing one thing at a time is great too. And definitely set up a desk in a separate room if possible, to separate your relaxation and work spaces.

[Babyiskickingmyribs]

OP this definitely sounds like depression. Calling it laziness is not helpful, that just feeds the self loathing. Everyone is right about routine though. You need to add in some daily activities that help lift your mood but which require no mental effort because that’s just the normal routine. Is it affordable for you to go and get a take-away coffee every morning ? Preferably on foot or park your car a little distance away so that you get a little exercise. If you’re job allows it could you work from the café for the first couple of hours? The yoga is good. Keep doing that. Have you got any friends who would up for a regular activity ? Like a walk or swim together every Saturday morning/Thursday evening ? This would be especially great if you then add on time for a coffee and a natter afterwards - the real human interaction part. Invite friends over to your house once in a while to give you the motivation to clean!

[Musttryharder2021]

@43leftfeet

Is there a co-working space in your area?

Probably best not to start there till we're past this current covid wave, but you could find out what's available now.

We have a great co working space in my town. It makes such a difference to get up and go somewhere to work. It helps with leaving work, at work, too, and not having it spill out into the rest of my time.

The price will depend on how many days you go and the price of rent in your town, but the one in my town is surprisingly affordable, especially if you only go a couple of days a week, and even a couple of regular days makes a big difference in my opinion.

Do you find the same dense of fulfillment by being around your colleagues as you would if you had a partner/family/family not your own.

I still found the isolation crippling. After all it's just work and work colleagues, and nobody cared about how I was feeling... Why would they?

[43leftfeet]

Is there a co-working space in your area?

Probably best not to start there till we're past this current covid wave, but you could find out what's available now.

We have a great co working space in my town. It makes such a difference to get up and go somewhere to work. It helps with leaving work, at work, too, and not having it spill out into the rest of my time.

The price will depend on how many days you go and the price of rent in your town, but the one in my town is surprisingly affordable, especially if you only go a couple of days a week, and even a couple of regular days makes a big difference in my opinion.

[Thewookiemustgo]

Op I’m so sorry you feel like this and you are getting no pleasure from life. I honestly think you are depressed. Please make an appointment to tell a doctor exactly (no fancy version, the bald truth) what you have said here. Another poster upthread described the feelings of depression as a ‘dead woman walking’ and they are so accurate. Depression isn’t just sadness it’s a ‘flat lining’ awful feeling if no mojo or interest in anything and just getting out of bed feels like climbing Everest.
It’s great that you have faced it and seen that your life and feelings are not what they should be, this is the first step on the road to feeling better and getting the life you want. Honestly OP, being brave enough to speak out and get help will change your life. Tell people in real life how you feel, your workplace might have counsellors to help you. You’ve reached out here which is very brave indeed, but if the only thing you do for yourself today is call a doctor you have done yourself a massive favour. Hang in there and get help, things can and will change. Sending love X

[Musttryharder2021]

*more

[Musttryharder2021]

I was also depressed, alone and isolated when wfh. My biggest issues were severe lack of meaningful interactions. It had nothing to do with not having a routine : I was just so isolated, it was awful.

I now have a child (IVF with a sperm donor) as I realised that without a family - mine isn't nearby - life was just turning into a series of admin tasks/work. I didn't need more activities or routine, I needed han contact/touch/purpose outside the home routines.

[User12398712]

Why aren't you working? Is it a covid WFH thing? It may be worth asking if you can go back to the office, at least for a couple of days or so a week. Some places allow people to go into the office for "mental health" if they are home alone all day, might help inject some routine and give you a bit more human contact.

[Hummingbirdcake]

You need to stop working in bed. I’m not being judgmental as it’s a very easy pattern to get into, BUT: Get up and get dressed.
I had a period of illness some time ago and now hate being in bed or wearing pyjamas during the day it has a very strong negative psychological effect on me.
As other people have said up thread leave your bed for sleeping.

[Orchid876]

I agree that you do sound depressed, so seeing your doctor about that should be a first step. But, we do know that some lifestyle factors make depression more likely, and some things help, and what you have described of your life is definitely not going to help. Try and get out in some fresh air and greenery every day. Can you try and go for a walk at lunchtime, or before you login for work in the morning? Being around others and having a sense of purpose and being part of a community has been shown to be really beneficial too. You say you spend the day in bed if you're not seeing friends, so could you do something in your community instead? Something like volunteering might really really help I think, even if it's just an hour a week in a Foodbank or something like that, or even better helping clean up or litter pick in a local park, as that's outside in nature too so it's doubly good for you. Most parks have Friends groups where activities are organised. Just doing something worthwhile with other people in your community has been shown to be very beneficial for mental health. Maybe join a choir (even if you can't sing), or a dance class, as all those things are very uplifting. As much as I personally love Yoga, I don't think it's the best activity to help you feel better. Yes it's very good for stress and relaxation, but you don't sound stressed you sound depressed, so something more uplifting and active, involving more interaction with other people, is more likely to be helpful.

[MyOtherProfile]

@Tyiipp in excited for you. I can see how life has become a sludge but there are some great suggestions on here and with some not too difficult steps you can turn things around. I really hope you take courage from this and let us know how you get on.

[strawberrydonuts]

@Tyiipp

I don’t know how to get routine anymore. I feel like my life is lost *@Fidgety31* where do I start? I don’t have to go into work and I literally lie in my night clothes all day. Some days I have a quick rinse and don’t even wash as I don’t see anyone. I’m so miserable

Start by doing two things:

1) Wash. Just go and do it now before you read any more of this post.

