I'm wondering just this. I'm nearly ready to leave after a long time - the kids are the best ages for it (compared to any older) 5 and 7.
He's been subtly but perniciously abusive for the whole time, and it has taken a long time to get my head around.
I've opened up to a few friends that I am having a very sad time and do not feel he has been nice to me. Obviously a lot of people we know are divorced for more normal reasons... I don't want to tell many people the whole story in case it will be bad for the kids in the long run, as he is perfectly functioning on the surface of things and I think they will be able to have a sort of relationship with him. But I also find it difficult with nice friends sitting there saying 'oh that's just what happened with us...' because it so isn't. I'm so damaged and hurt, but won't I be able to let anyone know how much? It'd be shocking for them to hear, really. But also I need some support.
If you did this, how much did you keep secret or tell?
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If you left an emotionally abusive marriage with kids how did you tell people?
yellowpigeons · 14/10/2021 21:12
I didn't tell anyone why, really. Apart from people who had seen the mask slip.
Most people, after the fact, told me that they could see quite clearly what sort of person he was.
I hope you're ok, you don't have to tell anyone anything except "it wasn't working". It's none of their business 
I definitely agree with not oversharing with people. I ended up having to deal with their upset and confusion about his behaviour as well, it was too much. If having to tell people something, I would usually say something like 'Turned out he was not a nice man at all' and left them to draw their own conclusions. Most just went 'ah...' in a knowing way so I guess they understood what I was saying.
Good luck, you can do this. 
@EmotionalSupportBear I did the same, never trashed him to the DC even though I was secretly a little scared at times, he seemed to love them and hate me and I wasn't certain that his love for them was stronger than his hatred of me.
Anyway, over the years until my dc1 was about 13 or 14, I tried to float the narrative that we were normal, that we'd grown apart (not that I'd escaped before I died of misery) and we were co-parenting, but he never took that narrative on board even though it would have benefited him too.
He is still pushing water up hill 14 years later with the narrative that HE was the victim of ME and he has stuck to that so rigidly. Years ago I was scared when he used to say ''the truth will come out''. Even though the truth was that I left because he was so controlling and emotionally, verbally and financially abusive to me. I was still scared though.
When my DD formed her own impressions of him and started cooling towards him, he went beserk blaming me with his 14 year old ''truths'' and DC thought .........whoah. They have not been back to his house since and they were cross with me for making them go. We've had to talk about that. I feel guilt about trying to pretend we were a normal couple who just split up.
He would not believe she had her own beef with him, in his head, her empty head had been taken over by me. He had literally incarcerated her in his house and refused to let her see her friend nearby and yet he blames me that she sees him through such a clear lens now.
So it'll always be your fault!!! They never have an epiphany. 
Even when decades pass and your job/house/life/happy DC doing well/good friendships clearly show that you're not the mentally unstable impetuous chaotic selfish loser they still desperately need to believe you are to have left them.
All I ever did to my x was put up with 7 years of abuse and yet he hates me more than any other person in the world. It's weird. But luckily I feel really detached from it now.
@Mymapuddlington
‘It just wasn’t working’
‘We weren’t happy’
‘He was an abusive dickcheese’
‘I don’t want to talk about it’
And then just ask to change the subject. Good luck
Love this
That's how I carried on when I fled my abuser with young kids
When the questions rolled in I just stared back or said GOSH THATS AN INTERESTING QUESTION
Lots of gossiping
Who cares
They need to get a life really
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