Done? Great!

2) Even if it's only for an hour out of the day, try to get out of your bed. You can still spend 23 hours in bed. Just one hour to start with, don't be in bed for that hour. Work from a chair/ table/ whatever set up you have, for an hour. Then build from there.

This isn't about doing things because you have to or to look OK to other people, it's about looking after yourself, and being genuinely OK.

aWe don't only do self-care when other people can see us, we do it all the time, because otherwise we fall into depression spirals. Self care isn't just a front for other people - it's essential even if you are on your own.

Working from home does require self discipline and if you are really struggling, maybe you need a different job that requires you to go out of the house.

If you find you cannot do this, you need to see your GP about your mental health.

[iloveeverykindofcat]

If you work from home you really need to have different spaces for work and relaxation. Working in bed is really not conducive to either work or sleep.

Ok this is my personal reccomendation and may not apply to everyone but my absolute sanity saver whem I'm WFH is...lane swimming. First thing in the morning if possible. I'm lucky to have a pool nearby obviously. There's something about the combination of hard exercise, going from dry to wet and back again, and the temperature changes that is really really anti-depressive. There have even been studies suggesting that open water swimming is better than anti-depressants. (I do live by the beach but its too cold at this time of year plus whilst I'm a good swimmer, the tides are something else). Maybe it won't be swimming for you but I do recommend a hard exercise followed by a shower, seriously. Even if you think you're not an exercise person. I'm not. But this is the one thing that really works for me.

[strawberrydonuts]

You just need one piece of self discipline first thing and the rest will follow

I agree, I have struggled with depression too and this is good advice. If you can bring yourself to start the day off by doing just one positive thing for yourself, it tends to set you up for the day, even if it's something very small.

Just go for a short walk, or even have a shower and stretch a little if you don't want to go out, and you will feel you've done something good for yourself, it will put you in a better frame of mind.

If you can't do these small things then it is time to think about seeing the GP, because that is not a normal level of functioning and you may need some extra support.

[Callcat]

There's an app called 'fabulous'. It's not free but it's amazing. It's all about building tiny life improving habits, slowly and sustainably. It's seriously revolutionised my life. Have a look, I think there's a one or two week free trial.

[garlictwist]

I also work from home and don't see anyone for days. But I make myself get up and do some weights and stretching in the living room whatever else I do and that kick starts the day.

Then I usually fancy going for a jog before showering and working in the kitchen. And have a walk at lunch.

(I am crap at wearing nice clothes though, live in awful jogging bottoms and never do my hair or make up).

But without doing the morning weights which get me going I think I would also stay in bed. So you just need one piece of self discipline first thing and the rest will follow.

[madisonbridges]

@lunarlandscape
"Set aside a couple of hours each weekend and pick a small corner of the house and make it into an inviting space. Set a timer for five minutes to declutter it. Set another for five minutes to clean it - dust and hoover just that small corner. Bit by bit, wash loose covers, repaint scratched surfaces, add a lamp or candle and a plant or flowers. Pick corners that catch your eye so they lift your spirits and encourage you to tackle another small corner the next weekend."
.........
I love this idea. I've copied it into my planner and I'm going to try this. It sounds very motivating being able to see a transformation. Thank you.

[StarlightLady]

We are all different but this works for me when WFH.

• Alarm at 5:30, get up, check news weather overnight incoming personal and work emails. Make a brief plan of the day with a coffee.
  

• Shower, get dressed and makeup. The latter is important to me even if not going anywhere.
  

• Breakfast.
  

• While working move around every hour. I don’t need lots of work clutter so l move around and work from different spots in the home. Always sit or sometimes stand at a table though in an upright chair.
  

• Go for walk every lunchtime.
  

• Every Friday lunchtime, Posh Frock Walk! All dressed up and a walk to nowhere. But it enhances that “Friday feeling”.
  

• Don’t leave your knickers drying in the background on video meetings 😂.

[cookiemonster2468]

It sounds like depression OP. Have you spoken to a doctor about this? It sounds like you need some support.

[NataliaSerene]

I think you know what you need to be doing to be healthy. Kick your own arse one day at a time!

[EllieLucy]

@madisonbridges you're welcome

[madisonbridges]

@EllieLucy. Just read your response and it made me cry a little. I have similar problems to the op. I've suffered from depression in the past. For me pills were not the answer, but changing my habits and routines was. Over lockdown things slipped again because of problems in my extended family. Your practical detailed response is exactly what I needed to hear. It was so understanding of the problems people like me face that it really touched me. I'm going to start that regime myself.
Thank you. 🥰

[CiaoEB]

If it’s depression it sometimes feels a bit overwhelming trying to make big changes all at once. Do you feel up to seeing a GP? If you’re not ready yet an online support group can be a good source of help and non judgmental support. Tiny easy things that may make differences are as soon as you get up make your bed - don’t get back in. Have a shower then make a coffee and go outside (balcony is fine). Wear work clothes or at least clothes you can wear outside. Clean one room of the house so you have one clean space. Best of luck

[ZubinB]

Some great advice here. One thing I might add is to put some music/the radio on when you can. It's amazing how uplifting that can be sometimes. Little changes to lift you are what you need - then you'll be well away! X